Going up in Smoke

I’ve been spending a lot of time in hospitals recently, hence the delay in a blog update, but at least these establishments of disease and illness have given me some material with which to work with. When I say ‘hospitals’ I actually mean ‘hospital’ and the one in question is the brand new University Hospital in Walsgrave, Coventry. Now I understand that this state of the art building was only opened this summer so it’s been quite interesting to see some of the billions of pounds that’s been spent on the NHS actually working for the common man. 

Firstly they have built a large and impressive revolving door as the main entrance into the building. It’s one of those doors that is constantly revolving and only stops if someone slumps against the glass. Now I’m sure when the planning meetings were in full swing, deciding what sort of door they would fill the large gaping hole in the lobby with, this revolving option was probably chosen for some good reasons. Well I hope so anyway as in practise they could not have possibly picked a worse designed door for this purpose. Perhaps they underestimated the influx and outflux(?) of pedestrian traffic that would be using the door. Even at quiet times what happens is as the door makes its slow way round and round people have to queue for the gap part to come round so they can enter the thing. But of course as the door is round it makes it very hard for the traditional British person to queue in a fashion with which they’re comfortable. So what then happens is when the door opening finally comes around, far too many people pile into the thing and then start this synchronised shuffle around as they make their way to the other side. But of course with so many people in the thing it’s constantly setting off the sensors, which cause the thing to suddenly halt and let off an ear-piercing wail. So instead of being smoothly whisked around into or out of the hospital you end up doing some sort of robotic epileptic fit until you’re finally released. But what’s probably worse is that even at the slow speed the door goes round at, anyone stumbling along on crutches or wheeling a drip in front of them will struggle to maintain the steady speed necessary to get them round and into the building without either being crushed by the people coming behind or dragged under the door itself to end their days in a carousel of hell. Why couldn’t they have just put a ‘door’ there, you know something that opens and closes and doesn’t try to be anything but.  

On the route towards to great big revolving door there’s a sort of courtyard thing, which is heavily signposted that “this is a no smoking area” and “smokers should fuck off to the designated areas” – Needless to say if I ask the question of “where do all the smokers gather to smoke?” the answer is easily guessable. Just to add insult to the health risks that this bunch of selfish bastards seem to think they have a right to inflict on us all, the majority of puffing pricks were actually patients of the hospital. Yes that’s right, 2 of every 3 smokers out there were dressed in fluffy slippers and dressing gowns with the majority being either hooked up to the drip or sitting in a wheelchair. How embarrassing? OK, these people might have been in for something simple like an in-growing toenail but even so I would have been too bloody ashamed to limp my sorry arse outside and inhale on burning tobacco in the full view of all the hospital staff and visitors. In the same week that I saw the story of a local authority who had been brave enough and absolutely bloody correct to ban smoking on every inch of their property, why couldn’t the hospital do the same? Presumably as well as treating any life threatening injuries and conditions the organisation has an interest in its patients’ long-term health, so this isn’t an outrageous idea.

At the very least make the dirty stinking scum stand somewhere where they cannot foul my eyes! 

Also, it is a requirement of all nursing staff that they should be dumpy and have a fringe? Check it out next time you’re in a medial establishment and ‘do the math.’ You’ll be surprised.