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Extract from the Latest Romance Novel...With writing like this there really is no need for pictures...
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun inched into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been.
She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, ‘Baaaaaaa’ and rejoined the flock.
This book is only for sale in New Zealand, Australia and Wales.  

One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. 
Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." 
Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched" 
Last is little Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story... Chris replies, 
"Don't fuck with my Uncle."

This JellyBean walks into a bar and gets talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?" JellyBean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So JellyBean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me." and off they went. After a few more beers in the club, three Vapour Drops walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Vapour Drops take one look at JellyBean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walked out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?" "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Vapour Drops are fucking menthol !!!"

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' arse it won't be Coco Pops."

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." 
The hippie of course says, "I'd love to know." 
So the bus driver tells him, " Every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." 
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. 
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her veil and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

Who’s A Clever Boy Then?

A little boy is causing trouble for his teacher in a Grade one class, so she asks him a couple of math's questions to try and catch him out and embarrass him into keeping quiet. “Johnny, what is 3 X 3?
Johnny says, “That’s easy Miss, nine.”
“OK, tell me what is 5 X 7?”
Johnny replies, “That’s still too easy Miss, the answer is 35. I should be in Grade 3 because this class is too easy for me. I’m cleverer than my sister and she is in Grade 2.”
The teacher says, “That’s enough, come with me to the Headmaster and he can deal with you.” So they go to the Heads office and the teacher explains how cheeky Johnny has been and how he thinks he’s too good for class. The Headmaster says, “Johnny, I’ll ask you some questions to see how clever you are. What is 7 X 9?”
“Easy Sir, 63.”
“What is 11 X 9?”
“I know that Sir. The answer is 99.”
The lady teacher pipes up “I’ll ask him some tougher ones. Johnny, what has a woman got two of and a cow has 4?”
Johnny says, “Legs Miss.”
“All right, what has a man got two of and a woman doesn’t have any?”
“That’s easy Miss, the answer is pockets.”
“Johnny, what are big and round and firm and hard when they are young and go all soft and squashy when they are old?”
The Headmaster is beginning to sweat by now with the expected answers to the questions. The little boy says, “Melons, Miss.”
“What get longer and bigger as they mature and shrivel when they get old?
“Cucumbers, Miss.”
The teacher asks the next question, “What is round and hairy on the outside with milky stuff on the inside, begins with a C and ends with a T?”
“A coconut, Miss”
By this time the Head has sweat dripping off his forehead but the young teacher goes on. “What goes in all pink and hard and comes out all sticky and limp?”
“Chewing gum, Miss.”
“What do you get when you are all hot and excited and hear bells. It begins with an F and ends with a K.”
“Fire Truck, Miss.”
The Headmaster stops the proceedings, mops his sweating brow and says, “That’s enough, never mind Grade 3 Johnny should
go into Grade 5 at least because he got everyone right and I got the last 7 wrong!”


An Unfortunate Golfer.

A man is in the Hospital Casualty Unit. He has a black eye, badly swollen face and a golf club wrapped round his neck. A Doctor comes up to him and asks what happened to him. The injured man replies, "Well, I was playing golf with my wife and we both sliced our balls into a field full of cows next to the golf course. We climbed over the low fence into the field and started looking for our balls. When I glanced at one of the cows I saw a little white speck in its bottom that looked like a golf ball. I walked up to it and lifted its tail to get a better look. The white spot was a golf ball wedged firmly in the cows bottom and when I looked closely I saw it had my wife's initials on it, so I held the cows tail up and called out to my wife, "This looks like yours dear....... I don't remember anything after that 'till I woke up here in casualty."

With all this genetic engineering a farmer has found a new crop to grow in his fields. In fact he has made history by growing the first ever crop of genetically engineered dildos. Unfortunately he has had a problem with squatters in his fields.

A  Modern Day Cowboy.

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie, "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an Inland Revenue genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I wish that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,  "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story is: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!

A Lady was given a female parrot as a pet and was told that it was a good talker. When she settled the parrot in at her house it started to talk, but all it kept saying was, “I am a prostitute. Do you want to have a good time with me?” She tried get it to stop saying it and tried to teach it say other things, but it would not and she was at a loss what to do. One day she was telling the Vicar about the parrot when he commented that he had a male parrot that was very quiet and religious as all it did every day was to say prayers. He said that if the two parrots were put together, his, being a dominant male, might teach her female parrot new ways. The two parrots were carefully placed in a large cage together and as predicted the female parrot said, “I am a prostitute. Do you want to have a good time with me?” The Vicar and lady watched holding their breath in great expectation and the male parrot looked heavenwards, clasped his wings together and said, “Thank you Lord my prayers have been answered.”

A teacher is in class with his pupils and he asks them what their daddies jobs are. The first one, Billy replies, "My dad is a Judge and he sends all the bad men to prison and he earns lots of money and we have a big house."
The teacher turns to Freddy and asks him. Freddy replies, "My dad has got his own business and he employs lots of people and he makes lots of money as well."
"Very good," says the teacher, "And what does your daddy do Sally?"
Sally replies, "My daddy is a research biologist and he discovers new treatments for diseases so that people can get better when they are sick. He earns lots of money as well and we have got a big house."
The teacher says to Johnny, "You are very quiet Johnny, what does your daddy do?"
Johnny replies, "My daddy is a drag queen and he goes round all the gay clubs performing rude acts on the stage. He gets paid very well for it and sometimes some of the men in the audience ask him back to their houses to perform special acts for them. If they do he gets paid an awful lot of money and we have got a big house and lots of cars."
"Thank you Johnny. The class may now leave but before you go Johnny I would like a word with you please." Johnny stops behind and the teacher says to him, "Johnny, is your daddy really a drag queen?"
"No," Replies Johnny, "but I would have been too embarrassed to tell the truth because the other boys would have made fun of me because my daddy is a failure and doesn't earn much money."
"You should not be ashamed of your father Johnny. What does he do that is so bad?"
"He plays cricket for England, Sir"

A Doctor went to see a Psychiatrist with a dilemma. "I don't know what to do," the Doctor said, "I've done a terrible thing. I've had sex with one of my patients."
The Psychiatrist tried to re-assure the doctor, "It's not so bad really, these things happen sometimes because of the emotional trauma that a patient can go through and the natural concern that a Doctor has for his patient. After all you aren't married and you are a healthy young man."
The Doctor replied, "I do understand what you are saying but, I am not a regular Doctor, I am a Vet."


If God made the front of women, who made the back?
Answer; It must have been the Council, because only the Council would put a shit hole next to a play area!

I was visiting one of my mates the other day because he was off work with bad feet. While we were chatting he asked me to fetch his slippers from upstairs. I went upstairs and while I was looking for his slippers I glanced through an open bedroom door and saw his two beautiful twin 18 year old daughters lying on their beds in just their knickers and bras listening to music. I went in and said to them, "Get your knickers off girls because your dad has just told me to fuck both of you."
One of the girls replied, "That's nonsense, he wouldn't do that."
"I'll prove it to you." I replied and called downstairs, "John, I've found them, one or both?"
He replied, "Both of them of course, fucking one's no good is it?

How to Treat a Rude Customer

An award should go to the gate attendant at Brisbane New International airport. A crowded Singapore -London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.”

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