Fred, Joe and a
Steve go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office
informs them that there is only one hotel in town with
vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by
reception that there is just one available room left in
the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only
option, they take the room for one evening and share its
only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the
morning, Fred on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I was with a beautiful lady of the night
who gave me the best manual relief ever last
night."
Steve on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!"
Joe in the middle says, "I dreamt I was
skiing."
 A
blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which
was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of
one horse and that worked great until the other horse
got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and
looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our
blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested
she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until
the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The
neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the
white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a
redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an
English Channel swim  competition. The brunette came in
first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally
reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived
with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't
want to complain, but I think those other two girls used
their arms.
A man goes into
a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his
order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the
day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman
next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress
goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next
to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili
remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your
chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The
man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the
chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed
the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into
the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah,
that's as far as I got, too."
A
couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied.
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"I know."
The old man said, "We were probably sitting here
naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered.
"What do you say...should we get naked?" Where
upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the
table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for
you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your
oatmeal!
A lady goes for
her first golf lesson. The pro says, "You've got to
hold the club like you hold your husband's organ."
She takes the club and hits the ball. He says,
"Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway.
Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your
hands, and we'll go for distance!"
 Three
Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at
the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies,
you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you
six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you
want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia
Loren" and BOOF! she's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and
BOOF! she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but
that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then
takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands
it back to her and says "No Sister, this says
'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'! "
 A
mother and her son were flying TWA from Kansas to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't
think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to
ask me?" He said that she had. So she said,
"Tell your mother that TWA always pulls out on
time."
A
jackaroo in Australia was out checking farm fences in
his ute when he hit something. He radioed the homestead
for advice. "There's a pig stuck in the bullbars
and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so
much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of
the ute there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and
shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to
get it off the bullbars and throw it into the
bush."
About 45 minutes later the jackeroo called in again,
"I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the
head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbars,
no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the
problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue
light is jammed under the wheel-arch."
TOP TEN THINGS
THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T:
10. I need to
whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office
but isn't...
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits
there.
We've all heard
the phrase: " You learn something new
everyday" Well, here's today's lesson: Think before
you speak! This actually happened at Harvard University
in October last year. In a biology class, the professor
was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A
female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I
understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as
in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor,
going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing,
the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she
realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or
rather implied), she picked up her books without a word
and walked out of class, never to return. However, as
she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was
classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her
question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste
buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not
the back of your throat."
 A
woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary
surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled
out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean,
you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and returned a
few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog
stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top
to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
head.
The vet fussed the dog and took it out, but returned a
few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the
ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and
ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100%
certifiably ..... dead." He then turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill
which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$620?" she cried, "$620 just to tell me
my bird is dead.?!!"
The vet shrugged.
"If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only
have been $20, but, .... what with the Lab report and
the Cat scan......"
 There's
nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of
other patients. I know you all have experienced this,
and here's the way one old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's
office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist
said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for
today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he
replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You
shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like
that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told
you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused
some embarrassment in this room full of people. You
should have said there is something wrong with your ear
or something and then discussed the problem further with
the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then
reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
"Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he
stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," the man replied.
Fred and Joe
are walking home after a night out and pass the bus
garage.
“Lets just steal a bus,” said Fred not wanting to
walk, and he offers to keep watch. Twenty minutes later
he looks in to see Joe flapping, “I can't find a
No.7.”
“You stupid idiot,” said Fred, “Just take a No.9
and we'll walk from the roundabout.” |
