Many people consider quantum theory to be too arcane, or too abstract for the common man. It considers events on the sub-atomic scale, which follow laws that are very different from those of the everyday world. It must be admitted that much of quantum theory is counter-intuitive and inaccessible, and some aspects are ineffably mysterious. Nevertheless, it is perfectly possible to gain a working understanding of the subject simply by applying some common sense. This, then, is our attempt to make quantum theory accessible to the informed layman. Those with an IQ of less than 180 should give up all hope of ever becoming informed now.

The Atom

The Proton

The proton is the biggest of the three. It carries a positive electric charge and is therefore red in colour, following international convention. Protons are quite attractive to electrons, but if you put a lot of them together they become absolutely repulsive.

The Electron

The electron is the smallest of the three particles and, unlike the proton, it carries a negative electric charge, and so is blue in colour. Happily, it finds protons tremendously attractive, so the two get along famously. Again, though, if you put lots of electrons together they become quite replusive, and you're also likely to get electrocuted, because electrons are now known to be the chief cause of electricity, hence the name.

The Neutron

The third and final particle is called a neutron. It's only a tiny bit smaller than a proton, and has no electric charge at all and, thus, is green in colour. Although neutrons aren't electric, they are still phenomenally useful: you can use them to make bombs, stars, and fusion reactors. Apart from that they're really quite safe, and can be handled without special precautions. This particle was named in honour of its inventor, Sir Isaac Neutron.

The Structure of the Atom

Inside the atom, these various particles all have their proper places. Strangely, even though the protons and the electrons find each other mutually attractive, they see very little of each other. The electrons go whizzing around the outside, while the protons hang out with the neutrons in the centre, which is known as the nucleus, because that's the bit that can be used to make nuclear bombs. Even though the protons are attracted to the electrons much more strongly than to the neutrons, the particles in the nucleus seem to get along quite well, although things can become a bit fraught once you put a hundred or so of them together. Usually, a fight breaks out, which leads to what is called nuclear fission. If lots of atoms decide to do this simultaneously, the outcome tends to be a massive explosion, which is not popular with anybody. On the other hand, this process can actually be controlled, which results in a useful nuclear reactor rather than a terrifying nuclear bomb. This is a very delicate process, however; usually, the fission reactor is controlled and monitored by special computers built with fission chips.

Now obviously, the colour of an object depends upon the colour of the atoms that it's made from, and naturally, the colour of an atom depends upon the precise mix of particles inside it. The atom shown here, for example, has two red protons and two green neutrons; it also has six blue electrons, but they are much smaller and contribute less to the overall colour of the atom, so this atom will probably come out as a sort of dirty brown colour, and is almost certainly an atom of wardrobe.

The Photon

As well as the three particles we've looked at so far, there is a fourth particle called a photon. The photon is very useful indeed, because it can be used to make light, x-rays, radio waves, and most other forms of electromagnetic radiation. However, it is when considering photons that the various baffling paradoxes of quantum theory first become apparent. For example: the photon has no mass whatsoever, and therefore, doesn't exist. If it doesn't exist, then obviously you shouldn't be able to see it. However, you can see the photon, at least when it's being used as light. The other particles, on the other hand, definitely have mass and definitely exist, but you can't see them because they're far too small. This is a very paradoxical situation, but most scientists choose to ignore it. Some things are simply ineffable, and this is one of them.

The Laws of Quantum Mechanics

Now, these particles obey certain fundamental principles, known as the Laws of Quantum Mechanics. Once these principles have been grasped, a proper understanding of the subject is close at hand. For some reason, most of the laws are called principles, and some of the more important ones are:

The Exclusion Principle

This is really ridiculously simple, and nothing to be afraid of. It simply says that no two particles can be in the same place at the same time. Even an idiot could figure that one out, but that didn't stop Wolfgang Pauli from getting a Nobel Prize for it.

The Uncertainty Principle

The uncertainty principle is almost as straightforward. It simply says that you can't know where a particle is and how fast it's going, at the same time. Again, this is fairly obvious, really. If you try to find out where it is, by the time you've read the measurement from the ruler it's moved; conversely, you can't measure it's speed without allowing it to move. That's just life, I'm afraid. The uncertainty principle was invented by Werner Heisenberg, and he got a Nobel Prize too.

Shrödinger's Equation

This equation purports to tell you everything about a particle. Unfortunately, it's incredibly long and complicated, and nobody can solve it unless they already know the answer and work backwards. In other words, it's completely and utterly useless and you don't need to know about it. It was invented by Irwin Shrödinger, and guess what? He got a Nobel Prize for it. In addition to that, he did a really horrible experiment with cats and should have been disqualified on moral grounds. Somebody should have a serious talk to the Nobel Committee one of these days.

Now, you may be thinking at this point that the whole of quantum theory is really child's play, and there's nothing much to it. However, we now come to another of those paradoxical bits, which is:

Wave-Particle Duality

This is probably the single most baffling aspect of quantum theory, with the possible exception of entanglement. The problem is that the particle isn't really a particle at all; for at least some of the time it's a wave. By the same token, a wave is only a wave part time - sometimes it's a particle. The reason for this is largely mathematical. Sometimes the maths works better for a particle, other times it works better for a wave. The truth of what happens at the sub-atomic level is really quite straightforward: the particle is only a particle when you're looking at it; the rest of the time it's a wave. So, as soon as you look in a particular direction the wave becomes a particle, but the moment you look away the particle wavers and becomes a particular wave again. This is a horribly unnatural way for nature to behave, but that's just the way it is and we have to put up with it. This is not the only paradoxical bit, though; even worse things are to come...

Entanglement and Worse

The remaining bits of quantum theory are so bizarre and unpleasant that it's best to get them over with quickly, so here they are: (1) A particle can be in two places at once. Live with it. (2) Once two particles have interacted they become entangled, and anything that affects one particle will also affect the other, even if it happens to be on the other side of the universe at the time. Happily, you won't have to experience this first hand, because by the time you get to where the other particle is it will be long gone. (3) The particles only do anything at all when you're watching them. The rest of the time they're just footling about in the waves.

Conclusion

There now - that wasn't so bad, was it? You now know all you need to know to be a professional quantum mechanic. Next time the fabric of space is disturbed by a worm-hole, or a black-hole, or a singularity, or any other type of fault in the continuum, you will be fully qualified to quote for the repair work. Of course, if you would like full, professional accreditation, you should come along to the University of Crumbling St Agnes and take the exam. It costs £15, lasts for twenty minutes and we give you a nice certificate for the money. Alternatively, if you'd like to save the train fare, just download the certificate online, print it, and fill it in yourself.

To download your certificate, click the icon at the right. When the certificate appears, right click it and select 'Save as...'. Please remember that your new powers may only be used for good. The University of Crumbling St Agnes will not be held liable for damaged realities or universes broken beyond repair. Oh, and no sneaky holding the world to ransom, alright?

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