1st Eleven Captain's Reports

You may be asking, what is the difference between these, and the normal match report ?  Well firstly, the normal match report contains the truth, and is generally a true reflection of events.  These reports as submitted by our illustrious 1st Team Captain,   Paul 'Ian Hislop' Anscombe may show a different perspective on the days events.  They will often portray individuals in a different light, and also on occasions highlight the Captains own deluded view of himself.

The Webmaster has made no contribution to these reports with one exception.  Editorial prowess has been used to omit certain statements or comments which could leave us fighting criminal proceedings at the Old Bailey alongside Private Eye.

There is no intent in these reports to cause offence, so my apologies in advance if any is taken.

7th August 2004                BROUGHTON       Home

With more great sunshine and boiling temperatures, yes you guessed it I lost the toss again!! With 3 consecutive boundaries coming from Mark’s first over, people fought over the fielding positions in the shade as a long afternoon in the sun beckoned!  However Cookie got the key wicket of Bussey, bowled for 12, as he claimed the first of his 5 wicket haul for the afternoon. The visitors were obviously playing Nige on reputation with his first 4 overs being seen off as maidens! How Dibben Jnr actually managed to bowl so well without thinking about , and pissing himself with laughter, at Dibben Intermediate is unknown. Mark had just previously taken the law into his own hands in removing some unwanted troublemakers from behind the bowlers arm! Not actually realising that this may work to his advantage, Mark strode purposely towards the boundaries edge having once asked them nicely, a barrage of abuse then followed!! After a bit of backchat a fiery Mark then punctured the kid’s stablelisers on the youngsters bmx with his spikes!  In return the kid went off to get his older, bigger brother, who must have been at least 4’4" and 8 years old. At this point Mark was heard to be saying ‘Bugger this, I’m not taking on two of them!’ and quickly returned to his bowling. Somehow the rest of the team maintained their concentration to limit the visitors to 85 all out.

The chase proved less than a challenge to both Dave and Nige. Dave seemed quite content to watch from the far end and reject any singles while  Nige took a peppering of short stuff from Bussey! Nige saw this threat off as easily as asking a couple of young kids to move from behind the bowlers arm for a patient unbeaten 25, and Dave struck a second consecutive fifty with the winning runs!! Another maximum pointer claimed as with three games to go the championship race hots up!!

31st July 2004                    ANDOVER IV        Away

Well with the temperatures in the high 80’s and the wicket about as flat as the M25 it was bloody obvious that I would lose my first toss of the season!! Crossy’s attempts to get me to change my usually victorious call were ignored (purely because I don’t think I could have taken the abuse and fines that would have followed if I had changed my call to tails and it come down a head!) Andover set off at a pace taking 40 from the first 7 overs! On a ground which was really either 1 or a boundary Nige took over the opening bowling duties from his brother (who had some poor excuse of moving house of something!) Cookie got the opening breakthrough caught in a strengthen slip cordon with me moving from mid-on and Colin returning from tending to his temperamental car alarm!  The majority of Andover batsmen got starts but didn’t really go on, Cookie got 3, I scraped 5 and along with Rob’s direct hit from square leg for a run out, Colin claimed one in his returning spell. 186 all out with one ball remaining was probably a few less than the hosts had hoped for. However, in return Nige fell early (are the pressures of naming the fantasy football super league after himself getting to the once batsman now star all rounder!!) There were jubilant scenes as Rob saw off the first ball for a single and looked back to form until they brought the spinners on and Rob suddenly thought he was playing French Cricket in the back garden!! Pete and Crossy both chipped in and supported Dave who made a faultless 57 (oh, other than the 7 times he was dropped!!) With 80 odd scored in the last 8 overs, Cookie hit the winning runs with 3 overs to go, to claim the much needed 24 points. Cheers to Rich and Woodsie who came in at the last minute and raised the standards in the field.

24th July 2004                  WHERWELL         Home

Looking for a positive response from last weeks less than convincing display, I totally ignored Squirt's pre-toss advice and having been successful chose to have to bat as usual! With hardly a cloud in the sky it looked a perfect track to build a big total on. However, at 36 for 6 the ‘Anscombe Out' campaigners looked to have a more than fair point!!  As I took to the wicket not only did I have to contend with the oppositions bowling but the curse that had struck those who had previously warmed up in the net! Both Rob and Phil had a knock in the net only to last a combined two balls between them! I managed to battle against my own bad form and the net curse too, along with Steve Fenner and Mark to get the total to 126, including taking 27 off the final two overs.  This included a textbook shot (duck to avoid the beamer, get a top edge and see it sail over the 'keeper) for 6 from the last ball!

In response openers Mark and Hugh took a wicket apiece to leave Wherwell at 6-2 and both openers back in the hutch. Hugh ended with 3-24 and Cookies usual excellent stuff returned 4-16. Golden gloves Bayless made three catches look simple as usual, as our visitors were bowled out for 104. A victory that shows the strength of potential champions? Winning when not playing that well! Today saw potentially the last appearance of the season for Hugh. If he survives nuclear attack in New York,  Hugh will then spend the rest of the summer skiing in Nottingham!! The weird and wonderful world of our opening bowler!

17th July 2004                HURSTBOURNE PRIORS     Away

To been perfectly honest after weeks of therapy I have finally managed to block the majority of the days proceedings from my memory!  However, I managed to keep hold of a few mental notes: Never listen to Squirt after winning the toss!, Don’t let me bowl on a small ground when their big hitters were in! (actually, I just shouldn’t have bowled!! End of story!).   Don’t let Nige get out first ball of the innings! Can Pete bat more than once, as his 56 was the only score above 20! The press were left waiting from almost an hour for interviews as management gave the team a 60 minute ear bashing in a locked changing room!  Training sessions were doubled that week in a bid to return to winning ways.  The day hit an all time low as there was no karaoke back at the pub!! Last years viewing of the Hurstbourne’s version of pop idol had brought so much laughter to all!!

10th July 2004              AMESBURY        Home

With the traditional dodgy English summer really kicking in as we reached mid July, the decision was taken to have a bowl after yet another won toss!  Short of both Cookie and Hugh, Mark and Darren ‘2 consecutive games’ Sturt bowled with a combination of skill and aggression and at 47 for 5 with their number 7 walking in wearing tracksuit bottoms confidence was high with comments of ‘do you reckon he actually plays cricket’ and ‘lets skittle them now’ bouncing round the huddle. Well, half an hour later and nearing his 50 we were scraping the bottom of the rulebook to see if we could have him out for incorrect dress!  Darren finally got him for 45 and after 3-21 from Nige ‘helmets please’ Dibben, the visitors were restricted to 121. In reply, Dave and Nige started well putting on an opening 75 before Dave fell, and Rob entered maintaining the high standard of consistency highlighted this season! So with Pete replacing Rob a ball later he helped Nige get us beyond the rain affected total of 94.  Back on the winning track after a few cricketless weeks due to weather, all that was left to get a few beers in and quickly take your ringside seats for the eagerly awaited match up between Littleton’s very own ‘Rocky’ Darren and his newly found 'friend' from Amesbury!!

3rd July 2004              COLDEN COMMON       Away

We travelled the fortunately short journey to Common on one of those days where there seems hundreds of things you would be rather doing than standing in a field being battered by gales and storms!  Another toss won, although the toss procedures were briefly paused by a phone call from a certain Mr H Baker who was wondering where the changing rooms were in the horse riding centre, having driven straight past the ground 50 yards before on his left!  So we took to the field and started well, early wickets from Mark and Hugh left the hosts at 8-2 and with Squirt catching everything in the presence of the Chronicle snappers, the storms held off long enough for Nige to get no balled for BOUNCERS, and the returning Darren Sturt to get back in the swing of things with 1-30 from 9. Having been off and on a few times and an early tea taken the weather finally won the day with Common at a wobbly 111-7 from 35 overs. We returned to the pavilion to laugh at the scorecard on the wall highlighting the Twyford captains decision to put Common in a few years back! I wonder at which stage of 403 for 3 he thought ‘oh shit’!  Unfortunately the club BBQ back at HQ left one Common player almost in tears as none of us would go back to the pub with him! Cheers to Pete for the BBQ and chef Fenner Snr for some beautifully ‘well done’ sausages!

19th June 2004           STEEPLE LANGFORD     Home

Our second home game in a row, saw us bidding to collect our 6^th consecutive win on the spin! Another won toss, saw Dave take to the field with pinch-hitting opening partner Nige Dibben Jnr, obviously had better places to be, dominating the opening stand of 37 with some aggressive boundary bashing.  After such an unusual and high scoring start the wickets began to tumble. Opener Miles figures of 12-4-26-2 were looking even better until Dave took a fancy to his final over and slammed 11 mainly back over the sight-screen. The bowler could then be heard moaning about how the afternoons events would negatively affect his average.   Looks possible he is the latest club cricketer to read the new bestseller ‘How to achieve your perfect average’ by a certain N.L Dibben! As all of us bar Dave continued swift returns to the pavilion, the tail finally saw Dave through to his ton with 2 overs to spare.   A second century in two seasons against today's visitors, maintained Mr Guy’s popularity in Steeple Langford.  

The tea interval saw the breakdown of the Cookie to Nige, the Chris Kirkland deal!! Sainsbury’s decision to go 2 for 1 on England coins resulted in Nige splashing out all this weeks pocket money on 114 packs (possibly why subs weren’t paid?!).  Kirkland finally appeared to Nige’s relief in the 94^th pack, although what he’s going to do with the 402 Emile Heskey swapsies is open to suggestions!!

The break also saw some ugly scenes, with behaviour better suited to outside the kebab house on a Saturday night! At least 3 (sometimes 4) girls, roughly aged between 5-7, broke through security and ran all over the wicket, knocking over stumps and generally causing chaos! Luckily for them, Head of Pitch Security AJ was working with the 2nds this week!

12th June 2004           BURGHCLERE       Home

The second match up with Burghclere in the week proved slightly more eventful than the previous weeks encounter.  The match was late starting on police advice, as the reported four and a half thousand travelling fans packed their way into the ground.  Another week, another toss won!   So as usual we had a bat however, at 3-2 and both openers,  Nige and Rob back in the shed, the skippers judgement was no doubt being privately slated by team mates.  However, the middle order all chipped in with Pete top scoring with 39.  This momentarily silenced the travelling support, allowing Cookie and Nige time and silence to strike a deal for the services of Cookie’s Chris Kirkland coin!  The deal was reported to have broken down late last night, as to be reported in Sundays tabloids.  Phil is believed to be holding out for more than the 39 swapsies a desperate Nige was offering in return for Liverpool’s injured keeper who didn’t actually make the squad!  With the sun out and a packed Littleton looking a picture, it seemed the ideal time for Andy ‘paparazzi’ Walker to get some great action shots. However, some twat is believed to have taken the keys to the cupboard where the camera was stored out to bat with him.  No names mentioned !  With no photos to be taken, Squirt occupied his time with a little sweet loving. Crushing the reports that romance is dead, Squirt fought off competition from a less keen Dave to escort the bowls club ‘pin up’ for a quiet drink in the bar.  Having actually opened the bar purely for this blond bombshell they spent the remainder of our innings whispering sweet nothings to each other.  Squirt is now the envy of the male bowls players as the majority of them have been trying to nail her for years! Squirt did however deny he was quitting cricket for bowls in a statement released on the clubs website last night.

Briefly back to the cricket and after my inspired motivational team talk in the bogs, the Big 3 ripped through the Burghclere top order.  Only skipper Martin showing any resistance with 27 before he nicked a bouncing turner from me, as he attempted to launch me into Harestock again! ‘Golden Gloves’ Pete held on, and the tail once more proved beneficial to Cookies average. Having shot the league leaders out for 74 and another impressive win, the fines were remarkably high.  Romeo secured Champagne Moment for obvious reasons,  and Hugh’s feat of being bowled walking down the track to a 14 year old and his hopeless attempts of sledging from fine leg (Strike 4!!!) not to mention his Lord of the Dance appeal, had no argument as Dick of the Day came his way.  Must give a mention to AJ and Colin for umpiring and come on Switzerland in Euro 2004, bloody Sweepstake!!!

5th June 2004         TRI-ANGULAR SERIES            Away

This week we were lucky enough to receive an invitation from the league to play in a three team tri-angular tournament, involving our good selves, Donnington and Burghclere. Having battled the traffic on the A34, (believed to have been caused by the mass of fans travelling up from Littleton),  the first game saw us take on Burghclere in what to be honest proved to be a rather uneventful encounter! Our pre-season fitness work was to be tested as we headed across Newbury for our second game of the day. It was not only our fitness that was to be tested, it was also our navigational skills as we attempted to find the next ground! Crossy and Steve had a lovely afternoon seeing the sights of Donnington Castle, while we got a sarcastic ‘well its not up there!’ from a more than helpful local.  The game finally got going with Nige starting in an unfamiliar aggressive mode. However, wickets continued to fall at the other end until Cookie joined ‘Athers’ to put on 95 for the 5^th wicket. Fatigue finally got the better of Nige as he fell for an impressive 85. The final four wickets were all victims of run outs in a largely comical bid to reach 200 once more! Donnington’s innings began with the returning Hugh Baker brought back to get wickets and not just to boost the fines totals. The ‘Big 3’ of Mark, Cookie and big Trisha fan Hugh bowled well and with Pete catching everything behind the stumps, wickets continually fell. However, opener Lawrence defied the Big 3 as things got a bit hairy and they put on over 50 for the 8^th wicket.  Mark returned to claim three late wickets and left the opener to carry his bat for 86 and to claim a 20 run victory. The long journey home was spent listening to Mark’s totally irrelevant film reviews and his plans for next Saturdays night out with Mr Gay UK!  Very suspect! More news to follow on that revelation as we get it.

29th May 2004            SOUTH WILTS IV           Home

Having recorded our first win last week, we looked to maintain momentum as we batted first against our visitors from Wiltshire. Having lost Rob first ball and the chance of rain looking ever likely, my decision to bat first seemed an ideal case for Dick of the Day! However, my confidence in my men was rewarded with 36 from Nige, a big hitting 53 from Dave and 30’s from myself and the returning Steve Cross, saw us reach the 200 mark against our rather chirpy and youthful visitors.  An opening stand of 64 was a positive start for South Wilts, although broken when I whipped out my top spinner and the opener kindly top edged it straight to Dave. The introduction of Nige ‘Mark Ealham’ Dibben once more proved fruitful, taking the wicket of their talkative and chirpy number 4! Perhaps he should spend less time giving me catching practice at slip and more time shutting up!  Needless to say a few words were said as he began his sharpish return to the pavilion. Once Cookie got their other opener for an excellent 86, Ravi took three wickets as we limited Wilts to 148, to claim our second win on the bounce, and keep sprints high.  A few of us made our way to Cardiff to the watch the mighty Brighton secure a place in Div 1 thanks to super Leon ‘odd ball’ Knights 84^th minute pen. Marvellous scenes!!  

22nd May 2004            COMPTON & CHANDLERS FORD II        Away

We returned to the scene of one of last seasons major cock ups in search of our opening win of the campaign.  After having won the toss, we looked to post a big total on a rather good batting track. However, the opening hour or so was hard to get set for the top order, not due to tight bowling but Squirts one man mission to run everyone out, although, a solid 40 strengthened his bid to avoid the Dick of the Day accolade. A further run out broke the tenth wicket stand of Mark and stand in AJ. The loss of Mark left AJ stranded who was rumoured to be seeing it like a football as he left the field with an average boosting 4 not out! So defending what seemed a below par 158 on a good track, my introduction of the sports nutritionist during the weeks build up seemed to have played off.  Mark somehow bowled 12 overs straight through, taking two key wickets. The new highly scientific, mainly liquid based diet, of quadruple vodkas and red bull from the night before assisted Mark in returning to his unplayable best! However, Marks efforts for his two wickets were overshadowed by an alcohol fuelled 4 for 26 by his little brother!  Having seemingly cracked the batting side of the game last year. Dibben Jnr appears now to have taken a shine to 12 overs of nagging medium pacers. With Cookie his usual economical self (8-5-4-1) we restricted our promotion challenging hosts to a weak 101 for 7! God its more fun when you win!

15th May 2004             DINTON            Home   

The first home fixture of the year provided the long suffering Littleton die-hards a chance to catch a glimpse of their 2004 ‘Dream Team’. However, after losing the toss the day just got continually worse!  Dinton ‘one man team’ Cricket Club posted 188, with their opener getting 81 and the next top score 19!  So with us kind hearted folks, feeling sorry for the other batsman we throw down a rather generous 34 wides to boost their score. When bowling, their opening bat then ripped through our normally water tight middle order to take three key wickets to add to his 81. Now in my book that’s just showing off! No one likes a show off  (I think we all now know how most teams feel about Cookie!!) Only Pete and Ben climbed aboard the showboat with some great six hitting to save our blushes. Following this truly shocking day our odds had lengthened from 3/1 joint favourites to a dismal 275/1 outsiders with most major bookmakers. 

 8th May 2004              LECKFORD II        Away

The opening game of another season was upon us and the usual panic to get eleven players, find out where we are going and remembering how to hold a bat and bowl vaguely straight were all as stressful as I recalled.   However, with the big game preparations intensifying a few of the squad made the trip to Warwick for a night out away from the eagle-eyed paparazzi of the Chronicle to celebrate Nige’s girlfriends 21^st! A big night out was had by all only to be slightly ruined by the constant ‘is it really them!’ and girls asking ‘how did it feel to top the averages with a highest score lower than your average?!’ and ‘didn’t you hit 86 and take 4-12 against Dinton last season?!’

However, the morning was greeted with steaming hangovers and constant drizzle, which resulted in the game finally being called off as we were just passing Oxford!  The lack of a game also saved Nige from Dick of the Day for taking out half his girlfriend’s kitchen and most of us in it, while trying be the tough guy opening the champagne!  An all-round successful start to the 2004 season!