Silly News 1

 Weird, Strange And Silly News 

Here are some true snippets from the newspapers;-

A 70 year old Banjo player recently played in the most unusual theatre that he had ever played in during his entire life. The theatre was an operating theatre and he was instructed to play while undergoing a brain operation under a local anesthetic. The musician had developed a fairly common type of tremor in his hands that was severely affecting his ability to play and the only way to treat the problem was for surgeons to place a small electrode inside the relevant part of his brain that could then send tiny shocks into the brain to suppress the faulty nerve cells responsible. The procedure is fairly simple and common place, but the difficulty is in finding exactly the right clump of nerve cells responsible, hence the need to play his banjo while the surgeons cut open his skull and located the cells.

It wasn’t so long ago that the W.I. tried to shake off its dusty image of little old ladies that make jams and attend fetes, by producing a calendar of naked lady members with their essential bits suitably hidden by strategically placed straw hats and things. Now they have gone even further by releasing an instructional sex video. The 66 year old sex therapist who made the film can be seen giving instructions on how to use and showing of an assortment of sex toys whilst reclining on a bed. The lady also gives advice on ways to enjoy “Safe Sex” if the participants have health problems such as artificial hips.

One NHS authority has decided to put a large amount of money into the local community to have a positive affect on the health and future of many jobless young people in the area. The 1.75 million pounds will be spent over the next few years and will enable 150 teenagers a year to have a two week sailing course in the North Sea on board a yacht costing £1.35 that is being purchased by the Health Authority in Hull. Local councilors said if they wanted to invest in the community, the funding of long term apprenticeships would have been of more benefit to the future of the youngsters.

The healthy trend of remaining a virgin until later in life and being proud of it, seems to have started amongst some young people in America and is gaining popularity over here, but a 105 year old woman may be able to lay claim to be the oldest virgin in history. Born in 1903 she said that in her day girls didn’t have sex before they got married and as she got older, working as a secretary, housekeeper, serving in the Second World War, she always seemed to busy to get seriously involved with anybody. Her many relationships stayed platonic and she says that although she still likes a glass of wine with her friends she is hardly likely to get drunk and do something silly at her age!

The Health and safety lot have been at it again with one council telling their bin men to refuse to empty wheelie bins that are left standing on gravel drives in case the gravel gets trapped in the wheels of the bin causing them to tip up and topple over.

Some schools in Wales have banned two very popular food items from their canteens on health grounds saying that they are too salty. Tomato ketchup was banned from all Primary schools in Glamorgan and another school has banned the spread Marmite from its breakfast clubs. Kids have always liked to smother their often tasteless school meals in sauce and as a spokesman said Marmite is very salty, but only a very small amount is needed to be spread thinly on toast to give it a kick. For decades thousands of kids have started their day with toast spread with Marmite and in the past it was always claimed to be full of goodness made from yeast extracts.

In this age of political correctness and anti discrimination one council seems to have reached new heights by spending £5,000 installing signs in Braille advising on the correct footwear to use in a sports centre's squash courts. Even a spokesman for the R.N.I.B. said that blind people are able to do many things these days, but playing squash is not one of them.

Perhaps it’s a sign of our changing weather, but a significant biological find has been made near Norwich where a truffle has been unearthed, the first of its kind found for nearly a century. Experts stated that although a very important find it is not one of the better varieties to eat.

 Wolverhampton police investigating a mans death found his body lying on a sofa in a Kebab shop a few feet away from where a worker continued to prepare food.

A 55 year old school dinner lady was found frozen to death inside a school freezer after suffering from depression. Pills were found by her side and she was in debt as well.

A 46 year old mother of three children joined a World Wide dating agency on the Internet hoping to find someone. She trawled through a number of pictures of single men before contacting a 53 year old divorcee that she liked the look of. They began sending each other E-mails and decided to meet. When they exchanged addresses they realised that they not only both lived in Cardiff, South Wales, but they lived in the same street and their houses were only 7 doors from each other. They are now engaged and planning to marry soon.

The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is a world famous landmark, but is also notorious for the number of suicides committed by people jumping because of its 245 feet height from the water beneath. If the fall doesn’t kill jumpers they usually drown due to the strong currents and white sharks have been seen patrolling the waters as well. Since opening in 1937 more than 2,000 people have killed themselves by jumping from the bridge even though the bridge has security hotlines and patrols on constant alert. Now further steps are being taken by the addition of a giant safety net slung underneath the bridge to catch any potential suicides.

One or two prisons have been converted into rather bizarre hotels for those wanting something a little different, but they have always been empty of prisoners and abandoned when paying guests have used them. Now one prison is preparing to open up its doors to paying diners. The prisoners will prepare the diners meals, often using vegetables from the prison gardens and the guests will be served to sumptuous four course meals at a bargain price. However, the dining room will be kept locked while diners eat and they will under go a thorough body search before entering. The project is intended to help train more than 300 inmates a year in the field of catering as well as improving the publics image of ex-convicts when they do eventually get released.

The weather seems to be changing the months for each season, but so is commerce. We are all used to seeing Christmas decorations weeks before Xmas, but one town has hung up its Yuletide decorations before Bonfire Night and even Halloween this year. Even though it is still early in October the town of Coleford has been festooned with Christmas figures and tinsel much to the disgust of some local people.

A new type of missile is being developed nicknamed the Lurker Bomb, because it can track and circle targets for up to 10 hours before being instructed to strike a target. Although it has only relatively small explosive power its pin-point accuracy means that is far more effective than larger more conventional missiles and is less likely to harm innocent civilians that may be close to the target. The fact that several missiles can be launched hours before deployment also reduces the need for an air back up for ground based troops when military action is planned.

Fireman in Taiwan who caught a venomous foot long snake kept it in a wire cage as a pet. They decided to feed the viper a live mouse which they threw into the cage. After a fierce 30 minute struggle the watching firemen were amazed to see the outcome as the mouse killed the poisonous snake with frantic bites from its tiny teeth.

A 75 year old pensioner boarded the wrong train (she had bought a ticket for a later one) and was in tears as the guard demanded payment of £115. A fellow passenger witnessed her plight and tried to talk the guard into leniency for the honest mistake, but was told not to interfere. The 32 year old then held a whip round among other passengers to raise the money. The correct payment was made, but on arrival the young man was met on the platform at Euston by transport police who were not pacified until other passengers joined in the mans defense.

A 62 year old woman was left covered in blood with chest injuries, cuts and grazes after a 400 lb dolphin leapt out of the water and landed in the families boat in Florida. With much effort, two men, who were also in the boat, managed to get the wildly thrashing Dolphin back in the water. Experts said that they had never heard of it happening before and were baffled by the behaviour.

St Pancras Station is installing a large freeze that sums up modern Britain. The half million pound images include a “Hoodie” sticking up one finger in a rude gesture at observers, a skeleton at the wheel of a train, a vagabond carrying a bottle and a couple in an intimate position.

Scientists have long been able to take stem cells from embryos developing from eggs in a woman, but until now have not had a suitable alternative source for men. A breakthrough now means that suitable cells can be taken from a mans testes that can be used in the same way to grow spare part tissue from the donor to be used in the donor without fear of rejection.

After 28 years the only surviving terrorist of the Iranian Embassy incident is going to be released to live on benefits. He will not be allowed to work, but will not be forcibly deported for fear that his Human Rights will be infringed as Iran, his home country, want to make him stand trial there, after which they will probably execute him. The fact that our country will not deport him is likely to cause a diplomatic row with Iran as well, because they have demanded his return. A Tory MP said the situation is utter madness.

A 64 year old market trader pensioner has been forced to pay almost £5,000 in legal costs after being convicted of selling vegetables in pounds and ounces instead of Kilos, although the E.U., who brought in the regulations in 2000, said last year, that Britain would not be forced to adopt the Metric measurement systems. An E.U. commissioner stated last year that the E.U. never meant to criminalize traders who sold goods in Imperial weights. The woman said that she has been given a conditional discharge, will have a criminal record and she also said that she was only doing what thousands of other traders in London do all the time.

Fat Boy, the pony, lived up to his name after breaking out of his stabling  in the middle of the night and then gorging himself on fallen apples in someone’s garden. He ate so many of the fermenting apples that he became tipsy, lost his footing at the edge of a swimming pool and fell in. The householder heard a noise, went outside to investigate and then called a fire crew to rescue the 12 year old pony. To calm the panicking pony the lady fed him more apples until help arrived.

An allotment holder was fed up with thefts of tools and vegetables from his shed and crops, so he strung a strand of barbed wire round his patch to deter the midnight raiders. Unfortunately the council told him to remove the 3 feet high single strand in case thieves hurt themselves on the wire and sued the council. Another council told allotment holders to leave their shed unlocked so that burglars would not damage the council owned sheds when they broke in to steal tools etc. Another gardener was also in the news after he was prosecuted for carrying dangerous weapons in his van. He was a professional gardener and the weapons were gardening knives, a scythe and an axe. One homeowner thought he was doing the right thing by replacing an old fence that was becoming dangerous due to its poor state. He replaced it with another wooden fence in exactly the same position. The council did not approve saying that he should have had planning permission, because since the original old fence had been erected, regulations had changed resulting in the fact that it was now in the wrong place and was the wrong height under current regulations. The council will not grant planning permission and have told him to take it down. Yet another gardener got into trouble for removing litter from and weeding the strip of land in front of his house and then cultivating the grass to make a tidy border. The council sent a letter stating that the grass was too well kept and would discourage people from walking on it. They also told him that if he did not return the border to its original state contract workers would be sent in to do the work and he would have to pay the bill. Did they really mean that workmen were going to dig up a tidy lawn, replant weeds and scatter litter to return the patch to its original state???