HUMOUR
A man lives alone was, one day feeling rather lonely so he goes to the local pet shop to buy a pet for company. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. After a few moments consideration he decided to buy the millipede and took it home where he made it a temporary house in a cardboard box.
That evening he decided to test his new pet and, leaning over the closed box, said “I’m going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come” He waited for a few moments but there was no reply. He tried again. “Hey millipede, do you want to come to the pub with me”. Still no reply.
Disgusted by his own gullible nature he decided to give it one more try before returning the millipede to the pet shop. So, standing really close to the box, he shouted “I said I’m going to the pub, do you want to come with me?” “For goodness sake, I heard you the first time” snapped the millipede, “I’m just putting my boots on”
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost so, on seeing a women below, he descended and said “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman replied “You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30feet above the ground. You are between 40and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer or accountant or an analyst” said the balloonist.
“I am “replied the woman” How did you know?”
“Well” answered the balloonist “while everything you told me is technically correct, I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost”. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far”.
The woman responded. “You must be in management”. “I am” said the balloonist “but, how did you know?”
“Well” said the woman” You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you can’t keep and you expect people below you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow it’s my fault.”
Three retirees, each with a hearing problem, were playing golf. One said to the other “Windy isn’t it?” “No” the second man replied “It’s Thursday” The third man chimed in “So am I. Let’s have a beer”.
One Liners
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at anytime” I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If we are not supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.