test ease
from Elfmeter issue 46 (1996)
FC Untergrombach - Karlsruhe
SC............1:11
FC Rosbach - 1.FC Kaiserslautern...........0:11
Rot-Weiss Cuxhaven - Werder Bremen.........0:11
Ever wonder how Germany's top teams prepare themselves for the gruelling 34-match battle of strength, determination and guile that is the Bundesliga? While English teams are making summer tours of Scandinavia, or inviting other professional teams from their neck of the woods for a premature Lokalderby, or even participating in renumerative four-team tournaments with the big names from the continent, the Germans are preoccupying themselves with Testspiele, examples of which are given above. As you can see it's a Test like no other in the football world. The Testspiel, it is fair to say, marks the highlight of a Bundesliga team's pre-season training. After the initial gruelling weeks of conditioning, contract negotiation, and sponsorship deals, after all the tactics have been set and the Wunschelf has been established, the Testspiel is a sign that it's time to get down to business.
TuS
Norderney - 1.FC Köln..................1:12
SpVgg Laatzen - Arminia Bielefeld..........0:16
SG Sonnenhof-Grossaspach
- Schalke 04......1:10
Don't be lulled into thinking that these are frivolous warm-up contests, meaningless informal practice-matches dressed up as a proper game. Certainly if they were the results wouldn't be printed in Kicker, and the goalscorers wouldn't be listed. Which they are. (Well, the scorers from the Bundesliga team are, anyway.) We note, for instance, that Josef Ivanovic scored five times for Bielefeld in the maatch against Laatzen — an incredible feat, and one sure to have had spectators shaking heads in amazement. What a proud moment in his life it must have been — to score five times in a real match! Should the big Macedonian do nothing else in his entire Bielefeld career — and there are Arminia fans who would not be the slightest bit surprised were this to happen - he'll always have that five-goal Testspiel to look back on. Perhaps one day his children will even ask him, 'Papa, is it true that you once scored five times in a Testspiel?'
Union
Berlin - VfL Bochum..................1:15
Eilslebener SV - VfL Wolfsburg.............0:13
TSV Hövelhof
- Borussia Dortmund...........0:12
Notice how each Testspiel is an away match for the Bundesliga club. This is to allow the minnows the opportunity of a high-profile money-spinner — often the highlight not just of their pre-season, but their entire history ('the day the mighty VfL Bochum came to our humble town'). A Testspiel can attract crowds into double figures, with locals keen to bask in the late summer sun to watch their team reduced to the footballing equivalent of plankton — though of course never losing hope of pulling off the impossible result. Indeed, even as the match approaches injury time, they cling to the faint glimmer of hope that the home striker will abruptly discover the purple patch everyone knew he had in him and bang in a dozen or so goals in the blink of an eye, instantly becoming the toast of the community, and showered with lucrative free gifts from adoring local merchants.
SV Volpertshausen -
VfL Bochum.............2:22
Viktoria Jüterbog - Hertha BSC Berlin......1:19
SG Nordstadt Hildesheim - Hamburger SV.....0:25
'Well done lads,' said HSV Trainer Frank Pagelsdorf after the victory over Nordstadt Hildesheim. 'I would have been happy with seventeen or eighteen goals, but, hey, you racked up more than two dozen today, and that really says something about your character. Your take-no-prisoners attitude, your hunger for goals — it's that which will make all the difference in the Bundesliga when we are 6-0 down at Bayern.' As for the Nordstadt Hildesheim Trainer, well, he's only now come back down to earth after first learning his side were being selected to provide the honorary Bundesliga cannon-fodder. Now that his feet are back on the ground, he can look eagerly at the club's prospects for the coming season, knowing they warmed up by letting in a swift 25 against a collection of millionaires. The players (assuming they were players, of course, and not represented on the day by traffic cones or livestock or something) were able to leave the field with their heads held high when that final whistle blew and a reliable statistician informed them they succeeded in losing by less than 30 goals.
Similarly, the Trainer of Viktoria Jüterbog emerged with his dignity intact because his team managed to keep that psychologically critical twentieth Testspiel goal at arm's length. No doubt the players rushed home to tell their children and neighbours all about the thrill of playing a genuine first division professional team, crammed with international stars (well, all right, Hertha Berlin) — and losing by only eighteen goals. Even the goalkeeper, after counselling and a course or two of anti-depressants, should be able to lead a near-normal life before Christmas — by when we hope he'll have learned to time his summer holidays a bit more appropriately.
©1997 Elfmeter.
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