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An expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make was walking down the high street one day and happened to look into a record shop. In the window was a new record which had all the sounds of European wasps on it. He thought "I must have that," so he went into the shop and asked if he could listen to a few minutes of the record. The assistant put it on and told him to go into a booth. The expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make listened to the record and came out shaking his head. He said "I don't recognize any of the sounds on that record and I am an expert on the sounds that wasps make." The assistant said "I'll play a few more minutes of it." After a few more minutes the expert came out and said "I'm an an expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make but I don't recognize anything on that record."
The assistant looked at the record and then exclaimed, "I'm sorry, I have been playing you the Bee side."

A man started work in a butchers and he was told to slice some bacon on the machine. He was a bit clumsy and unfortunately he cut off all his fingers on the very sharp slicing machine. He went to the hospital straight away and the doctor examined him and said, "You have cut your fingers off very cleanly, it's a shame that you did not bring them because we could have sewn them back on."
The man replied, "I would have done but I could not pick them up!"

Jeremy Clarkson and Kate Moss were talking and Jeremy said, "You don't know who I am do you?"
"No," replied Kate.
Jeremy said, "I do Top Gear."
"That's a coincidence because I do top gear as well," replied Kate, "Have you got 4 grams to spare?"

An Irishman wearing nothing but Wellingtons goes up to the top of a block of flats and jumps off. The Police and some eyewitnesses are standing round the body talking when a Policeman says, "It looked as though he committed suicide then. He went up to the top and just jumped."
Then one of the dead mans friends came up to the little group and said, "He did not commit suicide. He thought he could fly."
"But he had no wings," said the Policeman, "He was just wearing Wellingtons."
"I know," replied the dead mans friend, "Someone told him earlier this morning that his grandfather flew in Wellingtons during the Second World War."

A man goes to his doctor with his knee and the Doctor examines the knee and hears a little voice that says, "Can you lend me £50 mate?"
The Doctor scratches his head and says "This is serious."
The man says to the Doctor, "That is nothing have a listen to my ankle Doc."
So the Doctor bends down and examines the man's ankle and hears another little voice that says, "Can you lend me £100 mate?"
The man asks the Doctor what is causing it and the Doctor replies, "This is most serious, I think that your leg is broke in two places." 

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, then he loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

Paddy applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he has passed a little math's test. The foreman says to paddy, " Here is the first question. Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says "Dat is easy," and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks him.
"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," Says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. Then he continues, "The second question is. Apply the same rules and illustrate the number 99 this time."
The Irishman stares into space for a minute or two and then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go." he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
The Irishman explains, "Each of da trees is dirty now, so it's dirty tree, dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss starts getting worried that he is going to have to give the Irishman the job. "Alright." he says "This is your last question. The same rules apply again but this time illustrate the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space for a long minute and then picks up the picture and draws a little misshapen blob at the base of each tree. Then he says, "Dere you go, 100."
The boss scratches his head, looks at the picture and then bursts out, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
The Irishman leans forwards and points at the little marks at the base of each of the trees. Then he says, "A little dog came along and crapped at the bottom of each tree. So now you have got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, dat makes 100.....So when do I be starting de job?"

I was banned from going into B & Q for life the other day. I went in to buy some bits and pieces when this big bloke with an orange overall came up to me and said to me “Do you want decking?”  Well I did not give him a chance, I hit him first and decked him.