Spartoons
16.gif){kind=small}
Supplied by John Duffy. Thanks JD
SPARTOONS AMERICAN TOUR 1984
EDITORS BIT
Hello and welcome to the first
edition of Spartoons for 1984. This is the first edition of Spartoons since the
highly successful publication on the German trip last year. So to most of you
this magazine will be a new experience:- A bit like Dankoman having a shower, or
the Coxswain smiling on watch.
So therefore I hope you enjoy reading the dit's which some of your mates!!??
have taken the time and effort to submit for your enjoyment. Anyone can
contribute to this magazine, so keep that in mind. The run-ashore Stateside
should be good for dits........So lets have them in as soon as possible so that
Spartoons can again be published before New London.
See you all ashore...[Mine's a John Collins] Have a nice day
J Duffy Spartoons Editor 1984
AN ODE TO OLD JOHN HAGGARTS SEX LIFE (AGE NOW 62)
From 20-30 When he
was young virile and alright,
It was twice in the morning, and three times at night.
From 30-40 He was
still alright,
he missed the odd morning.
but mainly at night
From 40-50 It was just now and then
From 50-60 It was "God only knows when?"
From 60-70 If he's
still inclined,
but don't let him kid you, it's all in his mind.
His sporting days are over, his little light is out,
what used to be his sex appeal, is now his water spout.
It used to be embarrassing to make his thing behave,
For nearly every morning, it stood and watched him shave.
But now he's fuc*ing ancient, it sure gives him the blues,
To watch it hanging down his leg, and watch him shine his shoes.
Q. What's the difference between a packet of Polo's and the Coxswain??
A. People like Polo's.
SPARTOONNEWSFLASHSPARTOONNEWSFLASHSPARTOONNEWSFLASH
Basher Briggs is reported to have had RABBITS tattooed on his head!!!!
From a distance they look like HAIRS.
During the recent Assisted Maintenance Periods, on one of the rare occasions I was actually onboard. I was working on the after escape platform, when I overheard a conversation between two Jan Dockies. It went something like this:
Jan...."Whereas yer been then
Denzil?"
Denzil.. "To a Union meeting Jan".
Jan...."Anything interesting Denzil??"
Denzil.."Yeah, the Executive have reached a new productivity agreement with
management Jan".
Jan...."What be that then Denzil???".
Denzil.."Well Jan, we get 12 weeks paid holiday a year, a free car, 3 hour
lunch breaks plus two extra 1 hour coffee breaks. Double pay and we only have to
work on Fridays".
Jan...."What!!! EVERY Friday!!!!!"
Q. How do you separate the men from the boys in the Sound Room?
A. With a crowbar!!!!
Unknown T.S......"I see AB Rogers has been turned in".
AB Downton......."Yeah, looks like he took his handover from Harry".
JUST A COUPLE FROM THE CATALOGUE OF DWEO'isms
When on the Search Periscope was heard to say
"Fwd Staff, there's a little
drip on this periscope".
The Fwd Staff agreed...........
"REA...does it have to be raised to pump it up"...........????!!!!!
"Who the fu*ks that weirdo. I hope he ain't coming over here. I know I'm a slut but this is going beyond a joke."
"Cor, she's looking at me. I might be in with a chance here. Perhaps she's looking at my dolphins. I mean can you blame the woman for looking at a handsome qualified submariner like myself".
OVERHEARD ON THE AFTER ESCAPE PLATFORM
RALPH...."What's up
Eric?"
ERIC........"The water in this tea, tastes fu*king foul".
RALPH...."That's because they put updock in it".
ERIC........"What the fu*ks UPDOCK ???"
RALPH...."Nothing sweetie".
I hear the CHOP(S) has
crossed a rooster with a packet of 'treats' and got.....
A cock that melts in his mouth, and not in his hand !!!!!
SPARTOONNEWSFLASHSPARTOONNEWSFLASHSPARTOONNEWSFLASH
It has recently been revealed the name of the culprit/bastard who writes the TASO's sitrep pipes for him....
None other than AB(TS) Rogers ZZZZzzzzzzzzzz
DENNIS THE MENACE.."Darby Allen's an old fuc*er, I bet he worked on the Victory during build!!"
BEEF STOCKS.............."Fu*k off....I bet he was on leave and on full subsistence!!!!!".
THE LAST OF THE DUNNERS DITS
During the quiet 2nd Forenoon watch, back aft....
11.30am
MAN ROOM.."Lower level...Manouvering".
L.LEVEL......."Lower level".
MAN ROOM.."Shutdown the Weirs"
L.LEVEL......."Shut down the Weirs,..Roger".
11.32am
MAN ROOM.."Lower Level...Manouvering".
L.LEVEL........"Lower Level".
MAN ROOM.."Start up the Weirs".
L.LEVEL........"Start up the Weirs???? Eh Roger!".
MAN ROOM.."Sorry about this Lower Level, but Fwd Staff have just informed
us that Petty Officer Owen is having a shower."
L.LEVEL........"Oh Roger".....(Totally understands)
11.33am
MAN ROOM.."Lower Level...Manouvering".
L.LEVEL......."Lower Level".
MAN ROOM.."You had better start up the Braby as well, we have been told
that Shiner Bright has joined him
"Help, Sector, contact, Oh God, Chief, Chief. Phew it's faded...Hey Vad's put that fag out, tuck your shirt in, and stop talking. Roy stop drooling on the passive trace. For god sake Dankoman get a shave and tidy yourself up. Beaky why are you out of the beams?? I wish I could be like Phil 'Veg Head' Summers."
MAN ROOM..."Lower Level...Manouvering".
FRED FOX......"Lower Level".
MAN ROOM..."Is No 4 full yet ???".
FRED FOX......"Yeah, just pumping the after bilges now".
S/R 1...."I see the Coxswains
rack is soaked again".
S/R 2...."I didn't know he swamped".
S/R 1...."He doesn't....he just DRIPS".
Just before we sailed the P.O.Cook went to see the caterer of HMS Drake to get some scran for this trip, and the conversation went something like this:-
POCK..........."Pound of brains
please".
CATERER...."What kind of brains P.O.???? Artificers brains are 10p a pound,
Officers brains are 20p a pound, and Coxswains brains are £100 a pound".
POCK..........."That's incredible, what makes Coxswains brains so
expensive?".
CATERER...."You have to kill a hundred before you can get a pound!!".
Q. What's the difference between a
brick wall and the POSTWD?
A. The brick wall is interesting to listen too.
Q. How do you fit 4 TS's on a bar
stool
A. Turn it upside down.
SOUND advice from the CHOP(S).......Never talk with your mouth full.
OPPS.........................."Controller,
Opps"
P.O. KETTLETON...."Controller".
OPPS.........................."What exactly do you know about sonar
controller??"
P.O.KETTLETON......."Rockall Sir Rockall".
MORE OF THE LAST OF THE DUNNERS DITS
ODE TO GEORGE
Patacake, patacake, BREAKERMAN
Lose the supplies as fast as you can,
Pat it and Prick it and drop the M.G.
All because they tripped the T.G.
An Alcoholic is someone who drinks more than Dave Stocks.
Back Aftie showing a Part III trainee through the tunnel.
B.A..........."Take care going
through this air-lock, Phil Boland cut his finger off on this door."
PART III...."What the WHOLE finger???"
B.A............"No, the one next to it."
AFTER THREE WEEKS AT SEA............
Brum Lowbridge...."The
Captains in Manouvering".
Lt. Hunter................."I didn't know he was onboard"
Zorro.........................."Did he bring the mail with him?"
Charlie......................."Who cares, lets eat him anyway"..
ADVERTISEMENT..................FOR SALE
Walking Frame V.G.C.
Offers????? Consider Part Exchange for Wheelchair
Apply George Fleeters.
Somebody tell Chief Whitworth his friends will be waiting for him on the Jetty.
Q. Who picks his nose and then wipes it on the lagging
Answers to:-
OBVIOUS ANSWERS INC
LAUNDRY STAFF
58 BULKHEAD
H.M.S/M SPARTAN
Yes even we've heard about you DENNIS !!!
FWD STAFF......"Hello DWEO
Sir, we don't see too much of you in the Control Room these days".
JAFFA................"Well I'm practicing to be the WEO."
HANDOVER IN THE CONTROL ROOM
Shiner Bright......."We
are at 68 feet, search periscope is up, attack periscope down, shutters open.
Racket dangerous is in force."
Ten Tits Masters..."Yeah thanks Shiner, I got it."
FIVE MINUTE PAUSE
Ten Tits
Masters......"Gary"
Gazz Marsland......"Yes Mate"
Ten Tits Masters....."What time are we going to Periscope Depth?"
Gazz Marsland........"Tosser".
PLEASE PLEASE, MAKE THE ARGENTINIANS START
SOMETHING
NEXT TRIP. SO I CAN GET A MEDAL!!
THANK YOU GOD.
PART III TRAINEE FILLING IN PAGE 7 OF HIS PART III NOTEBOOK
PART III...."I know who my
Divisional Officer is, but who are all the others?"
J.R............"Such as?".
PART III...."The Captain".
J.R............"Oh he's an incredibly nice chap, names Commander
Robertson". [plug from editor]
PART III...."What's the Jimmy's name?".
J.R............"That would be Lt Cdr. Loste Brown".
PART III...."What about the Coxswain?".
J.R............"He is Coxswain Hodder".
PART III...."Is he clockwork??".
J.R............"Why do you ask?".
PART III...."Well Chief Green back aft said he was 'basic to wind
up'.!!!".
WELCOME
The Forendies would like to welcome Jock Scott. The Gay Geordie Boy from
Whitley Bay!
WELCOME ABOARD JOCK
P.S. He gives good shakes........Specials!!! available on request!!
SPARTOONS COCOA BEACH COMPETITION
We are looking for the BEST DRESSED
TOURIST 1984.
This prize was last won by Tony Best in 1983
PRIZES
1st...100 of the TASO's best
sitrep pipes. (under the heading BEDTIME STORIES)
2nd..One pair of Jeff Jeffrey's underpants (aka 4 berth tent).
3rd..One original Buck Rogers cold, guaranteed for an extra 24 hrs rack
time.
4th..One of the TASO's shoes, for that boating trip you've always wanted.
5th..The Captains alarm clock. (known not to work).
HEAVEN SENT
LWEM(O) Gorgeous George Malone died and went to Heaven. At the pearly gates he was met by Saint Peter.
St Peter..."Who are you, and
what do you want?".
Malone...."I'm Gorgeous George Malone a Forendy of HMS Spartan and I would
like to come in".
St Peter..."So you're Maloney, I have heard you worked very hard as a
forendy so come in and enjoy your hard earned rest.
Saint Peter then took George inside
and introduced him to all the celebrities that live in Heaven.
SUDDENLY
An ageing man with a full set, gray hair, wearing white overalls with a Mk 24
torpedo under each arm, stormed past him, obviously in a grump.
"FUC*IN HELL said George ITS THE WEO".
No!!, said Saint Peter. Its only GOD.... But he likes to think he's the WEO...!!
Nice one WEM Malone
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
JR SHOOTING AGAIN
Now back aft there is a GREENIE,
A wholesome nice young man.
Who always pulls his plonker,
As often as he can.
For those who dare to wander,
in Gobblers Gulch bunk-space.
Can often hear the Russell,
of him pulling 'like an ace'.
His stories not so happy,
as I have first made out.
But one that's full of sadness,
intrigue, danger and doubt.
It started back last winter,
with snow upon the floor.
When a thing in a dark blue raincoat,
came out from behind a door.
It's face was very haggard,
with hair upon it's chin.
The eyes were shot and baggy,
and probably kicked in.
Although the arms were covered,
It was possible to see.
That the devil in the raincoat,
couldn't 'pop a mushy pea'.
Our hero wasn't shaken,
or taken up with grief.
As he'd recognised this monster,
As his own bizarre Fleet Chief.
Unhappily dejected,
at being recognised.
The Fleet Chief took a crabby knife,
and poor Jack did circumcise.
So there you have the story,
of Jacks predicament.
So it's not cos he likes playing,
But pure embarrassment.