Have you seen two ladies walking?
Round the streets of Collingham,
You can hear their constant talking,
One called Shirley one called Pam.

In their knee length shorts you'll see them,
Trotting up and down the street,
Little arms and legs a pumping,
Reebok trainer's on their feet.

Twice a week they go out training,
They'll tell you it keeps them fit,
Even when it's cold and raining,
Don't believe a word of it.

Is it planned or accidental?
Passed the village pubs they trot,
Do they think that we're all mental?
Crafty drinks at each they got.

Up Scarle Hill their wee legs take them,
Round the lanes to Swinderby,
Where they slyly have a breather,
Sipping on a G & T.

Then back home where no one sees them,
Feet up resting for a spell,
In their hands a large cream doughnut,
Kidding each that they've done well.

The Phantom Scribbler. 1999

You'll see her on the corner
Of High Street and Bell Lane
In ice and snow and fog and frost
In heat wave and in rain.

She's there each week day morning
And later in the day
Taking care of children
And keeping cars at bay.

Her regulation outfit
Is not quite Haute Couture
But everyone can see her
Of that you can be sure.

She holds a great big lollypop
It's yellow, white, and black
It says "Stop Children" on the front
The same upon the back.

She isn't scared of Juggernaut's
That thunder down the road
But jumps out right in front of them
She'll stop the largest load.

She's always got a friendly word
A wave, a jolly smile
Helping children cross the road
Her job is so worth while.

If one day she were missing
Our children couldn't cross
So always wave to Linda
She'd be a tragic loss.

The Phantom Scribbler. 1999