Operation
Dear
Sir,
Re: Vasectomy Operation
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous,
and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children, I have come to the
conclusion that contraceptives and totally useless.
After getting married, I was told to use the "Rhythm Method". Despite
trying the Tango and Samba, my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing
the Cha-Cha-Cha- apart from which, where does one get a band at 5 o'clock in
the morning?
A Doctor suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the
in-laws and had to wait 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty.
Needless to say this didn't work either.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast-feeding
we would be all right. It's hardly "Newcastle Brown" but I did finish
up with a clear skin, silky hair and my wife pregnant. Another old wives tale
was if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse, this would prevent
pregnancy. After constant breast feeding from my earlier attempt, if my wife
did this, she would end up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself
unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the "Sheath" and the chemist demonstrated how
easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did
not surprise me, as I fail to see how a durex stretched over the thumb as the
chemist showed me, can prevent babies.
The wife was supplied with the coil, and after several unsuccessful attempts to
fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread, and my wife is definitely
right hand screw.
The "Dutch Cap" came next, we were very hopeful of this as it did not
interfere with our sex life at all, but alas, it did give my wife a severe
headache. We were given the largest size available, but it was too tight across
her forehead.
Finally, we tried the "Pill". At first it kept falling out. Then we
realised we were doing it wrong. The wife then started putting it between her
knees, thus preventing me get anywhere near her. This did work for a while,
until the night she forgot the pill.
You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful, I will have
to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never be a substitute
for the real thing.
Yours faithfully
Paddy Fafferty
Timmy goes to confession;
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration."You're a steadfast lad, Timmy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at
the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrives and bets
£20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She says... "I hope you don't mind, but I feel
much luckier when I'm completely nude!"
With that, she strips naked, rolls the dice and yells
"Come on baby, Mama needs new cloths!"
As the dice comes to a stop she jumps up and down and
squeals.... " YES! YES! I WON I WON!"
She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings
(and her clothes) and quickly departs.
The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded!
Finally one of them asks.... " What did she roll?" the other answers
" I don't know...... I thought you were watching!"
The moral of the story........
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!
Beckham Transfer Shock !!
In a shock
move today, Real Madrid's English hero, David Beckham turned down a move to
North East underdogs Newcastle United. A fee of £8 million was agreed for the
former Manchester United man, but Beckham was reported to have said there was
no way he could leave Real for Newcastle after what the Toon Army had done to
Thailand and surrounding area.
Fishing rod
A woman goes into
Harrods to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it
makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-lb.Test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind
salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is
£11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
The
Misunderstanding...
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family.
On the day
the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm
off. The man should be here soon".
Half an
hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh,
no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in
"Really?"
the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."
"That's
what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a
moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
Photographer
- "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too... you can really spread out!"
Wife -
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."
Photographer
- "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
Wife -
"My, my, that's a lot of..."
Photographer
- "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
Wife
(muttering)- "Don't I know it,"
The
photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
Photographer
- "This was done on the top of a bus."
Wife -
"Oh my god!!"
Photographer
- "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
Wife -
"She was difficult?"
Photographer
- "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."
Wife -
"Four and five deep?" (Eyes widened in amazement)
Photographer
- "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly
squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached
and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just packed it all in."
Wife
(leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your
um...equipment?"
Photographer
- "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work"
Wife -
"Tripod??
Photographer
- "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? ...
.. Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Bargain Air - Departure
The cabin door opens.
Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and
the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter
the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some Sign that
this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane Moves faster and faster down the runway, and the
people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked
screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts Smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon
all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the Plane is in
good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late and
we're all going to die."
A steel horse he rides
David
Beckham decides to go horse riding.
Although he
has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in
complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly
watches her husband.
After a
short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the
saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria
starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this
time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the
ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.
David
decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has
become entangled in one of the stirrups.
As the
horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping
into unconsciousness.
Victoria is
now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!
Hearing the
screams the Tesco's security guard runs out and unplugs the horse!!
A love story...
A little old couple
walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there
that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the
admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for
60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no
hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in
front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and
neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the
drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. -
"They were used to sharing everything."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the
drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered,
"The teeth."
Atheist
He looked
over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled
over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him
with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that
instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear
froze.
The forest
was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny
my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even
credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you
make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds
of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed
his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive
from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
How to shower like
a woman:
Get in shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.
Wash hair once with
cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to
make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with
grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair
for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed
apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of
body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet
surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out off shower.
Dry with towel the
size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super
absorbent towel.
Check entire body for
spots, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom
wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband
along the way, cover any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like
A Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willie at her making woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique
in the mirror.
Admire size of your
willie and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your
nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Make fart noises (real
or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time
washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt leaving
those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair.
Make shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out
of shower.
Partially dry-off.
Fail to
notice water on floor.
Admire willie size in
mirror again.
Leave shower door
open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with
towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull
off towel, shake willie at her and make woo-hoo noise again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Thursday 11th November 2004.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I
thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed,
and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in;
he hesitated, but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just
half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to
bed.
I put my arms around him and told him I that I loved him deeply.
He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when
we made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think
that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.
BLOKES DIARY
Thursday 11th November 2004
Rangers lost last night.
Gutted.
Got a shag though.
A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly
throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
from the same one twice.
An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks
his camel beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to
make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass
twice either!
A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his
Miller Lite and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his M-9
Beretta and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.
He says "In America we have so many
Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
GOD BLESS THE USA!!
An Irish daughter had
not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this
time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how
you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you
put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat,
title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for
£5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the
spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
lifetime membership to the Country Club... (Takes a breath)...an invitation for
you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! .. Sniff,
sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said
"a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
Clocks
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those
clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move”.
Oh, said the man, “whose clock is that?”
”That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never
told a lie”.
”Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded: “That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life”.
Looking around, the man asked; “where's George Bush's clock?”
”Bush's clock is in Jesus' office; He's using it as a ceiling fan.”
There's a Scotsman
driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in the opposite direction,
it’s the middle of the night with no other cars on the road.
They hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different
directions. The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and survey the
damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Jesus, I am really lucky
> to be alive!" Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and
looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived
this wreck!"
The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and says, "You know, I think
this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live
as friends instead of such rivals." The Scotsman thinks for a moment and
says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm
going to see what else survived the wreck.
So, the Scotsman pops open his boot and finds a full-unopened bottle of Whisky.
He says to the English fella, I think this is another sign from God that we
toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Englishman says,
"You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down
the Whisky.
After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it
back to the Scotsman and says, "Your turn!" The Scotsman twists the cap
back on the bottle and says,
"Nahh, I think I'll wait for the police to show
There is a factory in America, which makes the
Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the
arm.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo
factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open
the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and
the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see
this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up
that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really
beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee
surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge
bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a
little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew
the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls
himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely
able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the
instructions I gave you yesterday".
"Your job is to give Elmo two test
tickles".
Who Said Men Aren't Sensitive?
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up
leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly
teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.
Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes
off and make hot steamy love.
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they
are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it for you? "
The guy yawns and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.
The truth about Haynes
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer counter
clockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox...
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...
Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: "OK - that's the glass part off, now use some good pliers to
dig out the base...
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are
throbbing...
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two-spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny,
little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo
underground.
Haynes: Three-spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw
at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for while
muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, as I thought,
it's broke!"
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once
that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel
deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your toolbox isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!