Spartoons
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Supplied by Neil Geoghegan. Thanks Ginge
EDITORS GOODBYE
Hello one and all, well it's been a hectic week for we of the newspaper profession and the pressures of editorship have never been heavier. What with Stand-Too's, Event-This and Event-That, to make the Captain happy. Anyway this will be my last SPARTOONS as Editor, so its a little less uncouth than usual, but not much. And anyone wishing to take over should contact either 'golden boy' Walters or 'Green Lantern' Riddle who have offered to cover in my absence, with the help of the Chief Ops, Thanks chaps. Nominees should be in the following categories- Single, No financial commitments of any kind, No promotion prospects whatsoever, And basically not give a toss about anything at all.
Well apart from that there is nothing left for me to say except to thank everyone for their contributions, especially the 1st Lieutenant for all those dits about the Captain. (The photo's as well) Although most of them we couldn't use!!!!!!
Your Trusting Friend, The Editor
Ginge Geoghegan
P.S. To the Captain........"Were those two hundred cigarettes ok,
Sir?"
Heard in the Senior Rates Bathroom...
Certain SR........"Don't squeeze it, or it will get bigger!!!"
(Ed's Note:....But was he talking about spots???)
The Coxswain has got CLANKIES
DISEASE........... i.e. Always in the Mess in overalls, steals all the Victuals,
Watches EVERY movie shown, smells of oil, and only washes when people start
calling him lonely.....
(Ed's Note.......What's new!!!)
Is it true that the reason George Edwards shaved his 'set' off, was because he was pissed off with people calling him 'upside down head' ????
Heard in the Maneuvering Room. (A very pissed
off looking Scouse Naylor and Cess Pool being spoken to by the
EOOW)
EOOW: "And the reason you can't go water ski-ing in the Lower Level
Bilge is because the water is too deep for you".
UNDERWATER ARTISTS MAKING A SPLASH
Haunting words from the Rock Opera
TOMMY....."See Me"......."Feel Me"........"Touch
Me"....Echo softly from the loudspeakers deep in the grime and oil strewn
waters of Faslane.
Ginge 'Game for a Laugh' Gibson reacts spontaneously with the grace of a
Ballerina and the smoothness of a dolphin...Turning...Twisting in perfect
rhythm.
Wonder Hero W.W. Is said to be the brightest star in a handful of shiny
lights who have emerged as challengers in the fascinating new sport of
'Synchronised Diving'.
The high priest who coaches these new water babies is Mot 'my eyes do open' Burns, a man who studied at the Vienna Junior Ballet School and is an accomplished nurse. The idea was planted in his brain, when he watched the Busby Berkeley extravaganza's of the Thirties and took new life with those Esther Williams spectaculars in the Fifties.
Mot's training schedule is tough. He rises at 7 a.m. and supervises the dressing of his starlets. He then goes back to bed while they do their ballet exercises, then it's up again at Midday to launch his 'Spartanzia' team into the water. Once the music has started it's back to bed, knowing that his water babies are synchronising their lithe bodies in perfect unison and counting each beat of the music that Mot has selected for them. In this case the complete and unabridged works of Mozart. Dragging himself from his bed once more around Sunset he reluctantly recalls his 'children' to voice them a critical opinion of the day.
He does admit that the strain may be taking it out of him, but he will know when to call it a day. As the sun dips below the horizon, he relaxes with his divers, by reading them Sunderland Football Programmes and HMS Resolution dits.
Today the WW Underwater Formation Divers Display.
HEINZ BEANZ
We're going to have a Gang Bang
My brother Mark and Me.
We know a girl with great big tits,
who does it all for free.
We're going to rip her bra off,
her panties, and her jeans.
And take her back to our house,
and give her Heinz baked beans.
Actually we're going to f**k her but it doesn't rhyme.
The Maintainers New Disposable Bathythermograph.
"Right Sam. Report every 50 feet. We'll haul you up at 2000
feet."
ODE TO GRAHAM WRIGLEY SUPER SMOOTH
TRAPPING MACHINE THAT HE IS
(Song same music as 'Ernie the fastest Milkman in the West).
Here we go.....Two.....Three.....
1.
You can hear her knickers pound as they pulled across the ground,
The bouncing of her bosom as they swing around and round.
She ran into Market Street, no bra upon her chest,
It was Graham Wrigley's girlfriend. Big, fat, ugly TESS
Chorus:...Big Tess, Big Fat Tess.
2.
Now Tess was a widow, it's not surprising she's got boils on her
fa**y and only one eye.
Now that didn't bother Graham, he loved her true and deep,
even though she was a leper, and without any feet.
(Leper refers to Spider's Ex-Girlfriend).
Chorus:...Same as Last.
3.
They said she was "too good for him",
Bald, fair and Chic,
but Graham didn't bother, he muffed her twice a week
Chorus...As before.
4.
Now Graham had a rival, a smooth looking chap.
The Soundroom simp, Steve O'D.
He's a bloody twat.
Chorus...No chorus this time
5.
(Poor Graham, Ah, Ah)
Now Steve promised Tess all the good things in life,
like Dungeons and Dragons.
If she would become his wife.
Mega Chorus.....His Wife
6.
Poor Old Graham never had much to offer,
so he decided on a fight.
The venue was the JR'S sh*thouse, seven o'clock that night.
Big Chorus... (all sing) 'That Night'.
7.
7 O'clock came....everyone was there,
Spider sat in the middle trap pulling out his hair.
Chorus....His hair.
8.
They stood there, face to face giving each other the glare,
when all of a sudden Steve spun a shithouse brush clean into the air.
No Chorus.....(Tense moment, will Graham die?)
9.
But Graham was too quick,
things didn't go the way Steve planned.
And a bog roll came spinning from his hand.
Chorus....Big Hand, Big Hand.
10.
Tess ran between them,
and tried to push them apart.
But Steve got in the way,
and a shithouse seat hit him in the heart.
Chorus...Good shot...Stacks
11.
Poor old Steve didn't want to die,
now he's become the Soundroom Simp in the sky.
Where all skimmers are bent, and hogs like Tess are banned,
So now when he wants a wa*k, he uses his oppo's hand.
Big Final Chorus.....Baaaa Roooo
12.
Tess now lives alone,
Matelots give her the occasional bone.
Her body has gone to seed,
It's shriveled up just like a septic weed.
13.
As for Graham, he's gone onto higher things,
So look out boys.
Watch your RINGS.
THE SPIDER WEBB SUPPLEMENT
SPIDERS BITS AND PIECES.
1. PUT YOU TOGETHER AGAIN
2. WHAT'S ANOTHER (Y) EAR
3. YOU NEED HANDS.
4. BODY TALK.
5. DON'T THROW IT ALL AWAY
6. THE HOKEY COKEY
7. BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO.
8. SOVIN-EAR
9. I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU.
10. I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN.
Is it true that Spider Webb is getting a Watch change to 1st Watch to be with the rest of the Lepers.
SPIDER WEBB.
Effing Hell, It's not a dit. I HAVE got Leprosy!!!!
NOW SHOWING AT THE A.B.C. Screens 1/2/3
ALBINO RODENT ENTERPRISES
PRESENTS
SCREEN ONE.......SNOW WHITE AND THE
SEVEN DWARFS
Starring
TASO.....................................SNOW
WHITE
ANDY BURNS.....................DOC
KILLER.................................SLEEPY
LT FRY..................................BASHFUL
BLOOD REED.....................DOPEY
DAVE FORSYTH................SLEAZY
BUNNY WARREN..............HAPPY
CESS POOL........................GRUMPY
NAVIGATOR........................PRINCE CHARMING
FIRST LIEUTENANT.........THE WICKED WITCH
SCREEN TWO...RODENT ENTERPRISES..FORTHCOMING ATTRACTIONS:
KILLER in SLEEPING BEAUTY
JOHN WOODHOUSE in PAINT YOUR WAGON
SMUDGE 'BRONSON' SMITH
}
GINGE 'SHARIFF' GEOGEGHAN } 'AND JUSTICE
FOR ALL'
GEORGE 'REYNOLDS' EDWARDS}
ON WATCH UC's in 'DOG DAY AFTERNOON'
PHIL WAUGH returns in 'ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST'
2ND WATCH UC's in 'ANIMAL FARM'
SOAPY WATSON in 'FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD'
SCREEN THREE
'GREASE'
JEFF 'TRAVOLTA' DASH...........................DANNY
ZUCKO
SCOUSE 'NEUTRON' HAZELDEAN........SANDY
DANNY DANIELS..........................................KENECKIE
THE NAVIGATOR..........................................RIZZO
KILLER............................................................DOODY
JEFF YORK....................................................SONNY
BLOOD REED................................................PUTZIE
PINK LADIES
SONNY LISTER.............................................JAN
GINGE SHARP...............................................FRENCHIE
SLINGER WOOD...........................................MARTI
Introducing SCOUSE ELWERS as EUGENE and BOB PRIGMORE as COACH CALHOUN
'GREASE LIGHTNING' SUPPLIED BY HMS SPARTAN JUNIOR RATES
COMING TO YOUR SCREENS SOON !!!!!
"WATCH WARS"
STARRING
LUKE WALTON-SKYWATERS
CEE-FRYPIO
SEANTOO-DEETOO
OBI-WAN HINCHCLIFFE
CHEWBACCA KELWAY
HANS ABBOTT
DARTH NAVI
WHALLEY TARKIN
Special Appearance by 'The Jimmy' as
the Death Star.
The Captain as 'The Emperor'
Ginge Geoghegan (May the dits be with
you)
Jim Dale (May the Morse be with you)
Steve Pipe, Sandy Beech, Bunny Warren. (May the shits be with you)
PERISCOPE DITS
Captain (On Search Periscope): "Hello, TAS Officer to the Search Periscope. Can you make out what that notice says at 5000 yards bearing green 30?".
TASO (focusing his bionic eye): (Thinks now's my chance to impress!) "Let me see Sir...Take this down Petty Officer Abbott. M-U-R-M-A-N-S-K,,,, MURMANSK!!!!!????!!! OH SHIT!!! KIN'ELL!!!
Captain (not impressed) "No more Mars Bars for you, Comrade.!!!".
Captain: "Keep 59 feet, raise Search
Periscope".
(Minutes later)
Captain: "Lt Steele, would you like to take the periscope?".
Lt Steele: "Yes please Sir".
Captain: "Lower Search a touch ; keep 54 feet"
At Periscope Depth:
Captain (on Search Periscope):
"One volunteer to the Search Periscope please".
No Answer........
Captain: "One volunteer to the Search Periscope please".
Still no answer????
Captain: "Mars Bars all round???"
2nd Watch Officers (In unison) "Yes please Sir!!!!!!!"
'Wendy' Slater would like to apologise for any bad feelings still left in the Junior Rates Mess after her little tiff on Saturday the 6th February. He wants everyone to know that it was just Pre-Menstrual Tension and hopefully his next cycle will occur whilst on stand-off in March.
Matilda 'I've got a wooden spoon' Pipe would like everyone to know that he is no longer going to stir things up in the Mess. As his colleague Mandy 'Soup' Beech said he could use his whisk as it is more dignified than a spoon.
The Vet.
Alex Brennan.
I'm scale 'A' now. So I shouldn't have to wash my hands after
having a pee.
THE ADVENTURES OF TUFTY HEADJOB
Once upon a time there was a little girl of few brains called Tufty Headjob. Now Tufty lived with her mother, Idi, on the far side of the cultural chasm somewhere on two deck. Where Gremlins lurk in corners ready to gobble unsuspecting woodsmen as they wield their choppers to choral tones of "I'm a Lumberjack".
One day, Idi, a dark eyed beauty by anyone's standards, said "Tufty, go and deliver this Mars Bar to your old Grannie Chops who lives far across the chasm in an infinitely darker part of the bunkspace
Now Tufty was a lively bit of stuff and despite her mothers warnings about woodcutters and their choppers she tied a pretty pink bow under her chin and flounced off into the dark. Deeper and deeper she skipped into the bunk-space whistling a merry tune as she went, and getting up every-ones nose with her obnoxious comments. Unbeknown to Little Tufty, a fearful Ogre was searching out a victim for a subtle, and sometimes not so fu**ing subtle form of torture. This hairy, unkempt beast (well loved by the Jimmy for his immaculate bearing) was known by some as 'Mayhem Wiggerly' the phantom graffiti wizard. He had perfected, through many years of boldly going where no man in his right mind would go, a system of imprisoning unsuspecting maidens and princes (and the odd queen). In strip cartoons, exposing them to perils, dangers and criticism they would never have believed possible. Anyway, through the murk of Mech Gorries socks stepped mayhem.
"Hello Headjob" said Mayhem.. "And where are you going today?". Tufty was beside herself, she had been recognised at last! Fame.. It was just too much, and forgetting everything that Idi had told her she proudly flashed her Mars bar. Tufty explained that she was taking it to Granny Chops to help her work, rest and play. But owing to a bouy she couldn't find her way. She had forgotten to record the directions given to her by mother and was now at the mercy of Mayhem.
Mayhem was a sly bugger and seeing no one was around grabbed Tufty.
What will happen to Tufty??? Will she be spread all over the place?? Disgraced? Ravaged? Find out, read next weeks thrilling installment.
RESO Curriculum Vitae
Scene in HMS SPARTAN's Control Room, the speaker is a small pink Officer wearing water ski's with a fanatical gleam in his eyes. (Especially when the Captain is within striking range). He resembles a debauched Action man.
"When we (we?) were on HMS RESOLUTION, I can't remember whether it was before or after I invented Penicillin? Anyway we'd been tracking HMS SUPERB for eighteen years on various toe-nails emitted from the Wardroom Heads (Using the upwelling hyperbolic effect from the 'Boring Straits' don't you know) when we had a Scram..
Blasted Rods had welded themselves to the bottom of the kettle, at the time I was updating Einsteins Theory of Relativity. So I finished that off pretty damn quick, nipped into the old Reactor Compartment and pulled out those rods by hand, the CO and MEO were quite impressed.
Well we resumed the trail and I had HMS SUPERB nailed well and truly down to the last inch (No it wasn't in 15 dock) So I had time to develop the 'All Body Scan' for cancer detection. (The Chief Doc was well pleased) When 'blow me' didn't a Bally Old Hull Valve come inboard aft.
Well I can tell you that we were in pretty 'Dire Straits' (Bloody bad navigation again). We couldn't surface because at the time I hadn't invented the compressor so I had to get into the wet suit (used to be a dry suit but some rat-fink got to it first), borrowed the CH(OPS) piece, popped out of the boat at 600 feet and stuffed it into the hole. So there I was doing a casing crawl at 610 feet (blasted trim) and I thought I'd swim over and confirm that it was SUPERB visually, done a quick casing crawl on her (some wag had written ALFA on her fin) and casually swam back. The Skipper and MEO were well impressed.
Although I'd only been on watch continuously for ten weeks CO and MEO thought that I needed a break, so I popped into the jolly old cabin, done a few modifications to Concorde (I used to be a tactical advisor to the Red Arrows don't- ya know) dashed off a quick line to the Princess of Wales. Turning down her proposal and legged it into Sound City. (A silent Compartment manned by Deaf Mutes).
They had some funny wiggly lines on BBC2. Asked some chappy in there what they were, and received the traditional age old response "Phukedifino"
At this stage HMS SUPERB had become rather difficult to hold, told CO and MEO it was because of the 'down slope nutrient effect' coupled with the fact that some bastard had shut the dock gates, impressed yet again!!!!
Later after I'd got the boat safely to Periscope Depth (Not easy in Dry Dock). We received a signal from ESSEX informing me that I had won the Nobel 'Piece' Prize. And if you have seen some of the 'pieces' I've been with. You would know I jolly well deserve it.
At this stage of his dit 'Action Man' realised that he was alone in the Control Room with only a mound of Mars Bars for company, maybe the CO and MEO were really impressed!!!!
"TASO SPINNING DITS AGAIN MEO".
"YES SIR".
SPECIAL NOTE: The Leading Writer would like it to be known that he has nothing to do with this publication. And is only typing it under duress and threats on his life.
P.S. The Leading Writer also holds all the original scripts, and for a small fee will hand them over for all cases of Libel etc etc....
Scrote Eling wishes to be called
Minnie from now on.
Short for Minnesota Fats.
CLANKIES CORNER
BACK AFT TOP TEN
1. Hey Fatty Bum
Bum......................................Pete Dismore
2. Roll Out The Barrel........................................Sam Salt
3. I'm Dreaming Of A White Donkshop...........Ray Burgess
4. Cool Clear Water..........................................Stevie 'B'
5. Greased Lightning........................................Alec Gorrie
6. I can't get no, Satisfaction............................Eric
7. Queen Bitch...................................................Hazel
8. I Ain't Got Nobody.........................................Scouse Naylor
9. Build Me Up...................................................Brian the
Spastic
10. Ten Green Bellies.......................................Dave (MGM) Green
The Coxswain would like it to be known that he has found 'back-aft', and is staying for a weeks holiday.
Heard back-aft during the afternoon watch:
Stokes to Coxswain: "I'm going to do the milk-round now, want
to help?"
Coxswain: "What! you keep milk back here!!!"
Message: Will someone tell MEM Moores that LG280 is not a hair restorer.
'Zimmo Von Trips' alias 'Herman the German' wishes to send his humble apologies to all his 'swastiking' fans, for putting his foot in it!!
Q: What goes black, pink, black, pink, white?
A: Thommo having a w*nk!!!
The second (Power Watch) back-afties wish everyone a happy Valentines day. Cards and letters welcome (Hazel 50p per hour).
'Ferret' Gorrie does not sleep in the Senior Rates bunkspace...He has a burrow on 3 deck.
Chief Dismore would like it to be known he is not related to Giant Haystacks.
'Skimmer' Topsy Turner has no faith in submariners, that's why he minces around with his escape suit on under his overalls.
Dickie 'Tortoise' Longston-Hull has been seen crawling into his tea chest full of straw down in the dog kennel. He won't be seen again until next Spring. He has asked for any donations of lettuce, cabbage, saucers of milk, No.6 King Size, pints of CSB and little bits of diced raw carrot to be put aside until then.
Brian Downie would like it to be known that he is not Marvin the Paranoid Android from the popular TV serial. 'Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy'. He would much rather be associated with that equally famous 'Brian the Snail' from the Magic Roundabout.
Whilst in the States Mick Cheshire bought a ten gallon hat! After being in the shop for five minutes the shop assistant was heard to say.. "Would you like a sixty gallon mouth organ to go with it?".
MEM Jones was a virgin at the beginning of the trip, until that is he was introduced to Jazz
Chief MEA 'Des O'Conner' Burgess would like to know why in our last issue he was landed with this name. The answer is have you ever met anyone who likes listening to Des O'Conner?