Shaggy Dog Stories

A man was broke so he decided to take out a life insurance on his wife and then get a hit man to bump her off. After some research he found a local hit man who went by the name of Arti. He arranged to meet Arti in a quiet, small pub and told him what he wanted to do. Arti said to the man, "It'll cost you £5,000 for a hit on your wife."
To which the man replied, "I don't know how I can pay you, because I've got no money, that's why I want my wife bumped off so I get the insurance money. Look, I've only got a one pound coin in my pocket and that's it."
Arti replied, "O.K. I'll take the pound as a down payment and have the rest after the contract is fulfilled."
They agree and Arty starts to follow the mans wife so that he can pick a suitable time for the hit. Early one morning the wife decides to go to Tescos and do an early shop before she goes to work. Arti follows her in and spots her behind some tall stands. The shop is deserted, so he creeps up behind her, puts his hands round her throat and chokes her. After the dirty deed, he looks round and sees an assistant behind him who has witnessed it all, so he chokes him as well. Unfortunately for Arty the hidden security cameras capture everything and he is caught by the police. The next day the newspaper headlines read;-
Arti Chokes Two For A Pound In Tescos!

A man went to his doctors with a sore throat so the Doctor decided to examine it thoroughly and to do this he needed to place a large special instrument down the mans throat. The Doctor said to the man, "I will need to anaesthetize your throat because when I put this down inside your throat it will hurt you quite a bit. The effect of the anesthetic will last for over one hour. Now the only problem is that you will not be able to talk at all until the effects wear off completely so anything you need to say to me must be said before I give you the injection. Do you understand the implications and if you do, do you have any questions?"
"Yes Doctor I fully appreciate what you are saying and have only one question for you."
The Doctor says, "Good, I am glad you fully understand. Now what do you want to know?"
"Doctor, where can I get some of that special anesthetic from so that I can give it to my wife occasionally to shut her up!"

Fred was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Fred opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, 'Is someone in your house?' 
Fred replied 'No'. The Police Officer then said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. Fred said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' 
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at Fred's house and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to Fred; 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
Fred said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!' 

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. 
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. 
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers," men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific women to whom they would never normally be attracted. 
After drinking "Beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly What happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." 
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.



Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Staffordshire. 
Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching. 
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. 
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. 
The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. 
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! 
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." 
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."



A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" 
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed, dissipated drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" 
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" 
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" 
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" 
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!" 



A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that his octopus can play any musical instrument in the world. Everybody laughs and calls him an idiot, so he says that he will bet £50 that nobody has an instrument that the octopus can't play. 
A guy walks up with a guitar and the octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his £50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then puts them down with a confused look. 
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" 
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it hell, I'm going to screw it, just as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

I read much about diets in the daily newspapers, and I have a fascinating new one which I’m sure will thrill your readers. It's called the Beer Diet. We all know that a 'calorie' is the energy needed to heat 1g or 0.0350z of water from the temperature of 21.5c to 22.5c. This Law of Thermodynamics, dictates that if we drink 200ml or 8oz of cold water at the temperature of 0 deg centigrade - and of course, this is just for the sake of my argument, so don't rush off and try it, we will need 200 calories to heat the water until the temperature reaches the point of 1c.

For a precise balance of corporal temperature, we need approximately 7,400 calories to heat 200g or 8oz of cold water to normal body temperature of 37c (200mlx37c). To keep this body temperature, our body uses the only source of energy available in our system: body fat. In fact, our body needs to consume this fat to keep the right body temperature shown by our Law of Thermodynamics. 

Now, if someone drinks a pint of beer at the temperature of 0c, this person should lose roughly 18,500 calories (500ml x 37c). But we shouldn't forget to deduct the calories for beer which are approximately 800 for each 500ml of beer intake.

For all of these reasons, we can conclude that a person who drinks a very cold pint daily may lose 17,700 calories. Clearly, the colder the beer, the better it is to burn calories.

So, why waste our time in the gym if cycling and running will consume only 1,000 calories per hour? My friends, do not be silly - losing weight can be simple and very pleasant. All you need to do is to drink lots of pints of cold beer daily and let the Law of Thermodynamics take care of the rest. Long life and health to all. What are you waiting for? Go to the pub - NOW!!!