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October 1999
Act I
 The
time is the late 1930s, and our story begins with a giddy throng of
young Mayfair swells journeying by motorcar from London to Hampshire. As
they ride they anticipate the delights of A Weekend at Hareford,
especially because of the expected appearance of the long-lost heir to
the Earldom of Hareford. No one at Hareford Hall, however, is more
anxious to meet him than Lady Jaqueline Carstone who, though engaged to
the simpering Gerald Bolingbroke, makes no secret of her desire to snare
the Earl for herself (Thinking of No-One But Me).
At a conference of the Hareford clan, family solicitor Herbert
Parchester relates the unfortunate tale of the 13th Earl who had
secretly wed, and soon parted from, a woman beneath his station. With
both of them now deceased, the title and the estate pass on to the
Earl's son whom Parchester has located and who is waiting outside. The
only hitch: the heir must be deemed a fit and proper person by the two
executors of the will, Maria, Duchess of Dene, and Sir John Tremayne.
The young man is summoned and he turns out to be Bill Snibson, a
pugnacious Cockney ne'er-do-well from Lambeth, complete with bobbing
brown bowler, loud checkered suit and flaming red scarf. ("Where do you
live?" Lady Jaquie asks him. "I live in a distant village called
London." "What part?" "All of me.") This, however, does not faze the
determined Duchess who, much to the consternation of Sir John and the
others, is certain that she can make Bill into a proper gentleman. But
there is another hitch: Bill has brought along his girlfriend, Sally
Smith, also from Lambeth. This is too much, even for the Duchess.
With Bill off to fetch Sally, the Hareford relatives listen to
Parchester's bouncy advice to "Bring your troubles more and more to The
Family Solicitor," then follow him as he skips merrily about the room.
After they have adjourned to the library, Sally enters with Bill.
Dazzled by her surroundings, she feels out of place, but Bill quickly
reassures her "Nobody is going to part Me and My Girl." That of course,
is a song cue, and the twosome join in singing the lilting little
number, followed by a snappy buck-and-wing which ends with the pair
tapping on top of a long table.
Nothing daunted, the Duchess presses on with her plans for Bill as she
gives him lessons in how to speak and behave at a party she is planning
in his honor. Sally, of course, will not be invited. At the Hareford
Arms pub, Sir John tries to persuade the unhappy girl that both she and
Bill should go back to Lambeth, but he is deeply moved when Sally
reveals how strongly she feels in the plaintive Once You Lose Your
Heart.
Just before the formal party is to be held on the terrace of Hareford
Hall, the Duchess, Sir John, Lady Jaquie, Gerald and others await Bill's
arrival. Bill enters in formal attire, regally waving his hand, putting
on exaggerated airs, and speaking with a clipped Oxonian accent as he
meets the guests. (Dowager to Bill: "Do you know my daughter, May?" Bill
to dowager: "No, but thanks for the tip.") Suddenly Sally shows up in an
outrageous busker outfit and introduces her Lambeth mates to the
startled toffs. She announces that she is going back where she belongs
and Bill agrees to go too, saying, "We can't walk the Mayfair way any
more than they can walk the Lambeth Way." Then, blimey, if he doesn't
lead both Cockneys and swells in The Lambeth Walk - strutting, prancing,
kicking, cocking their thumbs and shouting "Oi!" in the proper manner -
and soon they are all spilling out beyond the stage and up and down the
theatre's aisles. By the time the scene is over, even the Duchess has
had a go at it.
Act II
In the Hareford garden the following afternoon, Lady Jaquie, Gerald, and
other pleasure-seekers are playing croquet as they sing and dance the
jolly hip-hip-hip-hooray number, The Sun Has Got His Hat On. Reason
enough, indeed, why everyone is wearing a hat. Despite their previously
expressed intention to leave, Bill and Sally have remained at Hareford.
Sir John, who is now firmly on their side, wants them to marry, and
Sally responds with a chipper bit of philosophy, Take It on the Chin
("Cultivate a little grin and smile").
Because he must soon make his maiden speech in the House of Lords, Bill,
in coronet and "vermin"-collared scarlet cape, is in the library
rehearsing. Sally tells him to marry someone with good blood ("What are
you, anemic?"), and, alone just before leaving for London, she reprises
Once You Lose Your Heart. (following Love Makes the World Go Round).
Back in Lambeth, Sally receives a telegram from Bill advising that he is
chucking everything to be with her. She also receives a visit from Sir
John offering his help at beating the Duchess at her own game. How can
Sally do it? Simply by staying at the home of a speech professor he
knows who lives on Wimpole Street. Sally leaves before Bill appears - in
white tie and tails - to explain to a policeman that he is Leaning on a
Lamppost not because he is loitering but because he's hoping that "a
certain little lady comes by." Sure enough, Sally does come by but it's
only in Bill's imagination as he envisions the two of them gliding and
twirling through the misty street.
Hareford Hall is once again the scene of another spiffy party. Now
despairing of Bill because he does nothing but moan about his Lambeth
love, the Duchess finally comes to realize how much Sally means to him.
In her new mellow mood, she accepts Sir John's offer of marriage, and
even Gerald gets Lady Jaquie to accept his offer. Bill enters in his
Lambeth duds, informs one and all that he's finally decided to go home,
and runs upstairs to pack. To everyone's amazement, Sally arrives
elegantly attired in tiara and white shimmering gown and speaking the
King's English. (Sir John's reaction: "I think she's got it!") After
Bill comes downstairs, Sally hides her face with her fan as she speaks
to him. Once she reveals her identity, Bill can only blurt out - more in
relief than in anger - "Where the bleedin' 'ell 'ave you been?" (Finale
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