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A tourist walked
into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very
life-like bronze Statue of a rat.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this
bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for
the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just
take the rat, You can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few
real rats had crawled out of the sewers and began
following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a
little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm
of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all
squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and
as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now
numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster
and faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the
pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the
water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop
owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story
then?'
'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've
got a bronze Politician, a couple of immigrants, a
football supporter, an American President and anything
French!'
An Irishman was
terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 4 weeks. The next
time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by
having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow
my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded....'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz,
I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin' '
Bob, a handsome
dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the
TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was
covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll
jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy
on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling
to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly
handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair.. Here's
your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this
earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd
do it again.'
Bob took the money......
 There
is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one £5000
and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes
out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets
new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the
works, and tells the man, "I spent the money, so I
could look pretty for you because I love you so
much."
The
second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD
player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the
man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with
the money because I love you so much."
The
third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock
market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to
the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am
investing the rest of the money for our future because I
love you so much."
The
man thought long and hard about how each of the women
spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the
biggest breasts.
 A
man goes to post a letter in the post box. As he reaches out to put the
letter in the box he slips and bangs his face badly. So badly in fact that
he breaks his nose. His bruises take some days to heal up and his nose
takes several weeks. The man has difficulty sleeping and feels very tired
and run down all the time. He goes to see the Doctor who gives him some
tablets and tells him to come back when his nose is better. The mans nose
heals a couple of weeks later and he goes to see the Doctor again. The man
says to the doctor, "I still feel run down and I'm always tired. I'm
still sleeping badly as well Doctor."
The Doctor replies, "I think I know what is wrong with you, It's Post
Nasal Depression."
Cinderella
was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the
now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair,
watching the world go by from her front porch, with a
cat called Alan for companionship.
One
sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy
Godmother. Cinderella said the "Fairy Godmother,
what are you doing here after all these years?"
The
Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you
have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I
have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything
for which your heart still yearns?"
 Cinderella
is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful
consideration and almost under her breath she uttered
her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond
comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was
turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan,
her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered
to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy God
Mother".
The Fairy
Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What
does your heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella
looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I
was young and full of the beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality,
and her beautiful youthful visage had returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been
dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality
began to course through her very soul.
Then
the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more
wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over
to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I
wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful,
and handsome young man". Magically, Alan suddenly
underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a young
man, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world
had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall
from the sky at his feet.
The
Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations,
Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a
blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into
each other's eyes.
Cinderella
sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect
young man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to
Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and
Alan held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant
in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much
as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm
breath, "I bet you regret having me neutred now,
don't you?"
A
priest was driving down the road one day when he saw a
nun walking along. The priest stopped and asked the nun
is she would like a lift. The nun said she would and
climbed into the car revealing a shapely thigh as she
sat down
. The
priest couldn't resist and placed his hand gently on her
thigh. The nun exclaimed, "Father remember Psalm
127."
The priest apologized and quickly removed his hand. A
few minutes later he slid his hand onto the nuns thigh
again. The nun said, "Father remember Psalm
127."
Again the priest removed his hand and apologized. When
the car stopped at its destination and the nun got out
she looked back wistfully and said "Father remember
Psalm 127."
The priest rushed home and looked up Psalm 127. When he
read it, it said, "Go forth and explore and you
shall be rewarded in the kingdom of heaven."
A
woman goes to the doctors. She is not very bright but
has a lot of children. "Doctor," she says,
"I have ten children and I really must not have any
more because we can't afford it. What can I do?"
The doctor carefully explains about contraception and
gives her a packet of condoms. He says to her, "Put
one of these on his organ before you have sex."
She tells him that she will and leaves. 3 months later
she goes back to his surgery and says to him,
"Doctor these condoms don't work."
The doctor asks her, "Did you do as I said?"
"Yes doctor, you told me to put one on his organ
before sex. Well we don't have an organ so I put one on
the piano but they did not work."
 Four
married blokes went fishing. After an hour, the
following conversation took place:
First bloke: "You have no idea what I had to do to
be able to come fishing this weekend. I had to promise
my wife I will paint every room in the house next
weekend."
Second bloke: "That's nothing; I had to promise my
wife I will build a new patio deck.
Third bloke: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to
promise to remodel the kitchen."
They continue fishing then realize the fourth bloke
hasn't said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't
said what you had to do to come fishing. What's did you
have to promise?"
Fourth bloke: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. It
went off, I shut it off, gave the wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or Sex?"
She said, "Wear sun-block."
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