MATCHSTICK IN SPACE By Martin Churchill PART TWO - THE SEERS AND THE SHY Cast: Narrator, Werdna, Matchstick, Sid*, Sarah*, Matriarch*, MatriMum, Radio, Hector, Marco, Guard, Director --Scene One-- Millennium Banana Announcer Matchstick in Space (by Martin Churchill?) Part 2 - The Seers and the Shy Narrator In the unstylish end of the galaxy – at a place in space known only as VegePet Interim - an extremely passe ship roamed through space. This ship was a rather small one, but it and would be described by a standard human as "pretty nifty." It's features included a mobile phone enlarger, and it was owned by Werdna Weird, manager of the TWIPs - the Traditional Weekly Interstellar Postmen. The ship's name was the Millenium Bananna. It had enough accommodation to fit two or three people (or one if you asked it really nicely,) and had an on-board computer called Alice. At present, there were two beings on this ship. The first was its owner, Werdna Woog, who was slightly annoyed because he was fearful of loosing a third of his income and thus living for a third shorter. He was presently on the bridge of the ship, controlling its course: to the Planet Gerbil, home of the GOODIES. The second being on this ship was Matchstick McDoogal. He would have been even more annoyed (or 'cheesed off' as he might put it) than Werdna, should he not presently have been asleep. These reasons included (but are in no means limited to) the fact that he had just caused a governor to be kidnapped and lost his TWIP Qualification. They were both now going to Gerbil Planet to find out the seers where Eliza Cheese was taken, so they could mount a, hopefully sucessful, rescue operation. Unlike Matchstick, Werdna was enthusiasitc of this space-travelling business since - Werdna [Interrupts] This is brilliant! I haven't been soaring the space-time continiuum (in a non-taxi environment) for fifteen years! Matchstick So you've been stuck on that pathetic planet for fifteen years? But aren't you a postperson? Werdna Well, I deal more with the paperwork. Cabbage is a really lovely place, you know. Matchstick Then your loveliness measure certainly seems to be tollerant to lots of... er bad things, really. Werdna It's really not so awful - it's where I was born, brought up and, most importantly, founded the postpersons. Matchstick If you say so. Narrator Some time passed. Computer Beep beep [these words are spoken.] Werdna Ah, apparantly we're arriving in the Pet system. In twenty minutes or so we'll be at the planet Gerbil, home of the GOODIES. Matchstick The who? Werdna The GOODIES. It's an abbreviation for their full name, the General Order of Overall Dictatorship Implemented by the ExoSeer. Matchstick The ExoSeer? Werdna The boss of the soothsayers. Matchstick Ohh. Computer Beep Beep Beep "sid the seer" Beep Matchstick What's that? Werdna It appears the planet is trying to contact us... Narrator Werdna pressed some anonymous red button and the monitor in front of them burst to life. On the screen appeared Sid, the second seer encountered by Matchstick. This seer did not look at all like Stan though: He had ginger hair and glasses, and was wearing a blue Sadida jumper and whiteish jeans. The thing that really caught your notice though, was the huge "L" plate he was wearing around his neck. This was because Sid was known as a semi-seer: a seer in training that had not yet been promoted to one of the full, professional seers by the Matriarch. Sid Hello! Matchstick Hello. Sid Greetings from Gerbil! Werdna Greetings also. Sid Here at the GOODIES we are always interested in the Greater Good, and that's our great Matriarch's goal: to restore order throughout the galaxy! Matchstick Isn't that a bit ambitious? And how can you restore order to the galaxy? It's been here before? Sid Ahhh, that's why we say "sooth", and you do not. Anyway, how can we help you? Would you like a look into your future? Matchstick No- no- no- please, no. We just need your help in a trivial matter. Sid Ah, excellent, I'm good at dealing with those. Matchstick Can we land then? Sid Of course. --Scene Two-- On the Planet Gerbil Narrator Approximately one semimicrocentury later, in a small corridor in a small building on a small planet in the Pet System, three entities walked. They walked, like many others before them upon two legs and in the standard fashion: Firstly, they would put one leg some small number of picopicopicoparsecs in front of the other, and then transfer weight on to this leg. Then, they would put the leg that was further back in front of said leg, by approximately the same small number of picopicopicoparsecs as previously mentioned. This process would then repeat. These three entities, of course, were Matchstick McDoogal, Werdna Woog and Sid the Seer. Matchstick: a white-teeshirted, quite boring-looking wannabe postman; Werdna: A rather cheesed-off postal commander and Sid: the over-enthusiastic seer-in-training. The white-teeshirted one spoke: Matchstick So where are we going now? Sid To see my sister, Sarah. She's far more foreseeing than I, and she'll know where to find this Eliza person of whom you wish to rescue. Werdna And then I can continue my business of traditional weekly interstellar paperworking. Sid Well, yes, if that's what rocks your boat. Narrator The corridor they were walking down was a very clean one. On the walls were pictures of dead chickens. Just pictures, you understand - the Matriarch Would Not Allow deceased livestock on Her Premises (which was understandable.) The strange thing about the corridors, of course, were the floors: They were patterned with what appeared to be pencil sharpeners everywhere. Slightly bewildered by this, Matchstick tried to just walk on, trying not to think about what his life seemed to be coming to. Matchstick So what's it like being a soothsayer? Sid It's quite fun, actually. We get to help people and... Werdna Can you see into the future? Sid Certainly, sometimes even at a rate as fast as one second per second. We pick up the strongest signals at the closest range, though. The Real Power about here is the ExoSeer. Or the Matriarch, as she's become known to some. Matchstick Who's that? Werdna Sigh. Doesn't he listen... Sid She's the boss of the Seers. Interesting story behind it, actually. You ought to hear it some time. Aha, here we are, at Sarah's... Matchstick Ah, so the doorbells work here... Sarah Who is it? Sid It's I, your brave and courageous brother. Sarah Do I have such - oh, Sid, hi. Come on in. --Scene Three-- Sid, Sarah and a Flashback Narrator In a small room on planet Gerbil, four figures sat around a round mahogany table. They were presently drinking a liquid known as the Drink, a liquid so non-alcoholic it didn't even have a name. The new character, the soothsayer called Sarah, was approximately five foot seven point five six eight inches in height. You will notice, I use the ancient measurements of the First Imperial system - feet and inches, et cetera. This is because despite how many times the government made the metric system the Proper System (and invented super-cool measurements like the yoctofortnight) people still insisted on measuring things in 'yards' and 'miles' of which the Ancients spoke. They even refused to use prefixes, which led to people saying measurements like five billion trillion feet, which was bizarrely absurd. Sarah So, how can I help you? Sid These two here have ventured from the Cabbage Planet. Sarah Then it's a good job they came to us, we assist the helplessly incompetent. What's up? Matchstick Our governor has been kidnapped and- Sarah -you'd like us to rescue her. Same old story. [Simultaneously] Matchstick - Yes Werdna - No [Simultaneously] Matchstick - No Werdna - Yes Sid They are very indecisive. Sarah So I see. Matchstick If you tell us where she's being held (i.e. the location of Planet Shy,) we'll rescue her. All you need to do is a bit of location finding. Sarah Hmmm, I don't know... Narrator Then, the strangest thing happened. Or rather, a fairly strange thing happened. This strange thing was that a flash of light suddenly occurred in the room. As strange events go, this was not particularly strange, however it was accompanied by a bang of thunder (sfx), lots of rain (outside) and therefore the soaking of many sun-bathers on LeftWhisker Beach. In addition to the bright light in the room, the thunder and the soaking of LeftWhiskerian sunbathers, A New Entity materialised inside the domain of Sarah's Flat. This New Entity, however, was incredibly old. She was The Matriarch. How she just Appeared Beyond the Realms of Science is beyond me, however, as the author I am granted the use of artistic licence. The Matriarch had never been seen by any living organism within the last seventeen years (apart from, of course, her personal hairdresser) and so this was a cause for surprise in her employees Sid and Sarah. [Simultaneously] Sid - Gasp! [spoken] Sarah - [Gasps] Matriarch You should help him. Sid The Matriarch? Matriarch Indeed, indeed. Sarah But you haven't been seen for years! Matriarch It's true, it's true. Sarah So what do you want? Werdna [whispering] How very Rude. Matriarch I have come to tell you that he has a valid case. I can sense it in the Timelines. But Something Is Muffled. Be Warned, My Friends. Something Is Going To Happen. Something Big. Something So Big I Have Resorted To Using Capitals At The Beginning Of Every Word Just For Dramatic Effect. Matchstick What "Big Thing" is this? Matriarch Tell them the story of the ExoSeer, and reveal to them the location of the planet Shy. Sarah Of course. Matchstick Well that was exciting. Werdna So what's the story of the ExoSeer that you've been asked to tell us? Sid The Matriarch said it, Sarah. As such, it Must Be So. Sarah [Sighing] Very well. When the Matriarch was approximately seventeen, about eighty-eight millicenturies ago, something happened that would change her life in a profound and important way. At this time, her mother was dying. On her death bed, she summoned the Matriarch, or as she was known at the time, Cecil, to it... MatriMum My daughter, I have something to tell you. Matriarch What is it? MatriMum A secret. Thus you must tell nobody. Matriarch I see... Why not? MatriMum It is very important. And can [bringing voice down to a whisper] make you the most knowledgeable person in the galaxy. Matriarch Wow. Seems a very CVable attribute. What is this secret of which you speak? MatriMum Thirty-five millicenturies ago, your father - Lord Seeria - came to me. He informed me that he had created a device in his laboratory known as the Gem of Seeria. He was like that with naming things. How he did it I don't know, he was a bit of a crazy genius. This device could allow the very strings of time themselves to be unpicked. Matriarch Could it? MatriMum It could indeed. This device allows one to see what has happened in the past, future or present; in any location in the universe. Matriarch Whoah. MatriMum The true implications of this are even more than "whoah." You see, the bearer of this device could use it to much advantage. For example, the bearer would be very hard to kill, or even poke, as he (or she) could predict what was going to happen and prevent it. In fact, you would know what would happen thousands of millennia before. Matriarch Nifty. MatriMum Naturally your father was a bit concerned about the power of such a device, and what a malicious person might do with it. As such he added a failsafe - once this device had been activated to a particular person, it will remain with that person as long as that person lives. Even so, your father was understandably a bit confused. His scientific curiosity prevented him from abandoning the project; so he completed it, tested it, and then hid it. This was shortly before he was killed by the Great Toothpaste Disaster, a terrorist event engineered by the nefarious Octogroo Tedious. Matriarch So where did he hide it? MatriMum I am telling you this because I believe you can use it to make this galaxy... a better place. But don't abuse it, and don't let it fall into the wrong hands. Matriarch Okay. MatriMum [Pause] It can be found... on the planet Radassat of Polinar. Sarah And naturally as this was something profound and important to say, it was of course the Matriarch's mother's last words. Her daughter then went to the planet Radassat, and after six months of searching she found this gem. In finding it she used it her self and truly became all-knowing, with an eternity of information there for her to examine as she pleased. She knew she must keep all of these dark and delightful secrets of the future, indeed, secret. But she also had to use it to help. And she could not do that alone: she needed a team between her information and the carrying out of the tasks that Must be Done. And so she founded the General Order of Overall Dictatorship Implemented by the ExoSeer - or the GOODIES as an acronym. Since then the GOODIES have followed the Matriarch's teachings and did their very best to solve various problems with the galaxy. Matchstick Okay. Right. I have at least three problems with all of this. Sarah You do? Matchstick Yes. Firstly, this Gem of Seeria can "read the future." What about free will and all of that? If the Gem tells the Matriarch that I am going to scratch my head whilst singing Aud Lang Syne next Tuesday, clearly my rebellious self is not going to do this. Sarah Ah, free will. The wild card. Yes. Firstly we need to establish what is meant by "free will", how much of it we have, and how this relates to issues such as determinism. Werdna Then let's do so. Sid Indeed. Each of us has "free will." We can chose to do as we please. That is, we can chose to do that which we think it is best that we do. We can make our decision, and act on the outcome. Matchstick Then how can the Gem see in to the future if we can do what we please in the present? Sid Because we don't have any choice over what it is that "we please." To rephrase, we have complete freedom to pursue any line of action that we wish to do. However, "what we wish to do" is in fact fixed - it is determined by our past experiences, personality and knowledge that we hold in our head about the world. What other definition of "what we wish to do" is there? We don't, in the present, have any conscious choice over our personality, experiences and knowledge - we could chose to change these of course, but this would be a decision that would in turn be determined by our past experiences, personality and knowledge, and as such it all gets a bit recursive. Werdna Er, that's actually a bit depressing... Sarah Not if you think it through fully. We as people are complicated beings that we do not understand - we have imperfect reflection, as it were. The concept of a "personality" and how experiences affect the human mind is not currently understood. Thus, each decision we make is deterministic based on our situation, experiences, personality etc. This does not make life boring precisely because we are not able to understand the mechanics of this deduction process - even though given any decision one has there is only one possible outcome that one can come to, nobody can predict the outcome of that decision before hand since nobody has a precise model of ones head - not even, arguably, "one." Sid Thus if you like at every decision you are "free" to do what you wish, in the sense that nobody else could have predicted what you would chose beforehand, and you make this decision based on your internal thoughts and feelings. Even though there's only one possible outcome; you still have "free will." Matchstick Cunning. And so what happens in the above scenario above, when someone is told what the Gem predicts they will do and acts differently to spite it? Sarah This is a logical paradox. In a universe where the Gem exists as an assumption, it can clearly never be the case that what you said happens, since this would lead to a logical inconsistency; a paradox. Since the universe is deterministic and follows a single flow of time, this is no problem. Matchstick I see. Right. The second issue is that you all seem to put a lot of faith in the Matriarch. The Matriarch is the only being that can see through the Gem of Seeria and she sends fragments of her knowledge to you and allows you to, through her, read fragments from the Gem itself using wonders of technology, since this is after all science fiction. But still that means that ultimate power for the GOODIES is under the hands of the Matriarch - she could be lying, or alternatively acting in a way to produce negative effects instead of positive ones? Where's the accountability? Sid Clearly it is not a good idea to have Blind Faith in anyone, or indeed, anything, since this by definition bypasses reason, logic and thought and can only be a bad thing. And so the ExoSeer's "dictatorship" is not quite - there is an elected body to verify that the ExoSeer is still a) still in true command of the Gem and b) reading it properly. This is easy as we need only perform tests that she can indeed "predict the future" and it's quite easy to set these up to be true beyond all reasonable doubt. To check in her motivations is trickier. However, as this is a science fiction and in the future, there are devices that allow one to verify whether someone is telling the truth and determining how they respond to certain situations (including morally) and react. This is like a far, far more advanced implementation of the concept of a "lie detector" from the 21st century that is much more accurate and insightful. Werdna Ok. Sid Of course, merely being able to predict the future doesn't imply that many people will act to prevent it (see Global Warming on earth in the twenty first century) but we like to think our order does. Sarah Matchstick, you said you had "at least three" problems with the above? Matchstick Ah yes. Finally, it seems a bit coincidental to me that this person was called Lord Seeria and this item was the "Gem of Seeria" when Seeria is clearly a derivation of the word "seer" regarding looking into the future. This all seems a bit narratively convenient to me. Sid Indeed it is, and we are fortunate in that respect. That's one of the reasons we like to call ourselves "soothsayers" rather than "seers", although this does introduce a rather inconvenient ritual at the beginnings of our meetings. Werdna Right, glad all that's sorted. Now could you please tell us where we can find the Planet Shy so we can go and rescue our beloved governor? Sarah Sure. We have the co-ordinates here. --Scene Four-- To the Skies Again Narrator And so the Millennium Banana once again took to the skies and headed in the direction given by the soothsayers, to Planet Shy where they could hopefully enter and rescue Eliza. Matchstick was a bit concerned about the effect that allowing her to be captured could have on his career, or how his parents would react should they here news of his irresponsibility. Werdna however seemed to have had a slight change of mood: Werdna So, here we are, going to rescue Eliza Cheese, the governor of Cabbage Island. How exciting! Matchstick [Downhearted] Indeed, that is exciting. Werdna I sense an air of sarcasm in your words. Matchstick Then these senses are calibrated correctly. Narrator After some time, the both of them were getting a little bored. It was somewhat further from Gerbil to Shy than from Cabbage to Gerbil, and therefore they began to find Time Itself rather annoying. To annoy Time back, they tried to think of something to do. Werdna So then, what do we do now? Matchstick Tell jokes? Werdna Don't be... [In a suddenly amusingly sumg and amused manner.] Heh heh heh. Matchstick What is it? Werdna Oh, don't worry, it's pretty terrible. Matchstick Well you can hardly laugh secretively to yourself and not reveal it here can you? That would be most frustrating. Werdna Very well. Narrator And Werdna told his joke. This joke was so utterly distasteful we could not possibly reproduce it here, despite the fact that it was in fact incredibly witty. Matchstick [Laughing a lot.] That's brilliant! Wonderful! And the bit with the... ha ha ha! And he didn't even realise that... but really.... hah hah haa! Werdna Ah, the old ones are the best. Matchstick [Calms down] Hah, they are indeed. Werdna So, er, that was good... er, care for a sing-song? Matchstick By all things that are audibly pleasant in this world and the sake of ears everywhere, I deem that a bad idea. Werdna Just a suggestion! How about poetry? Matchstick Ah, just as long as it's not going to be a Paul Mur limerick. Werdna Who's Paul Mur? Narrator There was a nanocentury of audible oblivion. Matchstick You've never heard of Paul Mur? Werdna No - should I have? Matchstick Of course! That's crazy. Werdna So who is he? Matchstick [Begins speaking seriously and then descends into limerick.] There was a young man called Paul Mur. Who smelt like a pile of manure. When he went into town, everybody did frown, saying "Oh look, it's Paul Mur" Werdna That's not a very good limerick. The last line ended with the same word as the first line did! That's hardly rhyming! It's certainly cheating, at least. Matchstick What the dingo is that? Werdna Computer? Computer There appears to be a banging sound from the side of the ship Werdna Yes, I'd guess that. Any idea why that particular, and rather worrying, sound appears to be happening? Computer [Dreadedly] It's ALIVE! Matchstick Now that's worrying. Computers It's a latin-for-worrying latin-for-giant-space-squirrel Werdna And what's that? Matchstick Damn the computer and its cryptic comments. I'll try the web. Where do you keep WaterWeazel on this machine? Werdna The usual place. Matchstick Ah, here we go... gww.squint-is-not-a-thesaurus.org Narrator The main computer felt slightly annoyed at its passengers bypassing her grand knowledge and just checking the web, and took out its frustration on a small greenfly the ship had picked up whilst in the atmosphere of the Planet Gerbil, a greenfly that was now being chopped up into a squillion pieces by the engine fans. How this happened when the greenfly only consisted of just under a squillion particles is beyond me. Werdna Well? Matchstick It's apparantly a galactic massively-challenged vacuum-fairing airrodent, otherwise known as a... Space Bat. Werdna Oh dear. Computer [Sulkily] Another bang is heard. Narrator Hey, watch it, that's my job. Matchstick Apparently they're extremely annoying little animals the size of a Great Orkus Tree. They fly through space attacking innocent vessels like ours for fun to annoy the passengers. How can it be little if it's the size of a Great Orkus Tree? Werdna It's all relative. Matchstick Oh, ok. Apparantly this thing doesn't need to breathe at all and is solar powered. That's quite... Computer It's hit us again. Matchstick We know! Werdna this is getting worrying - how do we escape such a powerful and dangerous entity? Computer I'm just trying to help. Matchstick How do we stop it? Werdna How should I know? Matchstick Does this ship have any weapons? Werdna That's rather cruel! Matchstick I was just- Werdna Well, actually, it doesn't. Matchstick He's got some friends! Computer We have just lost our backup backup sub-lightspeed drive. Matchstick What? Computer If we loose the other two now, we're DOOMED! Matchstick [Sound of running around] Baaaaaaaaah! Boogah boogah boogah! Aiiiiiiieeeee! Narrator For the purposes of the confused listener, Matchstick is panicing. Werdna Hey, I've got an idea Matchstick [Stops panicing] What's that? Werdna I could just press down on the accelerator a bit harder. Narrator Suddenly the ship travelled a few lightmicroseconds to the up-left-down. The space bat was now in the distant areas of netherspace. Well, not that distant, but distant enough to be significant. Matchstick If we're so much faster than the space bat, why didn't you think of running away earlier? Isn't that like comparing the speed of the hedgehog with that of the postvan that almost hits it? Werdna Well quite. Werdna So now what? Matchstick We tell stories? --Scene Five-- Marco and Hector Radio And to our second story tonight: it seems that the governor of the planet Cabbage IV appears to be missing. The well-loved Eliza Cheese was last seen gardening a few days ago. Governor Cheese runs the planet Cabbage IV, but is more well known for her promotion of schemes in parliment that use the tip of technology to implement security schemes that also respect privacy and the individual. Whether this is related to her recent disappearance or not is something that is being wildly speculated. In other news, certain services have ground to a halt due to the recent lack of activity on the postal front, whose headquarters also reside on Cabbage IV. Some services have switched to using the Space Pidgeon service organised by Phytoglimpse. You're listening to Bucket-of-Mud news, on the hour, every fifteen minutes. Narrator Several lighthours ahead of the Millennium Banana, the planet known only as Shy resided. When the planet was a little ball of dust, it was bullied by other little bits of dust. The reason was that the planet had great difficulty in communicating with little bits of dust of the opposite sex. He could usually only manage a few vague vowel sounds. He was, of course, greatly ridiculed because of this, and, (due to the fact that small bits of dust tended not to be very witty,) he was called "Dust Shy." The other little bits of dust were very pleased with this, and had hours of fun just laughing at this pathetic name. When Dust Shy grew up, however, he was called Rock Shy, and, after fusing with some heavy radioactive elements, became Planet Shy. He was inhabited by lots of life, however this life, taking in the genes from its father, were all very shy and all died of not willing to tell anyone else that they were quickly running out of food. Unfortunately for the planet, all life on it soon died out. Planet Shy then found himself with a huge problem. He was very lonely. He couldn't speak to his one moon, because that moon just happened to be female. However, the answer came when an asteroid passed by several megamillenniums later. This asteroid happened to be one of the Outer Associates of a company interested in transport. He then managed to arrange a deal – Planet Shy would be inhabited by these people, these taximen, and in return the taximen would be company for Planet Shy. Planet Shy was very pleased with this offer, and accepted it pre-immediately. However, just to annoy Planet Shy, the taxi company named themselves "Timid Taxis," as an eternal ridicule. This was primarily because of the couple that ruled the taxi company at the time, a rather vindictive couple. The planet had lots of palm trees and crystal-yellow seas (seas that, for some insanely bizzaire reason, consisted seventy percent of iodine,) which gave the planet, from space, a sort of greeny-yellow look. This was often mistaken as tourists as apples and bananas, who were slightly shocked when their fruit-picking ship was shot at by nuclear missiles. Marco This is brilliant! I can see the Millennium Banana approaching! It's the little flourescant tourquoise dot approaching our little green dot of a planet! Hector It is? Marco Well, not literally of course. Unless they're hippies. The plan's working, Hector! Hector [Mr. Burns] Excellent. Everything is going according to plan. Marco ["Oh dear, he's really getting into this"] Really. Hector, do you have to insist on making use of the bouncy castle when we are plotting? Hector It's good for my elbows. Anyway, do continue, dear boy. Marco A vessel with the TWIP signature has just entered the system. Hector From the TWIPs? Not the Electorate then? Marco Unfortunately no. Still, this doesn't change the fundamentals of the Plan. Hector Excellent. I shall leave immediately and commence it. Marco You will? Hector Yes. I have decided to go alone. I managed to kidnap the governor on my own without any interfeerance from anyone else, being very cunning with the use of a toothpick. Marco Yes, but- Hector And also it will proove that I am really worthy of this gem. Plus it will make sure that no-one else Gets It, just me. Marco What about the Matriarch? She will be able to see our plans. Hector Very true. But, [pause for dramatic effect] WE ARE HERE! Marco Yes, we...er... are. Hector Fifty years ago she would have foreseen the Upcoming Event. She would see that indeed we would attack. She could have stopped me from being born, to merely prevent her own death. Marco Then why didn't she? Hector Because she can see that my grand plan is too great for even her meddling Marco Yeah, but surely she must know that if you kill her then you'll become the ExoSeer? Hector Probably, but that proves that we'll succeed. She knows that her time is up, she has to go some day. She realises that This Is It, otherwise we would not be standing here having this conversation. The plan has to succeed, Mister DasKlein. The Fates have Alligned, and it shows that I shall become the ExoSeer. Marco Sigh. Indeed you shall. Hector Then Auf Widersehen, my friend. The next time we meet I will be able to see into the Lines of Time Itself, Beyond Infinity! Marco [After Hector leaves] On the contrary, my lunatic friend. I don't believe we shall meet again. Hector Oh, and Marco, please don't forget to shoot down that ship up there. Marco Ah... very, well. [Hector leaves.] --Scene Six-- Shooting Ducks Computer We have just entered the Atmosphere of Planet Shy : The Timid Taxi Headquarters. Werdna We can now finally rescue Eliza Cheese and I can get back to being the chief postperson. Matchstick And I can start working for you! Werdna Erm, yes... Computer Beep beep. [Panicking] Level Four Alert! I detect weapons on the planet! Matchstick Ah... weapons? Werdna That's nothing. They're just weapons, its not like they're actually going to use them or anything. Computer Beep beep. [Panicking] Level Three Alert! I detect armed weapons on the planet! Matchstick Oh... armed weapons? Werdna Don't worry. Just because they're armed, that doesn't mean anything! Computer Level Two Alert! I detect armed weapons being aimed into the sky! Matchstick Eeeh... armed weapons being aimed to the sky? Werdna Feel no fear. They're probably just shooting down birds! Computer Beep beep. Level One Alert! I detect a weapon being fired at us that shall hit in approximately mere seconds time... Matchstick Whuh? We're going to be hit by some kind of laser beam? Werdna Ah yes. It's probably a good time to worry. It will probably hit us very short- Narrator Planet Shy was very confused. He always thought that the people on the planet were nice people - after all, they did agree to keep him company with their taxi company for all this time. Why, the planet asked silently, were they firing these... these things at this ship which had obviously came to visit him? Did they not realise that the impact between the two ships would cause that ship to be blown totally out of the atmosphere and into oblivion? Maybe it was just because they were stupid. He always knew that Hector was expelled from his school when he was forteen to become a taxiperson. Planet Shy had to prevent this great catastrophe from happening. As such, he sent a message via e-mail to some of the air particles, and managed to get them to all crash into the thing which was travelling through the air at a high velocity, and cause it to just miss the ship. Now Planet Shy would be able to meet these new visitors and make friends with them. Werdna Hah! I told you it was nothing to worry about! They were just shooting birds! Matchstick With a nuclear warhead? Werdna Yes, I see your point. Matchstick Is that... another one? Werdna Hey! We're from the Postmen! Please don't fire nuclear warheads at us! Er... special delivery from Hector of Tulips! Marco [Over the radio.] I'm sorry. Hector is not here. Werdna /Can't you take it?/ Marco I'm afraid not. Matchstick Should we not attempt to run away or something? Werdna Good idea. Matchstick Oh dear. Now what? Werdna I don't know... we're out of firing range, but I don't really just want to go home and not rescue to governor. Maybe we shouldn't have tried to attack them without weapons of any kind. Computer May I suggest that we land on Planet Shy's moon? Initial diagnostics indicate that it should be inhabitable. Werdna Sure. Computer Then I suggest that we land on Planet Shy's moon, since our initial diagnostics indicate that it should be inhabitable. Matchstick Good idea! --Scene Seven-- Humble Moon Narrator On the first moon of the smallest planet of a rather unfashionable sun, two figures stood. These figures were doing nothing. Of course, they were not doing nothing, as the act of nothing was practically impossible - unless of course, you didn't exist. However, these two characters did exist and therefore could not do nothing. Unless, of course, these two characters did not exist, and they were just characters in a story. Then, theoretically, it would be possible for them to do nothing. Yet, doing nothing would prove an extremely boring story, and therefore the author would be side-tracked into explaining why these people were not actually doing nothing - or were they? In this case, the author would then shut up and continue to explain that the reason these figures weren't doing anything (or that they didn't appear to be doing anything...) was because they were extremely disappointed with what they viewed from around them. They were exceedingly disappointed. That's because, basically nothing was around them. This is, of course, impossible - as if nothing was around them they would exist alone in the universe, which again could only happen in a story, which would prove to be a boring one. This is because, there was indeed something around them. This something was silicon dioxide, or sand. The tedium of Humble Moon arise partly because Planet Shy would not speak to this moon, for a reason that she had yet not deciphered. Werdna So here we are. Matchstick I agree. Werdna So then... Mathstick Is being a postman always this glamorous? Werdna Oh, it's often more glamorous than this. Matchstick It is? Werdna No. I wonder if there's anything to eat here? I'm getting rather bored of space biscuits. Matchstick We could try that conspicious-looking hut over there. Werdna Indeed we could. Matchstick Now, let's find something to eat. Does that not appear to be a fridge over there? Werdna I would say so... unfortunately it doesn't seem to be attached to any kind of power supply. Matchstick Let's see... Aha! Werdna Aha? Matchstick Some chicken! Werdna Wonderful! Narrator Matchstick was not an enlightened cook. When looking at the chicken, in particular in the context of potentially consuming it, he realised there was a slight problem. It was not that the chicken was covered in fungi, nor was it that it looked about eighty-nine percent bacteria and eleven- percent meat, but it was the slight problem of, Matchstick We need to cook it. Werdna Good point. Do you think they will mind if we use their cooker? Matchstick Maybe... and it would not be right to use their cooker without asking. Werdna Are you suggesting we eat it raw? Matchstick Well... [Thinks carefully.] No, I don't think so. Raw chicken? Werdna I sort of see your poin- Narrator Werdna attempted to say the final 't' of point, however he was cut off. He was not cut off by Matchstick, however. He was cut off by another entity. This entity was not the chicken that had miraculously turned back to life and ran out of the window (something both Matchstick and Werdna had failed to notice.) Nor was it the seer that was presently tied up in the cupboard just to their right, screaming at them (a scream that was not being heard by its intended recipient.) No. This interruption actually came from outside the hut, and was from a Timid Taxi Security Guard. They hadn't realised that this moon (or this hut, to be more precise) was actually owned by Timid Taxi Intergalactic Corporation of Ferrypeople. Guard [from outside] Is anyone in there? Werdna Er... no. Guard Are you sure? Matchstick [Of Werdna] Idiot. [To Guard] Yes, we're as sure as we are standing here. Guard As you are "standing here?" So there is someone standing there? Werdna No! It was just a slip of the tongue by an EX-TWIP here. Guard So there is an EX-TWIP there? Matchstick [panicking] No, of course not! That was just a foolish mistake by... Werdna [interrupting] NOBODY! Because there is nobody here, right? Matchstick Right. You must be hearing things. Guard You know, I think you may be right. My mother told me that I would go mad if I didn't eat my vitamin supplements. I thought she was lying, but perhaps not. Matchstick Then that is something you must obviously do. Go home and eat your vitamin supplements now before you hear anything else that isn't really there. Guard Thanks. Just as long as you haven't been lying to me about your non-existance. Matchstick Don't worry, we are truthful in our words. Guard Bye! [Disappears.] Werdna That was close! So where were we... Do you think they would mind if we use their cooker? Matchstick I don't know... we could have asked him. Werdna Should we call him back? Matchstick Probably not. Stan [Muffled] Help! Matchstick What was that? Stan [Still muffled] It was me shouting "Help!" Werdna Apparantly, it was somebody shouting "Help!" Matchstick Who? Help in what? Is it a just cause? Werdna The answer to the third question depends on the first two, which are in turn mutually exclusive. Stan It was a cry for help from Stan! I would be much obliged if you can /do so!/ Werdna Who's there? Stan Just open the cupboard, man! Stan Greetings! Matchstick How did you get the inside of your cupboard to flash bright colours? Stan Thank you for coming all this way to rescue me, I am so grateful. I apologise for not telling you what was really In Your Future, but I did think you were a total idiot, a fact that I, to this day, have yet to refute. Matchstick Stan the seer? Stan Indeed it is. I have some grave news! We must return to Gerbil at once. Matchstick We need to rescue Eliza first... Stan No we don't, and that's precisely the point! I'm sure Eliza is fine, our great leader may not be however. Werdna What? Stan Capturing Eliza Cheese was just a decoy! To cause a distraction for us so that they could sneak a ship back to Gerbil and... [panicking] /dispose of/... the Matriarch! Matchstick Why would he do that? Stan Because when the Matriarch dies, the closest to her shall become the ExoSeer. If we fail to stop Mister Of Tulips soon, our great leader shall be dead, and the greatest foreseer of all Time will be a particularly nasty taxi beurocrat. Werdna But my reputati- Stan Werdna my friend, do you not realise that some things are More Important? Eliza will be fine and I'm sure the taxi people will let her go or something and soon as this is sorted. We /must/ return to the Place of Dessert Rodents! Matchstick I think we should possibly do this Werdna. Stan Yes, let's go! --Scene Eight-- Return to Gerbil Narrator The computer off Werdna's ship just sort of sat there. The wasn't much else really she could do, apart from sitting there and all that. She could calculate pi to a googolplex of decimal places, but that got quite boring after the first few decillion. So she just sat there. She was slightly puzzled when three entities returned to the ship, instead of two. However, more puzzled was the third of these entities. Stan, the psychedelic superseer, was just sitting in his room one minute and then just appeared in this weird hut on this crazy moon. The thing was, he didn't really have any clue why. The reality of it was, unknown to him, the Chicken in the Hut was getting bored of just having bacteria for company, and so secretly this chicken (or the twelve percent of it that was left when it went to kidnap Stan) wanted to hear some other voice. The chicken had chosen Stan because he had pictures of dead chickens on his walls, and the Rotting Chicken as a) a bit offended by this and b) thought it was rather weird, to tell you the truth. Said chicken was now aboard the Millennium Banana, and the Millennium Banana in no time at all had landed on the Planet Gerbil. On said Gerbil, other endeavours were taking place... Matriarch I am the great and almighty Matriarch, and I know everything! I just do. I was the one who discovered the great ExoSeership, and I rule the General Order of Overall Dictatorship Implemented by the ExoSeer. Because of what I am, I cannot be destroyed. Oh, yes, I can be killed, but I am only semi-mortal. I have seen more new centuries rise than has the earth itself. I am the great one! I am the... Director [interrupting] Cut! At last we've finished shooting this thing. Thanks for being willing to take part on our program, Substitions of the Modern Age. Matriarch That is fine. [Raising voice.] Now be /gone!/ [Sighs] Another day in the office. Well, a slightly unusual one of course, given what's about to come. But destiny is a flexible thing. Hector [appearing] So I was correct, [chuckling] Your end is nigh. Matriarch You really think I would allow my own death to happen? I can foresee your every move and defeat you easily. I can foresee that you will not survive this battle. Hector Really? Matriarch Really. I can sense that you are planning to almost shoot me, then get out a sword when I am distracted by the missed bullet. That is what you will try to do, because you are under the mistaken impresion that it is stylish. Hector But... Matriarch Of course, you're changing your mind now not to seem silly. But if I hadn't told you what you were going to do, you would have done it. Hector I don't believe you! Matriarch I know. Hector But how do you know? [Pause] This is very confusing, isn't it? Matriarch We're going to get on with it now. The battle. That which you came here to do. Hector And you can forsee this? Matriarch I can. Hector So... what form is this "battle" going to take place? Matriarch Well since you can no longer follow you're previous plan since you would look silly, we are instead going to battle on the Ancient Arena that settled so many conflicts in the past. Hector Not- Matriarch Yes. Are you ready, Hector of Tulips? Hector Let's get this over with. Matriarch Ha ha! Hector Looks like you're getting clumsier there, old lady... Bop It Rrrrrawww. Do it again next time, but better. Hector Heh heh heh. Narrator Meanwhile, Werdna and Matchstick were landing on the planet Gerbil. Werdna [leaving the ship] Well. That was a lot quicker than getting to the Planet Shy. Matchstick Yes. Stan We should get to the Old One! Werdna Not me. This is getting to obscure for me I'm afraid. Matchstick What? You're going back to Cabbage IV? Werdna Yes, but not- Stan Let's go! [Note for later somewhere : Wernda quits postmen, and Pat takes over. ??] Werdna Before you do, give this to Insane King Derek Tedious I of Asinine Planet, if you see him. I can't be bothered to hand deliver it so I should make the slightest effort that someone else might. Matchstick I should follow him. Stan Noooooooooooooooo! Matchstick No. [in a simpler less dramatic short tone.] Narrator As the Matriarch fell, there was a very enigmatic flash of light, a slightly less enigmatic clasp of thunder, and then a rainbow of colour emitting from the Matriarch's left elbow. This rainbow of colour then settled inside Hector's right nostril, causing a transfer of the Essence of ExoSeership. There was a Dennis tint everywhere. Hector I can feel it... the knowledge... whoa, that's a little bit crazy. Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Let's see which way the story turns now, then, shall we? Beam me up, Scotty! Matchstick Oh dear. Narrator And so Matchstick and Stan stood onlooking that which was the Matriarch's body, with the Matriarch's defeated form fading in the style of a Jedi Master. They should probably do something – from Matchstick's conversations with Sid and Sarah, Hector knowing everything about the future could prove to be a bit of a problem since he seemed pretty mad and ambitious. Thus they left the Matriarch's Domain, henceforth known as Pull It Is On The Other Side – until of course, it was blown up by the electorate, but that's getting a bit ahead of ourselves...