You must be over 18 to read these jokes !!!!!!!
New Glossary
Terms for Stock Market Crash 2008
CEO
-- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO
-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET
-- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself
for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET
-- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING
-- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO
-- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps crashing.
BROKER --
What my broker has made me.
STANDARD
& POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST
-- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT
-- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.
FINANCIAL
PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION
-- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW--
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO --
What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.
WINDOWS
2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share
INSTITUTIONAL
INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT --
an archaic word no longer in use.
TOP
Secured Loan
A Chinese man
walks into a bank in New York Citylace and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells
him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on
the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything
checks out. The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a
good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral
against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari
into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later,
the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes
to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked
you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles
us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?" The Chinese
replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when
I return."
TOP
Fri
May 30, 7:05 AM ET TOKYO NEWS
- A homeless woman who sneaked into a man's house and lived undetected
in his closet for a year was arrested in Japan after he became suspicious
when food mysteriously began disappearing ...
Captain's
order [ transcript ]
The following
transcript was released by the Chief of British Naval Operations
in 1995, from a recorded radio conversation overheard at sea near
the coast of British Columbia.
NAVY VOICE:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collison.
CIVLIAN VOICE:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south
to avoid a collison.
NAVY VOICE:
This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.
CIVLIAN VOICE:
No. I say again, divert your course.
NAVY VOICE:
This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise. We are a large warship
of the US Navy. Divert your course now!
CIVLIAN VOICE:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
TOP
Mr Right
I married Mr Right.
I just didn't know his name was Always.
TOP
A Fierce Tribe
A Frenchman, an Englishman
and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe.
As they sit in a hut, awaiting
their fate, the chief comes to them and says, 'The bad news is that now we've
caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe.
The good news is that you get to choose how you die.'
The Frenchman says, 'I
take ze poison.' The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman says, 'Vive
la France!' and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, 'A
pistol for me, please.' The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman says, 'God
save the Queen!' before shooting himself.
The New Yorker says, 'Gimme
a fork.' The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker
takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and
screams, 'What are you doing???' The New Yorker looks at the chief and says,
'Sooo .. much .. for .. your .. canoe ..'
TOP
A Careless Wish
A married couple in their
early 60s are out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful
fairy appears on their table and says, "For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant
you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel
around the world with my darling husband," says the wife. The fairy waves
her magic wand and - abracadabra! Two tickets for the new QM2 luxury
liner appear in her hands.
Now it's the husband's
turn. He thinks for a moment and says, "Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my
love, my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than myself".
The wife and the fairy
are deeply disappointed, but a promise is a promise ... so the fairy makes a
circle with her magic wand and - abracadabra! The husband becomes 92
years old.
TOP
Shock Treatment
A woman went to the doctor's
surgery. She was seen by one of the new doctors.
About 4 minutes in the
examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older
doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, to which she explained.
After hearing the story,
the elder doctor marched back to the first and demanded of him, "What's the
matter with you? Mrs Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and
seven grandchildren and you just told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued
to write on his clipboard and replied, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
TOP
Our Human Resource Director
One day while walking down
the street a highly successful Human Resource Director was tragically hit by
a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly
Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said
St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You
see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resource Director make it
this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me
in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to," replied
St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have
a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you
want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've
made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
With that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down
to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out on to the putting
green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing
in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked
with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed
her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent
round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent
steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy
(kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having
such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook
her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up
and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend
a day in Heaven," he said.So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on
clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she
knew it her 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day
in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had
a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again
she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator
opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage
and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around
her.
"I don't understand," stammered
the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club
and we ate lobsters and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is
a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her
and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
TOP
An American man driving
to his office
"Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over
to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her
face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway
over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much. I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion
of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between
my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and theTwins, ruined the damn phone, soaked
my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!"
TOP
Little Leroy
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother
was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good
time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had
gotten into trouble at School and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought
he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought
he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on
his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about
how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why
you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Leroy stomped up the steps
to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1:
Dear God
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been
a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2:
Dear God
This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So,
he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3:
Dear God, I have been an "OK"! boy this year. I still
would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God
either. Therefore, Leroy wrote another letter.
Letter 4:
God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am
very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was
not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs
and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her
plan had worked, as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner."
Leroy's mother told him. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner.
Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see
if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and out of the church, down the street, into the
house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a
piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5:
God, I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF
YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO.
TOP
Why did the chicken cross
the road in 2003?
AEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head
of Information (a.k.a. "Comical Ali") The chicken did not cross the road. This
is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH We don't
care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is
on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us.
There is no middle ground.
COLIN POWELL Now to the
left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing
the road.
TONY BLAIR I agree with
George.
HANS BLIX We have reason
to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access
to the other side of the road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having
their motives called into question.
GRANDPA In my day, we didn't
ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the
road, and that was good enough.
RONALD REAGAN What chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD The fact
that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your
underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES eChicken2003
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the
chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON I did not
have sexual relations with a chicken.
THE BIBLE And God came
down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And
the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss
one?
TOP
US Stella Awards
It's time to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stellas
are awards for the most successful lawsuits by victims of self-inflicted wounds
in the United States. They are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled
coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. Actually, joint awards should
be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the flaming idiots on the juries who
awarded anything at all to these morons... The following are this year's candidates:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin,
Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle tripping over
a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store
were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little
toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
---------------------------------------------------------
19-year-old Carl Truman
of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his
hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone
at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
---------------------------------------------------------
Terence Dickson of Bristol,
Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the
garage. However, he was unable to get the garage door to go up since the automatic
door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was
on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.
He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He
sued the homeowner's insurers claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
--------------------------------------------------
Jerry Williams of Little
Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten
on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain
in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury
felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams
who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
---------------------------------------------------------
A Philadelphia restaurant
was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she
slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on
the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
during an argument.
------------------------------------------------
Kara Walton of Claymont,
Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city
when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two
front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the
window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded
$12,000 and dental expenses.
-----------------------------------------------
This year's favorite could
easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased
a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip, having driven onto
the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly,
the vehicle left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this.
The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually
changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any
other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
---------------------------------------------------
Darwin Awards
Ski Theft backfires
(February 1998) Matthew and his friends were sliding down a Mammoth Mountain
ski run on a foam pad at 3am, when he crashed into a lift tower and died. His
makeshift sledge of yellow foam had been stolen from the legs of a lift tower
on Stump Alley. The cushion is meant to protect skiers who hit the tower, and
the tower Matthew ran into was the one from which he had created his sledge.
There's a moral in there somewhere.
Gone Fishin' (25 May
1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in
the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply
of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the
fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect
his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same
fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal
to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
Lobster Vasectomy (2000,
England) This tale proves that crime does pay, if you're fishing for elective
surgery to go along with your stolen goods. A 24-year-old supermarket shoplifter
stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but
he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees
in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their powerful claws around
his delicate parts. Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They
say the thief will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a do-it-yourself
vasectomy." The supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit
has already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson."
Gun safety training
(28 February 2000, Texas) A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun
safety when he played Russian roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol.
Rashaad, nineteen, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play
the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol,
unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber
when the gun is cocked. His chance of winning a round of Russian roulette was
zero, as he quickly discovered.
What's that noise? (2
August 2002, Kansas) Police said an Olathe man was struck and killed by
a train after his vehicle broke down on Interstate 35. His attempts at repairing
his car had failed, and he had stepped away from the busy freeway to call for
help, when the train engineer spotted him standing on the tracks. The engineer
said the man was holding a cell phone to one ear, and cupping his hand to the
other ear to block the noise of the train.
Bees 1: Humans 0 (23
September 2002, Brazil) A farm keeper from São Paulo decided to remove a
beehive from his orange tree. He didn't know exactly how to proceed, but he
knew the hive should be burned, and he knew bees sting. So he protected his
head with a plastic bag sealed tightly around his neck, grabbed a torch, and
went off to fight the bees. His worried wife went to look for him a few hours
later, and found him dead. However, it wasn't the bees that killed him. The
plastic bag had protected him from smoke, stingers, and... oxygen! He had forgotten
to put breathing holes in the bag.
---------------------------------------------------
Statistics:
- 3 Brits die each year
testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
- 142 Brits were injured
in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
- 58 Brits are injured
each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
- 31 Brits have died since
1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged
in.
- 19 Brits have died in
the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
- British Hospitals reported
4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
- 101 people since 1999
have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
- 18 Brits had serious
burns in 2000 trying on a jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
- 543 Brits were admitted
to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
- 5 Brits were injured
last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars. and finally
...
- In 2000, 8 Brits cracked
their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
TOP
Dear Son
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but
it was very hard work. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me.
Love
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love
Son
At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best
I could do under the circumstances.
Love
Son
TOP
That Man
The madam opened the brothel
door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s
or early 50s. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie" the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else." said the madam. "No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000
a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills
and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly
left.
The next night, the same
man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one
had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive and there were no discounts.
The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie
and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the
man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive
night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie
questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. "Where are
you from?" She asked.
The man replied, "South
Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said.
"Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you
your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story
is: Some things in life are certain
1. Taxes
2. Death
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
TOP
What Marriage is about
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing
to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.
TOP
When Bush goes to Hell
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell where the
Devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to
stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks
here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have
to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool
of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his
fate in Hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
The Devil led him to the next room. In It was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer
and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the
floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush
looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle
this." The Devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
TOP
George visiting an elementary school
President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits
one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words
and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead
the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader
asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door,
is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would
be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT
LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches
the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice
he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile
and blown up to smithereens by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would
be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would
be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss."
TOP
Advertisements
Real UK Adverts:
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR
BELOW
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,
ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT
THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO
GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR)
Real US Ads:
Illiterate? Write today for help.
Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.
Auto Repair Service. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Stock up and Save! Limit one per customer.
For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Three-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue
Cross.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
For Rent: Six room hated apartment.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
Man, honest, will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
TOP
Arthritis
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus
one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face
was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking
out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading --- a couple
of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"? "Mister,
it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol
and contempt for your fellow men". "Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered
and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned
to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong
--- how long have you had arthritis"? "I don't, father, I was just reading in
the paper that the Pope has arthritis."
TOP
Birthday Present
A man asks his wife, "What would you most like
for your birthday?" She answers, "I'd love to be ten again." So on the morning
of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to the local
Theme Park. What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide,
the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there is! She staggers out
of the Theme Park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside
down. Right Into McDonald's they go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac
for her along with extra fries and a refreshing strawberry shake. Then off to
a movie. It's the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Coca Cola and
M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbles home with her husband
and collapses into bed. He leans over lovingly and asks, "Well, dear, what was
it like being ten again?" One eye opens and she groans, "Schmuck, I meant dress
size." TOP
The Castaways
There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking
just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only 3 survivors:
2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural
for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about
what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that
she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through
it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple
more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what
they were doing. So ... They buried her."
TOP
Chinese Torture
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.
Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray
beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly,"
the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger
on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known
to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.
Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and
had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't
keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he
ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night, he could bear it no
longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep
everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back
to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock
on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on
chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up,
walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed
another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to
taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped
out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw
a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied
to bed post."
TOP
The Clever Czech
Through the center of Czechoslovakia there a train speeding along. In one compartment
of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old
matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident. Suddenly the train
goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and
an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier
is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face
off. The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian
soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!" The
young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather
kiss that old hag than me." The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a
smart Czech, he steals the kiss and I get slapped." And the Czech dissident
is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my
hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier." TOP
Cultural Differences
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following
people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere....
* 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage
a trois.
* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
the German woman.
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning
and cooking for them.
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman
... and started swimming.
* The 2 American men are playing coconut-football and haven't noticed that there
is a woman.
* The Irish don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy
after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey.
TOP
Eager to Impress
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress
potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through
the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I'm sorry,
but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into
your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you."
He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can
I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
TOP
Genetic Experiment
A group of genetic scientists post an ad in the local paper. It reads, "Individual
wanted to mate with ape, $5000."
The next day, a man telephones and agrees to the experiment on three simple
conditions. The scientists are all ears.
"First," says the man, "my wife must never know. Second, the children must
have a religious upbringing. And third, if I can pay in instalments, I'm definitely
interested."
TOP
Her Handsome Prince
A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her cat as a friend.
One day, the lights went out as she sat knitting; she had been unable to pay
the electric bill. So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from
her childhood. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed her three
wishes. "First, I want to be so rich I never have to worry about money again."
"Second, I want to be young and beautiful again.'' "And last, I want you to
change my little cat into a handsome prince." *POOF* As the smoke cleared she
saw she was surrounded by big bags of coins, and that in the mirror was a young
beautiful woman. She turned as the handsome prince walked in the door, held
her in his arms and said, "Now I'll bet you're sorry you took me to the vet
for that little operation." TOP
Her Three Wishes
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went
into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her,
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed
the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was
a condition to your wishes (naturally) - that whatever you wish for, your husband
will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and
for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The
woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman
and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman
in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That will be okay
because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest
woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack." TOP
Material Man
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit
the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the
yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer,
look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic. You make me sick!!!", retorted the officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice your left
arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaawd ...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder
where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
TOP
Migraine
Cure
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraines. When the doctor
does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically
every therapy known to man for his migraines and still no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give
you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that
I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in
a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off
with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps
a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if
my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in
six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice
and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the
first time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."
TOP
Mother Knows
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't
help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious
of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the
eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter
just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you
'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take
a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear
Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
TOP
The Smartest Man on Earth
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon
flight on a small private plane.
Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts
of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute,
yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed
one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The
lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He
grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said,
"My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole
life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace". The little boy
handed the parachute back to the priest and said "Not to worry, Father. The
smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack."
TOP
Old Enough to Swear
There were two brothers, aged 8 and 6, getting ready to eat breakfast. They
decided that they were old enough to curse, so the eight year old said, "I'll
say hell and you say ass."
They went to the breakfast table and sat down. Their mother asked what they
wanted for breakfast. "What the hell, give me Cheerios," replied the eight year
old. The mother back handed him out of his chair.
As the older brother lay crying, the mother asked the six year old what he
wanted for breakfast. "I don't know," he replied, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios!"
TOP
She Wagers
A rather elderly lady carrying a soiled lunchbag walked into the main offices
of the Chase Manhattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's window, plunked down
the bag, and said: "I wish to make a deposit, but beforehand I'd like to meet
with the President of the bank."
The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a quick
count showed there to be somewhat over 3 million dollars in cash in the sack!
Flabbergasted at the amount, he called upstairs to the President's office and
explained the situation to his secretary who relayed it to her boss. The old
lady was ushered upstairs into the President's office and introductions were
made.
Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the President inquired:
"Are you in the stock market?"
"No."
"Play the horses then ...?"
"No, ... actually I do wager, ... but I prefer to bet on people."
"I see," said the President.
"Yes", continued the old lady, "As a matter of fact, I will wager you $25,000
dollars that by tomorrow morning at 9 O'clock your balls will be square!"
Speculating that he could not possibly lose the bet, the President said: "I'll
have to take you up on that one!" He and the old lady shook hands and parted
company. The President was very careful the rest of the day and did not go out
that evening to avoid risk.
Next morning as he was showering, he checked himself and all was as it should
be. He went to work humming! At exactly 9 O'clock, the old lady was again shown
into the President's office only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking
gentleman in an expensive suit. The woman explained, "This is Mr. Bartelby my
attorney, I always bring him along when dealing in large sums."
The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said, "Well I hate to tell you
this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000 richer!" The old lady asked
for proof, and in light of the sum involved, the President agreed to drop his
trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his scrotum. At this point the attorney
started to bang his head against the President's desk with vigor.
"What's wrong with him !" asked the President. "Oh him", said the woman, "
I bet him $100,000 yesterday that by 9:15 tomorrow I would have the President
of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!"
TOP
Tommy Cooper Selection
"I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking
please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking
money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is
my livelihood.'
"I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left
a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went
back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr
Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and
said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time
and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman
came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
TOP
Devil's Offer
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made
him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase
your income fivefold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect
you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and
their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment.
"What's the catch?", he asked. TOP
Voodoo
I went to the Acupuncturist the other day.
When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead. TOP
Dilemma
Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped
in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them. So ... do you
have lunch or go to a movie? TOP
Mother-in-law
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate
your relatives. In fact, I prefer your mother-in-law to mine." TOP
Mosses
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions. TOP
Life After Death
After watching a paranormal programme on TV, the
chronic Couch Potato asks his wife, "Is there really Life after Death?" The
wife takes one look at her lethargic husband and replies, "I DO hope so as there
doesn't seem to be any before that." TOP
Three Pints of Guinness
A man walks into a bar, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back
of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them,
he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time."
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the
other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised
that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. The bartender
admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The man becomes a regular
in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks
them all in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and
fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences
on your great loss."
The man looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking."
TOP
Worst Day of His Life
There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for
half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts
crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy
you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This
day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.
My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find
out it's stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return
home, and when I leave the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards
there. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an
end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ...." TOP
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