A COLLECTION OF RUDE JOKES

WARNING!
 
THE JOKES ON THIS PAGE MAY BE RUDE, SEXIST, RACIST, SICK, GENERALLY OFFENSIVE AND MANY CONTAIN VILE LANGUAGE.
 
IF YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED BY THIS, PLEASE DON'T READ THEM.

 
---------------------------------------------
 
Now, in an effort to explain briefly the origin of some of this material, I must at first say that I can lay claim to almost none of these jokes, most of them having been proffered by various colleagues who have incidentally begged me to maintain their anonymity, something I've yet to decide on....
 
You see, our workplace doesn't offer much in the way of mental stimulation, and so some of us find we have to create our own, and do so by exchanging, amongst other things, some of the most silly, rude and offensive jokes and limericks imaginable.
 
Anyhow, after a bit of discussion it was decided that the idea of putting this material on the Internet was a good one, so here it is, a hopefully ever-expanding collection of workplace jokes, all on one page, with none of that annoying clicking around! Sexist, racist or simply downright rude, they may well be here somewhere, but whatever you do, if you might possibly be offended, please read no further - you have been warned!
 
Enjoy!

"Brace  Yourself!!"

1
A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."

2
There once was a man from St. Clair,
who was screwing his wife on the stair.
The banister broke,
so he quickened his stroke
and finished her off in mid-air.

3
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
 
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."
 
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
 
About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."

4
A young girl unexpectedly walks in on her parents having sex, Mum on top. After surveying the scene for a moment or two, she asks what they are doing.
"I was just letting some of the air out of Dad because he's too fat," said Mum.
The girl replies, "What's the point? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again tomorrow like she usually does."

5
Why are camels also known as 'Ships Of The Desert'?
Because they're full of Arab seamen.....

6
A nun met a Scotsman one day, and as he was sporting a kilt, curiosity got the better of her and she asked him what was under it.
"You'd better have a feel for yourself", he tells her, so she went ahead and delved in.
"Ugghh!!" she said, "It's gruesome!"
"Aye lass," he replied happily, "It just grew some more...!"

7
An Arabian man and his friend were on an expedition across the desert, but he needed some advice when they finally reached a waterhole.
"I just can't seem to get my camel to drink any water," he explained, "and it's a long way to the next waterhole and I'm worried it'll die of thirst if it doesn't drink now."
"O. K.," said the other, "I'll show you what to do. Bring the camel over here and I'll hold its head in the water. Now, you put your lips around its ass and suck hard, that'll draw the water up just fine."
So the guy starts sucking as hard as he can, but there's a problem:
"Hang on," he says, coughing and spluttering, "the camel's head must be too deep in the water, the mud's started coming through."

8
Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually.
"I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"
"Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose."
"Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head."

9
An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.
 
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
 
"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
"Can I help you sir?' he says.
"Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!"
 
The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
 
At the end the thrilled barman cries,
"Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?"
"That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' "
"Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?"
"Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.
 
The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' "
"I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ".
 
"Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."
 
"Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?"
On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
 
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
 
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear,
"Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says,
"Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"

10
There was a young lady from Moreton,
who had one long tit and one short one.
On top of all that,
a great hairy twat,
and a fart like an eight-fifty Norton.

11
What advantages do a cucumber and a beer have over a man?
The beer comes in a can, not in your mouth, and a cucumber can stay hard for weeks.

12
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

13
One day, a man walked into a dentist's surgery and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Forty quid," the dentist said.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist said, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to 30 pounds."
Looking annoyed, the man said, "That's still far too expensive!"
"Okay," said the dentist. "If I save on time and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to 10 pounds."
"Nope," moaned the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," said the dentist finally, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it using pliers, I suppose I can knock the price down to a fiver."
"Marvelous!" said the man. "Book my wife in for next Tuesday!"

14
How do you make three pounds of fat look attractive?
Put a nipple on it.

15
There was a young man from Aberystwyth,
who said to the girl he'd just kissed with,
"That hole in your crotch,
is for fucking and such,
and not just a gadget to piss with."

16
A couple gets married. Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs.... and he starts to cry. She says,
"What's the matter?"
He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can't wait to eat me!"

17
A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband grabbed the offending man by his nob and dragged him to the garage. After putting his dick into a vice and removing the bar so it couldn't be loosened he walked over to the shelf and took down a saw. The naked man said,
"My god, you're not going to cut it off are you?"
The husband replied,
"Oh no sir, the saw is for you. I'm going to set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision."

18
A woman walked into the ladies' and saw a man standing up using the toilet. Shocked, she exclaimed,
"Excuse me, but this is for women !"
"So's this!" he replied.

19
Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back."

20
There was a young man from Nantucket,
Who's cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with great glee,
as it hung past his knee,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it."

21
What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian?
You know she'll swallow.

22
A young girl swallowed a pin when she was eleven and never felt a prick until she turned eighteen.

23
What do model electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
They were originally intended for children but it's the men who seem to play with them the most.

24
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask directions.

25
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple doesn't come on your face until you're a teenager.

26
A guy says to his wife,
"I'm in the mood for a 69er." She says,
"It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings, so she tells him to answer the door.
"But my face is a mess! I can't go to the door like this!" he says. She says,
"It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." So he opens the door and says,
"I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The postman says,
"I wasn't looking at the jam around your mouth, I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

27
What are the three words men hate to hear during sex?
"Have you finished?"

28
What are the three words women hate to hear during sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

29
What do you call a woman who is paralysed from the waist down?
Married.

30
There once was a young man from Kent,
whose dick was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,
he put it in double,
and instead of coming, he went.

31
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they don't hump female legs at cocktail parties.

32
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job still sucks.

33
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence.

34
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.

35
What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

36
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, dear, it's because you're blonde."
 
The following day the girl came skipping home from school again.
"Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? a, b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, dear, it's because you're blonde."
 
The next day the girl came skipping home from school once again.
"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fine pair of 36C breasts.
"Very good," said her somewhat embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No, dear, it's because you're 25."

37
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.

38
Why was the penis feeling so depressed?
His best friends were two nuts who lived next to an asshole.

39
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained,
"I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
 
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
"Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"

40
There once was a hermit named Dave,
who found a dead whore in a cave.
She was missing a tit,
and she stunk a bit,
but think of the money he'd save.

41
What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're having a wank and your hand falls asleep.

42
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

43
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire Accident & Emergency crew to get it out.

44
Why is being in the Army like a blow job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

45
What has little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

46
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
We're closed - beat it.

47
There was this old couple that had been married a long time. Being of advanced years, they hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife decides to go out and buy some crotch-less underwear. She goes home, puts them on and goes downstairs where her husband is watching TV. She tries to get his attention, but all he's interested in is the sports channel. Finally, she goes and sits on the floor in front of him with her legs wide open, saying,
"Do you want some of this?"
The husband looks at her in horror and replies,
"Bloody hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"

48
What do puppies and gynaecologists have in common?
Wet noses.

49
A man is hitch-hiking up the dual carriageway when a lorry stops for him. As he climbs into the cab he notices a monkey sitting on the dashboard. After chatting for a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says,
"I'll show you." He hits the monkey very hard with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the cab. The monkey picks itself up and disappears between the drivers legs, unzips his jeans, pulls out the driver's willy and proceeds to give him a blow job. Afterwards the monkey gets some tissues, cleans the driver up, zips it all back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
"Yeah, bloody amazing!" says the man. Then trucker asks the him,
"Do you want to give it a try?" The man says,
"OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey....."

50
There once was a man from Brighton,
who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She said, "Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one."

51
How do you confuse an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

52
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit an object buried in the earth, which turned out to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man pulled the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a flash of light and a clap of thunder and suddenly standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.
"Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion."
The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his small home was transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.
"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"You have one wish left, master. What is it to be?" asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle." said the man.

53
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhoea chancing a fart!

54
Why did God give women belly buttons?
So there's somewhere to stick your chewing gum on the way down.

55
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time, and had been invited to dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog, Rover, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it had been a large dinner and the boy really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Rover! Get out!" the father yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks it's the dog farting!" So he let out another one, somewhat louder than the first.
"Rover! Get out from under that chair!" the father barked. The boy was feeling more confident now that the dog was clearly getting the blame, so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Rover! For god's sake get out from under that chair before the boy shits on you!"

56
A man walked into his local pub and was a little surprised to see a donkey standing by the bar, and asked the barman why it was there.
"It's a little competition I've set up for the punters." replied the barman. "If you can make the donkey laugh you get free drinks all evening."
"O. K.", said the man, "I reckon I can do it, but I'll need to take the donkey outside."
The barman agreed to this, and the man led the donkey outside. Within seconds, the donkey crawled back in through the door and rolled on the floor almost breathless with laughter.
"Blimey!" said the barman, "I've never seen that happen before! Free drinks all night it is then, as promised. Tell you what, if you can make the donkey cry, I'll give you free drinks all week!"
The man took a sip of his drink, then lead the donkey outside again, and in a minute or so the donkey quietly returned to the bar and suddenly broke down in tears, sobbing uncontrollably.
"I've never seen anything like it!" said the barman, "How did you do it?"
"Well," said the man "I made the donkey laugh by telling it I had the biggest willy."
"I must admit that is quite funny," said the barman, "but how did you make it cry?"
"By showing it to him."

57
There was a lady sitting at the bar and every time she wanted a drink she would raise her arm. She seemed to have an awful lot of hair under her armpit and the barman was finding it quite revolting and mentioned this to a man also sitting at the bar, saying that the next time she did that he was not going to give her a drink. One minute later she said,
"Bartender, Bartender, get me another drink."
The barman refused, but the man sitting there said,
"Oh go on, give the poor ballerina another drink."
The barman was intrigued and asked the man how he knew she was a ballerina, to which he replied,
"Well, anyone that can lift their leg that high must be a ballerina!"

58
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench having a gossip when this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed at them. The first lady had a stroke, as did the second, but the third one was too far away to reach.

59
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the difficulty he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this inside your mouth between your cheek and gums." The client places the ball in his mouth as instructed and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,
"And what if I should swallow the ball by accident?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back ne next day like everyone else does!"

60
On the bridge sat the Bishop of Buckingham,
thinking of twats and of sucking 'em.
And watching the stunts,
Of the cunts in the punts,
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.

61
There once was a lady who was fed up with the unreliable and violent men she'd had relationships with, so she put an advert in the local paper requesting the following:
1. A man who would treat her nicely.
2. A man who wouldn't run away from her.
3. A man who would be good in bed.
One day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the doorstep was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?" she said.
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

62
A man goes to his doctor and says,
"Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem."
The doctor examines the man and finds that he has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub into the problem area.
"It's all cleared up!" the man reports when he returns. "But what was that medication you gave me?"
"Lipstick remover." replied the doctor.

63
A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying now?" he asks.
"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.
"What's the problem this time?" he asks, getting a little impatient.
"I've never been screwed," she says, whereby the guy promptly picks her up and throws her into the water.
"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

64
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit on the ground. One of the boys said,
"What is that?"
"They're smart pills." said the other boy. "Eat them and they'll make you smarter." So he ate some of them and said,
"These pills taste like shit."
"See?" said the other boy, "you're already getting smarter."

65
Two guys got arrested for smoking dope, and were due to appear in court the following Friday. In court, the judge says,
"If you can persuade more than 5 people to stop doing drugs, you won't be sent to jail." Two men readily agree to try this, so the judge tells them to come back on Monday morning to report on their efforts. The two guys come back on Monday as requested, and the judge asks how they did.
"I persuaded 17 people to get off drugs." says the first guy.
"That's a good result. How did you manage that?" asks the judge.
"I drew 2 circles." replied the first man, "I told them that the large circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's nothing!" said the second man. "I persuaded 156 people to get off drugs."
"That's most impressive." said the judge. "How did you achieve that?"
"Well, I drew 2 circles too. But I told them the small circle is your asshole before prison and the big circle...."

66
Did you hear about the blind skunk?
It fell in love with a fart.

67
Two old ladies are at the movies:
"Psst!" says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is having a wank."
"What makes you think that?"
"He's using my hand."

68
A man goes to his doctor for an eye examination. They were talking as the doctor was examining his eyes, and in the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually said,
"You need to stop masturbating." The guy replied,
"Why doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor said,
"No, but you've been upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

69
Once there were two farmers. One had a young daughter and the other had a young son. As they lived in neighbouring farms, they encouraged their children to play with each other. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children playing with each other anymore. The boy's father asked,
"Why not?" The other farmer said,
"Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow. The boy's father said,
"Oh, come on, that's just boy's stuff, I'm sure it was just innocent fun." The other farmer said,
"I don't think you understand. That's my daughter's handwriting."

70
While once with the Duchess at tea,
She asked "Do you burp when you pee?"
I said, (with some wit)
"Do you fart when you shit?",
And thought, "That's one up to me!"

71
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician,
"Your secretary has said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you care to comment on this?"
"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a very big mouth."

72
A lady runs into her doctor's surgery screaming. She yells,
"Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?" The doctor asks,
"Well, how bad is it? How far does the hair extend?" The lady replies,
"From here all the way down to my penis!"

73
Three dogs were in the vet's waiting room. The first dog asked the second dog what he was in for, and he answered,
"My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I shat and pissed all over it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?" The first dog replied grimly,
"I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of antique vases and while I was jumping around the room I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all." The two dogs then looked over and asked the third dog what he was in for. The third dog answered,
"The reason I'm here is the other day my mistress stepped out of the shower and then she bent over to pick up the towel. I couldn't resist the temptation, so I jumped on her from behind and humped the ass off her."
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" said the first dog.
"Oh no," said the third dog, "I'm just in here to get my claws trimmed."

74
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. The man asks,
"Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains,
"The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says,
"And the Viagra?"
"Stops him from falling out of bed."

75
A beautiful woman loved gardening, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded,
"Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato plants and flop my willy out, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed, she decided to try the same idea with her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her muff and tits to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did things go? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

76
After getting out of the shower, a middle-aged woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of telling her it's not so, as he had done for many years previously, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, try this. Every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife gets some toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"The effects aren't immediate," he replies, "but they'll grow larger over a longish period of time." The wife pauses and says,
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger?" The husband replies,
"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

77
A lawyer is standing in a long queue at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands massaging his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around and says,
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

78
A father and his son go into the chemists when they happen upon the condom display. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms, to which the father replies,
"Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in secondary school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father,
"What's the 6-pack for?" The father replies,
"Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning." Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies,
"Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."

79
Why do the Welsh prefer to shag sheep on cliff tops?
So the sheep push back harder.

80
I invited an old whore to tea,
and as we were discussing her fee,
She gave me a shock,
when she pulled out her cock,
And announced she would fuck me for free.

81
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down again. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period." said the little boy.
"Well, OK, I can see that now," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 14 year old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mum fainted and the man next door shot himself."

82
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated. The egg mutters, to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess that answers that question!"

83
When I was young, I had no sense,
and stuck my dick on an electric fence.
It curled my hairs, it tickled my balls,
And it made me shit in my overalls.

84
A couple had just bought a new house. The husband turned to his wife and asked her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left. When she got to the hardware store, she found the hinge she wanted and put it on the counter in front of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her,
"Do you want a screw for that hinge?" She looked back at him and said,
"No, but I'll give you a blow job for that toaster in the window."

85
This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous girl sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string:
"If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."

86
Bloke: "Would you let me shag you for a million pounds?"
Girl: "Yes."
Bloke: "Could I shag you for a fiver?"
Girl: "No! What the heck do you take me for?"
Bloke: "I've already worked that one out. I'm just figuring out the price."

87
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mummy, can little girls have babies?"
"No." said his mum, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mum heard him yell to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"

88
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed the male hormone testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing excess body hair." The doctor reassured her,
"A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"Well, it's on my testicles, which is something else I wanted to talk to you about....."

89
A newly married couple had just returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they were not talking to each other. The groom's best man took him aside and asked what was wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I absent mindedly left 50 on the pillow."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said,
"I'm sure that's true, but the trouble is, she left me 30 change!"

90
There once was a chap from Southall,
whose prick was incredibly small.
With a measuring rod
They found it was not
more than four-fifths of five-eights of fuck all.

91
What do blondes and doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets to have a turn.

92
Why don't witches wear underwear?
So they can get a better grip on their broomsticks.

93
In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses her head. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up towards the rear.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and says:
"Iron this."

94
There was this man sunbathing on a beach naked. A young girl came along and pointed to his willy and asked,
"What is that?" To which he replied,
"That's my pet swan." She then skipped happily away to play in the sand and the man fell asleep. Later he woke up in hospital with severe pain around his groin, the whole area wrapped in bandages. Utterly confused, he turns and notices the same girl is sitting by his bed with her mother.
"I'm very sorry," said the little girl, "but I went to play with your pet swan but it spat at me, so I broke its neck, smashed its eggs, and set light to its nest."

95
There was an old man from Harrow,
Who tried to have sex with a sparrow.
The sparrow said "No,
you can't have a go,
as the hole in my arse is too narrow."

96
A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing with his brother in the bedroom.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?!" the man asks.
"I'm riding a bus," his brother replies.
"That's a stupid thing to say!"
"It's a bloody stupid thing to ask!"

97
There was this guy who worked at a pickle factory. One day he came home and handed his wife 50 quid. She asked him where he got it so he told her that he had won it in a bet, because the guys at the factory had bet him 50 pounds that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer. The wife was horrified and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He unzipped his trousers and flopped it out for her to examine, and it was indeed all there, quite unharmed.
"But what about the pickle slicer?" asked the wife, perplexed.
"Oh, I think she quite enjoyed it!"

98
A guy walked into the psychiatrist's wearing only some cling film wrapped around his hips.
"Well sir," said the shrink, "I can clearly see you're nuts...."

99
Did you hear about the man who went to buy some camouflage trousers?
He couldn't find any.

100
A kinky young girl from Coleshill,
tried a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina
in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.

101
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled under by a strong currant.

102
A man awoke frightened in hospital after a serious accident, and started calling out to the doctor.
"Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"I'm not surprised," said the doctor, "I've cut your arms off."

103
I was invited to a seafood disco the other day......
and managed to pull a mussel.

104
Two Eskimos were out fishing in their boat but were finding it a little cold, so they decided to light a fire to warm themselves. Unfortunately, the fire burned through the hull causing the craft to sink, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.....

105
An ice cream man was found dead in his van, covered from head to toe in Hundreds and Thousands.
Police are saying he topped himself......

106
A man went to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of the top of his head.
"Hang on," said the doctor, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

107
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet. The vet picked up the dog and proceeded to give the dog a thorough examination, looking carefully into the dog's ears, mouth and eyes.
"I'm sorry," said the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why??" said the mystified owner.
"Because he's really heavy."

108
A guy goes into the doctor's and explains that he has a cricket ball suck up his ass.
"How's that?" says the doctor.
"Don't you bloody start!"

109
Two fat blokes in the pub.
"Your round." says one. The other says,
"So are you, you fat bastard."

110
There was a young girl from Australia
Who thought all dicks were a failure.
So she lay on her back,
and opened her crack,
and in backed a lorry and trailer.

111
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 2 seater Cessna aircraft crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered over 780 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night.

112
Why did the turkey cross the motorway?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

113
A man, whilst out walking had unfortunately fallen into a sewer, and although he couldn't swim, was seen to be going through the motions.....

114
Why do women traditionally get married in white?
So that they match the rest of the kitchen appliances.

115
There was a young man named Racine,
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave and convex,
It could fit either sex,
With attachments for those in between.

116
I be a farmer, my name is Bob,
and I'm widely renowned for the size of my knob.
It's too big for women, it just makes them weep
but it's just right for me cows
but a bit tight for me sheep.

117
A Scotsman was walking through the centre of Glasgow with a wellington boot on his willy. He was approached by a police officer who asked him what he was doing.
"Nothing much, just fuckin' a boot, officer."

118
Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed,
whilst Little Bo Peep was giving him head.
As soon as he came she started to weep,
'cos then he went off, and shagged all her sheep.

119
Based on statistics, the most common sexual position amongst married couples is Doggy Style. This is where the husband sits and begs, whilst the wife rolls over and plays dead.

120
There was a young girl from Kilkenny,
whose usual charge was a penny.
For half of that sum,
You could roger her bum;
A source of amusement to many.

121
A certain couple had only been married for about two years, but the man felt the initial spark was no longer in their sex life. He mentioned the problem to his mate down the pub, who suggested a bit of experimentation in the bedroom in order to try to spice things up a little. This sounded like a good idea, and one night while he was seducing his wife he quietly whispered in her ear,
"darling, would you mind if I put it in the other hole tonight?" To which she replied,
"you'd better not, we can't afford to have kids yet...."

122
Financially, things were getting a bit tight, and the husband was being nagged once again by his wife:
"If you helped out more around the home," she said, "we would be able to get rid of the au pair." To which he replied,
"Yes, but if you would take it up the ass, we'd be able to get rid of the dog!"

123
A man sat down in a cafe and asked for a bowl of tomato soup. The waiter informed him,
"The gentleman next to you got the last bowl, and there's none left. I'm terribly sorry sir." Feeling a little annoyed he settled for a cup of coffee instead, but glancing around he noticed the other chap had finished his meal, but had left most of the soup.
"Are you going to eat that?" He asked, to which the other guy said,
"No. You can have it if you want." The first man gratefully took it and started to eat it. When he got about half way through it, he saw the remains of a partly decomposed dead rat laying in the bottom, which caused him to promptly vomit the soup he'd eaten back into the bowl.
"Ha!" Said the other guy, "That's about as far as I got too!"

124
A rooster and a cat were crossing a bridge when the cat suddenly lost its footing and fell into the river. It managed to fight its way to the bank, cold, wet and angry, and looks up to see the rooster helpless with laughter, rolling on the ground and holding its sides. So what's the moral of this story?
A wet pussy makes for a happy cock!

125
There once was a Bishop from Birmingham,
Who buggered young boys while confirming 'em.
As they knelt before god,
He extended his rod,
And pumped the episcopal sperm in 'em.

126
There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were always quite stable.
at every full moon,
she would take out a spoon,
and drink herself under the table.

127
A woman was feeling really horny and wanted her husband to slip her a portion. The trouble was, he didn't feel like it, and just wanted to read. But as he was reading, every so often he would reach over and rub her fanny. After a while, she said,
"If you don't want a shag, will you stop teasing me?"
"I'm not teasing you," he replied, "I'm just wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."

128
Have you heard about the latest sex position? It's known as 'Rodeo'. All you do is slip your lady a portion from behind, and leaning forward, you whisper quietly in her ear: "Your sister's a better shag than you!"
Then you try to hang on for the full eight seconds!

129
A woman was standing in a crowded lift in a hotel when a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the left tit. The man said,
"I'm terribly sorry about that, but if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." To which the woman replied,
"If you dick is as big and hard as your elbow, then I'm staying in room 87."

130
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
how does your garden grow?
"I live in a flat,
you stupid twat,
so how the fuck would I know!"

131
There was a young actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
"The Bishop was quicker,
and thicker and slicker,
and two inches longer than you."

132
A man was waking along the seafront when he discovered an ice cream shop, advertising that it could supply any flavour of ice cream imaginable. The man decided to test this rather silly sounding claim, and asked for some fanny-flavoured ice cream in a cone. The assistant dutifully presented him with a cone of rather nice looking ice cream, and the man took it and gave it a good long lick. Spitting it out, he said,
"This doesn't taste like fanny, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replied,
"Of course it's going to taste like shit if you take such long licks!"

133
I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
"No," he said, "the steaks are too high."

134
There was a young plumber from Leigh,
who was plumbing his girl with great glee.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said the plumber still plumbing, "It's me"!

135
Why do hippos mate in the water?
Have you ever tried to keep a fanny that big moist?

136
Five men were sitting around the table at a restaurant bragging about who had the largest dick. Finally one guy said,
"I'll settle this. Let's all put our dicks on the table, that will decide it." At about that time two queers walked in and were seated. The waiter asked them,
"would you gentleman like to see a menu?" The queers responded,
"Oh!!! no, no, we'll just have the buffet!"

137
There was a young man from Montrose,
who wanked a lot under the bedclothes.
Whilst making his bed,
his landlady said,
"He's a bugger for blowing his nose."

138
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when suddenly a rooster jumped out of the hedge. There was no way the driver could avoid hitting the bird, and it disappeared under the car in a puff of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell and a farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said,
"I've just killed your rooster, so please allow me to replace him".
"Suit yourself," said the farmer, "You'll find the hens around the back."

139
An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk's hair is dyed green, red, yellow and orange and he has feather earrings in his ears. When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk asks,
"What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" The old guy replies,
"Yeah. I screwed a parrot once, and for a moment there I thought you might have been my kid."

140
A lady while dining at Crewe,
found an elephant's dick in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
Or wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!"

141
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.

142
A man had a habit of letting an enormous fart rip every morning in bed when he first awoke. His wife had put up with this behaviour for many years, but was finally driven to say,
"Bloody hell John, if you keep doing that, one day your guts will come out as well!" The husband laughed at the idea, so that day the wife got hold of some raw kidney and liver and in the evening put the offal in the husband's pants, with the idea that in the morning it would frighten him enough to make him change his habits. He woke up the next morning, farted as usual and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and said,
"Dear, you were right about me farting my guts out but I've managed to get them all back in!"

143
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she started to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "that there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

144
Taff pulled over by the side of the road to show John where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there under that tree," he said, "I remember the day as if it were yesterday. It was a lovely summer's evening and she and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Taff recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said John.
"Yes. It was until I looked up and happened to see her mother standing right there watching us."
"Bloody hell! What did her mother say when she saw you shagging her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."

145
There was an old man of Duluth,
whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose,
and his fingers and toes,
and he came through a hole in his tooth.

146
A man was in a pub when he had to use the toilet. He was in there for a while and much yelling could be heard, so the barmaid reluctantly went to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers." He replied,
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my bollocks!"
"Sir, I suggest you get off the mop bucket."

147
A policeman drove up lovers' lane and saw a car there. He walked up to the car, and saw a girl in the back knitting and a boy in the front reading a book. The policeman asked the boy how old he was and what he was doing there. The boy answered,
"I'm reading a book and I'm 25." Then the cop asked him what the girl was doing and how old she was. The boy replies,
"She's knitting and she'll be 16 in about five minutes."

148
An Irishman managed to get a job as a lighthouse keeper. A couple of days after starting the job he woke in the morning to witness a scene of utter disaster with at least three ships having run aground and in the process of breaking up on the rocks. His boss quickly arrived, and asked what the heck was going on, to which he replied,
"Sorry, but I couldn't sleep with the light on."

149
Police arrested two youths the other day, one was caught drinking battery acid and the other was caught eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

150
A young man with passions quite gingery,
tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind,
and made up his mind,
To add incest to insult and injury.

151
A man went into a shop and asked for a tube of KY jelly.
"I'm sorry sir," replied the assistant, "we don't sell that here. I suggest you try Boots." To which the man replied,
"Boots? I want to slide in, not bloody march in!!"

152
A man went to the doctor and said,
"I've got a huge hole in my ass." The doctor looked at him over the top of his glasses, then said,
"OK, drop your pants, bend over and I'll take a look". The man's anus was indeed greatly enlarged, and rather sore looking, too.
"What on earth has happened to make your ass as big as that?" said the doctor, to which the man replied,
"I've been shagged by an elephant."
"Yes, but an elephant's penis is long and thin, and this hole is enormous."
"Ah yes," replied the man, "but he fingered me first."

153
A young lady was standing outside the gates of Heaven, but was a little disturbed by the horrific screams of pain and agony coming from within. So she turned to St. Peter and asked what was going on. He replied that it was the sound of new angels getting large holes drilled in their backs to enable their wings to be fitted, and small holes being drilled in their heads for their halos. She said to St. Peter,
"Heaven sounds terrible. I think perhaps I'd rather go to Hell." Rather taken aback, St. Peter replied,
"But in Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized for ever!"
"Yes," she said, "but at least I've already got holes for that."

154
A young bull and his father were out for a stroll when they passed a field full of cows.
"Dad, how about if we sneak in there and shag one or two of those cows?"
"Don't be ridiculous, son." said the father. "Let's go in and shag the lot!!"

155
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

156
A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex.
Afterwards, she said "You must be dentist. And a rather good one." He replied,
"How did you know I'm a dentist?" She said,
"I didn't feel a thing."

157
What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynaecologist looks up the family bush.

158
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny replies,
"Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says,
"Of course not Johnny." Johnny replies,
"Then I have definitely shit myself."

159
A bloke walked into a pub the other day with a fried egg on his head.
"Why have you got a fried egg on your head?" asked the barman.
"Because a fucking boiled one keeps rolling off." he replied.

160
A woman goes to her boss and says,
"I want to complain about Perkins. Every day he walks straight up to me, buries his nose in my hair, sniffs deeply and says 'you smell wonderful' ".
Her boss says,
"That sounds like a compliment - whats the problem?"
"But he's only three feet tall....."

161
A nun got into a taxi but noticed that the cab driver wouldn't stop staring at her. She asked him why he was staring and he replies,
   "I have a question to ask you but I'm afraid to in case I offend you."
She answered,
   "My dear son, you can't offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have just about heard and seen everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
   "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responded,
   "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Firstly, are you Catholic and single?"
The cab driver started to get very excited and said,
   "Yes, I'm single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun replied,
   "OK, pull into the next layby"
He did this and the nun obliged him by giving him a blow-job. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started to get very emotional and upset.
   "My dear child, why are you crying?" enquired the nun.
   "Please forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
   "That's OK," said the nun, "my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

162
Two law partners hired a new cute, young secretary and a contest arose between them as to who can bed her first, even though they were both already married. Eventually one of them scored with her and his partner was naturally quite eager to hear how things went.
   "So what did you think of her?" he asked.
   "Ahh," replied the first lawyer, "my wife is better."
Some time went by, and then the second lawyer managed to bed the secretary.
   "So," asked the first guy, "what did you think?"
   The second guy replied, "Yep; You were right."

163
A man was walking along the beach when he tripped over something in the sand. Upon examination, he saw that it was a genie's lamp. He eagerly rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie who said,
   "I am the genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for three thousand years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish."
 
This was a tough one, and the man gave it a lot of thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said,
   "It's been one of my ambitions in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? It's called the Middle East and it's a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money or fame, but I'd really like to use this one wish for peace in the Middle East."
 
The genie looked disappointed. He said,
   "I'm sorry sir, but I can't grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for many thousands of years. The wars go back hundreds of generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area and boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into that part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good. I'm very sorry, but I just can't do that. Do you have another wish?"
 
   "Well," said the man, "If I can't do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men generally: I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I want to use my wish to fully understand women."
The genie replied,
   "Let me see that map again....."

164
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting romantic and they end up in bed. Afterwards, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
 
The old man is thinking,
   "Oh dear, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
 
The old lady is thinking, "Blimey, if I had known he could get a stiffy, I would have taken off my underwear."

165
It seems that most men are in favour of the full-face veil as worn by Muslim women;
It solves once and for all the ancient problem of where to wipe your cock after a blow-job.

166
A beautiful girl went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes,"she replied. "You're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said. "You're checking for any lumps or possible malignancies."
"Correct." replied the doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started humping her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

167
Saturday morning I got up very early, quietly got dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped quietly out into the garage.
I hooked the boat up to the truck and started to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing at 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied,"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

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