MORE FUNNIES

A man's wife is lying on her death bead and as her husband approaches her quietly, she tells him to look under the bed and take out a box. This he husband dutifully does and opening it he sees 3 eggs and £8,000 in cash. Puzzled he asks what the eggs are for and she replies, "All the years we were married, whenever we had sex and it was no good for me, I put an egg in the box."
At this revelation her husband said, " With only 3 eggs after 30 years of marriage we must have had a lot of very good sex, but where did all the cash come from?"
His wife quietly replied, "Not really, you see whenever I had collected a dozen eggs I sold them, hence cash!"

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules  from the male side:-

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
   

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
   

3. Saturday = SPORTS. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
   

4. Crying is blackmail.
   

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! JUST SAY IT!
   

6. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
   

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
   

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
   

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
   

10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
    

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    

12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done; Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
    

13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
    

14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
    

15. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
    

16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
    

17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    

18. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
    

19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really.
    

20. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as: Sex, Sport, or Cars.
    

21. You have enough clothes.
    

22. You have too many shoes.
    

23. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
    

24. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
    

25. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!

A man goes to his Doctors with an ear infection and explains the problem to him asking if there is anything he can do. The Doctor replies, "Yes, I have got some excellent tablets for the job, but there is a slight drawback to them. The tablets usually make you lose your voice for 24 hours when you first take them. After 2 weeks come back and see me."
The man says, "That's OK Doc, as long as I know what to expect."
After taking the tablets the man goes back and says to the Doctor, "They were great, Doc. Have you got some more please?"
The Doctor looks puzzled and asks, "Yes, of course I have, but if they were great why do you want some more?"
The man replies, "They worked fine and as you said they made me lose my voice for 24 hours, so I thought that I would give some to my wife!"

A man goes into the pub and someone walks up to him waving a little bottle of tablets under his nose. The stranger asks, "Would you like to buy some Viagra tablets. Only £100 the bottle full?"
The man replies, "Not worth it."
The stranger again asks, " I'll drop the price then, only £50 the bottle full? Would you like to buy some Viagra tablets for £50?"
The man replies, "Not worth it."
The stranger again says, "I'll drop the price again then, only £20 the bottle full? Would you like to buy some Viagra tablets for £20?"
The man replies, "Not worth it."
The stranger again asks, " I'll drop the price one more time then, only £10 the bottle full? Would you like to buy some Viagra tablets for £10? It's as low as I can go."
The man replies, "Not worth it."
The stranger says, " Viagra tablets only £10 the bottle full and you don't want them?"
The man replies, "Not worth it."
The stranger says, " Viagra tablets only £10 the bottle full and you say they are not worth it? These are expensive tablets. How can they not be worth £10 for a bottle full?"
"I mean't my wife is not worth it!"

A wife says "My husband never spends any time with me as he always goes straight out after he gets home from work, so when I die I want to be buried under the pub...............because, then I know he will come and see me and spend lots of time with me every day!"

A husband and wife were out shopping in the local supermarket when the husband placed a large multi-pack of 12 cans of beer into their trolley. His wife immediately said, "Put that back we can't afford it."
So the husband reluctantly obeyed. A little further on his wife picked up a large tub of beauty cream priced at £20 and put it in the trolley. Her husband said, "If we can't afford my beer, we can't afford your cream."
His wife replied, "You want me to look beautiful don't you?"
To which her husband responded, "Yes of course, but after 12 cans of beer you will look more beautiful to me and the beer only costs £10!"

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' 

WORDS 
A husband read out loud an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. 
The wife answered explaining, 'The reason is because we have to repeat everything to men as they don't listen... 
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. 

CREATION 
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." 
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain;- 
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" 

WHO DOES WHAT 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we wouldn't have to wait so long to get our coffee." 
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and anyway I am happy to wait for my coffee.' 
The wife replied, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' 
Husband replied, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed said . 'HEBREWS' 

The Brain Surgery

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Very Clever Woman

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. 
It's a bad one. 
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. 
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." 
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" 
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." 
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. 
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" 
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. 
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. 
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. 
"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache." 

Before marriage ...

He:     'Yes. At last. It’s so hard to wait.'
She:   'Do you want me to leave?'
He:     'No! Don't even think about it.'
She:   'Do you love me?”
He.    'Of course! Over and over!'
She:   'Have you ever cheated on me?'
He:     'No! Why are you even asking?'
She:   'Will you kiss me?”
He:     'Every chance I get.'
She:   'Will you hit me?”
He:     'Are you crazy? I'm not that kind of person!'
She:   'Can I trust you?”
He:     'Yes.'
She:           'Darling!'

After marriage ... Simply read from bottom to top.  

This is definitely another one for the Ladies.
Men  Are Just Happier People , what do you expect from such simple creatures? 
Your  last name stays put.
The  garage is all yours.
Wedding  plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate  is just another snack.
You  can be King.
You  can never be pregnant.
You  can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You  can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car  mechanics tell you the truth.
The  world is your urinal.
You  never have to drive to another public loo because this one is just  too icky.
You  don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.  
Same  work, more pay.
Wrinkles  add character.
Wedding  dress £1,000. Morning suit rental £150.
People  never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.  
The  occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.  
New  shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One  mood all the time.
Phone  conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You  know stuff about tanks.
A  five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You  can open all your own jars.
You  get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.  
If  someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.  
Your  underwear is £5 for a three-pack.
Three  pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You  almost never have strap problems in public.
You  are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything  on your face stays its original color.
The  same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You  only have to shave your face and neck.
You  can play with toys all your life.
You  have something to play with in your pocket all the time.   
Your  tummy usually hides your big hips.
One  wallet and one colour for all seasons.
You  can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You  can "do" your nails with a penknife.
You  know how wide your car is.  
You  have freedom of choice concerning growing a  moustache....
You  can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on  24th December in 25 minutes.
No  wonder men are happier.

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? 
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do. 
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. 
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). 
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan). 
WIFE: Would you live in our house? 
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? 
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? 
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? 
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. 
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. 
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: Oh Shit!

     I was reminiscing with my wife, who is now 50 years old, the other day. I said, “25 years ago I had no furniture, a tiny old flat, an old banger of a car, no money and a beautiful sexy young 25 year old blond who loved me. 25 years later I have designer furniture, a lovely big house, an expensive car, plenty of money and you. I kept up my side of the deal and obtained all the luxuries but you have just got old.”
My beloved wife replied, “If you can find a beautiful sexy 25 old blond who loves you, you can have her, but I will see to it that you will also have no furniture, a tiny flat, an old car and no money!”