Tough Guy 2005 - The One-Eyed Warrior
| ESKA Compeititors:- Alison Pearson Vicky Byford Rob Emery Farah Malik Tony Stones Paul Grimsey I used to be a Wetneck, now I'm a Toughguy - here's my story…………………… For those of you not familiar with the Tough Guy event it comprises of a bit of a run, followed by going two times round an obstacle course, or at least that's what I was told. Like all major events Tough Guy requires rigorous training, planning and preparation in order to do the circuit justice. Having done none of the above Tony, Farah and I decided that if we were going to look stupid we might as well do it properly. 5 bottles of red wine and a Chinese takeaway later the 'ESKA Pirates' costumes were completed (the theme of this year's Tough Guy was pirates). Tony sprayed on the letters, I cut out the skull + crossbones and Farah went on a shopping frenzy for eye-patches, hooks, hats and clip-on earrings.   The morning of the event came round a little too quickly, mainly due to going to bed at 1:30am after the aforementioned wine. Vicky Byford, some of her friends from the running club, Rob Emery and Claire Chinery (top photographer and chocolate supplier) met us at 8am and we headed off to the event. The venue for the event is an animal sanctuary (called the Mr Mouse Farm for Unfortunates) which, judging by the size of it, could quite happily have coped with anything Jurassic Park found it didn't have the space for. Luckily, all the dinosaurs had been moved somewhere else for the day, although we did see a few messages of encouragement that they'd left around the course and even managed not to tread in a few of them. Costumes were on and our death warrants were handed in (a signed piece paper stating you knew what you were doing and didn't mind being buried somewhere in the animal sanctuary in case it all went a bit wrong), it was time to line up with the other competitors - some of whom looked more silly than we did. Your start position in the line-up depends in which category you enter the event. These are generally:- Front squad - these guys are a bit serious Tough Guy - you've done it before Gween Teams - serious teams Wetnecks - have not done it before Late People - (this is not the actual title given to these people) they simply got the entry form in late Being a 'Wetneck' my start position was near the back, which was rather handy as we only got there 10 minutes before the start and found ourselves at the back anyway. We were off! It started with a run comprising 7 country miles - having never heard of a country mile I was surprised to hear that it is a unit of distance which gets longer each year. Great. The run was quite pleasant and all 5 of us kept together (Vicky's friends, Alison and Andrew Pearson had all started ahead of us - that's my excuse) shouting 'Aaaaaar!' at various points using our best pirate/west country accents. The pace was quite good at the start but due to being near the back we kept getting snarled up in the bottlenecks caused by a few people deciding to take it as a stroll. After a few country miles we made it to the 'slalom' which meant going up and down a large woody hill at least 10 times. The amount of people trying arriving at this obstacle at the same time meant the quickest we could ascend was at a brisk walk but the descending rate was determined by gravity. At one point I saw someone next to me hurtle down uncontrollably until he collided with a large tree - if it hadn't been for the tree he might have fallen over and hurt himself. Towards the end of the slalom I managed to see a most unbelievable sight……… a team wheeling a cannon up the slalom course. There is always someone worse off than yourself.  We continued with the run until the obstacle course proper came into view. The first set was mainly a series of high muddy banks leading to muddy pools followed by climbs up even muddier banks. I was starting to have doubts about the intelligence of having a hook on one hand but was getting used to the eye-patch. Vicky was generally in the lead throughout giving us a helping hand over the muddy banks. Following on from this was a large A-frame with cargo netting which was easily traversed although we still had to queue up behind a mass of other competitors. Five walls of varying heights met us next and climbing these using a rope proved to be not too bad, although using one hand and hook meant this was a bad place to get an itch.    Still together, the five of us kept going, through more muddy puddles, army crawling through cargo netting and even having to run over straw set alight. AAARRrrrrrah!  It started to get worse after this, the 'dead leg swamp' did just that as at every step my trainers decided they wanted to make a home in the mud and the Vietcong tunnels (long, dark and narrow concrete tunnels underneath a watch tower straight out of a Vietnam war film) started to take their toll on my joints.  After a couple of hours we made it to the lake - a neck high body of muddy water with a stench that could only have been worse if we'd all had a curry the night before. Rumour has it that all the water starts off clean but we were so far back at the start that any similarities at actual water were now purely accidental (which probably explained a lot). There were beams all across the lake which were supposed to be tackled by going underneath them but after the first one I decided this was not good for my contact lens.     A brief swim followed until we got to the under-water tunnels and I did not enjoy this at all, except for the 2nd lap where chatting up one of the marshals earned me a swig of her Guinness, before diving into something much less clearer. I was now a bit muddy and very cold still after climbing up a wall of haystacks we had to 'walk the plank'. Joy. I was told that the depth of the pool was 5' but found this not to be true. I also took note of the sign informing me that if my legs stuck in the mud should 'wave my hand and gurgle'. Swimming with a hook is not easy. More swimming followed, this time having to push a log round the lake and trying not to get hit by the competitors on their second lap riding round the lake on rafts.    Getting near to the end of the first lap left only a long stretch of muddy tyres to step over and large concrete pipes to jump, before a short run and another hill to climb up. Lap 1 was finished and against all odds Rob's parrot was still on his shoulders and Tony was still aaaaar-ing.  Lap 2 started at the beginning of the obstacle course and I was starting to feel it after 3 hours. My biggest mistake of the whole course was wearing long shorts. The mud and water were taking their toll on them and every so often I could be seen trying to lift them back into their original position. After a few more walls to climb over, my shorts decided to give up and began ripping, this only got worse throughout. At one point I was making my way across a suspended rope using another rope above me to assist. Luckily there was a cargo net below but poking through were a large number of very tall stinging nettles - not the sight you want to see when the gusset of your shorts has disappeared. The other point I am not proud of was the army style crawl under barbed wire where anyone behind me could see that my shorts were not as they should have been.    It was now getting harder to get over the obstacles but there were fewer competitors (some people only do one lap) which meant less queuing. I started cramping up in the 'dead leg swamp' and this really hampered me after the 2nd 'walk the plank'. Swimming with no legs a hook and an eye-patch is not easy. Thanks to Farah for saving me from drowning. The 2nd time around the lake we had the pleasure of travelling round it on a raft instead of pushing a log. After much paddling we landed our vessel and carried onwards. About halfway along the lake I spied the team wheeling the cannon round. They'd taken the thing apart and it was in a pile on their raft. I started to run quicker.  The final stretch through the tyres was treacherous as not only did we have the muddy tyres to step through or over but other competitors/team mates slipping over. At this point we saw Alison Pearson, who had completed the course in 3 hours 35 minutes (position 1088) and was all showered and clean telling us to go faster. Cheers Alison. All 5 of us finally made it to the end with a time of 4 hours 39 minutes (positions 1797 -1802), which isn't good but how many other people did it with a hook and eye-patch? At least we beat the team wheeling the cannon round the course. Quiet reflection at the end pointed to the fact that we were glad it was all over and that we weren't in the ambulance with flashing blue lights leaving the course at high speed.  A total of 2350 people entered the competition; 1876 completed the
course. The official results taken from the Tough Guy web site (www.toughguy.co.uk) Andrew Pearson, Age: 19, Time: 3:27:50, Pos: 994 Alison Pearson, Age: 16, Time: 3:35:09, Pos: 1089 Vicky Byford, Age: 33, Time: 4:38:45 Pos: 1800 Paul Grimsey, Age: 28, Time: 4:38:47, Pos: 1801 Rob Emery, Age: 35, Time: 4:39:21, Pos: 1802 Farah Malik, Age: 33, Time: 4:39:22, Pos: 1803= Tony Stones, Age: 41, Time: 4:39:22, Pos: 1803= |
