Spartoons 12

Here we go again with yet another SPARTOON's series which will hopefully keep you entertained for at least part of this trip

Before I forget, I must say hello to some of our new readers who will no doubt be full of awe and wonder at the sheer excellence of our publication by the end of this trip. To the rest of you welcome back.

We have an all new 'toping' and' pranting deportment' in the shape of E.T. The new Leading Writer, plus all the usual contributors will continue to produce the high standards which has become the trademark of this truly amazing magazine. As usual though if anybody has any hidden talent, be it literary or artistic, please don't hesitate to submit your work to E.T., Graham WRIGLEY or myself, it will be gratefully received and used.

I don't want to spoil your enjoyment by rabbiting on so now it's over to you the reader

Rumours have been heard in the Defence buildings of many top nations in recent weeks concerning a new torpedo powered by Argon gas. Experiments came to fruition in Devonport recently when LMEM(M) POPE of HMS SPARTAN, the 'Black messenger of Death', gave the new weapon it's first trial run.
Judging by the results it is a short-range weapon to be feared, in fact range seems to be it's only setback.
Rumour has it that the legendary DON PARKER feels that the new weapon could prove to be far superior to the Royal Navy's current Mk 8's and 24's with further development. And is considering recruiting LMEM POPE to his team, which also includes such famous names as Paddy OWEN, George MALONE, John SHARP, Whacker PAYNE, Scouse ELWERS etc, in the hope that it can be developed in time for demonstration to his American counterparts. He is said to have described the weapon as devastating.
Only time will tell if any concrete plans are to be made? If there are, you can be sure to read them first in SPARTOONS.

[I remember the above incident, Popeye decided he couldn't be assed to wait for the dockside crane, and decided to carry the Argon bottle down the gangway himself. Half way down lost his balance, dropped the bottle only to watch it hit walkway at the bottom which resulted in its valve being snapped off. It then disappeared into Guzz harbour only to reappear three hundred yards off shore and traveled several feet into the air. I believe this was the first unofficial launch of what the American's later re-invented as a "Tomahawk Cruise Missile". Pity you didn't patent it, John!!!]

A big well done to the J.R's Darts Team who in playing two matches, one against HMS ALACRITY S.R's and the other against the Grapes Tavern. Won their match the Grapes on aggregate, with the pool score counting as well. Not only were they victorious in this quest but they also raised along with others the sum of £140. Which will be used to assist the purchase of a hearing aid for a young deaf Devonport boy.
The Cheque was handed over to the boys father by LSA PRIGMORE. The boys father and the 'Bunch of Grapes', sent their thanks to all those involved.

Seen ashore the other night Gary 'Marsha' MARSLAND celebrating his first anniversary?!!*
Regular readers of this publication may remember at this time last year, he was raped by two women. Who sent him back onboard wearing their clothes.
No luck this year then Marsha?

Riding on his Honda Bike
SLOB is not a pretty site.
Putt..Putt...Putting down the road,
PRIGMORE looks just like a toad.
Gives his horn a little beep,
end's up in a great big heap.

Protective helmet on his head,
should be on his bum instead.
See him kick-start on a slope,
SLOB looks like a stupid dope.
When he finally gets it started,
it sounds like he just fa**ed.

End of story is not far,
he doesn't want a motor car.
He's given up boys and men,
now on bikes he's got the gen.
He no longer gets a poke,
now he's got his new 2 stroke.

On returning to Blockhouse from a long and gruelling patrol. The pipe was made "All part III books to the Wardroom". All the books were handed in to the 1st Lt except one.
The 1st Lt said to the boy. "Where is your part III notebook?"
And the boy replied "Sir I lost my part III book down Q-recess"
To this the 1st Lt replied "For losing your notebook you will be on Captains report".
So the boy appeared at the Captains table bringing with him, a pack of cards.
The Captain demanded of him, "What do you mean, bringing a pack of cards to my table?"
and the boy said

"Sir, when I see the ace it reminds me there is but one God, you Sir.
The two reminds me how many time I have been weekend-leave this year.
The three, are the watches Red, White and Blue.
The four is the type of fish we carry MK 8, MK 20, MK 23, and the MK 24.
The five, the number of compartments. Fore-ends, Accommodation Space, Control Room, Engine Room, After Ends.
The six, is the number of days each week that I am duty.
The seven tells me of the masts. Attack, Search, Radar, Warner, Induction, Exhaust and Wireless.
There are eight tubes, six forward and two aft.
The nine is a constant reminder of the punishment I will get for losing my notebook.
Ten is the number of times we have been to Faslane this year.
The Jack reminds me of all the 'Jacky Bastards' living in the forward mess, who make my life a misery.
The Queen, there is but one Queen Sir, the Steward.
The King, is the King whom we all serve.

There are 52 cards in the pack, the number of Killicks that seem to be on my back.
There are four suits, the number of Killicks on my back at any one time.
There are 365 spots in the pack, the number of sailors the Jimmy thinks live in the For'd Mess.

So you see Sir, my pack of cards is MY part III notebook, SMP 6, Watch and Station Bill and Leave Record all in one".

To this the Captain replied "Boy, you are a fool, fined 10 days No 9's, 10 day's stoppage of leave and 30 days stoppage of Submarine Pay".

She whispered will it hurt me?
Of course not, answered he.
It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me!

I've never had it before, she said,
As tears welled in her eyes.
It's hurting quite a lot now,
It must be quite a size.

I've nearly finished now, he said,
His face betrayed a grin.
Now open a little wider,
And let me get more in.

Everything was going well,
Until she gave a shout.
Jesus Christ!! That bloody hurt,
Thank God, you pulled it out.

Now if you read this carefully,
a dentist you will find.
And not what you were thinking,
That's just your dirty mind!!

Somebody heard Chris COLEMAN talking to a 'Young Lady' in 'Commies' the other night. And promptly reported their conversation to us.

HMS SPARTAN Soundroom today proudly revealed their brand new secret short range portable active sonar, after years of secret trials onboard a Leander class frigate.

The portable sonar has a frequency of 7khz and has a Single-Ping and Ripple capability, however a minor fault occurred today, when the sonar accidentally transmitted without warning?

The TASO had immediate withdrawal symptoms, a throwback from the Falklands crisis, and stood the watch to!!

Anyone requiring 2 pantomime 'pussies' this Christmas contact George EDWARDS and Graham WRIGLEY. Graham is available as long as the script does not require him to do any work on walls etc. He's not got many lives left, and he nearly lost one of those, the other night during rehearsals. Meow! Meow!

The 'Young Lady' (Ha!!) involved with the 'twenty second wonder' was reported as saying she "felt very sorry for him". She added that she has "had better, but with practice". She thought "he could possibly manage half a minute", however, she wasn't prepared to suffer the training.
Jim DALE pleaded with us to tell our readers that it wasn't him, so here goes, it wasn't Jim DALE.

SPARTOON's will be awarding a prize of two cans of beer to the person spotted ashore wearing, in the judges opinion, the best 'Run-Ashore' tourist rig.
So show some imagination with your appearance, let's not leave it up to Graham WRIGLEY again, let's see the best of British instead.

Anyone wishing to purchase photographs from the Nolan's run, contact LMEM(M) POPE. Proofs are on display on 2 deck.

Now in the wake of 'WHO DARES WINS', a story of the S.A.S (Special Air Service), comes a new epic about the S.B.S (Special Breast Service).

Introducing Erika ROE, Bo DEREK, AB JEFFREY (Special Belly Service) who star in "WHO BARES WINS"

Never mind yer love or passion,
WINDY likes it doggy fashion.
On the floor, or in the bed,
WINDY takes it in the head.

Dave KELWAY went up to Windy GALE and said "I've got a bone to pick with you!" but then found out he was barking up the wrong tree. 'Windy' explained that he was in the dog house with his missus, so they went ashore to the 'Dog and Whistle' boozer to get howling.

'Windy' was out the previous night and started with a 'hair of the dog'. They trapped a couple of kennel maids who asked if they wanted a game of darts. 'Windy' refused saying that he didn't like playing games because he didn't 'Winnalot'. 'Windy' saw another dog and asked if he could bone her, she refused apologetically saying that she had just come on heat. He then called her a bitch.

He went back to the kennel maids and said seeing as how his missus had let him off the leash, he might as well start wolfing down the ale. 'Windy' told his bird that he was from good breeding and that his 'chum' was involved in a romance with the wife of his 'pal', well it was puppy love really.

The dog 'Windy' was with, spilled her drink all over his hush puppies. That did it, 'Windy' really did feel he was leading a dogs life.

Found on 2 deck last week by STWD FOX and STWD COLEMAN, was this easily recognisable ID Card. If not claimed it will be published again in the forthcoming editions of SPARTOONS. So if the owner would like to see the Editor I'm sure he could have the original back, at a price of course.

News reached our office earlier today concerning Marsha 'The Ripper' Marsland's latest attempt to improve his physique. He has enrolled with the famous ELWERS INTERNATIONAL BODY BUILDERS CLUB. He was seen recently in the Laundry going through his routine. The results as always, are so far remarkable. Just as we have come to expect from Elwers.

The proprietor himself spoke to us and claimed that Marsha would soon have the physique required to WOW the bikini-clad young ladies on the Florida beaches. Something along the lines of his own marvellous form.

One has to relate to some of his previous successes, and for this you need look no further than the Liverpool football team. Or so he claims?

We can only wait for the final results to be shown-off, to an obviously excited public.
We are waiting with baited breath.

If there is a Leading Seaman Windy Gale out there. Please take note. A message has been handed into our office.

It is as follows: WOOF BOW WOW WOW WOW BOW WOW BOW WOOF WOW WOW GRRRR WOOF GRRRR BOW WOW WOW BOW GRRRRRRRR WOOF.

How much is that doggy in the Sound Room, woof woof
The one with the shaggy brown hair, woof woof
How much is that doggy with hooks on, woof woof
The one with steaming boots on his paws, woof woof..

Is it true the Chief Ops tells everyone in Sheringham that he's a BIG-WIG on submarines, or is he trying to hide the fact?

We hope you liked the latest edition of SPARTOONS and we'd like to thank all those people who contributed:

John 'Popeye' Pope
Graham Wrigley
Paul Kayes
E.T. (Nice Bloke)
TASO
CAPT
The Flying Pig
TASO (Again)
Windy
G O Davies
TASO (Again)
Freddie Fox (didn't)
Neither did the Wardroom

And last but not least a person who is certain to make further headlines in this famous magazine. Yes you guessed it.....The TASO!!!!

In accordance with article S69B of the seamanship manual, this form is to be written in ink and submitted for careful consideration before a date with one of our red blooded fighting men can be arranged. All questions are to be answered to ensure an accurate grading.

NAME...................................................................................NICKNAME....................................................DOB.............................
ADDRESS.............................................................................................................................................................................................
FIGURE: SENSATIONAL.............GOOD....................FAIR....................OTHERWISE.................................................................
MEASUREMENTS: BUST.......................WAIST..............................HIPS..........................................HEIGHT............................
COLOUR OF EYES...................................COLOUR OF HAIR............................DO YOU HAVE DANDRUFF.........................
WHEN INTOXICATED WHAT DO YOU DO................................................................................................................................
DO YOU REGRET IT AFTERWARDS.............................................................................................................................................
DO YOU LIKE SAILORS.........................................................................WHY.................................................................................
HAVE YOU MET ONE........................................................DO YOU STILL LIKE SAILORS.......................................................
DO YOU WORK..........................................WHERE...........................................DOING WHAT...................................................
DO YOU MIND BEING STEPPED ON....................................................................WHY...............................................................
DO YOU DANCE: TWIST......................................SMOOCH.........................................ZULU WARRIOR................................
ARE YOU WILLING TO PAY HALF FOR THE DRINKS.............................................................................................................
DO YOU SMOKE........................................CIGARETTES, ....................................CIGARS OR A PIPE.......................................
WHAT KIND OF KISS HAVE YOU: MOTHERLY..........................FATHERLY..................................SLOPPY........................
COLD...........................HOT..............................PASSIONATE.....................................WOW........................................................
WHAT SIZE ARE YOU IN: NIGHTIES..................PANTIES.........................STOCKINGS........................................................
DO YOU LIKE RIDES: HORSE.................................................CAR........................................OTHER KINDS............................
DO YOU HAVE A HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND............................................HOW BIG IS HE..................................................
DOES YOUR FATHER HAVE A SHOTGUN............................................IS HE A GOOD SHOT...............................................
DO YOU LIKE MOONLIGHT WALKS...................................HAY RIDES.........................NUDE BATHING...........................
ARE YOU SOFT HEARTED.................................DO YOU LIKE KIDS................................CAN I HELP..................................
ARE YOU HOT TEMPERED.....................................................................OR JUST HOT..............................................................
ARE YOU ANGRY IF KISSED ON THE FIRST DATE...........................IF SO WHY.................................................................
DO YOU STAY OUT AT NIGHT............................................OR LIKE GOING TO BED EARLY..............................................
WILL YOU TRY ANYTHING ONCE.............................................MORE THAN ONCE.............................................................
IF YOU MEET A SAILOR, HOW WILL YOU GREET HIM........................................................................................................
...............................................................................................................................................................................................................
DO YOU WEAR MAKEUP............................................DOES YOUR LIPSTICK STAIN COLLARS.......................................
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF HE TURNED UP DRUNK.............................................................................................................
NEARLY SOBER..........................................................................IN FLIP-FLOPS..........................................................................
DO YOU WEAR UNDIES..........................................TYPE................................................................COLOUR............................
DO YOU LIKE SPORT: INDOOR............................................OUTDOOR......................................ROUGH................................
KINKY...............................................................BED.......................................................OTHERS...................................................
HAVE YOU ANY MORALS (IF YES) WHAT ARE THEY.........................................................................................................
..............................................................................................................................................................................................................
LIST OTHER LIKES/DISLIKES NOT COVERED ABOVE..........................................................................................................
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................
SIGNED...............................................................
DATE...................................................................
ON COMPLETION DOUSE WITH PERFUME AND RETURN TO SENDER
CONFIDENTIAL
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For official use only.
YOUR APPLICATION HAS BEEN CHECKED AGAINST OUR COMPUTER AND YOU HAVE RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING GRADE:
WOW..............................VERY GOOD.............................GOOD...........................FAIR........................MAYBE.........................
YOU ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH.......................................................................................................................................................
WE DO NOT DO MALE ESCORTS...............................................................................................................................................