Spartoons 11

Supplied by Steve Watson. Thanks Soapy

"I'll be glad when they get the periscope mended!"

MUSIC SCENE by George Hembrough.

Dear Multitudes,
I return once again to the pages of this tacky journal despite accusations from some of the less enlightened members of the Ships Company, of pretentiousness and high browism. My only rejoinder to these Philistines who obviously have no wish to improve their minds, let alone there vocabularies is "Bollacks". I hope these sentiments expressed in the simplest of terms will strike hope amongst you.
After my brief sojourn among my colonial contemporaries in Cocoa Beach, I was pleased to see that Heavy Metal is very much alive and kicking in the good ole U.S. of A. Despite this prolonged exposure however, there still seems to be a distinct shortage of Heavy Metal between decks with scant mineral deposits in the Senior Rates Mess. A few enlightened souls in the Junior Rates Mess and the Wardroom being a veritable wilderness for the Metal fan.
It is for these reasons that I decided to step up my concert tour of the boat in the vain hope that saturation tactics might produce the desired results. I was wrong. Upon proffering my meagre collection of Heavy Metal for the use of the lost souls in the Junior Rates Mess I was told, and I quote "GET THAT SHIT OFF".
Is there no end to this heresy?

Jumpin George Hembrough

Dolly 'Big Foot' Gray and Kevin 'Biffo' Hollis would like to inform all those interested. Moby Rash hurts.

In the Inner Rooms Cocoa Beach.
Lt Fry with a naked lap-dancer on his knee whilst discussing the Submarines trim? Was heard to ask the young lady. "And what do you do for a living?"

Medical Assistant Hollis's biggest rival WEM Gray after Saturdays Bermuda 2000, said his accident would not have been half as bad. If the lamp-post had indicated before cutting in front of him.

Well done to the TS's on their sponsored run. Who now have enough money to purchase themselves more sports gear. (Leotards and tights).

In the latest 'EBS connection head-butting contest'. Lt Cdr Marsden came out a head, a bump, a bruise and a cut.

BACK AFT BITS

Congratulations to 'Nodding' Pete Ruskin' who it is reported managed a '16 hour' rack session during the passage between Plymouth and Cocoa Beach.

The back aft axis powers association was also formed during this passage. After watching the movie 'Hitler' the last ten days. Adolf Zimmerman and Il Duce Whitworth decided it was time we had a society back-aft. They went about this by recruiting two square heads. 'Heinz Goothead and Wolfgang Singlewortz'. They then set about wiping out Stoney and Charlie, Charlie because of the size of his nose.

MEM(M) Brown, new to the Lower-Level this trip, has come up with two classics.

1. During a Chloride Drill: "Manoeuvring...Lower Level, permission to dose the Port Steam Generator with 500 Kgs of Sulphite". CMEA Burgess would like anyone to give him some advice on how to get nearly a ton of Sulphite to the Lower Level.

2. "Platform...Lower Level, Valve MW21 has just come off in my hand, and I don't know wether it's open or shut!"

New Reporter on the Trip
How to stick your nose in other peoples business
How to satisfy a bird when she sits on your face and wiggles
The effects of having a big nose in a Turkish Prison
Kenny Kennewell
The man with the snout for sniffing out headlines

For Scrote: What's the difference between an egg and a w*nk. You can't beat a w*nk.

Scrote would like to inform all concerned, that he had a good run in Bermuda.

We are pleased to announce through our columns that MEM 'Givit' Goodhead failed in his attempt to add to the carnage he caused in the States a year previously.

PADDY AND JOHNNY CRADDOCK

Like one of Paddy Craddocks curries,
Their the bitter end.
What to do with their cooking?,
Flush it clean round the bend.

Like their Cheese Ushes,
It make me think of flem.
Their always cooking garbage,
We hate the both of them.

People consider vomming,
At the sight of their meat pies.
And when they throw out rabbit again,
Everyone just breaks down, and cries.

What kind of creature made the scran,
Was it some kind of bat?
They can't find a good word for it,
But we can, SHAT!!

"Hey Paddy Where d'you get the new recipe from?"

By 1st Watch Egon Ronays.

Hazel is now to be known as the 'Mad Jaffa Cake Eater', because he likes the smashing orangy bit in the middle.

Why has Ginge Geoghegan got a beard?...........To hide his tusks.

COSMETICS: Well hello, here it the new article that everyone has been waiting for. The only article which will improve your beauty. It will give you the information to go out and trap what ever you feel like at the time. There will be tips for painting toe-nails, colouring hair, perms, face lifts, and shaving legs.
It has been noticed that a few members of the Ships Company have already been experimenting with make up and hair colouring, but I'm not mentioning any names. Keep up the good work lads. To go with this new article there will be a few evening classes held at various times starting with eye-brow plucking with John Sharp in the Junior Rates heads next Wednesday night after rounds. Also hair care with Paddy Owen on 29 bulkhead steps, just to mention a few of the up and coming classes. Onboard there are a few new eye shadows to chose from, including:
T.S. Pink
Shiny Bob Gold
Hazel Brown
Dave 'Boy' Green
NAVI 'Red' Roses
Ear piercing will be carried out by the usual blood thirsty duo, that's if they can raise the 'living dead'. Anybody wishing for legal information on being raped by women are to contact Gary Marsland. Who will also give hints on chatting up taxi-drivers for a lift to the Dockyard Gate, whilst wearing women's clothing.
For the fatty's amongst us, Bob Rae is at this moment giving keep-fit classes and advice for dieting. Tomo is giving advice for keeping fit and eating everything in sight. Dave Goodhead learns quick.
And Mary Selby, last years bikini model will be holding a fashion show for this years beach-wear in the Galley with new spring fashions by Mandy and Slack Alice.
Alec Gorrie and George Edwards are giving advice on how to deal with the problem suffered by most. The facial hair that hides the soft silky touch of the face, and will also demonstrate the silk hanky test by request.

The 29 steps (On location in Bermuda) Featuring Dolly and Paddy.
"Hey Dolly, surely you know not to use your foot as a brake,
But use these things on the handlebars see!!"

OFFICIAL REPORT ON THE ACTIVITIES AFT OF 58 BULKHEAD.
(This report has been researched by the COXSWAIN, whilst watch keeping in the Machinery Spaces back aft).

I was shaken at about 0250, pulled on my overalls and entered the Senior Rates Mess to the sound of Morning Zimmo, Morning Smudge, Morning Colin, Morning George and Morning Pete. I squeezed past Pete and Smudge, and helped myself to the usual entitlement of half a loaf snack, before making my journey back aft. On entering the tunnel I was greeted with the smiles of the off-going watch, as they passed me, saying "What the f*ck" and "Kin Hell".
Once in the Control-Room-of-Machinery-Spaces, someone pointed out that it was in fact called the 'Manoeuvring Room', and what was I doing in overalls. I replied that I was here to keep the morning-watch, when all of a sudden he thrust a cup in my hand and said "Oh here, you can wet the tea's then, two sugars skin". On this I progressed my journey and onto the 'Escape Platform', where at this time there was a lot of men stood around handing over the watch. Except for one who was standing holding the SFU20 hose and singing a chorus of 'Jail House Rock', then all of a sudden someone tapped me, I looked around, but there was no one there until someone shouted "down here". I saw Scouse Naylor pulling on the knee of my overalls. I bent down to speak to him, but he told me not to because Hazel was behind me. I looked around and he slipped me a wink and a smile, I straightened up as quick as I could because he did look rather dodgy to me. Then a fight broke out, Scouse Moss was shaking Virgil Jones by the neck and happily thought nothing of it, as it looked like a new training method. I started taking notes.
All of a sudden someone was speaking over the vices, but no one took any notice, when I enquired why I was told that no one listens to Des O'Conner and that it was for the lower-level anyway. The watch progressed on and time flew past, like Alex Gorrie in the usual panic and worried state. George Foster came on to the platform to make a wet-all-round for the Manoeuvring Room, singing the same old 'Sunderland are Magic'. When everyone knows that they can't play football, never mind being magic. Everyone smiled and said "Alright George", just to keep him happy. I looked back into Manoeuvring Room and had a sneaky look at Smudge having a go to zip up his overalls. When Pete came and sat down on the Manoeuvring steps, I knew my way forward was blocked. After a minute he rose and walked to the platform, puffing large clouds of smoke and checking the lighting. Goody sang another song down the SFU20 hose and then it was time to go to bed. As I left the tunnel For'd the Control Room was in 'Black Lighting' and people stood around shouting "Here come the back-aft shits" and "Oh, have you done a whole watch at last". Then I smiled and said "Yes!"

Supply Officer. "Don't suppose there's any chance of cashing a cheque. Aaargh!!"

Editors Note: I have received lots of dits about Steward Fox of which most are unpublishable. Here are the ones that are.

Q: What's the difference between Foxy and Elton John.
A: Elton John is a poof from Watford. And Foxy lives in Crewkerne.

If Foxy's brain was made of rubber, he wouldn't have enough to make a one legged sparrow a flip-flop.

Q: What's the difference between Foxy and a dose of clap?
A: You can get rid of the clap.

Q: What is the similarity between Foxy and homosexuality?
A: They're both a pain in the arse.

SM2 Smoothy. "Foxy can you tell me where the Mammary glands are?"
Foxy: "No I can't mate, not my part of ship."

EVEN THEY DO IT!

BACK AFT INCORPORATED
Now present this highly acclaimed, blockbuster feature presentation.

THE AFTERBRATS
All rights reserved.
Dave 'MGM' Green.

Starring:
Alec Gorrie................Lafayette
Eric Egerton...............Napoleon
Jazzer Hazel...............Duchess
Pete Dismore.............Scat Cat
Mac McGuinness.......Thomas O'Malley
Virgil Jones.................Tiger
Dolly Gray..................Uncle Waldo
Scouse Naylor............Harry the Mouse
Pony Moore...............The Butler
Jan Harvey..................Madame
Scouse Moss...............Milkman

Special Effects: Topsy Turner as the One Wheeled Haystack.
Gabble & Gobble (The Geese)....Sam Salt and Ginge Gibson.
Music by Des O'Conner. (But who will listen?)
Special thanks to: Brian (Abdul) Downie for supplying felt tipped pens for colouring the scenery.
And George Foster... 440V NE and G24V GD2. Earths and secondary lighting.

Another Spartan First. The remake of:
THE GREAT ESCAPE
Featuring
JEFF (COBURN) DASH
STEVE (McQUEEN) FOX
Film by courtesy of Spartan Trooping Inc. Produced by Pusser, Directed by Pusser.
Filmed on location RNDQ's Portsmouth.

Geordie Georgie Pudney Pie
Washed his crabs and made them cry.
When the Doc sprayed antiseptic his way,
Geordie Georgie ran away.

Hey diddle diddle Wrigley had a piddle,
And Bull-seal Kelway jumped over the gashcan.
Little blob Eyling burst to see such fun,
and Steve ran away for some more scran.

Little Bob Nunn squatted on his chum,
Eating his first watch UC's.
They put it up his bum, and threw it in his gums,
and said what a gay-boy are you.

Dave and Bill went up the hill,
to a watch brief from the TASO.
Dave fell down and smashed the ladder,
and Bill went waddling on.

DEPARTMENT OF TRADE REPORT

With defence cuts being what they are. Spartan has been sent away AGAIN to America, this looks as if it could be an annual event. As a parliamentary spokesman said "It is vital that we keep up trade links with the States".
There's your answer men, that is why we have taken up trading Tepol, Gash cans and sleeping bags with them. AUTEC has now been renamed Autrade. But as trading goes, we are only going to give them a sniff of the goods. And then back to sea for a week or two, to let the market price rise before making a big cash in, particularly in Fort Lauderdale. Because that's where the money is. In fact one LMEM onboard who has made contacts with a marina owning millionaire. Remember ?????, the fingermarks on his daughter from last year, they have not been washed off yet.

Head for the hills, Spartans Back.

Scouse Elwers 'bits':

First I would like to welcome my latest student to my 'body building' classes.... WEM Gray.
Exercises this week will be:
1. Cigarette rolling by numbers.
2. Winding up digital watches.

Advanced workout classes.
1. Pencil sharpening by hand.
2. Weight lifting. (Leading Cook Pipes puddings).

Leading Seaman Dash will be demonstrating walking and hitch hiking.

Medical Assistant Hollis said that next year he will not be going for the world land speed record, after suffering a major set back this year.......A WALL.

"Well No.1 underway at last"
"Yes, lucky the tug was going to Canaveral wasn't it"

THE FLY

Little Fly upon the wall,
ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered,
Now your stuck, you silly bastard.

Little Fly upon the wall,
ain't you got no sense at all?
When I press you on the tum,
All your guts come out your bum.

Q: How do you shake a Welshman?
A: "Taff, Taff your house is on fire..."

SuperNavi.

A QUIET DAY ON THE NUCLEAR SUBMARINE 'SPARTAN' SOMEWHERE AT SEA JUST AFTER BREAKFAST

All was quiet on board this vessel of ill repute, they had just had a 'one-all-round' in the Control Room (a rarity in itself) and the usual small talk could be heard above the gentle hum of the ships systems.

 The 1st Lt had just gone below for his usual walk round in the forenoon watch. Then suddenly the placid easy going mood was smashed as the Jimmy burst forth foaming at the mouth from below screaming "SAFEGUARD, SAFEGUARD, SAFEGUARD dirt in the WSC (Weapon Stowage Compartment) dirt in the WSC."

The officer of the watch woke up took note and piped "The canteen is now, oops EMERGENCY STATIONS EMERGENCY STATIONS, dirt in the WSC numbers 1,2, and cleaning parties close up." Meanwhile absolute hell broke loose, as men leapt from the messes the Cox'n cleared the bunk-space, and the men of Spartan manned their cleaning stations.

Two UC's broke out emergency dirt control bags and were first on the scene, however Killer said something and two men were rushed to the JR's mess to be revived.

The men battled on, comm's were as follows ……………………..

Brings back memories of any Spartan trip going anywhere or on the way from anywhere even in the middle of a maintenance period!! with practically nothing to scrub!!

Spartoons 12

Return to Spartan Main Page