Spartoons 10

Supplied by Steve Watson. Thanks Soapy

Troy, Bullet and Scouse Naylor. The Reactor Front Stokers
Being oppressed by the Tyrant Dwarf.

BLOOD REED'S GUIDE TO GARDENING

"Ere Ello, Blood ear wi moi new weekly programme on gardn'nin. That means oi writes this once a week! This week (that's the one oi'm writing now). Oi'll be tarking abouts pests in the garden, an 'ow to get rid of em. The main bloody pest in the garden be the bloody moggy, 'e be forever diggun 'oles and crappin' all o'er the damn place, right bloody nuicence 'e be. Aye 'an bloody dogs like crappin' all o'er place too!
Now let me tell e bout moi Tractor, Oi got a nice tra'cor oi 'ave. It be big an' red wi' o little chimeny at front where smoke comes out, pouf, pouf, pouf, that be moi impersonation o' smoke comin' out! Ere my dad 'ad a pig farm you know- Moooo! Loiks 'at, 'at's moi impersonation o' cow!! Oi got a Mini as well you know, 'e be a real smasher 'e be. 'Ats red as well jus' loiks moi trac'or. Wonder if they be related? Anyway, what wuz oi tarking about, hmmmm, oi dunno, never moind, nex week I be telling e 'bouts building a bird bath. Birds use 'ey for bathing in 'e knows. Rait bye for now, See 'es all nex week. (That's the same time this time nex week, oi thinks!! Bye.)"

Love Blood Reed
PS. baahhh. At's moi impersonation of a lamb, that be.

Alex Brannon out of his Rack?????

GUESS WHO? POEM

I think my socks,
Have caught the pox,
'Cos their green and gone all rotten.
My eights shirt
Is covered in dirt,
Instead of covered in cotton.

When I'm in my pit,
It stinks of sh*t,
And Crabs are always biting.
You can see my lice wrestle with mice,
When Sound Rooms in white lighting.

I've got no power, to get a shower
And when told to, I get all shirty.
But never mind,
Life's a bind,
I think I'll just stay dirty.

The first 5 correct answers will receive a can of beer each.
All answers to AB(TS) Lister within 24 hours.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF LIEUTENANT STEELE

0730: Time to go 'on-watch' in the Control Room.

0735: Rise. Conduct ablutions, consisting of three circuits of the bunk, ten revolutions of the hamster wheel and seven lengths of the five berth sink, having been helped up by the Supply Officer.

0750: First 'on-watch' evolution....breakfast!

0815: Go to the Ships Office and 'type' the second line of a letter started three weeks before.

1015: Leave the Ships Office having wrecked the typewriter. To join George Malone in the Cab Space. George is fixing the Wardroom movie projector, for the twentieth time. The two of them watch a complete film and conclude that there is nothing wrong with the machine.

1240: Visit the Control Room to be shown the PPI and Ship Control where he settles.

1255: Relieved to carry out rounds.

1300: Found in the Ship's Office using the expensive Xerox paper to make paper airplanes.

1314: Lunch 'On-Watch'.

1320: Rack out, 'On-Watch'.

1940: Get up in time for another 'On-Watch' shower.

2015: Second 'On-Watch' movie of the day.

2300: Return to bed, still 'On-Watch', after a gruelling day.

Jim Slater and Phil Brough at Estaril Golf Course.
Jim lost 40 balls!!!.

BACK AFT FILM STARS
AND THEIR LEADING ROLES IN FILMS

Battle of the Bulge........................Mech Smith
The Bounty Hunters......................EOOWs
Doctor Do Little............................Andy Burns
On the water front.........................Stevie 'B'
Fanny Hill......................................Hazel
Sleeping Beauty..........................Topsy
The Big Sleep..............................Dave Milsom
Stalag IX.......................................Ray Burgess
From Russia with Love...............MEO
Jaws.............................................Ginge Gibson
Rocky I and II................................Eric
Wuthering Heights.......................Scouse1
Dirty Harry....................................Sam Salt
Flesh Gordon................................Alec Gorrie
The Invisible Man..........................Popeye

Eh lads, don't you think Sandy looks like a film star with that tash, Yeah:

Dopeys toothbrush, or Kojak's Hairbrush, or the Woodentops yard brush, or Bridgette Bardot's false eyelashes, or Van Goughs paintbrush, or the galloping Gourmet's pastry brush.

The twenty fifth of May [The date that is, not the Carrier].
"I hate blockades. Too much time ashore, disagrees with me!"

There was a young sailor called Eling,
Whose balls spread from the floor to the ceiling.
But despite their great size,
now here's a surprise.
His willy was purely a wee thing!

This poem was thought up by the TASO whilst in the shower???

Did you know that the TASO and G.O. went to the same School....What sort of clowns do they teach there?

There was a young TASO called LIN,
Who thought he was terribly skin.
With a face like a pallet,
Being smashed with a mallet
There was bugger all skin, about LIN.

Heard in the Control Room:

Ginge Geoghegan:........ "Ere Sir, would you wear shoes if you had no feet?"
Lt Hinchcliffe:............... "No, of course not, Why?"
Ginge Geoghegan:........ "Oh nothing Sir, just wondered why you wear trousers."

WHACKERS PAGE

This Week....'RACK REJECTION'

I have come to notice that 'Rack Rejection' is upon us once again, and it seems to effect everyone of us. This seems to happen near the latter part of every trip and so I decided to find out more about this disease. And the only person I could think of asking was Whacker the forendy.
Now for those of you who do not know, our Whacker has got himself a degree in 'Unsolved Problems'. And so I went along to see him and explained my problems to him. I also asked him from where he had obtained his degree, to which he was unable to answer. He said the answer to my problem was quite simple "People worry about not keeping a full watch". I asked him to clarify, and it seems that if one does not keep a 'full watch', then one worries about it, when one is 'off watch'.
He volunteered to test my rack out, just to put my mind at ease. So nine hours later he emerged saying that my rack was not at fault, I then asked him how he had managed it. He replied "It comes quite naturally."
So there you have it folks, if you think your rack is at fault, and you can't get to sleep. Whacker is only too pleased to test it out for you.

Harry

VACANCY

SPARTAN SOLDIER

Due to early retirement the post of SPARTAN SOLDIER has become vacant.
The 1st Lt feels the 'OLD' Spartan has served the cause and has suggested that he should be pensioned off as a Blue Peter 'not-so-cuddly' toy.
Applications are now being considered, for the important post of SPARTAN SOLDIER.
Qualifications for the post are as follows:
1: 44" Waist
2: Ginger bandy rubber legs.
3: Jelly Belly
4: Saggy Ti*s and a little willy.
5: Long 'rusting to death' beard.
6: Really nasty to the general public. (With particular emphasis on Children and OAP's.

The 1st Lt realises that the standard is 'rock bottom', and to get in such a state will require great effort by a NORMAL person.
A full kit will be provided i.e..
a: Spear.
b: Leather prong skirt.
c: 27" Helmet.
d: Leg Guards.
e: Sandals.
f: Clip on Willy.
Anyone interested (stupid) in this position will be required at every Harbour Stations to stand on the casing and snarl at the casing party, and get laughed at.
Applications should be forwarded to:-
The Spherical Buddha
Sound Room
Spartan.

If there are no takers then Ginge Geoghegan will remain.....................Signed Lt Walton Walters TASO

EDITORIAL

Hello again readers welcome to the new look Spartoons. New look because as well as being in smart new binders, hopefully to prevent them disappearing. We have for this trip an all new editorial staff, second-hand might be more apt, but you can judge for yourselves. I will be standing in for Rattler as editor and Hugh Porter will be taking over as deputy Editor and Fashion Editor. Graham Wrigley will continue to make you all laugh with his dazzling artwork, and our resident body-beautiful and sports correspondent Scouse Elwers will be covering all ship sports.
Another attraction is bound to come from budding Rock Star and teeny-bop idol George Hembrough, who will have a regular music slot. We are hoping to run 'two' problems pages, which will run alternately. Between Nose Kennewell, who will answer all your nasal problems, and Gary Marsland, who will answer all your problems on being 'battered by women'. A subject on which he is an expert. Needless to say any malicious dit's, stories, or scandalous details you would like to see in print, are most welcome. Thanks for reading.
John Pope...aka Popeye.

Senior Rates Satisfied????

At last Royal Naval Chiefs have come up with a plan they thought would satisfy the Senior Rates. Flag Officer Submarines approached FCMEA Mitchell-Knight and informed him. "We'll double your wages, give you another three weeks paid holiday, an extra two hours for your tea break, and you only need to come to work on Fridays"......."What every Friday". came the reply.

Alex Brannan on putting MEM 'Skullcap', GIVE IT HEAD on a diet, told him to take some weight off his feet. This he promptly did, he had a haircut.

Congratulations: LMEM 'Piggy' Page married Miss Susan Baxter in Barrow In Furness on the 12th September.

Nobby "Dauphin" Clark meanwhile is keeping mum about his impending decision. Tickets for his Stag Night are now available through the offices of this publication.

Scouse Hazeldean would like to inform our readers. He is not really queer, just a bit of a jazzer.

Superstar Elwers, not unknown in these columns as body builder supreme, is said to have added weight in plenty, to his already remarkable physique. When asked of his new heavy-weight image. He told us the weight gain was vast, a full 2 ounces.

STOP PRESS: Nobby "Dauphin" Clark has just returned from his latest "Dirty Weekend with Nobby" excursion, his only comment was "STACKS".

MUSIC SCENE By George Hembrough.

Dear Multitudes
I say that realising that the mere fact that I have condescended to write a column nay sparkling piece of Rock Journalism will probably increase circulation of the rag a thousand fold. Well this week has been a sad week for me, confirming my suspicions that all is not well in the Heavy Metal world. Owing to the lack of support for my latest gig in the Junior Rates Heads I decided to play a smaller venue on Sunday i.e. the Radar Office. Although the gig was not well publicised I was astonished at the apathy shown by my followers who stayed away in drogues. Consequently I have been forced to re-think my strategy, my master plan for super stardom. However I refuse to become a mere parody of some lesser musicians Clapton, Blackmore, Hendrix etc. However I think my MR CLEAN image will have to go. I have decided to abstain from washing, shaving etc and to have several of my teeth extracted (a la Motorhead). Ah the pain we mere stars must endure for our art.
Unfortunately I have only been able to complete six albums this week as on Monday I had to retain my creative genius. My maxim has always been and will always be Quality not Quantity.
Watch this space for more pearls of wisdom in the near future (providing my manager can negotiate suitable emoluments).

Yorkie Owen saw a sign in a hotel reception area saying "RING FOR SERVICE".
So he did and a tennis ball hit him in the mouth.

Then there was the clumsy Leading Writer who dropped a Durex in the photocopy machine, and it did not reproduce for six weeks.

Q. Why do Scottish pipers walk up and down while playing??????
A. Because it makes them harder to hit.

MEM Dave 'Idi Amine' Ashley would like it to be known that he is beginning to get a little hacked-off with all the digs that are being made about his little mistake he made in Faslane. He says that his new nicknames being adopted by the Soundroom i.e.. Splits, Tanky and Olive Oil, are lowering his character. And furthermore he would like to add, that because the tanks stretched so much. We can now carry an extra 10 gallons of Amine, which he considers a major contribution to the Submarines endurance at sea.

Sunny Lister went into his Doctors with a Duck-Billed Platypus growing from the top of his ear. The Doctor took one look at it and said, "That's a horrible looking thing, how long has it been growing there?"
"Well Doc" Said the Platypus, "It started as a pimple on my left foot."

Jimmy Offen was called to see Mick Graham.
"I have some bad news for you." said Mick. "I'm afraid those tests I carried out on you, indicate that you are suffering from V.D."
"Christ" Exclaimed Jimmy. "I must have caught it off a lavatory seat then."
"You must have been chewing it." said Mick. "It's in your gums."

How does Goody know which way to put his pants on?
Yellow at the front, and brown at the back.

Geoff MCP Pratt, saw MEM Nosestreet in the lower level while in the 3/4 power state. And asked a bewildered Nosey whereabouts in the lower level he could find the Main Coolant Pumps!
Credit also to Leading Seaman Woodhouse, who sent him there in the first place.

There was a throttle jockey called Yorkie whose neighbours invited him to a small-bore shooting club.
When he got there, they stood him on a box, and started shooting at him.

Then there was the Englishman who's Doctor told him to take six month's away from all forms of work.
So he got himself a job as a Plymouth Docky.

Sign on Senior Rates Bathroom door.
Will customers please note that the large polo mints in the urinals are not to be eaten.

Barmy Blodwin went to the Doctors with her mammary glands covered in terrible blisters...
"Good God woman". Cried the Doctor. "What on earth have you been doing?"
"It's all your fault". she wailed.
"My fault! How do you make that out?" inquired the Doctor.
"You told me to boil everything, before putting it in the baby's mouth."

"Listen here", cried Dave Ashley to his girlfriend.
"The next time you contradict me, I'm going to rip your knickers off, and give you what for".
"Oh no your bloody well not", she shouted.

Leading Seaman Woodhouse and his wife asked their daughter what she wanted for Christmas.
She told them. "I wanna watch."
So they let her.

Plymouth Dockyard have abolished the clocking-on system...From now on the workforce have to sign the visitors book.

Ships Quizmaster:........ "What is a Hebrew?"
Wardroom Answer:......"It's a male Tea-bag."

Spartan 2 deck occupation. February 1982-?

GAZZ MARSLAND'S PROBLEM PAGE

Dear Gazz,
My relationship with my wife has so far been a happy one. But when we returned to Plymouth and I arrived home unexpectedly. I opened the door to find her ready to strike me dead with a hockey stick, I don't understand it, as I took all my smelly socks to sea with me. And I had done all the washing up prior to leaving for Sea. Please can you help.
Yours Hopefully,
Sore Head from Plymouth.

Well Sore Head you have a number of choices:
1: Purchase a phone, and let her know you are coming home.
2: Sing the Happy Wanderer, when going up the garden path.
3: See the Doctor about your feet.
4: Buy a washing machine, and if you are feeling brave enough take away her hockey stick.

Dear Gazz,
A friend of mine is having problems with 3 'scrubbers'. I know he getting to know the second one very well indeed. He visits them every hour if he can. The trouble is he ends up naked without arousing their temperatures, what advice can I give him?
Yours Faithfully,
Concerned of 2nd Watch.

Well Concerned of 2nd Watch, tell him to buy some new paper disposable 8's. They are less expensive than the real thing and easier for the three 'ladies' concerned, to rip off. Or ask him to use the 'FAT' phone to the Laundry, and get LMEM Smith to arouse them, by tweaking their bits.

Sound Room 'Cheese and Bickies' party!!

Heard in the Control Room while in AUTEC, DIVED at ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY FEET

Lt Whalley: ..."Are the Freon's working?"
Lt Douglas: ..."Yes."
Lt Whalley: ..."Well it's rather hot in here."
Lt Douglas: ..."Is the Main Access hatch open?"

Spartan Sports Events in Bermuda

Rugby Versus Old Red Eye at Melbourne.

It was once again a great pleasure to play against our friends from the Old Red Eye Rugby Club. Temperatures were not really suited to the game, being in the 90's throughout, and with the humidity around 85% the chances of a Spartan victory were slim.
With several regulars missing, some new faces were in evidence. The Slob slotted into the second row, with Nose Kennewell playing his first game since leaving School some 15 years ago. Also in the line up were Steward come Stores Accountant 'Do us a favour' Brough, and Hazel the Jazzer on the wing.
Unfortunately on the pitch things did not go well, even the new strip did not help. From this you will gather the worst......we lost.
But after a short trip in the back of the pick-up truck we arrived at the home of Red Eye Coach and suckler of many a beer-can Dick Davies. Who welcomed us with open arms (the idiot), with full use of the swimming pool, barbeque hut and all the beer we could drink. A good time was had by all, even if 'Do us a favour' spent most of his time in the orange grove.
Unfortunately the only injury of the day happened when one of their players was hurled with typical Spartan force into the shallow end. I don't think I need say anymore! Under the influence of.....15 weary but happy Spartaneers arrived back at the Crossways Motel, in the back of the said Mr. Davies pick-up truck.
Although we lost we certainly enjoyed it.

Football Versus Somerset Eagles.....result win 5-2.

Scorers
Gazz Marsland 2.............King 1...................'Do us a favour' 2.

The Football Team restored a bit of order whilst in Bermuda, in beating a good Somerset Eagles side 5-2. Several players stood out in this game. George Edwards whose tackling left a lot to be desired, a bit vicious to say the least. Kev Baxter in goal, was his usual safe and sound self (I said I'd give him a good plug).
While up front Gazz Marsland and Phil 'Do us a favour' Brough played with both skill and speed. I suppose 'Macaroni Salad' King deserves a mention for the goal he scored. Although I don't think I ought to mention the fact, that he couldn't hack the pace, and finally succumbed half way through the second half.

Cricket
Junior Rates Versus Senior Rates
HMS Malabar

A sparkling finish enthralled the large crowd right up until the last ball was bowled in this tense and exciting match. The Junior Rates lost the toss and were put into bat by Squadron Leader Dunn. On a pitch that was more likely to favour Cockroaches than Cricket. After the early falls of Slob, Chesh settled down to hit a very useful 32 not out. No other notable scores were really evident, although 'Bomber' Bourne did much to aid the Junior Rates cause, with two sparkling overs of variation bowling. Total 87-6.
The Senior Rates were then put into bat requiring 88 to win. Colin 'My Boy' Elliot and 'Bomber' Bourne got the Senior Rates off to a steady but slow start. This all before Soapy Watson struck during the first over of his two-over spell. From the UC's Holiday Camp end (Bermuda State Prison end), he struck three times leaving the Senior Rates struggling. But a fine 25 by Zorro and a steady knock by Lt Cdr Chadwick, pulled them back into the game before wickets started to tumble again. At the start of the last over they needed 4 to win. After a quick wicket, with 3 balls to go and two runs required. 'Ely' Grey entered the arena, and from then on there was no doubt as to where the Victory spoils were going.
Result: Senior Rates won by 3 runs.

Jazzer Hazel used to dress 'off the peg'. But now the neighbours take their washing in at nights.

According to our Music Editor. A woman is like a piano. If she's not upright, she's grand.

Advice for Foxy: Half the girls here have TB. The other half have VD.
So sleep with the ones that cough.

VD is nothing to clap about.

Anti-Social diseases are a sore point.

Spartoons 11

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