Simon Allen. The name makes us think of many things: people called Simon Allen, or perhaps other people called Simon or Allen, or maybe sandwiches or something, I dunno. I don't really care. But what is important is that the Simon Allen I'm talking about IS EVIL.
My name is Alan Rickman. You may remember me from Die Hard, where I play that German guy, or that rubbish Kevin Smith film about the angels. You know, that one where Alanis Morissette is God? Yeah it was crap wasn't it. But what you must remember is that I have dedicated my life and acting career to investigating Simon Allen's wickedness, and this is what I've uncovered.
POINTS I AIM TO PROVE:
Item 1: Simon Allen IS Charles Manson
The relationship between Simon Allen and Charles Manson may seem an obvious one, given their hirsute similarities, hearts of pure EVIL, and appreciation of the Beatles. But have you EVER SEEN THEM IN THE SAME ROOM? NO! I aim to prove that Simon Allen and Charles Manson are the same bloke... man... guy.
1: They both have beards. Bearded men are well known for their extreme evil - just think of Harold Shipman. The beards of Manson and Allen are strikingly similar, DONCHA THINK?
2: They both like the Beatles. Or at least Charles Manson does. I dunno about the other guy. But yeah.
3: They are both so evil that they would probably fart in a baby's face and then laugh hysterically for exactly fifteen minutes.
4: They're both bastards.
5: Er...
6: Thats it. (That's enough Mansons. Ed.)
Item 1, Unit 2: Simon Allen IS A ROBOT
Look at that robot. Hardly evil compared to Simon Allen, is he? But what you DON'T realise is that Simon Allen
Item 2, Unit 1: If you say "Simon Allen" 24 times in a mirror while taking a dump, he will come out of the mirror and eat your face
A good American friend of mine sent me this communique over MySpace:
Subject line: DON@T OPEN THIS!!! OMG!!!
One time, like, there was this two girls and they were all like, hot and stuff, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, I dare you to like, say Simon Allen three times in a mirror!" and here friend was all like, "no way!!" and she was like "what, are you scared or something?! dude comeone!!!" and her friend was like "ok" and then she went to the bathroom and her friend closed the door and locked it. Then like she heard her friend saying "Simon Allen" five times and then there was silence. She went like "dude are you in there?" but there was no response. she was starting to get worried. she opened the door and then she her friend HAD TOTALLY NO FACE ANY MORE AND WAS SO DEAD, OH IT WAS GROSS and then there was SIMON ALLEN standing over her body grinning and going "Oh man, I totally KILLED HER!" and then killed her friend too.
NOW YOU HAVE OPENED THIS YOU ARE UNDER THE SPELL OF AN EVIL CURSE. IF YOU DON'T REPOST THIS BULLETIN WITHIN FIVE SECONDS SIMON ALLEN WILL JUMP OUT OF A MIRROR AT MIDNIGHT AND KILL YOU IN THE FACE.
Thanks for the information, mCrFaN666. Clearly the depths of Simon Allen's emo, I mean evil are not interrupted by national boundaries, coherency, or basic capacity for rational thought. As a fully trained psychologist, I can confidently diagnose Simon Allen's condition as SERIO-SATANIC PSYCHOPATHOLOGY with marked tendencies towards HITERLISM.
Item 2, Unit 1, Phase 2: Simon Allen isn't Satan, but is very close
Simon Allen is a well-known Satanist and complete bastard. He was once spotted with horns. Satan is quoted as having said about Simon, "Blimey, I mean say what you like about Stalin, but that bloke's a right bastard."
Item 3, Unit 3, Act 3: Simon Allen is a hatemongering fascist
Simon Allen once posed for the website of the EVIL SATANIC FASCIST party, the BNP. Simon Allen has this to say about homosexuals:
"I think you should apologise to them, one by one, in alphabetical order"
No, Simon, I think *you* should apologise to them, one by one, in alphabetical order, since you're OBVIOUSLY HOMOPHOBIC.
Item 44: Simon Allen is the well-known Elizabethan playwright Christopher Marlowe.
An expert on this subject once said that Simon Allen was the same person as Christopher Marlowe, the gay Satan worshipping playwright who deliberately thought of Shakespeare's plays before Shakespeare so historians would get confused and think he wrote them. He was also a gay homosexual. He once wrote a play called Faustus, where a bloke sells his soul to a demon called Mephistopheles. No need for that - Mephistopheles already sold his soul to Simon Allen.
Things that Simon Allen is Responsible For
Nagasaki (but not Hiroshima)
Tahini
The commissioning of the television series Coupling
The suppression of the 1921 Kronstadt Rebellion
People who use the phrase "bitchin"
Stupid haircuts
Blocked toilets
Hitler
The Black Death
9/11
The movie Burn!
Evil horses
Pinhead
Flies
Franco's victory in the Spanish Civil War
More flies
Stepping in dogshit
The thing where you stop the DVD so you can resume it, but then you press something else so you have to go back to the beginning
The noise, "uhhahoohh"
Now, I'm not sure how much time I'm prepared to spend on this page, but I am sure that Simon Allen is a bastard. If you have any further information concerning Simon's reign of terror, please contact me via my official MySpace page.