"Shaggy Dog Stories"

A Few Epitaphs That

May Entertain You!

Name and Date Unknown
(C20th)

______

  He passed the bobby without any fuss,
And he passed the cart of hay,
He tried to pass a swerving bus,
And then he passed away.  

Charlotte Greer
(Died 1900)

__________

  Here lies the body of Charlotte Greer,
Whose mouth would stretch from ear to ear.
Be careful as you tread this sod
For if she gapes, your gone, by God!

John Gill
(unknown date)

__________

  Beneath this smooth stone by the bone of his bone
Sleeps Master John Gill;
By lies when alive this attorney did thrive,
And now he lies dead he lies still.

John Cruker
Bellows maker of Oxford

___________

  Here lieth John Cruker, a maker of bellows,
His craft’s master, and king of good fellows;
Yet when he came to the hour of his death,
He that made bellows could not make breath.

Emily White
Huddersfield, C20th

__________

Here lies the body of Emily White,
She signalled left and then turned right.

Elizabeth Alleyn
(died 1652) Norfolk

_________

Death here advantage hath of life I spy
One husband with 2 wives at once may lie.

Groucho Marx
(1895-1977)

________

  Here lies Groucho Marx
And lies and lies and lies
P.S. he never kissed an ugly girl.

King Charles II
(1630-85)

________

God bless our good and gracious King,
Whose promise none relied on;
Who never said a foolish thing,
Nor ever did a wise one.

Martha Dias
(1730-1800)

________

  Here lies the body of Martha Dias,
Who was always uneasy and not over pious.
She lived to the age of threescore and ten,
And gave that to the worms she refused to the men.  

Mike O’Day
(unknown C20th)

________

  This is the grave of Mike O’Day
Who died maintaining his right of way.
He right was clear his will was strong.
But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong.

Richard Hind
(C19th)

________

  Here lies the body of Richard Hind,
Who was neither ingenious, sober, nor kind.  

Name Unknown
(C18th)

_______

  Here lies my poor wife, much lamented,
She is happy and I am contented.

Ann Jennings
(C19th)
_________

Some have children, some have none;
Here lies the mother of twenty one.

Elizabeth Charlotte

(unknown)

__________

Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
She was aye a virgin at seventeen
A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.

Name unknown
(C19th)
__________

Here lies my dear wife, a slattern and a shrew.
If I said I regretted her, I should lie too.

John Macfarlane
(Date unknown)
__________

  Erected to the memory of
John Macfarlane
Drowned in the waters of Leith
By a few affectionate friends.  

Unknown

__________

Here lies a lewd fellow, who, while he drew breath,
In the midst of his life was in quest of his death;
Which he quickly obtained for it cost him his life,
For being in bed with another man’s wife.