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10 Tips to Getting Over
a Breakup by Thea
Newcomb at http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com
Breaking up is
hard to do - but it's something we all seem to go through at one time
or another. Well most of us do anyway. It seems to affect us similarly
whether we are young or old, famous or not, rich or poor - or regardless
of where we are in the world. Below are a few of my soyouvebeendumped.com
suggestions that will hopefully help you decrease your recovery time and
maybe minimize the amount of mistakes made along the way.
1) Don't try to be their
friend - make a "clean break"
As tempting as it is, if you are still in love with your EX, and they
don't reciprocate the feelings and intensity, you're better off making
a clean break. I call it E.R. ("Emotional Rehab") - which is
basically just my way of saying "time to go cold turkey".
Most people choose to ignore
my advice, and remain their ex's friend -somehow imagining if they do
continue to be this wonderful, supportive friend, their ex will miraculously
see the error of their ways - and take them back. That so seldom happens.
Now some of you will insist on remaining "friends" with your
ex (or have to due to classes, jobs or children together) - so if you
are attempting this, be sure to set some ground rules. For example, do
not discuss your former relationship, your new partners, or anything else
that you know to be a potentially volatile subject. Resist every urge
in you to ask those personal questions - most of the time the answers
hurt! Keep conversations relevant to work, children or classes and away
from any emotional topics. It is not easy, we know but it is achievable.
Eventually many non-believers
come back to SYBD and say they finally had to take our advice and "cut
contact" because it really is too hard trying to be someone's "buddy"
- when you're wanting more. This is especially true when your EX starts
seeing someone new and they decide they want to tell you all the gory
details. No thanks. You're better off saying - "I care for you, and
maybe in time, when I am over the pain, we can resume a friendship."
While it is rare, in some
instances, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder and they do realize
what they have been missing and reconciliation is on the cards.
In others, the time apart
actually serves to make you see the relationship for how it really was,
and you just may realize you don't want to be their friend after all!
Finally, in other cases,
after you are over the EX and no longer harbor desires to get back together
- you can really become "just friends".
2) Do erase their telephone
number from your mobile phone
As text messaging is such a HUGE thing, especially throughout Europe and
the Far East, you'd be wise to delete their name and number from your
mobile phone (and address book) straight away. You may also be able to
bar their number from your phone too.
Deleting your ex's details
will save you phoning or texting them at 4am to ask "Why? Why? Why?"
you were dumped, or begging your ex, drunkenly, to take you back. That
method seldom (if ever) works for reconciliation - and often has the adverse
effect. Who enjoys getting woken up in the middle of the night by someone's
incoherent rantings? Or by being bombarded by text messages from someone
that just doesn't seem to get the hint.
3) Do delete their old
emails and their handle from your online "buddy" lists
If you can bring yourself to DELETE all of the old emails between you,
then do it. If that seems too drastic, at least put them onto a disc or
burn them CD and put them somewhere where you won't be tempted to continually
re-read each one over and over. You just end up torturing yourself.
Similarly to number two
- remove and block them from your buddy lists. I know you think it's a
minor offense, even quite harmless, to keep in touch with your ex via
email or instant messaging programs, but the only one you're fooling is
yourself.
Often you just end up spying
on them - checking to see when they are on (and wondering who they are
talking to if it's not you!), analyzing each message they send you, or
worse yet, you get hurt when they tell you they are off "out"
that night (and don't say where). It's an absolute nightmare, why put
yourself through all that?
In a weird sort of way,
keeping in touch electronically is a form of denial. It's a way of staying
in the relationship - even when the other person isn't physically there.
After six months or so have passed, then you if you want to, you can add
them back to your buddy list and allow them to see you again on theirs.
Hopefully enough time will have past where you are better able to handle
being in touch.
4) Don't sit around
staring at the mementos
Put away the letters, pictures and any personal belongings of your ex.
Box them up and put them in a closet or somewhere equally out of sight.
I have known some people to have ceremonial burnings, but that may be
a bit drastic, and after you're calmer and have healed, you may even regret
it. For starters, just box up all of the stuff until you have healed a
bit. Eventually you'll be able to look at the holiday snaps without feeling
sick to your stomach but not right now.
5) Do use a journal
or notebook to vent your pain, anger, frustration & so forth
You should never underestimate the power of pouring the words out onto
a page. This is even good for men, in fact it's generally exceptionally
good for men, as a lot of men don't have an outlet for their emotions
and pain. During the healing process often we don't feel like we are improving,
and the notebook or diary will show you just how far you have come if
you read it after a few weeks or months. It is incredibly cathartic and
it just may stop you from saying things to your ex you may later regret.
6) Do spoil yourself
This is something that both men and women can and need to do. Do so something
so simple as to having a manicure, facial or massage. Purchase that gadget
you've had your eye on. Both men and women can also benefit from picking
up some new items of clothing that make you feel attractive. We all want
to feel attractive - treat yourself as you would want that someone 'special'
to treat you. Have candle lit dinners - with all of your favorite foods
- just for you. You're worth it.
7) Do buy new bedding
& change your surroundings
It may sound silly but it's very powerful step that you can take to cleanse
the situation and start fresh. I have known some people to actually go
out and buy whole new beds. If you can afford it, go for it. There is
something to be said for sleeping in bedding with no history and no memories.
The same can be said by
changing the wallpaper or repainting an area - to make it more of your
own. Surround yourself in your home with things that make you feel comfortable.
Pictures of family and friends who really love you and support you are
a very good start.
8) Don't rebound
Give yourself plenty of time to heal from this break-up. Many people begin
dating before they are really recovered - it's almost as if they get bored
of the pain and healing process and feel they want to move on. It's a
fantastic theory but it doesn't always work that way.
Try refrain from immediately
trying to find someone to replace your ex and fill that void. Better to
work through your pain fully before returning to the dating pool. While
there is something to be said for rebound shags - it can sometimes do
more harm than good. We've all heard "you can't get over a man (or
woman) until you get under another". Don't bet on it. Dating too
soon often leads to comparisons to your ex, makes you feel lonelier than
not dating did, and can set you back emotionally further than before you
started to date again.
As much as we think this
bright, sexy, intelligent person makes us feel so good - at the end of
the day, they won't really be able to fill this VOID in you. Only YOU
can really make YOU happy. So the trick is to be happy within yourself
before you start to date again.
9) Don't listen to the negative self-talk
Once we have been dumped, there is a tendency slip into negative "self
talk" and to worry about so many things: if we will ever be loved,
have sex, or if we're too old, too fat, too dumb or too anything…to
ever be happy and fulfilled again.
Dispel thoughts like that
immediately and replace them with positive affirmations of your own self
worth. And remember just because your ex no longer finds you desirable,
doesn't mean that no one else ever will. It just means your ex doesn't.
So what? You are still you. You are still whole, complete and perfect
just as you are and it will do you good to keep reminding yourself of
that.
10) Do take charge of
your life - the world is your oyster
Use your time alone to focus on yourself and your own goals in life.
You can take a course in cooking, pick up a new hobby or learn seroc dancing
- whatever you want. Buy a house, a motorcycle, travel the world, retrain
for a new career or go for that promotion. The world is your oyster!
Get up off the sofa. While
some regrouping time is necessary, at some point, you should try to get
in yourself back in shape. If you've lost a lot of weight (due to that
lack of appetite!) then it's time to put it back on - and vice versa.
Start eating right and treating your body with the respect it deserves
-it's not the one who dumped you! Go running, walking, biking or to the
gym to get the endorphins swimming through you. You'll feel better if
you do and you will project that to all you meet.
Finally, one of the most
frequently asked questions we get at soyouvebeendumped.com
is "How will I know when I am really over my ex?" I think a
good gauge is if you no longer harbor feelings and desires of getting
back together. Not only that, but you can actually think of your ex having
sex with someone else and it doesn't feel like your heart's just been
ripped out of your chest and was stomped on.
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