Once More, With Groping


Daniel raised a hand as the high priest began to elaborate on his earlier pronouncement. "No, it's all right, we understand. Before you'll allow us to leave, two of us must have public sex on that altar in front of the gate."

"The altar you despoiled!" The high priest exclaimed, kohled eyes wide.

"Sorry. We were trying to keep the ants out of the mac and cheese."

"And now you must pay!" the high priest continued. "Because…"

"No really..." Daniel cut him off again. "…we get it. We've been in this situation before and the justifications never make sense so we've started skipping them entirely." He flashed a smile at the high priest and the row of lesser priests standing scowling behind him. "Please, just give us a minute, would you?"

Turning to face the rest of SG-1, he rolled his eyes. "Okay, whose turn is it?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out."

"Come on, Carter, how hard can it be?"

Sam looked up from her PDA and sighed. "Sir, four people result in six possible pairs multiplied by the number of times this has happened to us… well, let's just say we're talking higher math trying to keep this fair."

"Is it necessary to work the equations from the beginning, MajorCarter? Perhaps if we merely went back over the last few incidences we would have sufficient data to make a decision."

"Yeah." Jack waved a hand at the Jaffa. "What he said."

"Well, then that would mean it can't be Jack and I this time because it was Jack and I last time," Daniel said after a moment's thought.

"Last time you mistranslated and that wasn't what they wanted," Jack pointed out, grinning broadly.

Daniel's ears turned scarlet. "The two words are very similar. It was an honest mistake."

"I'm not saying it wasn't, just that it shouldn't count." Jack unbuckled his belt and nodded toward the altar. "Let's go. There's a game on tonight and I want to get home."

"Even if that last time doesn't count, that doesn't mean we're up next." Feet planted, arms folded, Daniel refused to be moved. "We agreed to keep this fair so let's give Sam a chance to figure it out."

Nodding her thanks, Sam consulted the list. "The time before that time, which may or may not count, it was Daniel and Teal'c."

"I remember it well," Teal'c agreed.

"And the time before that, the time with all the drumming, it was me and the colonel."

Jack frowned. "Shouldn't that be, the colonel and I?"

"Sir, leave the grammar to Daniel."

"Oh yeah, because that always turns out so well."

"I didn't hear you complaining," Daniel muttered a tad petulantly.

Jack snorted. "How could you hear me doing anything over the noise you were making?"

"And before that!" Sam said; the emphasis a desperate attempt to bring them back on track before the natives got restless. "Daniel and I."

Jack turned to face her, head cocked to one side. "I'm lost. You and Daniel were before you and me?"

"You and I…"

"That's what I keep saying."

Sam sighed. "It was a red letter day for me too, sir. Can we move on?"



"No, you sighed. It's something."

"I'm just saying, you and Daniel always look like you're having more fun."

"DanielJackson is a fun guy."

"Thank you, Teal'c."

"And what am I, chopped liver?"

"Now you've done it, big guy."

As the other two men watched with the sort of interest usually shown by drivers passing a car accident, Teal'c opened his mouth, closed it again, and finally said, "My apologies for any rudeness." He gestured toward the altar. "Allow me to make it up to you."

"Oh no!" Jack grabbed Teal'c's arm and hauled him back. "I distinctly remember you two having a go at it in the not too distant past."

"It hasn't been Teal'c and I in forever!" Sam protested; the PDA had been abandoned, all but one button on her shirt already undone.

"P3X 2BB!"

"You and Daniel."

"Okay, P78 3GD; I remember Teal'c was definitely in that one!"

"Because it was you and Teal'c, sir!"

He glanced over at the Jaffa. "You sure?"


"Hang on a minute, guys." Daniel turned back to the priests. "Does it have to be just two of us?"

The high priest blinked in confusion. "Uh, I suppose not."

"Thank you." He pivoted around on one heel, hands spread in triumph.

Jack grinned and began pulling his t-shirt over his head. "Way to find the compromise, Daniel. All right people, puck drops at eight so lets hit that altar. Teal'c, grab the condoms and lube out of the med kit. I'm lying flat because I've got the bad knees. Carter, you're on point. I've got Daniel's six."

"I believe it is my turn in that position, O'Neill."

"Oh, for crying out loud…"


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