Baglan Community Church Humour

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. 
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." 
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. 
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." 
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a
full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream: "Old Woman, I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The woman smiled and replied, "Cracked Pot, did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on Perfect Pot's side? I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them." "For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house." Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You just have to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

Guess who

I like my fish to be fresh

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00AM." He left it where he knew she would see it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife had not wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed.
The paper said "it is 5:00AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

And there's weddings - Sent in by Hannah Tallamy

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied,

 "Because people are sleeping."

AS SEEN ON CHURCH BULLETIN BOARDS:

Grin and Bear it!

A man went on a nature walk. A bear began to chase him, so he climbed a tree. As he was climbing he slipped down into the bear's arms.  He prayed "Lord let this be a Christian bear."  The bear said "Lord for what I am about to receive"

But Mum

A little boy told by his mother that he might go on a picnic she had previously forbidden sighed, "It's too late Mummy, I've already prayed for rain."

There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to become a member of the church.
      The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.       
      The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and said. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member."       
      Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"       
      "Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church."       
      "He did?" said the pastor.       
      "Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
      
      Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
      
      Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
      
      The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
      
      The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
      
      The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

Up in smoke

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"
      
      "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
      
      "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
      
      "About 20 years, sir"
      
      "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
      
      "It was, sir."

Do you know who I am

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
      
      "The front row please." she answered.
      
      "You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
      
      "The pastor is really boring."
      
      "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
      
      "No." he said.
      
      "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
      
      "Do you know who I am?" he asked.
      
      "No." she said.
      
      "Good", he answered.

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?" He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

A little girl was reading on an airplane when the man beside her noticed her storybook, entitled "Jonah and the Whale." The man thought he would see if the little girl believed the story about Jonah. So, after saying Hi to the girl he asked her to tell him about the book she was holding. The girl said the book was about Jonah, and how he was swallowed by a whale. The man asked: "Do you believe that really happened?" The little girl replied, "Yes, I believe the story of Jonah is true." You mean you really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and okay? She said, "Absolutely -- this story is in the Bible and we studied it in Sunday school today!" Then the man asked, "How can you prove that the story about Jonah is true?" She thought for a moment, and then said, "When I get to Heaven I'll ask Jonah." The man then asked, "What if Jonah's NOT in Heaven?" She put her hands on her little waist, and sternly said: "Then I guess YOU can ask him!"

The following jokes were sent in by Bethan Richards - Thanks for the laugh Bethan

Away from Home

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realise how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

SORRY

A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:

Dear Grandmother,

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.

With love,