Washington 10th January 2006
A Virginia court today ruled that as vibration can cause sexual arousal it should be strictly controlled. Taking the advice of expert witnesses, especially flown in from MIT and St. Joseph's School for Boys, Plainview, Minnesota, Judge Maria Whitehome made the ruling while deliberating on the case of Miss Traisee Gurbage against Chronic, the almost unknown Death Metal rock group.
Judge Whitehome declared that "Since we have been told, by expert witnesses, that it was the vibrations produced by Chronic's music which encited the sexual arousal in Mr John-Jo Pantz, which in tern resulted in the inappropriate behaviour which has brought us all to this court, I feel it is my responsibility to ensure the safety of all young girls in America and wipe out the evil influence of vibrations."
In an unprecedented plea, witness Professor Julian Juliano of MIT begged her honour to consider the wider implications of her ruling. Judge Whitehome, however, insisted that all vibration, and anything that causes vibration must be stopped.
Amnesty International are believed to be preparing a submission to the Supreme Court to over-rule the decision, however they have been hampered by an injunction against the vibrations they make when speaking and so far have been unable to get past the doorman at Capitol Building.