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"Shaggy Dog Stories"

The Latest Jokes.  A Few Epitaphs

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.  Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,  "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

I was stood at the cashpoint the other day when a little old lady came up to me and asked if I would be kind enough to check her balance, so being the kind hearted person that I am, I pushed her and she fell over.

Two dyslexics in a car one said, "Can you smell petrol?"
The other said, "Don't be daft I cant even smell my name."

Accidents Do Happen.

This is supposed to be a true story from America and is quite long, but it is entertaining.

A man and wife had some nice plants in pots and when they heard the weather forecast that said there could be a frost that night they brought the plants into the house. While sitting on the sofa the wife saw a small green snake come out of the pots, she let out a terrible scream. Her husband, who was in the shower, dashed downstairs dripping wet and in the nude. His wife said, “There is a snake under the sofa.” So the man lay on the floor to get at the snake. Their little dog thought it was a game and gave him a playful nip. The man thought that he had been bitten by the snake and fainted. His wife thought that he had had a heart attack and phoned for an ambulance which duly arrived. He was put on a stretcher, but as he was being carried out one of the men saw the snake coming from under the sofa and dropped his end of the stretcher and the man fell off breaking his leg. The ambulance men picked him up again and he was taken to hospital. The next-door neighbour came round to see what was going on and the lady sat on the sofa and told him about the snake. While sitting on the sofa she put her hand down between the cushions, found the snake there, screamed and passed out. The neighbour thought she needed mouth to mouth and put his lips to hers just as his wife came in. His wife thought that he was having an affair with the lady so she hit him on the back of his head with her handbag that happened to contain a large tin of carrots, it cracked his skull and he fell to the floor. His wife left the room and called another ambulance. Meanwhile the first lady had recovered and seen the neighbour unconscious on the floor so she tried to revive him by pouring some brandy into his mouth spilling quite a bit in the process. Suddenly a police car arrived and two policemen came into the house. They smelt the whiskey and saw the two women arguing and thought it was a drunken domestic until one of the policemen saw the snake appear from under the sofa. He took out his gun and shot at it, but missed and hit a small table leg that then toppled over. There was an old fashioned oil lamp on the table that was alight and it fell onto the spilt brandy which started a fire. The little dog saw the flames and panicked running out of the house and across the road causing a car to swerve and crash into the police car which burst into flames. The house was well alight before a fire engine came with a big ladder on top of it. The ladder caught on the low overhead power cables breaking them cutting of the electricity to the area. As the Fire Engine's ladder tangled in the cables it made the truck slew across the road and hit the first ambulance going the other way carrying the first man to hospital. In the ensuing accident the man received two broken ribs, a broken arm and multiple cuts and gashes to go with his already broken leg.

Finally both men came out of hospital after the house was rebuilt and the man and his wife were sitting watching the news on the television when the weather forecast was given out warning of a frost that night. The man said, “ Shall we fetch those tender plants in?” His wife looked at him, picked up a gun and shot him.

I was told the old ladies house next door to ours was untidy and she had not bought any new furniture since she had moved in. She has just sold the house and is moving out, but I have never seen anybody hire a skip to move their things instead of a removal van!

 

It just goes to show how much thought the Job Centre staff near to where I live put into their work. A young girl I know had been working as a window cleaner when she lost her job. The Job Centre asked her what experience she had got and sent her for a job as a Computer IT Consultant because she said she had got a lot of experience with Windows.

I was out walking round the village with my elderly mother the other day when she bumped into some people that she knew. They were talking about the country smells and all the flowers when I commented that, I can't smell the flowers and scents, but my mother smells a lot and she hums quite a bit as well. I quickly explained that she has a better sense of smell than me and she likes to hum songs to herself when she is happy, but I still got a clip round the ear!

 

A man made a home in a tyre. He got a puncture and then he lived in a flat.

GRANDMA'S AGE:

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

 

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees
"Yes, sir," 'the new employee replied.
"Well then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!!

 

PALM SUNDAY:
It was palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home
they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up!"

 

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
The prospective father in law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”
The surprised groom to be replied, “Well, no, I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

 

FIRST TIME USHERS:
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."

 

PRAYERS:
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating."
"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"

 

CLIMB THE WALLS:
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit!" the little boy answered.

 

THE MOOD RING:
My husband bought me a mood ring for Valentines Day so that he would be more aware of my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead!”

 

THE WATER PISTOL:
When my three year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased so I turned to mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”
Mom smiled and then replied……. “I remember.”

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