Spartoons 17

Welcome once again to the pages of SPARTOONS. It was touch and go as to whether we would be able to print an edition for this patrol but here it is. This sadly will be the only edition for this trip and also the last edition for 1983. SPARTOONS has had a very good run this year with 4 excellent editions, this being the 5th.
Will 1984 be any better, we will have to wait and see, although many of the main contributors to our magazine are going on draft. The help, skill and enthusiasm of Steve OD and Paul Kayes will be sadly missed. Thank you both for your help and support in the past. Thank you also to the few people who have contributed this time, you know who you are and without your input this edition would not have been possible. Also a big welcome to our new Wrecker CPO Fruit Bat. So now I have great pleasure in presenting to you this final edition of SPARTOONS for 1983. May all of you have A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

WHICH "WATCH" Magazine concludes:-
1st Watch is like an Oscar winning film.....Well directed, well produced, and full of stars and professionals.

2nd Watch is like a cheap porn movie......No direction, no class and full of cock ups !!!!

Q. What's orange and bounces up and down?
A. A kangaroo in an orange survival suit.
Q. What's brown and sad and bounces up and down?
A. A kangaroo with a 126 !!!!

Kev Danks (Dankoman) was heard to say and I quote:
"My rack smells like honey" unquote.

We at the SPARTOONS news desk ask IS IT TRUE that Ginge (29's Planks relief) is selling his fringe to the CHOP(S) ???????

Q. What do you get if you stand Bullet and Harry back to back?
A. A Pickaxe

Paul K..."Oh god John, have we just had a blow back on the shit tank?"
SBH.....(Shoddy Body Haggart)...."No, Lee Plumes just walked past".

Runners up in the recently held YOUNG CHIEF STOKER LOOK-ALIKE COMPETITION
are
TAFF (Goaty Beard) BEVAN and
FLORRIE (I'm just old enough) FORD

Q. What have Fruit Bats and Epsom Salts got in common?
Answers on a postcard please.

Most Chief Stokers are of a special breed,
They stand by their boys when in need.
A shoulder to lean on and a sympathetic ear,
Someone to look up to, and never need fear.

But OUR'S..Oh Dear!!!.. What can I say,
His second childhood has come into play.
With his Gene Autry boots and head banging gear,
To crawl on all fours, toppers with beer.

To sleep with SA's.?? We will leave it at that,
He said he was tired!!! What a load of crap.
Mind you with "Vivian" as his second name,
I think Smudge is exempt from all blame.

At the receiving end of the Doctors clenched fist,
Didn't feel knack all, cos he said he was pissed.
They both put it down to mistaken I.D.,
But Andy Burns meant it if you ask me.

Now give him a dance floor and a throbbing disco beat,
And watch him keep his body in time with his feet.
He thinks he's Travolta or Ginger Rogers Fred,
But looks more like a chicken with no fuc*in head.

Most people on jolly's buy a rabbit or two,
Or even a postcard of some exotic view.
But not our Taff, how does he get his kicks,
Is to pester a barmaid for her smelly knicks.

Now you've been slandered, but the ode sure does fit,
I suppose all the boys are now deep in the shit.
Goodbye 'make-n-mends', the extra work will roll in,
You might have three buttons Chief, but we are going to win!!!!

12 Middle Watches
11 Cups of Coffee
10 Morning 'scrub outs'
9 Night Round Reports
8 Upper Levels loafing
7 Tiffs a tossing
6 Mechs a mincing
5 Lower Levels manking
4 RPO's complaining
3 EP's a sleeping
2 TCPO's
And a MEO with a shitty on.

This letter was recently found in the mail box by Ginge Knighton and kindly handed over to the SPARTOON Editorial desk for publication.

Dear Santa,
Just a quick request, can I have a lathe, a milling machine, 25 fishing rods, 18 model planes, an Indian carryout, some more wood to make a mess with, and if possible can you come down the Snort Induction Mast and put it all on my rack. Along with all the other shit I have managed to collect. If this is possible I promise to leave it on every other bastards rack during DED.

Spartoons Temporary Memorandum 7/83
Dit about Maggie Magee on watch in the Control Room

Passive..."CEP Sitrep, Passive 270 2 High 8 Low"
CEP........"Roger"
CEP........"Passive, CEP, What was the bearing?".
Passive..."Bearing 270"
CEP........"Roger"
CEP........"Passive, CEP, What were the pens?".
Passive..."2 High 8 Low"
CEP........"Roger"
Wideband...."Wideband, CEP Sitrep...Wideband 290 grade 2".
CEP........"Roger"
CEP........"Wideband, CEP say again".
Wideband..."Wideband, 290 grade 2".
CEP............"Roger".
CEP............"Wideband, CEP, What was the bearing?"
Wideband.."Bearing 290".
CEP............"Roger".
CEP............"Wideband, CEP, What grade did you say?"
Wideband..."Grade 2
CEP............"Roger"
Wideband and Passive..."Fu*k Off"
CEP..........."Roger".
Wideband and Passive..."AAAaaaarrrggghhhhh"

Q. What's the difference between Sleeping Beauty and Thommo?
A. Sleeping Beauty only slept for 21 years. (And who would want to slap a lip-lock on Thommo?)

Is it true that Thommos sleeping bag has gone to the Doc Andy Burns complaining of a bad back!!

Q. Is it true that Troy is the Green Goddess?
A. No, he's too fat to be a fire engine.

Q Is it true that Phil (alias Fruit Bat) Fruin is known in the Senior Rates Mess as COD GOB...Because he bites so easily.

Some of the 'pipes' onboard are shortly to be replaced by updated versions. For Example.

The PLANT is in the 3/4 power state...Will be replaced with
The FRUIN is in the 3/4 power state.

Part III..."How much water do we use FWD and AFT?"
MMUL..."500 gallons AFT per day and FWD depends if the CHOP(S) gets up."

Q. What's the difference between a Victor Class 1 submarine and Ian Woodstock?
A. About 10 decibels in favour of the Victor.

NAME: BLOOD REED.
BIRTH-DATE: MENTALLY, NOT YET CONCEIVED. PHYSICALLY 23/08/60
BIRTH PLACE: TWO ACRE MEADOW.
HEIGHT: 5' 11" WEIGHT 11 STONE. WAIST 34"
AMBITION: "TO GET MY OWN TELEVISION SHOW LIKE WHAT COUSIN WURZELS GOT".
TURN ON'S: TRACTORS, SHEEP, OOH AR IN, DRINKING CIDER, MORE SHEEP.
TURN OFF'S: NON RESPONSIVE SHEEP.
FAVOURITE MOVIES: ANIMAL FARM, NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK.
FAVOURITE PEOPLE: WURZEL GUMMIDGE, MASSEY FERGUSON.
SECRET FANTASY: A BIG COCK FOR ME TO FIGHT WITH.

Tim.. "You look shagged Scribes".
Scribes..." I have been up all night typing".
Tim.........."SPARTEMS?"
Scribes..."Yeah".

Captain......"Why are we listing to port, Trimming Officer?"
Lt Pickles..."That's the side the notice boards are on".
Captain........"SPARTEMS?".
Lt Pickles....."Yes Sir"

Main Broadcast..."Heads are now out of use.....Blockage".
Ships Company...."SPARTEMS?"
Main Broadcast...."Yeah".

AB/SM Vadgama.... "Nobby have you read SPARTEMS yet?"
L/SEA Clarke..........."Not quite, I'm on Chapter 10. It's not very good, I think the Jimmy's going to die in the end".

One day on the port side of the fin.
Captain............"Able Seaman Downton why are you painting the fin white?"
AB Downton...."I'm doing it in accordance with the 1st Lt SPARTEM 55 Volume 2 Chapter 27".

The Captain with a somewhat puzzled expression moves to the starboard side of the fin

Captain................."Leading Seaman Donovan why are you painting the fin black again?"
L/Sea Donovan...."Latest Amendment to SPARTEMS Sir".

Captain..."I say No.1, has the Coxswain done his B.S.Q. YET???".
XO..........."No Sir, he's still too busy reading SPARTEMS.

L/SEA Kamis...."Permission for BIFFO to relieve me on the 185".
CHOP(S)..........."Steady team leader, we don't have enough headsets for all his heads".

Vads......"Why can't BIFFO be in the Torpedo Loading Party, Aussie??"
Aussie....."Because there aren't enough hard hats to go around for all his heads".

Windy Gale..."Chief, Chief I think BIFFO has just fallen down 2 deck ladder".
CHOP(S)......"Sod off Gale, someone has just dropped a jar of salad cream!!"

Welcome to our world, we all would like to say,
But keep well in the shadows, and out our fu*king way.
Wrecker 2, or Glen, or is it the Black Cat?,
While we all know you affectionately, as Fruin the Fruit Bat.

Definition of a Fruit Bat:- There not very bright,
They also suck quite a bit, and come alive at night.
He hangs upside down, will he fall ? one fears,
No chance of that, he just bores you to tears.

It was on the "DOUGHNUT", that it first came to light,
Now here on the SPARTAN it spreads its ugly plight.
In France they call them "A Rabid Pest",
But he will be great company for our 'Georgie Best'.

They will get on together, and emerge as one,
Then they will use Rentokil, Oh won't that be fun.
With the SPO's alertness and Fruit Bats dits,
They've been sent down upon us, to give us the shits.

They say in every section, there's always one to blame,
But he's part of the elite, he can now justly claim.
But beware of the "middle", down on three deck,
If Fruit Bat is lurking, watch your effing neck.

CAPTAIN.. "It is awfully flat around here, and Wilhelmshaven looks very new!!"
OBERBURGERMEISTER.. "Yes we did a lot of re-building about 38 years ago".

Most frequently heard comment on our first and only run ashore this year.. "The RAF have been here before us".

Occasional comment on our really and truly first and only run ashore this year. "Look there's a house the RAF missed, they probably used it as a 'fixing point'.

SPARTANS Liaison Officer talking to the German host Officer in a very load voice with must sign language, such as three fingers on coat cuffs to represent three gold rings and a mime as a steering wheel.

"Mon Capitaine vants eine grosse car wit big plushy seats bitte"
PAUSE
"Damn foreigners, you have to shout and speak slowly to make them understand anything. The bombing in the war probably made them deaf."

A true grit story of a young boy, forced against his will to work in a laundry and his struggle to keep up with the rest of the crew. A bunch of hard drinking Mexican Bandits of the worst kind. Live through the grueling times of our hero 'Dillon' as he struggles to become accepted by these cut-throats as he exercises 'bladder control'.

New York Times..."A bit of a damp plot"
Daily Express......."The special effects are marvellous, bring a Pac A Mac
The Sun................."You'll piss yourself laughing"
Rattler...................."I'll strangle the bastard"

NEW RELEASES
"THREE INTO TWO WONT GO" Starring Jnr Taylor and Bill Blake. A torrid love story set in Germany-With English subtitles.

"THE STREET FIGHTER" Starring Doc Burns and Taff Rees. Violent action packed movie about life in a West Scottish boom town. This film pulls no punches.

"RUN SILENT RUN DEEP" Starring Ian Woodstock and Dave Green. Gripping suspense set in the deep. Will MS3 survive? Will the TG trip?? Will Tank Harvey get any sleep???

Having served many watches with the Chief OP(S) (Asdic). It has dawned on me that when he speaks, he leaves people totally confused over what he actually means. (A bit like the TASO's sitrep pipes) So for all of you out there here they are translated.

"DITCH OUT THE WINDOW" To get something over and done with.
"EVERYONE A COCONUT" A term to describe 2nd watch UC's or anybody not in first watch (excluding JD)
"GO FOR THE BASE LINE" To go ahead and do something with great enthusiasm. (The past tense being 'DITCH OUT THE WINDOW'.
"SLOSH" Sudden loss of sense of humour
"GLOSH" Gradual loss of sense of humour
"TEAM LEADER" Mate
"STEADY NAVY" Watch it, you're out of turn Pal.
"HOMOSEXUAL" Anybody outside of 1st Watch (excluding JD)
"BASIC HOMOSEXUAL" Anybody of low intelligence outside of 1st watch. (once again this does not apply to JD).
"BLATANT HOMOSEXUAL" Do you want to come back to my place.
"FUC* OFF" Go away please.

L/SEA Clarke.... "Hello Windy, hello Aussie"
In Unison............."Hello Nobby"
L/SEA Clarke....."What are you talking about"
Aussie................."The patrol so far".
L/SEA Clarke....."Well I suppose that makes a change from orange suits".

PET.... "It will be great when the riders leave us to use the HP9836"
S.O...... "Why's that?"
PET......"Well I wouldn't mind 'closing up' on it".
S.O......."But you're not qualified to use it".
PET......"I know but I could sit in the corner for 6 hours and come up with 'Fu*k All' as well"

Hi Music lovers everywhere its DJ John Duffy here once again bringing you all the latest hits from the AFTER DOME DISCO. Regular readers of this column will be interested to know that the 2 DECK DISCO was forced to close due to police harassment. But I have been able to set up again in a cellar a few yards further down the boat.
Back to the CHARTS and many new names have made an impression on the music scene. Taff Rees and Norman Smith have got together again and again and again to produce 2 excellent singles, both remakes of late 60's classics.
B.T.O has also CRASHED into the charts with his version of a great little rock 'n' roll number previously released by Status Quo. Congratulations to Taff Bevan on his highly placed single, although it took an awful lot of hard cash to get it there. So that's it for this year, so get ready to rock into 1984 with the No.1 sound of Eric and his Rocksteady Crew

1. For those about to rock...............Eric and the Rocksteady Crew.
2. Hey big spender..........................Taff Bevan and the Overdrafts.
3. Lets spend the night together.....Taff Rees and Big Norm.
4. Flick of the wrist...........................Timmy 'Dillon' Byers.
5. Don't drive my car........................Badman Turner Overdrive.
6. Old Rag Blues..............................Dave Milson and the SR Divisional Set.
7. You're so Vain..............................Tank Harvey
8. Dirty White Boy............................Kev 'Dankoman' Danks.
9. Blowing in the wind......................Lee Plume.
10.Street Fighting Man....................Chief Doc Andy Burns.

BUBBLING UNDER
Nights In White Satin.......................Taff Rees and Big Norm.

NAME: SPARTEM 11/83 REFERS.
BIRTHDATE: SPARTEM 12/83 REFERS.
BIRTHPLACE: SPARTEM 13/83 REFERS.
HEIGHT: SPARTEM 14/83 REFERS. WEIGHT: SPARTEM 15/83 REFERS.
WAIST: SPARTEM 16/83 REFERS.
AMBITIONS: SPARTEM 17/83 REFERS
TURN ON'S: SPARTEM VOLUME II CHAPTER 7 REFERS.
TURN OFFS: SPARTEM VOLUMES III - XXI REFERS.
FAVOURITE MOVIES: SPARTEM 18/83 REFERS
FAVOURITE PEOPLE: CAPTAIN.
SECRET FANTASY: SPARTEM WILL BE ISSUED LATER ON THIS TRIP.

THE EYE OF THE COXSWAIN SONG (Sung to the tune 'eye of the tiger' by Survivor)

Rising up out of his rack
Takes his time, takes it easy.
Strolls down 2 deck, then he goes for a dobes
Just a man and his dream to be clean.

So many patrols it happens too fast
The skipper calls for a rounds route
Ere comes the Coxswain with a whip in his hand
and his dreams of a clean submarine.

CHORUS
It's the eye of the Coxswain
It's the dirt on 2 deck
Rising up from the bottom of the ladder
and the last two deck scrubber
scrubs the deck through the night
and he's watched closely by with the eye
of the Coxswain.

Back aft, back in the heat
The Weirs trips the Brabys faulty
No more water, so there's no 'Scrubbin Out'
and no gleam to his clean submarine

Rising up goes to the top
Tells the Jimmy his problems
Lads so happy cos there's no 'Scrubbing Out'
and still no gleam to his clean submarine

Is it true that Tommo had an interview with the BBC to replace Dillon the rabbit in the Magic Roundabout but he couldn't stay awake long enough to finish the interview.

The City Fathers of Liverpool have finally agreed to honour their 4 famous sons and erect a monument to the famous 4 The Beatles. They have also decided to honour Ian Woodstock, by erecting ears on the Mersey Tunnel.

Q. What has the closed loop feed system and CHOP(S) got in common?
A. They both use 500 gallons of water a day.

"Hey Wacker, what's this valve for!!"...."Cluck, Cluck"...."Hey Wacker give us a shake at 6 am"..."Cluck Cluck"...Tim Byers does it again...."Scrub Out"...Windy RPO Gale.

As a Leading Hand we could have no better,
A leader in stature and grace,
A friend and a good companion,
With a warm and a fatherly face.

A man to go to, in times of distress,
When your troubles are getting you down.
He'll bring a sparkle to your eyes,
Yes he's funny.....like Coco the Clown.

A three badge man who's seen it all,
And a lover of the tattooist's art.
But when it comes to cooking scran,
He just doesn't give a fart.

With sarcasm high he dishes it out,
Not caring at all for our plight.
But a final word from all the boys,
We think your scran is SHITE.

Coxswain............"Hello Sir".
S/Lt Armstrong...(Ex ROSM, ex Sovereign crew, new Supply officer to be). "Hello, I see you're still a Coxswain".

SCOOW "Captain Sir, the submarine is 400 feet off depth Sir, I'm afraid the R.S. is on the planes Sir. The submarine is now above safe depth Sir, for any big ships around Sir".

Captain..."Thank you CHIPS, but Swiftsure is only 3000 yards away, SO STOP SHOUTING AT ME !!!!"

WEM(O) Lonsdale inspects us all
He checks your skull if your going bald.
He laughs and jokes and digs it in,
If on top you're going thin.

But for all you lads who are going bare.
Don't give in and don't despair,
One day soon, he will be there.

His joking one day will fizzle out,
When all his hair has fallen out.
And when his scalp is poking through,
He will be known as Coxswain 2.

I cannot wait till that day falls,
Just to see his head so bald.
Because he's in that self conscious way,
That's the price, that he will pay.

Until that day which comes to all
I'll wait and watch him going bald.
Then that day his head will sink,
He'll be used in GUZZ as a skating rink.

LSA Carr "Norman where did you get those kinky knicks?"
Norman...."Dorothy Perkins in town, they came in a set".
LSA Carr..."What! Complete with bra and suspender belt"
Norman ....."F*** O**".

The Coxswain sat in the Corro's shack,
Counting his very few hairs.
Then out of the blue, in came guess who?
And cut off the arms of his chairs.

What's the difference between a Wren and a ten pin bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

Captain................"Navigator, pass me a rubber please".
Anonymous TS...."Take this one Sir, it's only been used a few times....a souvenir from Germany".
Navigator.............."Not that sort of rubber!!!!!"

Fruit Bat 1..............................."This is the third boat I have been Wrecker on."
Fruit Bat 2 (Alias Tarzan)......"Still trying to get it right then."

Fruit Bat 1........."Tarzan is it true that you dymo-tape everything because you keep forgetting?"
Fruit Bat 2.........."I never forget anything Taff".

MITCH............"The thing I hate most about the Navy are Mechs, Bomber Queens, Jock's and Wreckers. By the way who is the new ERUL?"
DICKY............"Oh he's a Scottish Bomber Queen Mech and an ex-wrecker and I think they call him Tarzan".

The Captain and twenty went to sea,
In a beautiful dark black boat.
They sailed away for an age and a day,
In pursuit of a BZ note.

With 21 men all in a mess,
And watch-keepers all, but two.
The pressures of life soon became stress,
While cups on the table accrue.

A hungry young man needs plenty of food,
At mealtimes have more than a bite.
And leave the overnight snacks for the good,
Who pilot us, deep in the night.

Pipes, cigarettes and even cigars,
are pleasures that some of us need.
But when you have finished your relaxing hours,
then empty your ashtray of weed.

For those whose cocks are far too short,
and cannot reach over the seat.
Lean forward and hold on, keeping it taught,
Until your relief is complete.

If you use the last sheet on the current heads roll,
then replace it as soon as you can.
And flush it until you have emptied the bowl,
Oops they're blocked...tell the SCC man.

When using a film or a book or cassette,
then put it away at the end.
If a cover is crumpled, or chair is upset,
You can save it from needing a mend.

Overalls, overalls, 'steaming boots' too,
Are working clothes well understood.
But keep them for working so others than you,
Can relax in the manner we should.

The Stewards have a most difficult task,
In a Mess so full, its quite rare.
So think of each other is all that I ask,
In this comfortable Mess that we share.

Here's a poem about a rating,
Who's very special you see.
And just to put your mind at ease,
The ratings called JD.

We've been friends for quite some time now,
Some say its called 'old boats'.
That's why you'll never see us,
at each others throats.

Sometimes you'll see us argue,
but never ever fight.
Because when it comes right down to it,
JD's always right.

He's a very fine example,
Witty, Intelligent and bright.
I'm just an old fuddy-duddy while,
He's a leading light.

He worries about my welfare,
this man of grace and charms.
So he removed my chair from my Sip's Office,
And took away its arms.

He says it makes me sit up right,
and keeps me at my best.
It also removes the sagging gut,
And the chin(s) from off my chest.

He's just become a Back Aftie,
So I miss him now, you see.
Cos I'm still one in two all day,
While he's now one in three.

So please come back on Forward,
Cos you're really sadly missed.
I'll even through a party,
and try and get you pissed.

Now people might say I'm creeping,
But that's not this Coxswains style.
Cos I never creep round no-one,
And I'm never known to smile.

So even though he removed my arms,
To give me much more space.
I want to tell just everyone,
I think JD is ace.

For those of you who went to Hamburg,
This poem is just for you.
It's meant to cheer you up a bit,
And stop you feeling blue.

It's for those of you who went to Eros,
And paid for a night of fun.
Now take a good look at your parts,
For they could be beginning to run.

That price you paid for a night of passion,
with a sweet young German whore.
Seems quite expensive now,
That your parts are swollen and sore.

So next time boys play it safe,
And save yourself a grand.
Stay in the hotel room on your rack,
And take yourself in hand.

R.S.

This Leader of many fine qualities,
Has reached a ripe old age.
A prehistoric fossil some say,
Who should be in a cage.

His prime has long gone past him,
His get up and go has went.
And now his poor decaying body,
Is tattered, torn and bent.

But as an OPPO there is none better,
A helper to both friend and foe.
So from the 1 O'clock Club Boys,
Happy Birthday Dear OLD Flo.