What a mixture we had out today - the exuberance of teenage centres, the wisdom of experience at 8 and 10, and the utter confusion of everyone else who listened to Jukebox. It was muddy, a little fresh, but the day took on a different feel as many of the first team regulars turned up rowdily on the sidelines, sullying the demeanour of the arena, drinking bottled European beer and basically being a damned nuisance. We will be much better off when the new Grandstand is built and the riff raff will be excluded from such areas and normal service is resumed.

The Rugby was interesting as few people knew each other on the field. Dave Rowe led the team from the sidelines, offering great encouragement and bon-mots, many of which took the form "I wouldn't have done that. That's not like me".

Dean Fradgley was in every maul convincing players he had hands on the ball even when it had been kicked to touch by Taff, the opposition stand off. Deano's tan matched the whole body covering of mud he acquired and this camouflage allowed him and back row partner Evan to enter the tackle area unnoticed and disrupt rucks and Mauls a plenty.Jukebox confounded the bookies who had 90% of placed bets suggesting he wouldn't last 20 minutes. Half way through minute number 34, Jukebox came off to the visible relief of the "Paddy Power" tic-tac man, and the rapturous applause of the appreciative crowd. The RFU are considering a ruling because as we all know a flanker's life is on the edge and some punters pointed out that Jukebox had spent at least 18 minutes of the game offside and therefore this time should be excluded. We await the IRB ruling.

The new forwards worked well together and punched big holes through the assembled defence. Like Remoras on big white sharks or oxpeckers on Rhinoceroses, scrumhalf Steve-Simon's-mate-from-Leeds followed them everywhere looking to pick up titbits of ball, that was quickly spun out to the grateful backs. Nick Rigby donned a set of boots again and lit up the backs with Duncan "Litmus" Balderstone chugging hard after some grubber kicks through the middle and Scott Wallis chasing kicks down the line. But often to no avail as the muddy conditions took the fizz out of our champagne rugby.

It was very muddy and the footwear on show on the sidelines was as varied and colourful as Roger Shrapnel's shirts. Jody wore red thigh length socks with tan shoes, Gareth Morgan had super functional wellies and Ben Blagrove wore unfeasibly large training shoes. Discussions amongst the Cox family revolved around how you made flip flops work ("well both my left and right one makes a flip sound ; neither go flop". "Oh ? Mine both make a flop sound") JC meanwhile just splashed in the puddles.

Back on the pitch Harry Titley showed he had little of his father's skills and gave a professional demonstration of all round Rugby. He made himself time on the ball for a measured display of kicking and you could hear the seconds pass as he readied himself for one of his many howitzer-like kicks to touch. The Hives' song played loud in my head as the ball came out to H one more time....tick tick tick tick BOOM. His conversion and penalties were straight and distance was measured by post code area covered and Dave Rowe said of his kicking "that's just like me". In open play with ball in hand H showed complete disregard for Dick's teachings and made all the right decisions. He took the ball through the centres and (this time like his Dad) decided not to pass, stepped inside his marker and scored under the posts (not like his Dad). Dave Rowe said of his lines of running "that's just like me".

Malcolm Gale started the game as a pre-ICC gig warm up and was replaced by Dick Titley for the second half. Neither could jump as well as Dave Rowe apparently. Dave Ward and Giles filled the number 2 position but as usual managed to confuse everyone with their fast open field flanker / winger mentality and sped into open space or opposition ball carriers with equal zest.

As we drank Gary Bentley's sloe gin and Rowie's Ouzo we watched young Polly come on and snuff out any suggestion of Eccleshall running with the ball, and even the biggest of the visiting forwards stayed tackled once Perkins had been in contact. Dave Rowe said "Polly tackles just like me".

Simon Goodhead decided to put last week's knock-ons behind him but showed that he could still spill the ball with the best of them. Eccleshall fell into this cunning trap and late on Simon caught a slip pass from Steve-from-Leeds and streaked down the right wing, dodging left and right as the first line of defence expected him to cough up the ball, but the sheer numbers of Eccleshall backs eventually brought him down on the 5 yard line and someone else knocked on. The assembled spectators decided it had to be Dave Rowe. That's just like him.

 Thanks to Whittington for the games and thanks to Whittington Dave and Ryan that switched back and forth on the sides.

The first legends game of the year and it was a mixed affair. We combined the players (and the skills) of Barton Whittington and Uttoxeter and saw a leisurely game at Holland Park Sports Club. The Buttoxington team fared well with Murray Nielsen stepping in at stand off, but the soggy ground was not a day for the kickers. Dave Ward at Hooker and Jukebox at Left Outside combined well at the lineouts, and we even won some ball, but most surprising was Tony's longevity as for the first time this Millennia he stayed on the pitch for a full game ! The assembled crowd were proud.

Scott Wallis patrolled the wing but there was little action there as the wise old heads kept the ball tight for most of the game. The Uttoxeter centre ran far too fast and too strong and we won't be inviting him back, especially when he pulled Jukebox's hair. Tolley played advantage well and allowed mauling to flow - late in the second half the maul stopped and both teams took a breather for 2-1/2 minutes; leaning on each other for support before Steve called "use it" and the maul started rolling again. A further 3 minutes passed before anyone could find the ball and eventually Jukebox knocked on - just like old times.

The game was played in good spirits as time, rivalry, and league standings were forgotten. As were offside lines, play calls and basic laws of the game; but it was fun.

I've made the score up because Buttoxington lost by lots.

I'd tried to deep fry my last Camembert in bread crumbs but all the bread fell off the moment it touched the bubbling fat and the cheese stuck to the basket - it was a disaster. I looked to Jamie Oliver for advice; take 225g of puff pastry and make into two circles. Place the whole Camembert cheese on one circle of pastry and put the other circle of pastry on the top. Seal the edges with beaten egg and bake at gas mark 7 for 15-20 minutes. Leave for ten minutes and eat. It was wonderful, and although a little filling it made my Saturday night tea a treat. "Why do I have to use pastry?" I asked. "Because the cheese in the middle gets hot and melts" said my wife. "You need to have something to stop the runny centre going all over the place".

Just like Saturday.

The game was evenly matched and was hard fought but the Tamworth centres were hard to control. There was nothing puff pastry about the Barton centres with Gaz Bentley and Murray Nielson putting up a solid defence, but the Tamworth three quarters made or scored all the points. We had exile Dave Ward at stand off and he won man of the match. The look of surprise on everyone's face was the same as mine when Dave offered to pay his subs ! Hooker Dave Ward played his heart out all day, if only to impress Jo and little Oliver on the touch line. Pete Lerigo ran around at scrum half but was buried under the Tamworth back line so often, his wife Lyn thought he wasn't playing and went home early. Jukebox took the field amid rapturous applause and left the field shortly after - there was so little time between the two events we just kept on clapping without a break. Duncan Bladerstone went on came off went on came off and saw far too much of the Tamworth centres in his peripheral vision as they sprinted for the line. Dean Fradgley came on as a replacement winger and stamped out any suggestion of a runner getting outside him.

One spectator asked who the guys in the blue socks were as they were at every breakdown. There was only one player with blue socks - Darren Senior, who tried to tell us he hadn't played union for twenty years, and made up for this lapse of common sense by playing three or four games worth of rugby during the game.

But it was the wingers that saw too much ball deep in their 22. There were phases of play where Webby, Evan and Dale Coaster were working with Jody, Chris and Scott and the game was scrappy and disjointed for much of the time. Gaz Bentley came close to scoring with a straight line of running but decided to gift the try to an invisible winger out to the left. It ruined his 100% record and he knew it.

In the end the forwards were evenly matched and even Andy Gillett had a quiet game, but when the ball came out to the Tamworth centres, it was hard work. And even my pastry wouldn't have stopped them running.

Glyn Bennett scored !! He picked up the ball by ripping it from the grasp of a Whittington player, and scampered off downfield, with John Blackwell as wingman guiding him through the myriad of would-be tacklers. Glyn has appeared on this website many times for failing to tackle Dave Rowe properly (and breaking ribs), failing to catch the ball (and giving away possession) but today he is vilified for failing to score three tries. He should have scored three and the Barton RFC committee decided that this was a deliberate attempt to avoid buying everyone in the bar a drink (like a hole in one at golf). He has subsequently been fined three jugs of lager, one jug of Guinness and twelve jugs of Pedigree.

John Blackwell scored, Carl Mears scored, Dave Grosvenor scored and Andy Gillett won man of the match, because he didn't. Simon Archer played for Whittington to make a full team , Matt Bloxham played for Whittington to make up ten yards on every carry and Gary Moule played for Whittington to make up new ways to be offside. Richard Grant filled in at full back and got rid of his stutter during conversions but his kicks from hand curled like Michael Portillo's lips when someone mentions Boris Johnson. Luckily our lineouts were solid and play continued with Barton in possession.

But the best team performance came later in the day when the club decamped to Alrewas cricket club for Julie's bash. We drank with pride, danced with passion and sang with gusto, although Gusto had to go home early because he had a sore throat. It was like being on tour and I look forward to next Wednesday's increase in tie sales.......

It was like one of those old sepia toned photos your Granny shows you of the village High Street in Edwardian times. Familiar faces in a different time and era, with questionable fashions evident. As Rigby, Brockington, Webb, Bloxham Sr, Titley and Todd took to the field on Saturday we looked around for the Discovery Channel cameras filming a documentary of days of yore. Like the Drakelow cooling towers, the cameras weren't there and it felt strange without them.

Despite having to borrow a Ripley winger to make up XV, Barton ran out convincing winners. Gillet made many a run into the vacant midfield and found a willing possy of backs and back rows behind him, hungry for the ball like a pack of salivating hyenas, ears pricked up in anticipation of a kill. Todd and Brockington waltzed around the Ripley backs at will and Flash deservedly won man of the match. Rigby's evergreen title remains intact as his decision making was superb all game although a cynical back row suggested his execution in passing was a little rusty. Just because you didn't get the ball Dick.

Gary Bentley kept up his 100% scoring record this season but the crowd did see him rip the ball from Toddy on the try line and fall over for an easy score. We didn't know if the thump felt on the sidelines was a Drakelow after shock, Gary falling over the try line, or Toddy's heart sinking as he was robbed of another score. Mike Collier had a quiet game on the wing - welcome to the life playing outside Toddy & Flash.

Enough of the backs; it was a day for our forwards. The scrummaging was awesome, and rarely have we seen the front row move so quickly as they did driving over a Ripley put in. Webby made his opposite number sing in pain, but I didn't recognise the tune, and Carl Mears did not know what to do with all the space he had in the second half. Worried about scoring he made it over the try line only to hand the ball to Flash to score. Matt Bird has some explaining to do here ! Dale Coaster and Chris were everywhere and worked hard at every breakdown to make sure Gary Bentley looked good behind the rucks, while Evan, Dave Grosvenor and Dick maurauded around the fringes until Dick had to leave to put the Chilli on.

Ripley are a great bunch of guys and the game was played in the true spirit of rugby. The score isn't important which is just as well for Richard Grant who's habitual twitching during conversions allowed the Ripley wingers to charge down his kicks. We look forward to seeing the Rhinos again after Christmas.

A full side plus subs turned out and put in a dazzling display against a somewhat weakened SC side last Saturday. In the first ten minutes Bloxham Snr ran the full length of the field unopposed for a brilliant solo try and converted it himself. Chris Douglas ran straight and hard all day and managed a running commentary as he took the ball on. For the first time in recent memory, Barton did not lose a single lineout ball, and the scrummaging might as well have been unopposed. Richard Webb saw a lot of space and set up ruck after ruck, even putting out long miss passes to the grateful wingers. The score was 55-0 at half time and we brought on Steve Tolley for a cameo appearance and his jinking runs broke through the SC defence as if they weren't there. Support play was excellent and even Darryl managed a full game without injury (and contact).

Everyone in the side scored and the supportive crowd (Steeny and FYT) were treated to some excellent champagne rugby. We were looking for a shut out but a fumble by Dale was touched back by Pastie, and the referee (who was unsighted) decided a try should be awarded instead of the customary 5m scrum. A strong performance nevertheless and we retired to the bar to watch the Northampton game and dream of Rachel in a swimsuit. Steeny force fed us sausage and beans and the evening sun shone brightly. Lovely day.

Okay, Sutton IVs cancelled on Thursday but our fantastic communication system meant no-one told us.

The zimmer frames were lined up like soldiers against the changing room wall, and the St John's Ambulance team were replaced by an Age Concern gazebo. Yes there were some old boys out on the field on Saturday.

It was a tight first half, played in very good spirits although the Burntwood scrum half is unlikely to hear "130 over 60" from any GP soon, as his blood pressure remained high all day. Burntwood played a cool tactical game; give it to one of two big runners, or if they were tired or out of position, kick. It was astoundingly effective and the Barton defence were perplexed as to how to stop this.

Mr Gale was aggressive all afternoon in the lineout and "Monster" Malc's tackling gave cause for Ref Tolley to wag a finger at him once or twice. The rucking was ferocious and we all soon learnt to leave the ball on the ground and not to lie on the wrong side. It only took me 30 years and 23 minutes.

Gary Bentley picked up MoM, despite being unable to pick the ball up from the base of a retreating scrum, but he was beaten hands down by Ade Asprey at full back who managed to not pick up the ball from the ground when running, not once, not twice but three times on the trot. This caused much amusement to the assembled crowd who didn't see much else to be entertained by, as someone forgot the hip flask.

Beautifully clear skies allowed a haze-free view of the Drakelow power station cooling towers from the pristine turf of John Taylor. Our intrepid Logistic manager was in charge of photography and accurately captured the feel of the match ; lots of forward work and a picture of the grass.

The Staffs forwards didn't move much. They are huge. Their front row managed to crouch in the scrums but that was the most they moved all day. Malcolm secured all our ball in the lineouts and stole three of theirs, but we gained no yards in scrums or mauls as Staffs just wouldn't budge. Sadly the game came to a premature end as the Staffs prop went down with a knee injury 15 minutes from time and, you guessed, didn't move much until the Ambulance arrived.

Both sets of back looked like they'd never played together before and it was not Barbarians style rugby in any sense, but the overlaps Staffs created allowed them to keep the score ticking over.

Granty was MoM and kicked long and hard all afternoon, tiring our wingers who had to chase down the ball.

Two teams at John Taylor again. The legends played a fine game holding the opposition to a 0-0 score until a little scuffle started late in the second half and Eccelshall scored 20 points when we weren’t looking. Jason Stone played a blinder and got punched every time he got the ball, and our pack were awesome. Like a Bruce Forsyth game show, our front row lifted theirs at will "Higher ? higher ? lower, Lower ? Higher " bayed the crowd. When they didn’t go up, they went back and Richard Webb duly won MoM for a dazzling display of all propping techniques in a single game, and even showed us two or three legal moves too.

The backs were at the back and Dave Valentine made his bi-annual appearance in a Barton shirt filling in the full back position in a much fuller way than he used to. Bentos and Weedon enforced discipline at stand-off and back row respectively and a good day was had at the office.

Ivy League. "The upper echelons. The best. The pinnacle of achievement". I agree. It conjures up images of red brick establishments where only the best are invited to participate. Where skills are honed and refined to be world class. Yes, that is the Barton seconds.

Travelling west to the seat of the newly formed Staffordshire parliament, after a bloodless coup following self-determination rallies in Kings Bromley and Stretton High Street, we played the Stafford fourths, or as I was told Stafford IV. Now there are some people who say it should be written as Stafford XV to represent fifteen players, but to be pedantic, these were probably players 56 to 74 on their register, so if that’s the case we played Stafford LVI to LXXIV. And lost. Simon Archer scored our only try and after playing flanker, second row and full back in the last two games, finally found his position and scored. As would be expected from a scratch mixed ability side, the defence was crucial and learning from the lessons dealt out at Derby fourths, we kept the Staffs boys at bay pretty well. Songs were sung, beer was drunk and friends were made, just like Rugby should be.

So it seems we only play the established veteran’s sides of all the major clubs in the region, which seem to be called the "Fourths" these days, or the IVs. I guess that means we are Ivy league in more way than one ?

I was at the dentists last week and learnt from the hallowed pages of "Hello !" that Martine McCutcheon recommends Vol-au-Vents as the ideal pre-dinner nibble. I didn’t think I would be reminded of this on Saturday afternoon though.

Ashbourne thirds played the Barton second team. It was hard to call this team the Legends as it comprised fresh faced, inexperienced newcomers with weathered war torn veterans in equal measure. The Barton pack was awesome and varied their play to keep the massed hoards of spectators amused. They would wheel left, drive straight, fringe round the rucks and maul at will; it was an impressive performance from a tight eight where over half were over 40. Scrum half Jason Stone worked well with the back row and was an effective link to Flash at fly half as Barton completely dominated the tight play. At half time we were 5-0 up after a Gary Bentley try following an energy sapping maul from a solid lineout. Leicester have complained about us infringing their trademark mauling techniques but we have called them scaredy cats and asked if they would like to have a go if they think they are hard enough. Martin Corry has suggested the last weekend in February at Holland Park – bring it on.

I was disappointed with Richard Leverington’s refereeing as he got all the calls right and I had no one to argue with until I got back to the club house. With Tolley and Bloxham showing similar form I can see Barton being established as a centre of excellence not just for this football academy thing but Rugby and refereeing too. Dave Ward at hooker showed calmness under pressure, maintaining straight lineout throws and committed rucking in difficult conditions. Malcolm Gale and Dick Titley showed a combined age of 90 would not stop lofty leaps at 2 and 4 and lineouts became a Barton domain. Russ Fellows and Richard Webb propped up the scrum and the Holland Sports Club bar with equal success and Ade Asprey gave us all a lesson in tackling. Unfortunately our backs did not gel as well and Ashbourne successfully exploited the few gaps that they found. They scored more points than we did, but as you know by now, when we lose it is the effort that counts not the score.

Flash scored a try in the second half and was so pleased he missed the conversion. The Barton back row were everywhere and Andy Gillet took man of the match for a fine performance at No 8, although all three tackled hard and ran everywhere. Ashbourne recognised this strength and always made sure to reply through their backs. It was sad that their trys looked so easy but when overlaps were present we were weak on the outside and showed lack of playing time, which will improve as the season progresses. Dave and Iain Cox played well in the centre / wing / full back position and Dave’s insistence in taking straight or inside lines off Flash was refreshing, always sucking in two defenders. Late in the second half the silky green shorted runner took his favourite line but found no defenders and triumphantly dotted down under the posts

So in summary it was before dinner, the play was a bit fluffy pastry round the edges and we had a runny centre. Vol-au-vent rugby. Martine was right.

The Legends played Derby 4ths today and the forwards had a busy day. The backs were relatively calm apart from an outbreak of expletives from Chris "Tourette" Douglas when he found himself on the wrong side late in the second half. A large number of players pulled on the BRFC shirt for the first time and played well, but sadly due to lack of team time it was a game of individual performances rather than a team effort. We did not score any points and Derby scored some, and many combinations were tried out; Matt Bird tried out the No. 10 shirt, Jody popped up in the centre, James Gadsby dominated the lineouts but it was Gareth "Clifton" Morgan who was everywhere. Front row, hanging off the rucks, covering at full back, and making runs down the wing. No wonder he won man of the match. When preparing to send his gilded certificate of congratulations via email I became curious about his email address. It reminded me of a DoM event from my past. Would you like to hear ? Are we sitting comfortably ? Then I’ll begin.

It was 1992 and I was working in Fife, playing for Alloa with the nickname Brick (more of why in a later chapter). We often travelled across the Forth to play teams in Edinburgh and on one autumnal afternoon were destined to play Herriott Watt FPs. One of our back rows was a banker with an impeccable upbringing; Fettes College, Oxford University, then on to the Royal Bank of Scotland where he was big in corporate finance. His dress sense, mannerisms and accent were all posh upper class East Coast Scottish and he was, and is, a true Gent. During his school days he spoke of much rivalry between the Edinburgh private schools and he warned us about the strength of HWFP, beguiling us with tales of powerful forward play and scorching backs, to the point where he said if we beat them he would shimmy up their flag pole naked and sing Jerusalem.

We did indeed beat them, albeit by one point, but a forefit was required and after much beer was drunk we managed to persuade him to perform the task. Most of the club had retired due to a disco in the nearby Nurse’s home, but we insisted he climb the pole before we made haste to the Western General Hospital to join them. He scampered up the pole and sang a bit but as he descended he failed to take account of the little cleat that one wraps the flag cord around. This cleat came neatly into contact with his scrotum as he slid down, and duly ripped it open. He squealed and screamed like a stuck pig, and bled like one too. As a first aid instructor from my days offshore I was asked by the onlookers for medical advice, however having imbibed just over a gallon of McEwans Export and no pork pies, my judgement was somewhat clouded and all I could offer was "direct pressure and elevation" – the classic first aid for wounds. This was immediately discounted by the screaming banker and I was dispatched hastily into the next taxi.

I did not see the team for the whole of the next week but come Saturday there, blazoned across the notice board, was the banker’s quotation to the Paramedics as they arrived to attend to his injuries; "Neither squeeze my scrotum, nor raise it above my head, and keep that Brick away from my bollocks". When are you ever likely to hear that again – a classic if ever there was one.

So why did Gareth Morgan’s outstanding display in Derby today remind me of this incident ? Well Clifton’s email address is onebigphatDEEVA@hotmail.com and our posh banker was forever known as Diva – short for DIY Vasectomy.

So, is there something Clifton needs to tell us ?

Two teams out at John Taylor, yet it was felt that the first team had the easier draw as the Legends XV took on the former league winners and current first team opponents.

Nick Rigby ran out for his first game as Club President and, when Gary Bentley went off after 15 minutes with a pulled calf muscle pushing Rigby up to scrum half, wished he hadn’t. Whittington are strong and subtle and it was hard work round the rucks today. Our back row had lots of work to do and did a sterling job. Jukebox decided to grace the field with his particular style of play which today meant headbutting our own front row forward within two minutes and collecting a total of seven staples in his head at Burton Royal Infirmary. So all subs were used and off we went.

Matt Bird had the game of his life alongside Dave Cox and outside Dale Hutchinson, and proved he could read the game and kick, pass tackle and attack at will. He was cruelly denied his first try following a scorching run down the wing, a kick ahead and ten seconds later being bundled into touch without the ball from a late tackle. In the first half he was unfairly denied a try from a cross field kick from Dave Cox, simply because he was 23 yards in front of the kicker at the time. Disgraceful refereeing ! Matt did however have the glory of wearing a shiny yellow MoM jacket for the evening.

Rusty Spinney showed good form on the wing and his magnetic properties meant he always ran full pelt into the most populated part of the field confusing the opposition and team-mates in equal measure. Whittington were not the team of old and struggled in the backs to keep the ball alive and string sensible moves together. The score flattered them but it was nothing like as dominant as it should have been. I sense this will not be repeated when they are up to full strength for their league match. The legends points came from a typical move. Tap penalty, ball out to Rigby who taunted the gain line before offloading to a thundering Gillett, who’s timing, line and speed could not have been better. Under the posts for five and Evergreen slotted the next two. Lovely