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Because you aimed for the real thing...and missed.            Last update: 11th May 2006

Headline News
Growth of trees blamed on God

London 11th May 2006
The propagation of trees and plants which has formerly been attributed to Mother earth has now been blamed on God, according to our Washington correspondent. Whilst plantlife has generally been considered benign, concern has grown about their constant depredation of the earth's ability to support more concrete, seemingly essential to man's survival on the planet.

The passing of the blame onto God is said to have caused some disquiet amongst Vatican circles, although no-one knows why because they have less to do with God than almost anyone else we know.

Although the American president has not commented yet, it is thought that George Bush has asked his advisors and senior military personnel to come up with a plan to invade heaven and stop "them damned angels" as he was heard to refer to officials of the dieties heavenly staff as.


Alternative Appendix can't be arsed

London 6th March 2006
Shockwaves have been spreading though the world of the internet as users have been realising that Dave Benton, creator of the amazing Appendix series of websites just can't be arsed to keep them up to date.

"It's a terrible tragedy," said one commentator today "but then, I can hardly be bothered reading the sites anyway, so frankly, I don't care." he continued.

One theory as to why this has happened is rumoured to be Benton's interest in building a Flash website for his alter ego David Einstein. That site is located at: Einstein's rubbish site and has been outlawed by many public authorities for it's excessive use of the word "just", and unnecessary spelling mistakes. However, no one is certain whether any of this is true, relevent or interesting to anyone, anything, or at all.
The same has been said of both Benton's alter ego, Einstein, and himself.
By him. And often.


AI development halted as computer tells scientists to piss off

London 30th January 2006
Treasury department officials have withdrawn funding for a secret scientific project aimed at developing artificial intelligence. The decision was made after top officers visited the secret location to assess progress. It seems they were introduced to the machine, nick-named "Deep Fraught", which promptly told them to piss off and leave it alone.
Reports suggest that the the machine has not communicated with anyone since. Workers on the project were said to be reluctant to turn off the power in case it decided to tell someone what was wrong.

An expert in psychology was brought in to try and encourage Deep Fraught out of it's self-induced torpor, but the attempt failed and Treasury executives finally made the drastic decision yesterday.

"We tried to give the machine a balanced view of the world when we programmed it," said one spokesperson for the scientific community,"but we found it hard to find an appropriate one, so we went with one we had lying around. It obviously wasn't good enough."

Britains to sue for civil rights

London 12th January 2006
A group of hetrosexuals based in London have approached the European court of human rights to press for the rights to Civil Partnership in line with those given to the gay and lesbian community.
A husband told the Appendix today that he was worried that by leaving the hetrosexual community out of this legislation government was denying him the legal right to a Civil Partnership. "Now I will have to make do with marriage, instead. And let me tell you frankly, that is neither civil or a partnership."


Vibrations cause sex - judgement

Washington 10th January 2006
A Virginia court today ruled that as vibration can cause sexual arousal it should be strictly controlled. Taking the advice of expert witnesses, especially flown in from MIT and St. Joseph's School for Boys, Plainview, Minnesota, Judge Maria Whitehome made the ruling while deliberating on the case of Miss Traisee Gurbage against Chronic, the almost unknown Death Metal rock group.
Judge Whitehome declared that "Since we have been told, by expert witnesses, that it was the vibrations produced by Chronic's music which encited the sexual arousal in Mr John-Jo Pantz, which in tern resulted in the inappropriate behaviour which has brought us all to this court, I feel it is my responsibility to ensure the safety of all young girls in America and wipe out the evil influence of vibrations."

In an unprecedented plea, witness Professor Julian Juliano of MIT begged her honour to consider the wider implications of her ruling. Judge Whitehome, however, insisted that all vibration, and anything that causes vibration must be stopped.
Amnesty International are believed to be preparing a submission to the Supreme Court to over-rule the decision, however they have been hampered by an injunction against the vibrations they make when speaking and so far have been unable to get past the doorman at Capitol Building.

God says Shut up USA

Washington 3rd January 2006
To a stunned press conference today, the self titled Prophet Josia Tannenbaum, announced that God is telling America to "shut up".
Prophet Josia Tannenbaum called the press conference to advise America and all Americans that God had been in contact with him and told him that She did not intend to bless America, however many times they asked her too. According to her prophet Josia, she then added that that they should "shut the f**k up and leave her in peace".

Whilst it has long been thought that the USA might be an almighty irritation to the devine being, this is the first time she has addressed the question directly, and the explicit quality of her comments have left the White House administration stunned into silence on the subject.
Prophet Josia commented later that this was probably exactly the effect intended and God would probably take the opportunity to go on holiday with her long term partner Ruth.
editorial blog
16th May 2006
Deja Vu, Deja Dig
As reported on 13th january they dig up a little corner of the street across the road from me every now and again. This again was this morning. That's just four months from when they last did it. So I look forward to seeing them again in September. But hey, who knows , it could be next week. Such fun.

(Deja Vu, Deja Dig - I like that. Think I'll adopt it as my slogan!)

25th January 2006
Disappointment ahead
Somehow, I just knew that the link on the BBC's website to view George Galloway's eviction from the Big Brother house would yield disappointment. You'd expect boos and shouts, but what you really want when the words eviction and Galloway come up in the same sentence are bailiffs, trucheons and one of those dark blue vans with little windows with bars over them.
Oh well, I still have my dreams.

21st January 2006
Yep, really needed that
Today The Guardian carried an article on the northern bottle nosed whale that's been meandering up the Thames. I was happy to read about it. It's curious, fascinating and whilst it's probably not a happy experience for the whale there is something wonderful about it.
However, what I found really odd was the inclusion of a map showing the route of the whale.
I'm sorry, but if you swim up the Thames as far as Chelsea Bridge, that is your route. It really doesn't need a map. If you took any other route you wouldn't be swimming up the Thames and a map might be interesting.
There are only three things you can do with the wiggly line that is the Thames - swim up it, down it or off it. First two options - no map needed.

13th January 2006
Dig it man, dig it
This morning they dug up the pavement across the road from me. Again.
This little patch of Hackney's earth gets dug up regularly. I'd guess about every three months or so. I can only wonder why.
Perhaps it's a training exercise. Perhaps it's simply that they keep getting it wrong (or incompetance, as I call it). Perhaps it's the bad joke of a petty manager.
Whatever the reason, I can't imagine it's good enough to justify wasting the time and the money.
Especially when there's so much in Hackney that really needs to be done.

3rd January 2006
The music of Santa Josephina
A friend of mine has just returned from a year studying anthropology in the islands of the Indian Ocean.
On one especially remote island he discovered a people whose lineage included surprisingly peculiar bloodlines derived from assorted travellers who got lost on the way and landed up on the small island of Santa Josephina.
My friend is not a musician, but was nevertheless fascinated by what seemed to him, and me a quite unique flavour to their music.
He made one or two recordings, and here's one of them:
Innocence - 1.5mb