Are you a "Fiver Man"?

It's been a fairly quiet couple of weeks on the old beer glass collecting front. Although the collection has risen by perhaps 5 glasses since the last blog entry I've unfortunately failed in managing to find that rich vein of untapped glasses that must exist somewhere in the West Berkshire area. I'd attempted to place a free advert in the local paper confidently stating that I was prepared to pay "fair prices for unwanted beer glasses" Perhaps it's lucky for the unsuspecting burgers of the area that they will never actually know what my "fair price" was going to be as the paper didn't print the ad! Still I guess that's what happens when you try to use the free for sale section to place a wanted advert.

Anyway we stopped for a drink in a local cafe in the hometown, which is a pleasure normally deprived of us because of a combination of any number of factors. Just choose two from the following list and make up your own reasoning; the kids, the weather, money, shopping, energy levels, natural catastrophes, terrorists or boredom. How pleasantly surprised we were to see that the owners of the cafe had proudly plastered signs about the place announcing that from immediate effect they are enforcing a No Smoking policy. Now I am a ferment anti-smoker and will aggressively state my rights to clean air whenever it is infringed by a nicotine-addict, usually in the form of a loud tut. Which is perhaps not as drastic as the shows of disgust my eldest does. Just to change the location slightly, we were at a function in a sports club recently and for some reason the eldest and myself had to pop outside for something. As is usual these days the doorway area was claimed by the smoking brigade, manically clutching to their last change of a drag before perhaps twenty minutes without the weed. Every time we walked either in or out H-P would utter a loud pantomime and almost comedy "Ahem" and other gagging noises very much in the style of the "Computer says no" woman. Anyway back to the cafe, as it was such a glorious day we decided to sit outside and of course as a result of timing that only Mr Sod could have had a hand in, as the waitress brought out our baguettes the woman on the table next to us lit up a bloody fag. After urinating on her and finishing my tea and roll I noticed that the bottom of the tea mug was covered in a layer of lime scale. Now never being one to exaggerate a situation (I've told you a million times I don't do that. Ker-Ching!) I thought I'd point it out to the cafe staff as literally there was a huge lump of yellowing sludge rolling about in the mug's bottom. Now here's where I know I am a true Englishman. Not wanting to cause a fuss or make a scene I took the mug back inside the cafe to show off my evidence. The waitress who's served us was with other customers and not wanting to potential ruin a sale by waving my scaled-cup under their noses I leaned into the kitchen area and spoke with the chef.

"Excuse me, just to let you know, you might want to descale your kettle, look." <proffers mug>

"Yeah it's lime scale"

"Yes, I know that, but I just thought you might want to make sure no-one else gets a cup like this."

"It's only lime scale"

"Yes, but it's in my cup"

<shrug> "Yeah we'll do them tonight" 

And that was it. At the risk of sounding and probably becoming a grumpy old man, why the heck do we put up with shite service like this? I can put my hand on my heart and state that I wasn't looking for a display of remorse from the staff or even a free cup of tea but at least a "Ooh sorry about that mate, thanks for letting us know." So anyway, with a plethora of other cafe dispensing services in the town I will not be going there again, unless a chronic hypoglycaemic attack gets the better of me, damn you diabetes and your forced-mars bar eating addictions. 

I've discovered a new breed of person, or rather not discovered but certainly I think I've accurately classified him. He's called "Fiver Man" and you'll find him in your local pub, chip shop or other vending establishment. It must be very nice to be a "Fiver Man" as it must make for a very simple life as far as finances go. Basically every time that "Fiver Man" purchases something he'll round up the sum of his purchases to five pounds by throwing the change into the nearest slot machine. I spotted "Fiver Man" when I picked up chips for Thursday's tea. "Fiver Man" was in front of me and after he'd received his delicate dish of scallop and chips he marched over to the fruit machine and dispensed of the probable £2.70 odd change in twenty seconds flat. He wasn't waiting for anything so the perhaps he was just killing time excuse can't be used so I can only presume he either has no pockets or his brain simply can't cope with the fact that he now has a financial status an un-round number. So what does "Fiver Man" do? He gets rid of his odd change until simple number status is restored to his wallet. When it comes to totting up his expenses for the day life is simple: 

Breakfast - £5.00

Chip Shop - £5.00

Lunch Time Pint - £5.00

Tea - £5.00

Evening drinks - £10.00 (let's say he has two pints)

 And so life continues for "Fiver Man", the man with the lightest wallet and life long friend of the CMJSLeisure corporation.

The GashMan isn't here today, so I've commandeered his mini-water machine bottle and am working my way through all two and a half litres. It’s lunchtime and I’m about two litres into my mission. Do I feel better? Do I heck!