Littleton & West Hill Enquirer

So what is this page then ?  It covers those unexplainable or controversial aspects which only have to be vaguely associated with the game.  I don't need to say more, the submissions speak for themselves.

Date : May 2005                                            Submitted By : Webmaster (2)
Assessing the weather - So, we are now 4 weeks into the season, and so far the both teams are undefeated.  As is the norm at this time of year, the Captains upon winning the toss have to assess the impact of potential rain.  Up until now, there has always been the potential for rain.  The Skipper will then discuss at length with experienced colleagues what he should do ?  "Yea, the track looks a belter, we should bat", but someone will always chirp in with "But rain has been forecast, you're far safer batting 2nd".  So what advice should the Skipper listen to.  Well for this season so far, definitely not the Met. Office (or Squirt) !!  In seasons gone by, the Met. Office information was vital in the Skippers decision.  But this season, it has been completely wrong, what chance has the Skipper got ?  Go by his own judgement, or accept the risk that the Met. Office for once get it right ?  Why has it gone so wrong ?  Well that's easy - technology - they installed a new computer system at the end of April, and since then no has had a clue what the real weather will be !!  So who would be a Skipper having to make such an important decision ?  Well, at Littleton & West Hill, it is not a problem because....... ............................THEY ALWAYS LOSE THE TOSS !!!!

 

Date : July 2004                                            Submitted By : Webmaster (2)
Club Success - The weekend of the 10th July 2004 heralded a first in the Clubs history.  Subsequent to the 1st Teams victory over Amesbury and the 2nd Teams annihilation of OT's & Romsey IV they both sat top of their respective Divisions.  The 1st having lost only one match, and the 2nds still remaining undefeated.  This reflects the spirit which has grown in the Club since last season, and as there have been few changes in players, the unity and growing confidence of both teams.  Long may it continue, and lets hope we have two sets of representatives at the Rose Bowl come the end of the season

 

Date : June 2004                                            Submitted By : Andy Clarke
2nd Team Success - Must be that the 2nd team appear to have more available players and that some are being dropped to the 1sts!! .... I've experienced it. "Sorry Andy, we've got 15 in the 2nds this week, you're playing in the 1sts" - I've been told ....
.... And then, thinking that I'd get a game the following week in the first team - I was 4th highest scorer in the 1sts [okay, only just into double figures, but I got more than the regulars] - I never got another game at all!! .... I understand the truth of the matter, was that the captain phoned me at 12.30pm [90 minutes before the game starts] to make sure that I knew that I was playing that afternoon.  You then gave the dick of the day award to Mark Dibben?!! - surely the DOTD was the person who couldn't use a phone or count to 11!! .... And there was me thinking that I'd been dropped for disputing a perfectly clean boundary catch the previous week!! ....

 

Date : May 2004                                            Submitted By : Webmaster (2)
Bully - Imagine the privilege as a 12 year old of being asked to represent the the mens team.  One such youngster from South Wilts had this honour against our 1st team.  In the field he ran his heart out, injured his arm stopping a drive, but seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself.  Then, when the game was as good as lost, he was invited to bat at number 8 to give him a game.  A nice gesture.  The non facing batsmen even had the decency to advise us of his age.  Of course our bowler duly noted this, and would of course ensure the young lad got a 'bit of a game'.  So first ball, full pace, line and length yorker as the poor lad took avoiding action....stumps strewn all over the place.  The poor kid ambled back to the pavilion and was last seen with a few tears running from his eyes.  I have to say, PHIL COOK, shame on you, Dick of the Day was fully deserved.

 

Date : May 2004                                            Submitted By : The New Webmaster
With Thanks - It is a real honour to inherit the management of this website.  My concern is whether I can maintain the quality of submissions from the previous Webmaster ?  My understanding was he was permanently busy, regularly away from home in foreign parts (for the sake of his wife, let me clarify that, countries !), and by all accounts could never have had the time to maintain this site.  So how did he do it ?  He has previously referred to Aliens, was this just a cover to hide his true identity ?  Why the sudden move to the remote expanses of Scotland ?  What is he trying to hide ?  Does anyone care !!!!!!   Steve, enjoy your new life, which ever planet you now live on !

 

Date : September  2003                                       Submitted By : Webmaster
I would like to congratulate the following people for the following awards this season

Alan Zanetti - Most irregular boundary marking.

Peter Arculus - Most Tosses Lost Award plus Worst Sandwich Filling

Paul Anscombe - Best Mohican lookalike

Steve Barrow - Most Useless/Amusing Quotes Award

Dave Guy - Best Player Whilst Hungover

 

Date : September 2003                                       Submitted By : Webmaster
Health Warning - The end of the season is nigh and I have to issue a health warning. Have you checked your box lately? After a whole season of sweating into this vital bit of kit what could be lurking inside that little bit of plastic. Recent surveys have shown that the cricket box can last years and never get a wash down. Talk of Weapons of Mass Destruction, we might be breeding a Mass Destruction of the Weapon device. Wash yours now !!

 

Date : August 2003                                       Submitted By : Webmaster
Old Age - I discovered this weekend what a fat unfit bastard I really am. I began to take things personally when all the balls were hit in my direction and I had to retrieve them from the boundary. All this while the rest of the team stood there silently sniggering to themselves. Then I had to bowl 10 overs, stand and umpire for 30 overs and then had to get 22 off 10 balls. Needles to say I failed (again) on that task. This reporter is now on holiday recovering with the good book and a daily rub down with the Daily Sport (having read the in depth news first!!).

 

Date : August 2003                                       Submitted By : Webmaster
Dedication - this paper has to question today the dedication being shown by some players. One has recently got married and then refused to play in the afternoon and we hear today that our own equivalent to Warne Shane(?) has broken his shoulder. I am sure that with a good poultice and painkillers he could play this Saturday, but watch this space. I bet he cries off. Not only that, he has got one of those big car thingy's that can carry a small village - who's going to drive now? Questions will have to be asked.

 

Date : August 2003                                       Submitted By : Webmaster
More foreigners - Another addition to our team of late has been "Rav" a tremendous superstar all the way from Bangladesh (via Canterbury). I would like to personally thank him for reducing the average age of the second team and actually look like someone who has got a pulse. Also, this further adds to the tea situation, we can now add Samosa's to the menu. We know have a varied selection from around the world hopefully building up to a franchise situation whereby we can spread out the international flavour to other clubs. Another bonus with the Greek representative is that we don't have any crockery to clean up afterwards, though the bill for new stuff each time does slightly outweigh the advantages!

 

Date : July 2003                                           Submitted By : Webmaster
Foreigners ? - We are also looking for a more European theme to our team as we currently have players of British, Greek and Italian origin and we would like a bigger choice to present a national costume theme at the local Littleton and Harestock show, leading to a Morris Dancing style exhibition at fetes etc. Watching the "Greek" representative batting, we have found the choreographer for this. Another spin-off could be more interesting teas! Perhaps a ladies Swedish team could be formed (ooops there are those Hamburg memories again).

Soon to come - pictures of a stag night in Amsterdam. watch this space.

 

Date : July 2003                                           Submitted By : Webmaster
Where is the Alien ? - There was a noticeable missing link in the second team this weekend when our suspect alien was not available for play. Whether this column had alerted his intergalactic bosses or any other dark murky secret is the answer, we say in this column "Please come back". It is wrong that we drive your sorts out, indeed we now have volunteers for the anal probe mentioned in the previous article. If you don't come back who is going to make these people happy? I can guess and I can tell you I am not looking forward to it, as my naval days are over (so I thought).

 

Date : June 2003                                           Submitted By : Webmaster
Inside the 1st Team - Your intrepid reporter this Saturday pretended to be a batsman in an effort to see inside the murky underworld of the First Team. What was seen was enough to turn my stomach. After all the advice in the teas section, the unspeakable happened - rolls were produced and not sandwiches. People also walked around with no shirts on in an obviously brazen display of chest beating. Luckily they blended in with the sight screen so were not always visible. Another batsman also deliberately got caught out to avoid buying the drinks, as he had almost reached his 50. People would also take their clothes off before showering and openly walk around - is this a way to set an example as the open display of flesh started to remind me of that time in Hamburg....(ooops back to the story). It was a disturbing day which will haunt me for a while. I can only hope that things improve if they want this batsmen to flail his bat once more!!!!

 

Date : June 2003                                           Submitted By : Webmaster
Opening batsman is an Alien - These are the startling revelations being banded around today after a certain opening batsman survived all 42 overs in the searing heat of a Hampshire cricket pitch. Witnesses stated that it was not humanly possible to survive that long and still only score a few more runs than he had overs. Names will be changed to protect his identity, we will call him Derek. He was later spotted having a drink with the first team obviously gathering information for some sort of invasion. Further evidence was provided when he managed to down some warm English beer and still smile - you tell me if he is human!

 

Date : June 2003                                           Submitted By : Webmaster
Are women bad for you?  One of the star opening batsmen for the first team recently got married and his form suffered. He is recognised as someone who can usually last a couple of overs but even this had become difficult of late.

The question is - do women sap the strength from our very being ? Since marriage he has had 3 ducks, which even for him is a bit much. No medical tests have been carried out but many rumours are abound over the problems of being with a female. Is celibacy the answer, should we all live in a commune for the season?

Having acclimatised to the married institution (who wants to live in an institution?) he has gone on to score a ton.

I will leave the question open about the other gender but it is a problem that will not go away (unless you're happy with a pair of marigolds). Is cricket more important - you answer?

Names have been left out to protect the innocent!!!