Jokes Page

STRESS REDUCTION!

DIRECTIONS;-

Place Notice On Firm Surface.
Follow Directions In Circle.
Repeat Step 2 As Necessary, Or Until Unconscious.
If Unconscious, Cease Stress Reduction!

A Few Yorkshire Jokes.

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

A Pig used to have Swine Flu, but he has been treated and he’s better now. Yes, he’s been cured …….. now he is a piece of Gammon!

A man thought that he had Swine Flu, but it turned out to be a type of Avian Fly. In actual fact it was Budgie Flu and now he has been “Tweeted!”

This joke recently made the headlines courtesy of BT who suspended many of their workers over it;-
There are 3 Irishmen at the top of a cliff. The first one jumps holding on tight to a budgie, thinking he is "budgie-jumping." The second man jumps with a gun in his hands and shoots a parrot on the way down, as he is "parrot-shooting." The third man leaps holding on to a chicken because he is "hen-gliding".

An old man walks up to Number 10 Downing Street and is met by the Policemen on duty at the Prime Ministers black door. The old man asks the Duty Policeman, "Can I see Mr. Blair, The Prime Minister, please?"
The Policeman replies, "I am sorry sir, Mr. Blair is no longer the Prime Minister."
The next day the old man walks up to Number 10 Downing Street again and is met by the Policemen on duty at the Prime Ministers black door. The old man again asks the Duty Policeman, "Can I see Mr. Blair, The Prime Minister, please?"
The Policeman replies, "I am sorry sir, Mr. Blair is no longer the Prime Minister as I told you yesterday."
The third day the old man walks up to Number 10 Downing Street and is met by the same Policemen on duty at the Prime Ministers black door. The old man again asks the Duty Policeman, "Can I see Mr. Blair, The Prime Minister, please?"
The Policeman replies, "I am sorry sir, Mr. Blair is no longer the Prime Minister as I told you yesterday and the day before. Don't you understand what I am saying to you? This is the third time that I have told you."
The old man replies, "Yes, of course I understand you, I just like to hear you keep saying it. Its very reassuring to hear you say that at the start of every day!!!!!"
"See you again tomorrow, Sir," says the Policeman with a grin.

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. The Doctor told the man "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
The Irishman returned to his Doctor after 2 weeks and he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
"Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from the f**kin' skippin' "

These first two notices were seen in the Greyhound Inn at Yarlet Bank between Stafford and Stone. (Click for link)

Business Hours
Open most days about 10 or 9, occasionally as early as 7, but some days as late as 12 or 1.
We close about 5-30 or 6, occasionally 4 or 5, but sometimes as late as 11 or 12. Some days or afternoons we aren't here at all and lately I've been here just about all the time except when I'm someplace else, but I should be here then too!

(Notice In Pub By Phone.)
Charges For Answering The Telephone to Wives And Girlfriends;-

A man is exploring some ancient caves in the Middle East when his torch light sparkles on a shiny object. He gets closer to it and sees that it is an old lamp. Curious, he picks it up and rubs some of the dust off it. Hey Presto, a Genie pops out in a cloud of smoke.
The Genie says, "I will give you 3 wishes, but there is a catch. Everything I give you will be given to every politician in the World as well, but for them I will double the gift."
The man pauses a moment and then says, "I can live with that."
"OK then what is your first wish?" asks the Genie.
The man replies, "I want a million pounds in my bank account."
There is a flash and then the Genie says, "You have a million pounds in your bank account and all the politicians in the world have 2 million pounds in their bank accounts."
The man says, "I would like a beautiful young blonde wife for my second wish."

There is a flash and the Genies says You have a beautiful young blonde wife and all the politicians in the World have two each."
The Genie asks, "What would you like for your last wish?"
The man pauses and then says, "For my last wish I would like to donate one of my kidneys."

A man goes into hospital and he is definitely a contender for the Victor Meldrew Pain In The Arse Award. He makes a real nuisance of himself asking the nurses to fetch this and that for him while complaining all the time. In the end all the nurses try to avoid him if they can and only one nurse goes in to him regularly to fetch an carry for him. He moans at her constantly and makes her life a misery while he is making a long term recovery from his operation and subsequent infection. After two weeks of constant moaning the nurse goes into the patient and tells him that she wants to take his temperature. The man opens his mouth, but the nurse says she needs to take a rectal temperature reading so the man rolls over on to his tummy. The nurse moves to insert the thermometer and says that she will have to leave it in for a minute for the correct reading and that while the temperature is settling she has got something urgent to do but will be back in a minute.
The nurse departs leaving the man lying there on his tummy. The man suddenly realizes that the nurse has left the door ajar and he can hear laughter in the corridor as people are passing so he starts shouting for someone to shut the door.
A few minutes later a Doctor hears the commotion, enters the room and asks the man what is going on.
The man replies grumpily, "Haven't you ever seen anyone having their temperature taken like this before?"
The Doctor says, "No, not with a rose sticking out of their bottom!"

A grumpy, mean, miserable old man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and the man complains, "Why can't I go straight in, I've been waiting here ages?"
St. Peter replies, "Sorry, but we have to check everyone coming in here. What have you done that merits you entering Heaven? What good deeds have you done lately?"
The man moans and says, "You ought to know. You work for God. He knows everything. Hurry up and let me in I want to start enjoying Heaven."
"First you have to tell me of a good deed."
"Oh alright," grumbles the miserable man. "One month ago I gave 25 pence to a charity."
St. Peter looks it up in his big book and then phones the Angel Gabriel when he can't find the entry who tells him to ask the man if he can remember any other good deeds.
The miserable old man says, "You lot must be very incompetent if you can't find that entry. Anyway about 6 months ago I gave 25 pence to a beggar on the street when it was pouring down with rain. Now find that and hurry up about it because I have been waiting here long enough."
Again St. Peter looks in his book and can't find the entry. He phones the Angel Gabriel and asks what he should do. The Angel Gabriel replies, "Give him his 50 pence back and tell him to go to Hell!"

"Can I have some Irish sausages please?" asked the Irishman walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked, 'Are you Irish?'
If I had asked for an Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?' Demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or if I asked for German Bratwurst would you ask me if I was German?'
Then warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I asked for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you?'
The assistant said, 'Well, no.'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.
"And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.
So now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says 'Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: "Because you're in Homebase"

Rule Britania.
Every English heart should be proud
Should The UK Adopt the Euro???

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were asked if they thought Britain should change to the Euro.
The result of the survey was 99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

There are 4 passengers in a small private plane including Hilary Clinton, Mr Blair, a Priest and a ten year old boy. The plane is flying high over land when the pilot has a heart attack and dies. The passengers can only find 3 parachutes so they decide that someone will have to stay on the plane when it crashes. Mr Blair grabs a parachute, puts it on quickly and jumps saying, "I can't die because I am very important and Europe can't manage without me because I am the President of Europe."
Hilary Clinton grabs a pack and jumps next shouting behind her, "I am America's cleverest woman and most important person because I am going to be the next President of the USA."
The Priest says to the little boy, "Young man, your life is more important than mine, because you have your life in front of you and could become anything and I am only a humble Priest, so you had better take the last parachute."
The 10 year old boy says, "Don't, worry Father EVERYTHING will be all right, there are still two parachutes left, because America's cleverest woman and most important person grabbed my back-pack instead of a parachute when she jumped."

Two well to do middle aged Ladies are visiting their Scouser friend in Liverpool and they are sitting round the table talking about their children. The first one says, "My husband is Scottish, so when our son was born on St Andrews day we named him Andrew."
The second Lady says, "Yes, we did the same thing, but my husband is English and my son was born on St Georges day so we named him George."
Their Scouser friend pipes up, "We did that same thing as well and I've just remembered it's our Pancakes birthday next Tuesday."

Two blondes went for a walk in the countryside. One said, "See those tracks over there, they're deer tracks."
"No, they are not!" said the other. "They are obviously badger tracks."
"Let's go over for a closer look then" said the first.
"OK" said the other so they did. They then started to argue.
"Badger."
"Deer."
"Badger."
"Deer."
"Badger!"
"Deer!!"
"Badger!!!"
..and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Duck walks into a hardware shop. "Do you sell matches?" asks the duck.
"No," says shopkeeper, so duck leaves.
Next day the duck again enters the hardware shop and asks, "Do you sell matches?"
Again the shopkeeper replies to the negative so duck walks out. Next day duck again walks into hardware shop and asks for matches. By now shopkeeper is pissed off and says, "Ask me for matches again and I'll nail your beak to the counter. Get out!"
Next day duck walks into hardware store and asks "Do you sell nails?"
Shopkeeper replies, "No, I've just sold out."
"Oh good," says duck. "Do you sell matches?"

A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed his town. Two men in a rowboat came to his house and offered to take him to safety. "No thank you", the man said. "God will help me."
As the waters rose, the man retreated to the second story of his house. Now, two men in a motor-boat came by and offered to rescue him. Again, the man declined, saying, "No thank you, God will help me."
As the waters rose still higher, the man retreated again to the rooftop of his house. A helicopter came by, and someone inside it threw down a rope, urging the man to grab it and be pulled up into the helicopter.
Once more, the man declined and said, "No thank you, God will help me."
Whereupon a mighty voice called out to the man, "You idiot! I sent you a rowboat, a motor-boat, and now a helicopter. What more do you want me to do?".

Two flies were sitting on a tea cup. Which one lost its temper first?
The one that flew off the handle.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

A coach traveling back from a friendly football match in the south of Spain is carrying 60 Liverpool football fans along some mountain roads when it has a crash and goes over a steep drop into a ravine. The fans are all killed and arrive at the Pearly Gates where St Peter meets them. He asks who they are and why there are so many of them. Then he tells them that only 10 can be admitted to Heaven at one time. The others will have to go down below. The spokesman for the group protests, so St Peter says he will have to seek advice from God on what to do. St Peter disappears to find God and comes back after a heated discussion with God. When he goes back to the Pearly Gates where he left the Liverpool football fans he finds them missing, so he returns immediately to God. "God," St Peter says, "When I went back to the Pearly Gates where I left the Liverpool football fans they were gone."
"What all 60 Liverpool fans?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy, and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves here?"
Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his eyes, and said,
"Your house."

Two naughty boys, Johnny and Sammy were forever getting told off by their Mother for misbehaving. The boys were playing in the garden when the local Vicar called on their Mother. She told him how naughty they were and he said that he would tell them a lesson about how good people are rewarded by going to heaven. The Mother called in little Sammy and the Vicar said to him, "Do you remember Jesus? Do you know where he has gone?"
Sammy sat there quietly.
The Vicar asked again more insistently, "Do you know where Jesus has gone?"
Sammy sat there not saying a word.
The Vicar asked again even more insistently, "Do you know where Jesus is?"
Sammy suddenly got up and ran out into the garden shouting , "Johnny, Jesus has gone missing and we're going to get it 'cause that Vicar thinks we know where he is!"

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike - - it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
Joe says "You're in the team on Tuesday"

3 lively young ladies were getting up to mischief and causing mayhem on a farm one fine Autumn day. One of the girls was Brunette, one Ginger and the other was a Blonde. The farmer had caught them playing in his hay barn and chased them out earlier in the morning. Later on he had seen the girls scrumping apples in his orchard and chased them across the fields and finally he cornered them in a large shed where he was storing a lot of sacks of potatoes. When he went into the building he was fuming and shouted out, "When I catch you I'll give you what for," but as he looked round all he could see were the potato sacks. Some of the sacks were obviously full of "tattys," but there were also several loose piles of empty sacks and no sight of the girls. He said to himself, "They must be hiding in these piles of empty sacks."
The angry farmer kicked the first one with his foot and the Ginger girl hiding inside it said, "Meow, meow."
The farmer muttered, "That must be a cat in there."
He kicked the next sack and the Brunette girl inside said, "Woof, woof."
The farmer muttered, "That must be a dog in there."
He kicked the third sack and the Blonde girl hiding inside said, "Potatoes, potatoes."

The Japanese camera manufacturers have quite a reputation for their superb technology and ever improving products. One camera maker has developed a new camera with a very fast shutter speed to improve the quality of pictures it can take. The shutter speed is so very fast that it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!!!

It was the teachers birthday and the children were queued up giving her their presents. The first little boys father owned the local sweet shop. When the teacher opened his present she found it was a large

box of chocolates. She knew the second little boys mother owned the local florists and as she expected she got a large bouquet of flowers. The third little boys father owned the local off license so she expected something nice to drink. The little boy put a big box on her desk and she saw it was leaking. The teacher dipped her finger into it and licked it. She asked the boy, "What's in the box? Is it a crate of wine?"
"No Miss," replied the little boy.
The teacher put her finger in to the fluid and licked it again. "Is it Champagne in the box?"
"No Miss," replied the little boy.
The teacher put her finger in to the fluid and licked it again. "Is it Whiskey in the box?"
"No Miss," replied the little boy. "It's a puppy."

There were two eggs rolling around in a saucepan of water. The ring was turned on and the water was coming up to the boil. The first egg said to the second egg, "It's getting hot in here isn't it? I wish they would take me out of here."
The second egg replied, "Yes it is getting a bit warm, but you are much better staying in here as long as you can because when they take you out they bash in your head!"

The cursor has disappeared from my screen. what should I do?

Move the Mouse about and see if it comes back onto the screen.
Nothing happens the screen just stays blank.
The screen is blank. Do you mean it is black and not lit up?
Yes.
Is there a little light, usually red or green on the case of the Monitor at the bottom of the screen?
No.
Can you check that the leads are all plugged in tight to the back of the Monitor and Computer?
No.
No they aren't in or you can't check?
No I can't check because I'll fall of my chair if I try and look round the back.
Try moving the computer slowly and gently so that you can see.
I still can't see because it's too dark by the computer as there is only a tiny window on the other side of the room and it does not let in much light.
Get up and switch on the light so that you can see.
It does not work.
Is the bulb broken?
No.
Are the lights on in the houses round you.
No.
I know what the problem is. Have you got the boxes that the Computer came in?
Yes they are in the garage.
Go and fetch them and carefully pack it all away, then take all the boxes back to the shop where you bought it from.
Is it that serious? What shall I tell them at the shop?
Tell them that you are too bloody thick to own a Computer!

It was in America during the Prohibition era when Al Capone was heard talking to his henchman. Al Capone said, "I hear there's a new Chinese Restaurant opened up down the block. How about you and me try it out this evening?"
The henchman replies, "I don't know nothing about Chinese food Al. Them Chinese eat Bean Sprouts don't they?"
Al responds, "I don't know either but that's OK, I'll look it up in the international food guide."
So that evening the pair go to the Chinese restaurant and order their meal. They eat the meal and then Al Capone gets up and shoots everybody in the restaurant and leaves. Outside the two men are talking and the henchman asks Al, "Why did you shoot up the place Al?"
Al Capone replies, "I looked up them Beans in the good food guide and it said, "Eat shoots and leaves." So that's what I does, I Eats, Shoots and Leaves."

An English teacher was at school one day with his class of young pupils and decided to set them a simple comprehension test. He said, "Class I want you to construct a short paragraph or phrase with these words in. Defence, Detail and Defeat . You have five minutes."
The teacher expectantly asked the first little boy who had eagerly put up his hand to say he had completed the task, "Tell me what you have written."

The little boy hesitated and replied, "De cat jumped over de fence and de tail followed de feat."

I went to the Pizza Parlour the other day and it was full of policemen. They had got the kitchen all roped off and there was a body lying on the floor. One of the coppers came up to me and said, “Sorry there will be no pizzas today because we found the cook lying dead on the floor. He was covered from top to toe in slices of tomato, peppers and salami and he was sprinkled in grated cheese. We think he topped himself.”

6. There will be no remarks about the water content of the beer or the floating flies – they are full of vitamins.

8. Do not drop cigarette ends on the floor as they burn our customers who leave on their hands and knees.

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