.Jokes & Stories 03-11-02 revised
14/09/09, 12/08/09
West Indies 1978 - St. Marrten (salt making) - Once again taken with
Agfa Silette I and light tables. Film
processing had improved since 1971 but the pictures needed enhancing. I
actually got the film processed five years later.
Homeless Man Roy Jenkins (woy) once
said he would have no ranker in his party - but he did not actually say
that.
Something
to sing!! Science lesson:- Water passing through a
semipermable membrane (like
skin) to salty water, this is osmosis. Therefore I reckoned that it is
not the oil in the
chips that makes me fat, but the salt on the chips and then bathing to
often that makes me fat. I shall therefore be going on a bathing fast
to loose weight. Alternatively it has been pointed out that a Radox
(salts)
bath could make you come out like a prune.
Girls Night
Out When my sister was in her teens
dad found a baby squirl in the
garden. He said to Avril
hold out your hand for the squirl, but
Avril
being sceptical said
lets see what's in your hand.
Dad
said
I can't open my hand the baby squirl will get away, so
Avril put
her cupped hands out and received, the slimy frog from dad.
Can you pass this quiz??
Man & Woman Facts
I know I am in touch with my
feminine side as I like chocolate and ice cream. Dad would have said
that's not good for you, don't eat the chocolate ..... unless you want
to.
Meaning the chocolate is bad for me but he was not annoyed with me.
The
Excitement
German Calendar www.bibelkalender.de I
know women are superior to men, I found.this out when I was
five. In a sports day boys race we were all beaten by the three year
old girl who lived next door to me, and had joined in. Miss Day got a
lolly for that.
CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR
ADULTS
Congratulations…We survived!
You should listen to what your body tells you, BUT......... I'm told
off if they here my body
fart.
Newsflash!
Oh
No....
Dad advised me you can't keep
on enjoying yourself you should get married.
Security alert
http://www.themeatrix.com
I've been advised - In the event of feeling like doing something
IMMEDIATELY lie down and
wait for the feeling to pass.
Inner
Peace
Try This Tommy
Cooper goes shopping looking for camouflage trousers - he could not see
any anywhere.
Brain_Surgery
If your happy and you know it bomb Iraq
Dentist tells Tommy Cooper to say "Ahaaa", he says "why", Dentist "my
dog died".
Because
I'm a man............
Newcastle Windaz Too Thoosand
Seven dwarfs in the bath feeling happy. Happy got out and they felt
grumpy
Rules for Work
Home Truths - Double Glazing
Eric Morcombe picks up a ring phone and says "you got the wrong number
there is no phone here"
Excess_Gas
Excerpts from the Bain Review
Mary had a little lamb, It walked into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up
it's arse, And turned it's wool to nylon.
The Raisin
Wheel-Barrow
The trouble with a bicycle is that you can't open the window when you
are hot or have farted.
Memory loss in old age
Americans
Ron tells me the problem when men get old is they forget to zip up
after, but when they get older the problem
is forgetting to unzip first.
Beware.......Rude_Joke
45_Things_We_Have_Learnt_Off_Television
May West said It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.
Heres_what_Ive_discovered.
A_cautionary_tale_of_Local_Government
When May West was good she was very good, but when she was bad she was
better.
Womans
Logic
Bad
Day Sarah xxx says -
It's ok to
kiss a fool. It's ok to let a fool kiss you. But don't let a kiss fool
you.
Good_old_Tommy_Cooper_jokes
MEN
STRIKE BACK Q. What is the difference between a
constipated owl and a marksman who can't shoot.
So That Is The Difference
A. One shoots but can't hit the other hoot's but can't sh...t.
Return from the 1978 visit to the West Indies (Limbo dancing was one of
the most impressive shows I've ever seen) - Azores (blue and green
lakes).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
How_A_computer_works_as_explained:
Have you ever wondered just how your computer works? Well ... It's
finally
explained here in one, easy to understand, illustration:
Now you know!!
Now you can fix it!
History Lesson
Have a history teacher explain
this----- if they can?
Abraham Lincoln was elected to
Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to
Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President
in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President
in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with
civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while
living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
You ready? Here we go.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners
named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln,
was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy,
was
born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated
Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated
Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their
three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen
letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named
'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called '
Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his
assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a
warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated
before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was
in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn
Monroe.
Creepy huh? Send this to as many
people as you can, cause Hey, this is one history lesson people don't
mind reading
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If
I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of
dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man
asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my
wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what
a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A
little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head
of the family, so call me President Blair. Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here
to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So
the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the
little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now,"
The
father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The
little boy replies, " President Blair is screwing The Working Class (no
change there then!) While The Government is sound asleep. The People
are being ignored and The Future is in deep poo!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The bunny and the snake
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both
were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a
bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to
hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm
going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what
I am."
"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is like
yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew
my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and
work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful.", replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches,
and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a
bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you.", cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
Then the bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
balls. I'd say you must be a Team Leader, a Supervisor or
possibly someone in Senior Management."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
JAMES
BOND’S WATCH
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art
watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear
Technical Support
18
months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which
I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try
and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To
make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive
versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program,
Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually,
I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only
to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they
caused severe damage to my hardware.
I
eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While
Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.
Shortly
after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run.
Any
mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and
could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had
forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer
and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and
Whinge.
These
latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the
problem is.
Additional
problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop
Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child
processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new
games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal
operation.
Also,
when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often
crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently
I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.
Any ideas?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheep sheep
sheep.....
A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to
breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of
the sheep are getting pregnant, and
calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't
have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He
comes to the conclusion that artificial
insemination means he has to impregnate
the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into
his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex
with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the
sheep. Seeing that they are all still
standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure
brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still
just standing round. One more try, he
tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the
woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning,
he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He
asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the
grass. "No," she says,
"they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read this
question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for
the result.
This is not
a trick question.
It is as it
reads.
No one I
know has got it right.
A woman,
while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not
know.
She thought
this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be,
that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his
number and could not find him.
A few days
later she killed her sister.
Question:
What is her motive for killing her sister?
Give this
some thought before you answer
>
>
>
>
Answer: She
was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test
by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the
test and answered the question correctly.
If you
didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got
the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email
list, unless of course that will upset you, then I'll just be extra
nice to you instead
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE RULES OF MANHOOD
1.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie
starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss'
car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37
seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her
teeth
3.
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his mates.
4.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
5.
If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her. End of story.
6.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
7.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional.
9.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest. End of story.
10.
When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
11.
You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of fart
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
12.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
13.
Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.
14.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
15.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. If a man's
fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much as the other sports watchers.
17.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight. End of story.
18.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both.
19.
If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more!
Harder!
c. Another set and we can
hit the showers!
22.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary. End of story.
24.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
big mistake it was.
25.
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.
26.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green or
orange.
27.
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.
End of story.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and
can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the
telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are
talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the
user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from
the AC wall
socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on
the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown
Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator:
" Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the
number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no
listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used
to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it
says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a
pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the
Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you
have done up until this point?".
Customer:
"Sure. You told me to write
'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left
hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow.
How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will
I have my file back again?".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This
is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance;
may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm
having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was
just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They
disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen
look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it
won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or
did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I
tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the
screen??"
Caller:
"What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your
cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't
any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power
indicator??"
Caller: "What's a
monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen
on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you
when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't
know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the
back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you
see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think
so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the
plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:
"Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the
monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the
back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need
you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it
is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell
me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't
reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see
if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your
knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not
because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the
office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the
window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because
there's a power failure."
Operator: "A
power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay,
we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I
keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and
unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really?
Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it
is."
Caller: "Well,
all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're
too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Times have Changed -
Trafalgar 2004
The
end of civilisation.
Trafalgar 2004
Nelson:
"Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy:
"Aye, aye sir."
Nelson:
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"
Hardy:
"Sorry sir?"
Nelson
(reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy:
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
'England' past the censors lest it be considered racist."
Nelson:
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy:
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."
Nelson: "In that
case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy:
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson:
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."
Hardy:
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water."
Nelson:
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the
crow's nest please."
Hardy:
"That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson:
"What?"
Hardy:
"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson:
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy:
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson:
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy:
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson:
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy:
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson:
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy:
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson:
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy:
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson:
"What? This is mutiny."
Hardy:
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a
couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson:
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy:
"Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson:
"We're not?"
Hardy:
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even
be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."
Nelson:
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson:
"You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.
Hardy:
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson:
"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"
Hardy:
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson:
"What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I
believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson:
"In that case ...kiss me, Hardy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women walking home from a girls
night out need a pee, so they go
into the cometary. But one says there's no toilet paper I'll use my
knickers and then throw them away. The other finds a ribbon with a card
and wipes her bum with the ribbon. Next day two hsubands discuusing how
there wives came home, One says my wife came home with no knickers, And
the other husband says mine came back with a card up her bum with best
wishes from the lads at fire brigade written on it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Test
for Dementia
(INSANITY
for short
in English)
Below
are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer
them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them
immediately. OK?
Let's
find out just how clever you really are.
Ready?
GO!!!(scroll down)
First
Question:
You
are participating in a race You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?
Answer:If
you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are
second!
Try
not to screw up in the next question.
To
answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took
for the first question.
Second
Question:
If you
overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third
Question:
Very
tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT
use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take
1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What
is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Did
you get 5000?
The
correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't
believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not
your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth
Question:
Mary's
father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What
is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer:
Nunu?
NO!Of
course not.
Her
name isMary .
Read the question again
Okay,
now the bonus round:
There
is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the
action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself
to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if
there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?
He
just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
KEEP
THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART
PEOPLE IN
YOUR LIFE!
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man & Woman Facts
MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER
FOR ADULTS –
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY THE END OF THE MONTH
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR
CONTENTS, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1: “How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays”
Step-by-step, with slide presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and
Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2: “The Toilet Paper Roll - Does it Change Itself?”
Round-the table discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday at
2:00pm for 2 hours.
Class 3: “Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of
Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby
Bathtub?” Group practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00pm
for 2 hours. (Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on
16th Street)
Class 4: “Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and
the Floor” Pictures and explanatory graphics. Meetings are
Saturdays at 2:00pm for 3 weeks.
Class 5: “After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly
Into the Kitchen Sink?” Video presentation. Meets 4 weeks,
Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00pm.
Class 6: “Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your
Significant Other” Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets
fourWeeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00pm.
Class 7: “Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in
the right places instead of turning the house upside down while
screaming” Open forum. Monday at 8:00pm, 2 hours.
Class 8: “Health Watch - Giving her flowers is not harmful to
your health” Graphics and audio tapes. Three nights;
Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00pm for 2 hours.
Class 9: “Real Men ask for Directions When Lost” Real life
testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00pm, location to be determined.
Class 10: “Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she
parallel parks”? Driving simulations. Four weeks, Saturday's
noon, 2 hours.
Class 11: “Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother
and Wife” Online classes and role-playing.
Class 12: “How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion”
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. Meets
four weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00p.m.
Class 13: “How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to
be Late” Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies
offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00pm for 2
hours.
Class 14: “The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used”
Live demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00pm, location to be determined.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Congratulations… We survived!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably
should not have survived.
Our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets.
As children, we would ride in cars that had neither seat belts nor air
bags. When we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention
the risks we took hitchhiking.) Riding in the back of a pickup
truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter with jam on, and drank
fizzy drinks with sugar in them, but we were never overweight because
we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with
four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us
all day. No mobile phones……unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at
all, no 99 channels on cable, no videotape movies, no surround sound,
no personal mobile phones, no personal computers, nor Internet chat
rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played
dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of
trees perhaps, got cut and broke bones and teeth perhaps, and there
were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents: no
one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned
to get over it. We made up games that used sticks and tennis
balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did
not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or
rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League
had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had
to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and
were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests at
school were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected, there was
no-one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke
a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law and said
that we had let them down. Imagine that!
Our generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with them all……
….And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsflash!
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early
hours of Monday 06th March 2003.
Epicentre: Canvey Island,Essex.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fockin mentoe",
"innit" and "cont". The earthquake decimated the area causing
approximately GBP30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless
collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were
damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were
disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Essex
News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered,
still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting
had happened in Canvey. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a
15-year-old mother of 5 said " It was such a shock, my little
Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm
slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy
the next morning." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime
did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to
ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken
locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have
found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit
books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from
Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought
after, items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa
tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female) White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food
parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required
foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and
cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the
compensation forms, GBP2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks
for a family of 9, GBP5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a
lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is
unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and
Laindon.
---------------------------------------------------------------
oh no...
This will make you groan .....
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as
well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.
Swoop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father,
shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and
guzzles the last of it.
Swoop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left...then
to the right.... right through the front door, into the street,
where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says...
(wait for it)
"He should have quit while he was a head!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Security
alert
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6
suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have
been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Hiding, Bin Fukinabout, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin
have all been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the
description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin
will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you searching for Inner Peace. Patterns
Enjoy.
How I got INNER PEACE
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........the article read:
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jim Beam, my Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates and 2 litres of Fosters Lager, a 1/2 can of cider & a large reefer
You have no idea how f*cking good I feel....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Womans Logic
Last night my wife said to me that the American and British Governments
had publicly said that their troops were not there to stop the looters
of
property which
belongs to the people of Iraq as that in all the Government
departments, hospitals, archeological museums, etc., and they were not
there to act as the local police.
She then asked me why then they were so active
protecting the oil wells?
This war is not about oil, of course!!
Just a woman's logic, no doubt!!
Jacob Matthan
http://www.findians.com/educated.html
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cautionary
tale of Local Government
Once upon a time, the Local Government and the Local Boys School
decided to have a competitive boat race on the river. Both teams
practiced long
and hard
to reach their peak performance and on the big day they were as ready
as could be …….The Boys School won by a mile.
Afterwards the Local Government team became very discouraged by the
loss, and morale sagged. Senior Management decided that the reason for
the crushing
defeat had to be found and a project team was set up to investigate the
problem and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion: the problem
was that the
Boys School team had eight people rowing and one person steering;
the Local Government team had one person rowing and eight people
steering.
Senior Management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study
on the teams structure. Many pounds and several months later they
concluded that too
many people were steering and not enough were doing the rowing. To
prevent losing to the Boys School next year, the team structure was
changed to four
'Steering Managers', three 'Senior Managers' and one 'Executive
Steering Manager'. A performance and appraisal system was set up to
give the person
rowing the boat more incentive to work harder and become a key
performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to
do it".
The next year the Boys School won by two miles.
The Local Government laid off the rower for poor performance,
sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment for
new equipment and halted
development of a new boat. They awarded high performance awards to the
consultants and distributed the money saved to Senior Management.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do and the eyesight to
tell the difference.Now that I'm "older"(but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered.
1 - I started out with nothing, and I still
have most of it.
2 - My wild oats have turned into prunes and
All Bran.
3 - I finally got my head together; now my body
is falling apart.
4 - Funny, I remember being absent minded.
5 - All reports are in; life is now officially
unfair.
6 - If all is not lost where is it?
7 - It is easier to get older than it is to
get wiser.
8 - Some days you're the dog; some days you're
the hydrant.
9 - I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could
use a few.
10 Kids in the back seat cause accidents
11 Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12 It's hard to make a comeback when you
haven't been anywhere.
13 The only time the world beats a path to your
door is when you're in the bathroom.
14 If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would
have put them on my knees.
15 When I'm finally holding all the cards, why
does everyone decide to play chess?
16 It's not hard to meet expenses.....they're
everywhere.
17 The only difference between a rut and a
grave is the depth.
18 These days, I spend a lot of time thinking
about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder
what I'm here after.
19 I'm unable to remember if I have mailed this
to you before or not.
Now I think you're supposed to send this to five or six, maybe 10, oh
heck, send it to a bunch of friends if you can remember who they are.
Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your
memory back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brain Surgery
British doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a brain out of one man, put it in another and have him
looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a brain out of
one person, put it in another and have him preparing for war in
four weeks.
The American doctor (not to be outdone) says, "You guys are way
behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him
in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work, and
the other half preparing for war."
----------------------------------
Something to sing!!
To the tune of "If you're happy and you know it"
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's good enough for me
'Cos it'all the proof I need
Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad),
Bomb Iraq.
If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
-------------------------------
Because I'm a man............
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You NEVER get as sick
as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger -- I mean, how could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your
mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when
she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And
don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if
I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't like it. Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up
the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then,
yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his
picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim
Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do
not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
what you were wearing five minutes ago was
fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without
it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the
2000's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the
laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes.
I'll do the rest.
This has been a public service message for women, to better
understand the Male animal.
---------------------------------------------------------
Newcastle Windaz Too
Thoosand
It has come to the attention of Microsoft that
several thousand copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000,
otherwise known as "Windaz Too Thoosand", have been accidentally
shipped out of Newcastle.
If you have purchased one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some
help understanding the commands. You will be able to tell immediately
if you have a copy of "Windaz 2000" by:
1) The hour-glass has been replaced by a tipping bottle of Newcastle
Brown.
2) The Recycle Bin is labelled as "Shite".
3) Dial-up network is called "Me mates".
4) The Control Panel is known as " How we fook
aboot wi the settins".
5) The hard drive is referred to as " Big disk
wi aall me stoof on it".
Other features of note are:
1) The "OK" button is labelled "Alreet".
2) The "Cancel" button is labelled "Fook that".
3) The "Yes" button is labelled "Aye".
4) The "No" button is labelled "Nee fookin chance".
5) The "Goto" button is labelled "Owa there".
6) "Help" is known as "Ah cannit dee it".
7) The Personal folder/ My Documents is called
"Me Shite".
Also, Windaz 2000 does not recognise capital letters nor punctuation
marks.
There are also some applications written
especially for "Windaz 2000", and they are:
1) "Tipe Rita" - a word processor.
2) "Cullarin Book" - a graphics package.
3) "Addin masheen" - a calculator.
4) "Dole 2000" - Accounting software.
5) "Porn" - Internet Explorer
---------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------
Rules for Work
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me,
and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me
a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open
the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is
priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I
like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job,
don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost
done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice
to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about
having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being
such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre performance
rating with a cost of living increase. hI'm notere for the money
anyway.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some rules to put you straight:
Male Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! Print this
out and remember it. And dont moan. If you're a Man pass to your
partner for a greater understanding. If you're a woman keep it
somewhere
prominent like on the fridge !
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big
girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then your stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out
of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two
ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the
other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And
quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what
mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or motor bikes.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. No you really do have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours
to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
camping.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape
----------------------------------------------------------------
Excess Gas
Some more information about the fart.
1) The Antarctic stations are fairly international but the blokes in
Mexican Station pinch the women's bums, and the blokes
in the English Station set fire to there farts. Source woman on the
Arthur Smith program radio 4 Saturday morning 2/11/02.
2) In Spike Milligan's book "Hitler my part in his downfall" describes
how training soldiers would light the farts, but consequently
burnt there bums and had to spend time in hospital. The nursing staff
knew what they had done before they described it. I
don't think the film of the book played by the carry-on crowd with
Spike as his father, covered this aspect as well as the
book.
3) My dad said, when I told him about Spike's book, that was nothing he
new someone, when he was doing national service,
with enough control to perform "three blind mice".
----------------------------------------------------------------
Home Truths - Double
Glazing
Jon Peel’s Home Truths on radio 4 had a story on the 2/11/02 about
someone who bought a kit-kat and a coffee and sat
with someone she did not know at a table in a cafe. She took a piece
of the kit-kat then the man took a piece until it was finished. She
thought it strange that the man should eat half her kit-kat until she
put her hand in her pocket latter and found her kit-kat. She had
inadvertently eaten the stranger's kit-kat.
Many many years ago mum, my sister, and myself where sharing a table,
with some other people because there was no spare tables at the Trinity
Theatre bar and cafe in Tunbridge Wells. The other people started
discussing how terrible double glazing sales men where, they had had
recent telephone experiences. We were waiting for dad to join us for
lunch. Dad who was retired had a little job
as a telly sales operator for BAC double-glazing would be full of what
he had sold and how good he was at it. This could have been more
embarrassing than eating someone else’s kit-kat, particularly as the
other peole
had been saying what they would do to a double-glazing telly salesman,
but we distracted dad when he came and a situation was avoided.
I don’t know if dad ever sold conservatory’s to people living on the
11th floor (this refers to another story the following week on home
truths) but a few years later my sister was central
to a funny story. Avril was off work following a stay in hospital,
with little to occupier her when she was phone by a double-glazing
sales
man. Avril always says to tellisalesmen don’t waste your time go on
to your next call. Anyway the sales man was insistent so Avril admitted
that she does like plants but a conservatory would have to be on two
levels,
this was off cause, was possible. Avril wanted to be sure they could
build
a conservatory on to her flat, but the salesman was sure they could
build
up walls, and around corners. After half an hour Avril gave her address
flat
3, etc. and a time was agreed for their sales man to call. Just as the
salesman
was about to ring off, she said did you get the address right - second
floor
flat, the salesman called her a cow or something and rang off.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the Bain
Review
* Urban Myth - or true.
An old lady in Speldhurst Road, Southborough reported a fire by writing
a note on a post card. She posted it and very shortly after the postman
picked it out and rushed up the road to Southborough fire station. They
came and put the fire out.
* In the film "Fire Fire" - staring Will Hay - 1939
The station commander (Will Hay) The engine regularly turned up to late
to the
fires finding just smouldering ashes.
A woman came into the station one day and commander took his pencil
from behind his ear recorded the details in the ledger
periodically licking his indelible pencil. The woman reported a fire,
but unfortunately commander Will had to admit - it is unfortunate that
you did not come yesterday, because we lent our horse to the milkman
today because his horse had gone lame. I think they resolve the problem
by borrowing a horse from the Maidstone & District Bus Garage next
door, and the horse stopped at all the Bus Stops on the way to the fire.
The station is in trouble over its poor record and station commander
Will tells a visiting London brigade commander that they leave the
station in 30, the visiting commander could just about manage that as
well, only he was talking about 30 seconds, and Will was talking about
30 minutes.
Later in the film the brigade do get to a fire, but it
is a hoax used by robbers attempting to steal the crown jewels.
Fortunately the station's research department who had been working on
foam to smother fires (very ahead of its time) had discovered the key
ingredient X.
X was Newcastle Brown. Will's Victorian cast iron helmet was hit with a
ting by one of the robbers bullets, Will's head with helmet pops above
the foam, and Will says "who's' throwing stones". The brigade appeared
oblivious of the robbery they had inadvertently foiled.
* It would be a worrying if modernisation resulted in reported
incidents being prioritised.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Raisin
A Woman making a cake dropped a raisin on the
floor. Not being particularly house proud or fussy, she bent down
picked it up and put it in her mouth. It moved and she spat it out it
was a wood louse, that had rolled in to a ball before she had picked it
up. - Home Truths, Radio 4, 27-04-02
-----------------------------------------------------
Alternative Male Brain
---------------------------------------------------------------
Wheel-Barrow
My Friend George Lott reminded me of a good old joke.
"A man wheels a wheel-barrow of straw through the town every week.
Copper suspects he's stealing something, goes through the straw and
finds nothing. Next and every week, the same and the copper find's
nothing in the straw. Eventually copper retires but want's to know
what the man is stealing. He says to the man I'm retired and can't work
out what you are stealing - and I won't do anything about it if you
tell
me. Man says 'Wheel-Barrows'"
To tell you a little more about George: - He drinks
in the High Brooms Tavern (formally High Brooms Hotel). He always uses
a jug because although the beer in straight glass tastes the same but
there
is a risk of the glass slipping though your hands on a new fifth pint.
This happened once while he was talking to someone, the full glass hit
the wooden floor, and the beer rose out of the glass. At
this point the pub went silent. The pint all but a few spots fell
back in to the glass, George bent down, and picked up the pint
(thinking
I could look a fool here) continued his conversation, and drinking his
beer. 20 second latter conversation resumed in the bar. Subsequently
someone else told him that he went straight home thinking he had had
far too
much to drink when he saw that.
George tells me his wife only found out that he was
drinking when he came home sober one evening. - As I said the old ones
are the best.
----------------------------------------------------
Memory loss in old age
Old lady said to old man "My memory is very bad I go
upstairs then forget what I went up their for". Old man (Alf Garnet)
says "I don't have that problem I live in a bungalow"
Alf Garnet say's "I don't drink water - fish piss in
it"
Warren Mitchell's one man show a few years ago.
----------------------------------------------
Americans
Subject: why Americans should never be let out of the
country
Actual comments from US travel agents:
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get
messed up by being near the window.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown
is in Africa."
Her response ... click.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me.
I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the
map".
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates
to save time."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at
8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told
her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why
do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,
they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is
there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I
"looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained
the city code
for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination
tag
on her luggage.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he
replied,
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn
planes have numbers on them."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on
a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York"
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said:
"Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some
searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus
anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows
where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state
of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's
it! I knew it was a big animal!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Beware.......Rude
Joke!
An escaped prisoner, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 5
years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a
house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the
bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was
kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as
possible,
the husband made his way across the room to his wife, his chair in tow,
and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him
kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and
do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along
with
it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him
mad. Our lives depend on it!" After spitting out the gag in her
mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that
way.
You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years & he wasn't kissing
my
neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute
and
asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love
you."
------------------------------------------------------
45 Things We
Have Learnt Off Television
1. When staying in a haunted house, women
should always investigate any strange noises wearing their most
revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can
usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time
of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top
sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist
level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at
least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane,
providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub
off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building
is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in
there and you can travel to any other part of the building without
difficulty.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in
any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of
your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off
as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A
German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any
window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their
drinks
12. A man will show no pain while taking the
most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
wounds.
13. When paying for a taxi, never look at your
wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it
over. It will always be the exact fare.
14. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump
of your arm to grow by 16cm.
15. Kitchens don't have light switches. When
entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use
that light instead.
16. During all police investigations, it will
be necessary to visit a cheesy strip club at least once.
17. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and
children never have time to eat them.
18. Cars and trucks that crash will
almost always burst into flames
19. Women always wake up in the morning with
full perfect make-up applied.
20. A single match will be sufficient to light
up a room the size of a football stadium.
21. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's
easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the
middle of the afternoon.
22. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
23. Although in the 20th century it
is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people
of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
24. All single women have a cat.
25. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit
bolt upright and pant.
26. Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left
to right every few moments, and maintain a stern expression.
27. One man shooting at 20 men has a better
chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
28. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should
always be closely investigated.
29. If a phone line is broken, communication
can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?,
Hello?"
30. Most people keep a scrapbook of
newspaper cuttings especially if any of their family or friends has
died in a strange boating accident.
31. It does not matter if you are heavily
outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait
patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
32. During a very emotional confrontation,
instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to
stand behind them and talk to their back.
33. When you turn out the light to go to bed,
everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just
slightly bluish.
34. Dogs always know who's bad and will
naturally bark at them.
35. Police departments give their officers
personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner
who is their total opposite.
36. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer
to speak English to each other.
37. Action heroes never face charges for
manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
38. No matter how badly a spaceship
is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
39. If there is a deranged killer on the loose,
this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the
power and phone lines in the vicinity.
40. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs
prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving
fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that
will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
41. Having a job of any kind will make all
fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
42. Many musical instruments - especially wind
instruments and accordions can be played without moving the fingers.
43. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going
to go off.
44. It is always possible to park directly
outside the building you are visiting.
45. A detective can only solve a case once he
has been suspended from duty.
---------------------------------------------------------
Good old Tommy Cooper jokes
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says "I"m going to have to put him down."
What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No. Because he's really heavy"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and sounds like a bell? (did Spike Milligan tell this one first?)
DUNG
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaaaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said "You are."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm.
I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
And he said "You've been promoted."
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again."
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director."
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"
And I said "I careered off the road.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought "This is unusual".
And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing
cabinet."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat git"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
The other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors, the doctor said " I haven't seen you
In long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My dog was barking at everyone the other day.
Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
Find any.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
So That Is The Difference
On-line Orgasmic
Simulation.
How does the other
sex experience pleasure
|
You've always
wondered how the other sex experiences an orgasm... Do you want to see
the difference? Then try this Orgasmic Simulation:
|
|
|
|
Improbability Drive (Don't click on the fish)
