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THE ENGLISH PENNY - EUROPEAN DIRECTIVE 

The English Penny;- 
E.U. Directive No. 456179. 
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009. 

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating.'

Thank you for your attention.

A Welsh soldier joins the Foreign Legion and goes on his first campaign in the desert. The troops have only the barest equipment and no luxuries. They have to walk everywhere as they have no vehicles and there is no entertainment in the camp at all. The new recruit is being shown his billet by the Sergeant when he spots a single Camel tied up.
"What's the Camel for Sergeant?" he asks.
"The men have no other way of getting their entertainment as there are no women in the camp," the Sergeant replies.
"I understand Sergeant." The soldier thought to himself that back in the Valleys they often used sheep, but a Camel was a new one on him. Later on the Sergeant was doing his rounds when he saw the Welsh soldier standing on top of some step ladders doing the business with the Camel. The soldier called out, "Is this how you do it Serg?"
"Good God man, I mean't that you should use the camel to ride to town to find a woman!" 

 

Fred died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly... The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Joe and Sid. The three men had always done everything together. Joe arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Joe said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad... You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Joe said, 'Nope, it ain't Fred.'  The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Sid in to confirm the identity of the body.
Sid looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up... Roll him over.'  The mortician rolled him over and Sid said, 'No, it ain't Fred.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sid said, 'Well, Fred had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Fred with them two assholes.'

 

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife in the bathroom, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me properly and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
My wife wasn't sure and again shouted back, "What?"
I repeated the gestures. 
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signaled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, ........."Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!! 

 

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED 

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 
48, 58, 68, and 78 ? 
At 8  -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. 

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

 

 



At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. 

 

 

 

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

 

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. 

 

 

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading. 
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman had a cold, the man was somewhat curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. 
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man finally turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?' 
'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.' 
The man, although more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?' 
The woman nodded.
'Pepper!' 

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Cowboy to the Rescue!!!

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. 
The woman shakes her head "No"
 
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy.
 
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This makes the woman have a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

Falling Asleep At Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" 
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." 
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to
work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. 
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. 
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. 
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
 
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your butt!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.


Fallen

An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife has fallen three times this week."

Three Priests

Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. 
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover. 
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates. 
The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my face they would recognize."

 

An Aussie is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Aussie ignores the American who, never the less, starts a conversation. American: "You Aussie folk eat the whole bread??" Aussie (in a bad mood): "Of course." American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American has a smirk on his face. The Aussie listens in silence. The American persists: "Do 'ya eat jam with the bread??" Aussie: "Of course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left-overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Australia." The Aussie then asks: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk. Aussie: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" American: "We throw them away, of course." Aussie: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."

 

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shat On my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air.

THREE LITTLE DUCKS

Three little ducks go into a Bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.  What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," said duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says “You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense it carries you back into the window”. The Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.
The second man says “What? Are you insane? There’s no way that could happen!” 
"No, it’s true" said the first man, “Let me prove it to you”.
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him in the window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second man is astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must’ve been a fluke. That was scientifically impossible!”
“No, I’ll prove it again” says the first man as he jumps.
Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the heck,” the second guy says, “I’ve seen that it works, so I’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges downwards …..his body hits the pavement with a loud “SPLAT”
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says ……..
"You know, Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re pissed!"

 

 

 

 


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and  he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
 

An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?"

Apple computers announced today the development of a computer chip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music. The I-breast will cost 399 euro and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always moaning that men just stare at their breasts and never listen to them.

 
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The  smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."