Gods And Gremlins

4. MISSION ACTIVITY.

" AND LO, TOWARDS THE EVENTIDE A TYPHOON SWEPT THE AIRFIELD THRICE AND THRICE AGAIN IN BATTLE WITH THE THUNDERBOLTS OF ZEUS. AND DID SO CHASTEN THEM THAT ALL THE PEOPLE COULD ONLY STARE AND WONDER: AND QUESTION OPENLY AMONG THEMSELVES THE TRUTH OF THIS MUCH VAUNTED WEAPON OF THE LEND-LEASE GOD.

( 4th April 1943.)

WILLIAM HICKEY

FILTHY WEEFOLK

MY blasphemous criticism of the gremlin cult produced some strong letters for and against.

H.G. McNeill, Chorley, Lancs : "...wars have been lost because of the credulity of superstitious though otherwise able soldiers...."

Mrs Hubert Broad, London, EC2 : "... Quite intelligent people like their pixies - such a pity there are only goblins in Fleet St ! "

F/O J---, Isle of Man : "...your article...singularly narrow - minded and rather 'wet'...a little mild foolery helps to offset the ugly side of this war...Anyway these Gremlin beasties are very real indeed, they chatter angrily at you from outside the Perspex...they drink up all the petrol when you leave the throttle too wide open...they even rub your name off the authorisation book...Oh yes, they exist alright..."

LA/C H ---, Oxon : "All this whimsy and ballyhooing makes me feel an awful fool when quite elderly and sane people discuss them with me...No airman believes in gremlins...[they] are only a bit of nonsense...A 'daily' today has given up about three columns of valuable space to gremlins. Not even the British gremlins but the American idea of them...It makes me furious to read such rubbish printed on the back of the Russian victories. Please use your influence to get these gremlins back in the RAF before we become the laughing-stock of the world. The mighty British nation discussing fairies in the middle of a life-&-death struggle...!"

THIS week the BBC Brains Trust is to discuss gremlinism.

I am shocked to hear that the BBC has been "flooded" with letters on the subject.

Let me repeat: I don't want to seem priggish, but this is the kind of escapist fantasy that could be dangerous (I don't say it is, yet), that can be used to distract attention from serious issues. Anyway, it is surely sickeningly Barriesquely infantile.

I hope the Brains Trusters tear them up.

Daily Express

Gremlin Command

January 7th, 1942.

Dear Mr. Hickey,

Your two hysterical articles referring to 'filthy wee folk' have now received the attention of the A.G.C., who has ordered me to write a few general words to disabuse the public concerning the part we gremlins are playing in the present struggle. Details are, of course, secret.

Gremlin Command was instituted as the Final Testing Department of the R.A.F. Our highly specialised personnel test every aircraft and machine during every moment of flight (and very often on the ground). Any pilot who relaxes, however briefly, receives a warning through the window. If he persists, he receives the Extinguished Flying Cross. Similarly any bolt that might otherwise be good for another 100 hours flight, shows its inherent weakness by coming undone at once. (We do not rub pilot's names from the authorisation book exdept in cases of extreme smugness.)

So far from being the 'laughing stock of the world' (as one of your correspondents suggests), it is obvious that in Gremlin Command Britain has something that the Axis cannot hope to emulate except through the loose and misguided talk that you yourself are encouraging. The Americans, with their usual business acumen, have already invited our representatives to their airfields.

Perhaps you will now appreciate that an organisation of our comprehensiveness can hardly be referred to as 'wee'. As for being 'filthy', do you, Mr. Hickey, always work in a top hat and spats? We do. And after the war we are remustering to newspaper offices. Then try not believing in us!

(Signed) A. Gremlin

Flight Lieutenant

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