Spartoons
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Supplied by Neil Geoghegan. Thanks Ginge
More Editors opening drivel......
Well I have received so many complaints about the last issue of Spartoons, you say it's crude, vulgar, degrading and nasty. Well that set me thinking, so I leafed through the dictionary to find a suitable word to answer you with. And after much deliberation my answer is bollacks. I'm already as popular as a Durex at a Catholic wedding, so your comments are like water off a PO (Walrus) Kelway's back. And if you didn't like the last one...read on............
Is it true that Lt Fry is a Mars Bar rep? i.e. A boob a day helps you work, rest and fall over a lot.
Is it true the POSA is caught in a time warp. i.e. Always getting up, or just getting turned in.
Is it true that Ginge Geoghegan smoking a cigar, looks like lassie having a crap (Ed: I'll get you for that)
Attention: First Watch, return all Mars Bars
Ode to the back afties......F**K Off
LMA Brennan (Scale A) has had a name change. This is due to the fact that he gets more time off than anyone else, and because he's a bit of a cowboy. New Name is 'Doc Holiday'.
EVT COURSES FOR SPARTAN'S LITTLE PEOPLE.
Cess Pool.....................Robinson's
Marmalade Golly
Lt Steele........................Scalextric Driver
Dave Forsyth...............Homepride Flour Grader
Scouse Nailer..............Night Watchman on Hornby Layout
Scrote Eling.................Stacking Matchboxes In The Canteen
THE ONLY GOOD THING TO COME OUT OF THE GALLEY
THIS TRIP, IS....
An Empty Slop Bucket!!!!!
Scene on the Aft Escape Platform during the
'Blitz'
"Do you hear there, No make-n-mends, No Leave, No cups of
Tea, No Breathing for Propulsion Junior Rates until further notice."
The buzz that George Edward's commando
crabs have mutinied after he refused to issue them with umbrella's when he went
for a shower the other day is absolute rubbish.
George hasn't had a shower...However there are some mercenary crabs available
for 'steaming boot' and 'No 8's' take-overs.
Able Seaman Thomas was sat at home one
night watching the television, when a public information film came on. It said
"Be seen, wear something white at night". So Thommo put on his white
suit, white hat, white gloves and white shoes, and went out for a walk.
Unfortunately it was snowing, and he got run over by a snow-plough.
'Mandy' Beech is leaving the Royal Navy to become a Pea Sweetener at the Ritz. Personally, I always knew he was a sweet pea.
Sam Salt lost his map of the submarine the other day. And when it was found in the bathroom he was heard to say, "It can't be mine, if you found it in there. Cos I don't go in there.
ANYONE INTERESTED IN DANCING LESSONS SHOULD WATCH THE NAVIGATOR WHEN HE IS MAKING SITREP PIPES !!!!
Heard on the Aft Escape Platform (Scene: LMEM
'Piggy' Page eating Nutty).
Chief of the Watch...."Can I have a Sweetie please?"
Piggy Page..............."Yeah sure,.......... are you busy
Hazel?".
ONE QUIET NIGHT IN THE SOUND ROOM
"2 pen HF contact Porky"
THEN
"May we come In?"....."Yes sure you can".
Hey stop pushing.. I can't see anything...I
say, look at that....
Ere Bert look at this, scuse me moosh.
MASTERMIND
Magnus Magnusson............."Your name
please".
Scrote....................................."Scrote".
Magnus Magnusson.............."And your Occupation?"
Scrote....................................."Sonar Acoustic Analyser".
Magnus Magnusson............."And your chosen specialist subject?".
Scrote...................................."Wa*king from 1977 until the
present day.
Magnus Magnusson............."But you can't have that!!!!!"
Scrote...................................."I've started, so I can
finish"
TIP FOR FOXY: SCREW MIDGETS, THEY'LL THINK IT'S BIGGER!!!!!
ALBINO RODENT TOP TEN
1. Super
Trooper..........................................................First Lieutenant
2. Do, Do, Do, Da, Da, Da..........................................Blood Reed
3. Me and My shadow..................................................Piggy
Page and Wally Wallace
4. Reunited....................................................................Dash
and Woodhouse District Band
5. Killer
Queen...............................................................Ist Watch
185 operator AB/SM Kinrade
6. This Will Be The Last Time......................................SSIXS 4
7. Rock Bottom..............................................................HMS
Sceptre's Ships Company.
8. You keep knocking, but you can't come in..............Wireless Office.
9. Flunky Music..............................................................Jim
Slater and Freddie Fox
10. Silence Is Golden....................................................HMS
Spartan.
HEARD IN CONTROL ROOM LEAVING FASLANE
Navigator:........... "Good run
ashore then General?".
General: .............."Groan, Slump, Uhu, Mmm not bad, Moan".
Navigator:........... "Good, standby to take a fix".
General:.............. "Bacardi and Coke please".
Fu*k sake I've had enough of this. There must be one Superhero left here that wants some points.
Surface!! Volunteers for the dive lets get this rattle sorted out.
TASO "Ready Sir".
Tally Ho! Tally Ho!
Putt Putt, Thud, Smash
Couldn't find it Sir.....No Christmas card for him....
Leading Seaman Forsyth has asked if a mousehole can be cut into the bulkhead of the Junior Rates Mess on two deck. So he can get into the Mess at mealtimes without being stood on.
Lt Steele has asked the Canteen Staff if they will save all the lollipop sticks for him, so he can pole vault into his bottom rack.
Lt Steele, Leading Seaman Forsyth and The POSTD are making a human pyramid so they can reach the Goffa machine.
HOW A PUSSY WAS MADE
Seven wise men made up their minds,
to build a pussy of their own designs.
The first a carpenter, full of wit,
with a hammer and chisel, he made a split.
The second a blacksmith, black as coal,
with Anvil and Wedge, made a hole.
The third a tailor, long and thin,
with a piece of ribbon he lined it within.
The fourth a furrier, big and stout,
with the skin of a bear he lined it out.
The fifth a fisherman, old and bent.
with a rotten herring he gave it the scent.
The sixth a preacher, with a BA Degree,
patted it, felt, and said it would pee.
The seventh a Rabbi, a mean little runt,
rubbed it, blessed it, and called it a .............
the end
FOXY TO JIMMY RIDDLE
FOXY: "Hey Jimmy like my new set?"
JIMMY: "Yeah, that looks really good Foxy".
FOXY: "Do you think I could take over from you as the SM2
smoothie?">
JIMMY: "You will have to give up your sexual perversions".
FOXY: "What about the Hedgehogs?".
JIMMY: "You don't eat Hedgehogs!!!".
FOXY: "I know, they eat me.....".
THE TALES FROM THE SWAMP
Walking home late one night near the swamp, Little Stevens heard a strange eerie groaning noise coming from nearby. He walked nearer to see what was making this haunting sound.
Suddenly, a horrible mutation erupted from the swamp, covered in slime it made sickening groans and made it's way towards him. Stevie petrified could hardly move.....
Little Stevie fled screaming. The creature carried on moving slowly, slime dripping off it, making it's form more clear as it went along it seemed to know its destination.........
Then it arrived at its destination... "Morning George, Just got up?".
'Tales From The Crypt'. Was brought to you courtesy of 1st Watch UC's Horror Films Inc..
Q. Who said "We shall fight them on the
beaches"?
A. Winston Churchill
Q. Who said "England expects every man
to do his duty"?
A. Lord Horatio Nelson.
Q. Who said "What the flying fu*k was
that!!!".
A. The Mayor of Hiroshima 1945.
WARDROOM DIT
Captain to First Lt: "I
really don't know how we are going to get rid of that rattle"
In walks Lt Walton Walters "Hi fans".
1st Lt: "Oh God".
Walton Walters: "Why not fire me out the forward SSE at 1750 feet
with a blow torch and I will fix it".
WARDROOM: "Gasp" (Lt Steele dives under Captains shoe).
1st Lt: "We can't do that!!".
Captain: "No we haven't got a blow torch".
Walton Walters: (under his breath) "Thank God for that, still it
must have impressed the Captain".
Captain to 1st Lt. "Silly *!!~##**".
One day the crew of submarine SPARTAN wondered what the most awesome, horrific and disgusting thing in the world was. This caused much arguing and fighting amongst the crew. So finally they decided to consult the Epileptic Oracle. Yes the Screaming Skull of 3 deck caverns, none other than LRO Riddle.
However no one was prepared to go alone, so it was decided to all go together. Down they went into the misty 3 deck caverns until at last they saw an unnatural glow emanating from a secret room, and they knew they had found their first goal.
They all nervously lined up in front of the Oracle, and together they asked their question. The Oracle pulsated, its glow waned and then increased. And in between screams and contorted visions it replied.
"In the far southern anus of the submarine, down as far as man can reach. In the primordial depths of the lower level there lives a creature that wallows in the organic slime of the bilges. That it is so horrendously disgusting and unclean that no man has ever been the same after meeting it face to face!!!".
The crew of SPARTAN looked at each other and replied. "Oh you mean Dave Goodhead". And contented went about their business.
AN ODE TO STEVIE 'B' (Sung to the music of Sandra Dee)
Look at me I'm Stevie 'B'
MEA of the Watch you see.
Braby and Weirs, are getting to me,
I'm a pissed off Stevie 'B'.
Oh God, the Brine pump is knackered again,
Won't be finished till well after ten.
Wanted to watch the movie tonight,
They thought I would bite, they're right.
Now I'm bloody mad as hell,
Overalls greasy, don't half smell.
All covered in shit, In this low level pit,
Poor old knackered, Stevie 'B'.
Now I've finished, I'm off to bed,
Want to rest my weary old head.
Don't want to drip, but the Weirs just tripped,
No bed for Stevie 'B'
Scene: Control Room, 0400 Zulu. Contact classified Soviet Nuclear Submarine.
Captain: "Range now inside 1000 yards. Starboard 20, maintain 6 knots in the turn, steer 310.
WEO: "I have 3 High Frequency neon's, bearing 190".
SHIP CONTROL: "The Canteen is now open".
Captain: "Target is very close now. Watch leader I'm going to the Sound Room". (Leaps away, arrives in Sound Room).
L/Sea Geoghegan: "Hello Sir, any chance of a dit for SPARTOONS?".
Editors Note: I think the Captain looks like Burt Reynolds, don't you everybody?!!!!
Lt Steele categorically denies that he did any of the stunt work in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
JR'S MESS: (Telephone Rings)
"Hello Junior Rates Mess, LWEM OWEN speaking".
Voice on phone: "Sorry wrong number".
LWEM OWEN "That's OK, it was ringing anyway"................
?????????
MUTANT 2 DECK BUCKET (SAILOR)
Description: Legend has it that these creatures were once, friendly sailors. Who spent their lives 'scrubbing out' under the guidance of the Evil Count Morgan. Who slowly mutated them through deception, treachery and alchemy into their present form.
TORPOINT TRANSVESTITE ASSOCIATION
The Torpoint Transvestite Association, have launched an appeal to find new members. Their Chairman Alec (wonder woman) Gorrie has said that he would like to open the doors of the club to those who live across the other side of the water.
Meetings are held once a month in the local WI Hall. Dress for these occasions is casual, dress, tights or skirt and blouse/jumper. A dinner dance is held twice a year, Summer and Christmas, at which evening gowns, stockings and suspenders must be worn by all.
The Chairman has stated that other members of the club onboard who live in Torpoint will shortly be 'coming out', to reveal themselves. And will be quite happy to give advice on dress, make up etc, to those interested. A limited amount of clothing is held by the club which is available for hire. New members are asked to wear their own, as the Chairman put it 'Frilly panties' at meetings.
If you would like any more information Alex Gorrie can be found in the Senior Rates Mess. Switchboard Room (practicing daily safeties) or occasionally in Maneuvering Room giving demonstrations of incorrect drills on the Reactor Panel.
Q. What's the difference between Spider
Webb and a Leper?
A. Leper's carry a bell...!!!
EDS NOTE: This has now been rectified. LWEM WEBB now has a bell.