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Be Warned Some Of These Jokes Are Very Rude And May Offend. Not For The Under 18's

There were two nuns with their Mother Superior driving along the motorway when they were involved in a serious accident and they were all killed. They went to Heaven and arrived at the Pearly Gates where St Peter was waiting for them. He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question. Don't worry because they are all quite easy." Then St Peter asked the first nun, "Where did Adam meet the first woman?"
The Nun replied, "In the Garden Of Eden."
"Correct," Said St Peter, "In you go." Then he turned to the second Nun and asked, "What was the name of the first woman in the garden of Eden?"
The second Nun replied, "Her name was Eve."
"Quite right," Said St Peter and then he said to the Mother Superior, "This one is a bit more difficult for you in view of your position in the Church. "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam in the garden of Eden?"
"Ooh, that's a hard one," murmured the Mother Superior.
"That is correct," Said St Peter, "In you go."

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.
A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.  Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever set his eyes on, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" 
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard," What myths are those?" 
"Well," she explains, "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek  descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos." 

 

A priest was in his church waiting for parishioners to come to the confessional and was having a few moments quiet prayer when he spotted a  tramp, who was obviously the worse for drink, enter the church and sit in a pew. The tramp slumped in his seat and appeared to go to sleep. The priest carried on with his duties and took the confessions of several people that arrived. After a while the drunken tramp woke up and went into one of the confessionals. The priest went into the other side and waited for the tramp to speak. Nothing was said so the priest shuffled about waiting for a confession. After a few minutes the priest rattled his keys to make the man realize that he was there. Finally the drunk spoke to him. “Its no good. I can’t help you, because there is no toilet paper in here either.”

 

Two lice are crawling up a naked woman's thigh and they reach her private parts. One of the lice is a crook and the other is a drug addict. How can you spot the difference?
The crook will be hiding in the bush and the drug addict will be on the crack.

A woman is standing stark naked in front of her bedroom mirror and says to her husband .... " I look horrible, I look fat and ugly!......... pay me a compliment."
Her husband replies " your eyesight's perfect!"

 

There were 4 people sitting in a railway carriage on a train, a Welshman, an Englishman, an old lady and a pretty young lady. The train went through a short tunnel and there was a loud slap. As the train came into the light the old lady thought to herself, "One of those men must have touched up that young lady." 
The young lady thought to herself, "I can't believe that one of those men touched up that old lady."
The Welshman thought, "If that Englishman does that again he'll get another slap."

What have sperm and asylum seekers got in common ?
They come in thousands but only one works.

 

Two  old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when  it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off  the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude
:  What the hell is that?
Mable
:  A condom.  This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Maude
:  Where did you get it?
Mable
:  You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day,
Maude
hobbles off to the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
 

DO

YOU KNOW

WHAT HAPPENS AT NIGHT

ON 

YOUR DESK

WHEN

YOU

TURN YOUR

COMPUTER

OFF AND

YOU GO HOME?

?
?
?
?
?
?

SO WASH YOUR HANDS!

Little Johnny arrives home from school early one day and goes upstairs. He hears some groaning from his mom and dads room so he looks through the door and sees his mom sitting astride his dad frantically going up and down. "What are you doing mom?" he asks.
His mom replies, "I am trying to rub away your daddy's tummy."
Johnny says, "I wouldn't bother mom because when you are out the nice lady from next door comes round, gets down on her knees and puts daddy's thing in her mouth and blows it up again."

An old man lived in the next village to us. He was aged 95 and very fit. He used to make love to his 40 year old wife regularly and used the peal of the church bells to pace himself. The Doctor said at his inquest, "He would still be alive today if the ice cream van had not gone past." 

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