An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are... The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought £300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer... The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for £8000, and she can't even drive... The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis... - CJ (Oxford)
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?' The guy says, 'No. What?'. 'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! Whole!' says the bartender. 'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.' replied the patron. 'He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all." The patron finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the cherry and sticks it up his backside, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey just did?', he asked. 'Now what?' responds the patron. 'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his behind, then pulled it out and ate it!' says the barkeep. 'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.' replies the patron. 'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damned cue ball he measures everything first!' - KC (South London)
A teacher is taking his usual english class and tells the children that they are going to have a lesson about the word "definately".He asks the class to give a sentance with the word "definately" in it which will express its true meaning.The first little boy replies - "I am definately going to have chips for tea tonight", but the teacher replies "NO - Your mohter might make a salad at the last minute therefore it is not definite"A second little girl replies - "I am definately going to ballet tonight", but the teacher replies "NO - You might fall down and break your leg, then you couldn't possibly go to ballet".A third little boy asks if he can ask another question and the teacher allows him to do so, he asks "Are there any lumps in pumps ?" and the teacher replies "No". The little boy promptly replies "Well then - Iv'e definately shit myself". - Claire Moore (Boston MA, US)
The Goalie A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman,clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby. The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!" "No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!" "No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Hu Flung Dung ". I'm the goalkeeper for the Malaysian national soccer team. I've never missed a match in ten years and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net." "What? Not once?" calls the woman. "No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the world agrees that I am the best goalkeeper there has ever been". And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body,with palms facing forward. "OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!" So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing. The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man. The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive. The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road. - Ronny Lewis (Manchester)
After Mike Shanahan dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Mike a little two-bedroom house with a faded Denver Broncos banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. Mike looks up at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Green Bay Packer flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Packer banner hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God" says Mike. "But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Mike Holmgren gets a mansion with new Packers banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile say, "That's not Holmgren's house, that's mine!" - Billy Jean (Blackpool)
A man and a woman get into an elevator. The door shuts and the elevator begins to rise: as it rises, the woman gets aroused. The woman begins to get undressed... -she slowly takes off her blouse -she unsnaps her bra -she slowly pulls down her skirt -she slides her panties off and faces the wall "Make a woman out of me you hunk!" she exclaims. The man unbuttons his shirt. He takes it off. He throws it on the floor. "Iron it Bitch" - Tim Taylor (Oxford)
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