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We all know that true love and infidelity don't go together. If you truly love somebody you wouldn't dream of such cruel betrayal however tempting the situations are. But what about Legitimate Infidelity and Emotional Infidelity? Are they morally right? If not, why are they perceived to be acceptable by society?

Legitimate Infidelity can happen when one partner uses temporary mini breakups as an excuse to shop around or to develop physical intimacy with another person. Some might not even tell their partner thinking that they have done nothing wrong. Some might, for one reason or another, reveal the affairs. This can cause just as much pain and anxiety. Starting a new relationship immediately without ending the old one properly first is selfish and irresponsible. In such circumstance, more than one person can get badly hurt.

There are different types of Emotional Infidelity. The first type to be mentioned here does not necessarily involve physical intimacy. Some people might let their so called friends intrude upon their love life causing unnecessary distress. True friends would not go out to sabotage your happiness. The two different relationships can co-exist harmoniously. There is no reason for the unpleasant situation. Usually, the person who gets caught in the middle is the one who subconsciously sets up the competition in the first place. It makes him or her feel important, being torn between two parties. There are also people, men or women, who are obsessed with individual celebrities totally consuming their living space. Their spouse has to chronically endure the invisible pointless competition that can never be won. It's an exasperating experience.

It's most common for women to be the victims in the last form of Emotional Infidelity. You only have to look around to see sexual and pornographic images everywhere whether it is in the magazines in a high street store or some dirty videos in a sex shop. Many women are too scared to admit it hurts them when their partner lusts after other women. So why do women suffer silently? The male chauvinistic view in history has made people believe that "boys will be boys". If women reveal their true feelings, they are being labelled as being unreasonable. Real men are born like that, they say. Some women, being pressurised psychologically, are so eager to please their men that they pretend it's all right. Dr Barbara De Angelis once appeared on a US national TV show to discuss why pornography destroys intimacy. She stunned the audience by candidly saying,

Are You the ONE for me? "Indulging in sexual fantasy about other people, in your mind, through reading magazines or watching films, is a form of infidelity. You've made a commitment to be sexually monogamous with your partner, and you are breaking it by deliberately focussing your sexual attention on someone else."

In her well written bestseller called Are You the One for Me?, Dr Barbara De Angelis has revealed the 9 Fatal Flaws to watch out for in a partner. This particular form of infidelity is mentioned in the section called Sexual Dysfunction. In the past, many a woman has contacted Dr De Angelis in tears regarding this issue and finally admitted the intense hurt their partner has caused.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what excuse you make, you have to decide inwardly for yourself if your conscience is clear.

Now, play this soppy music Your Cheating Heart recreated by Harry Todd, the Gitpicker ...

Wizdom 3 March, 2004

 

Further Reading:

 

 

Three Primers from NLP to detect lies and deceit

Primer 1 - Don’t Accuse - Allude

Asking a person outright, “have you been cheating on me”, will put him on the defensive. The objective here is to ask a question that does not accuse the person of anything but alludes to the person’s possible behaviour.

If he doesn’t realise you’re implying anything, then he’s probably not guilty. But if he gets defensive, then he knows what you’re getting at. The only way he could know is if he is guilty of the accusation. The point is, an innocent person shouldn’t have a clue what you’re alluding to.

You don’t want the question to be accusatory or too broad. For example, if you suspect someone of murder, you wouldn’t say, “kill anyone last weekend?” And asking, “how was your day?” Is clearly too broad.

You want the question to be framed in such a way that he will get suspicious of your asking only if he is guilty. He won’t react unusually if he isn’t, but as if it were an out-of-the-ordinary question. If you asked your neighbour whether space aliens had landed on her front lawn, you wouldn’t expect her to respond seriously at all. She may answer jokingly or just laugh it off entirely. And you certainly wouldn’t expect, “why do you ask? Did someone say something to you?” This response is curious for a question that should be taken as absurd.

When you ask the question, be matter-of-fact. Don’t square off. You don’t want him defensive unless he has a reason to be. Beware of all the clues to deceit, particularly the one about a guilty person continuing to add more information as he thinks of it and without your prompting.

Now, whatever is on the person’s mind will reveal itself in the conversation that ensues. If he’s innocent of what you suspect him of, then he’ll answer casually and leave it at that. However, if he’s guilty he will want to know what you’re thinking because he’s not sure why you’re asking the question. So he’ll question you about your question.

Examples of Phrasing Perimeters

The key is to phrase a question that sounds perfectly innocent to an innocent person, but like an accusation to the guilty.

SUSPICION: You think that your employee was fired from his last job because he stole from his previous employer
QUESTION: “Do you still keep in contact with your old boss?”

SUSPICION: You feel that your boyfriend/girlfriend was unfaithful the night before
QUESTION: ”Anything interesting happen last night?”

SUSPICION: You think a co-worker told your secretary that you have a crush on her
QUESTION: “Heard any good gossip recently?”

Any answers such as “Why do you ask?” Or “Where did you hear that?” Indicate concern on the person’s part. He should not be seeking information from you if he does not think that your question is leading. He should also not be interested in why you’re asking the question unless he thinks that you may know what he doesn’t want you to.

 

Primer 2 - Similar Scenario

This primer works by introducing a scenario similar to what you suspect is going on. There are two ways to do this - specific and general. This primer deals with specifics, while Primer 3 takes the general approach. This works well because you’re able to bring up the topic without being accusatory.

SUSPICION: You suspect one of your salespeople has lied to a customer in order to make the sale
QUESTION: “Jim, I’m wondering if you could help me with something. It’s come to my attention that someone in the sales department has been misrepresenting our products to customers. How do you think we can clear this up?”

If he’s innocent of the charges he’s likely to offer his advice and be pleased that you sought his opinion. If he’s guilty he’ll seem uncomfortable and will assure you that he would never do anything like that. Either way, this opens the door to probe further.

SUSPICION: A hospital administrator suspects that a doctor was drinking while on duty.
QUESTION: “Dr Marcus, I’d like to get your advice on something. A colleague of mine at another hospital has a problem with one of her doctors. She feels he may be drinking while on call. Do you have any suggestions on how she can approach the doctor about this problem?”

Again, if he’s guilty he’ll seem very uncomfortable. If he’s not drinking on duty, then he will be pleased that you sought his advice and offer it.

 

Primer 3 - It’s Amazing, isn’t it?

With this primer, you still bring up the subject, but in a general way. Casually broaching the subject in this manner provides great insight into the person’s innocence or guilt.

SUSPICION: You think a student has cheated on her exam
QUESTION: “Isn’t it amazing how someone can cheat on a test and not realise that I was standing behind her the entire time?”

SUSPICION: You suspect a co-worker of bad-mouthing you to your boss
QUESTION: “It’s amazing all the backstabbing that goes on around here, isn’t it? And these people doing it think that it won’t get back to the person involved”

SUSPICION: You think that your girlfriend may be two-timing you
QUESTION: “It’s amazing how someone can be unfaithful and expect not to get caught”

Again any answer that prompts a response such as “Why do you ask?” Or “Where did you hear that?” Show that your question concerns him.

Sometimes there is no need to confront someone who we feel has lied. We just want to know for ourselves. In instances like these it is not necessary to finish the attack sequence. Just use the primers to satisfy your own curiosity, or use the techniques in part 3 which allow you to discreetly gather information.

Note: Two other responses are possible for primers 2 and 3. The person may begin to speak generically about the subject or change it completely. A change in subject is highly indicative of guilt. However, if he finds your question interesting and he’s innocent, he might begin a conversation about it. This is a strong indication of his innocence, because he is unafraid to discuss the subject, and hasn’t probed why you have even brought it up.

 

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