Spartoons 2

Supplied by J.D. John Duffy. Thanks John

Living Underwater in a triumph of Technology

(As it should have been written), by Maj.Gen. Snodgrass. (Retd)

I balanced a coin on the edge of the table.....The Submarine was deeper than 500' doing 24 knots...Within seconds it had gone!! I was on the Nuclear powered Submarine SPARTAN, my life was in the hands of God!!.

HAIR RAISING STORIES

I talked to the Chief OP's who told me several hair raising stories about his time on conventional Submarines. A class of boat that was run on 'Baking Powder'.

SLEEPING QUARTERS

I asked one of the Junior Ratings about his sleeping habits, he said he was quite expensive!! And was fully booked for the next few nights?

HOT BUNKING

A one-in-two watch system was in operation, and men going off-watch went into the bunks of those going on-watch. And in some instances people were getting turned-in together..... not because of the shortage of bunks, but because it was cosy!!!!

LAUNDRY

The Laundry was run by a team called 'GREY CREATIONS Ltd', it went in white and came out grey. What went in Black, came out Blacker!! The laundry bill was paid at the end of the month, and the cheque was made out to a Swiss Bank Account.

FALKLANDS

I asked about "THE FALKLANDS" conflict..........."It was hell" said the Chief (OP's), who wasn't actually there, but would have liked to have been!!!

I never actually got to speak to any of the 'back-afties' during my three days aboard, as none of them were awake long enough to talk to me?

All in all I admired the crew for their comradeship and ability to work together. (God knows I couldn't work with them!) And I admire the Admiralty for keeping them out of British ports for very lengthy periods.

SPARTAN ON THE SURFACE

Bridge, Plot Sir.
Bridge
Fix on chart Sir, minute 32 Sir. a good fix Sir, using 3 visuals Sir, and 2 lanes of Decca Sir, puts you Sir. 3/4 degree to port Sir, of your 240 track Sir. Suggest Sir that you come left Sir to 235 Sir to regain your 240 track Sir.
Plot, Bridge say again?
Roger Sir, Fix on the chart Sir, blah, blah, Sir, blah blah........
Plot, Bridge.
Plot Sir.

F**K OFF.......

Submarine at Periscope depth

SCC: No gangway through the Control Room, Submarine returning to periscope depth.

1st Lt: What's the meaning of that pipe Lt Carpenter?

SCC: Well we were 2 feet deep Sir!!

Captain: Thank you for that excellent Gateaux, Leading Cook. You have excelled yourself.

Leading Cook: Thank you, Sir.

Well Mr. Kipling does make exceedingly good cakes!!

Steve (Charles Atlas, Flab Fighter, I've given up Smoking, Bloated Belly) Pipe

ON WORK OUT..........Jane Fonda you suck!!!

Lt Pomfrett just taken over Ship Control Consul starts to 'play' with switches on George [Auto Pilot].

SCC Watchkeeper: "Would you mind not fiddling with those switches Sir. It was made by Ferranti not Fisher Price!!"

1st Lieutenants hand-over: "Here's my little black notebook and pencil... Oh yes.. and here's a list of the places I like to pick up for rounds.

Part III Training Question time in the Soundroom

"Where's the HP Air Compressor?"

Kev Danks: "Air Ram Space"

PUNCH

"Where's the Forward Trim Pump?"

Kev Danks: "Um! Air Ram Space"

PUNCH

"Where's the High Pressure Bilge Pump"

Kev Danks: " Urghh! Air Ram Space"

PUNCH

Where's the Air Ram Space?

Kev Danks: [Silence]

The Amazing Adventures of CRASHMAN

His name was DAVE ASHLEY, MEM(L) MAN EVOLVED MENACE (LOONEY)
His ambition to be a super hero on HMS SPARTAN
His likes: getting someone else to do his watch, and dripping
His dislikes: being careful, not being clumsy, being nice to people.

THIS WAS A MAN OF DESTINY..... Read On.

Dave Ashley sat in the corner of the Control Room nervously tapping his foot which sounded like panel beating in an auditorium. He was trying to figure out what went wrong with his last attempt at being a Super Hero, he had a suspicion it was because WEM Davis and the old TASO had gone on draft. However he still had his Crashman Suit, still hidden in Ginge Geoghegan's rack, safe enough there, thought Dave. Knowing that Ginge never got turned in and was always too busy to rest. Ginge was just the sort of person that Dave would like to be, a real hero, only more dynamic. In fact Dave made a mental note to buy Ginge some birthday presents to show him his appreciation [6th April!!]

Anyway Dave Ashley suddenly had a good idea for reviving his Crashman legend. He would create some havoc, slip quietly away (Well as quietly as he could manage), and do a quick change into his Crashman suit and the appear from nowhere, and save the Submarine. Just then a nice young lad called 'Angel Bright' wandered into the Control Room, as he walked past Dave accidentally? kicked him in the scrotum. "Mind your f**king feet" shouted Angel. "90 feet" shouted the planesman, as the bow-down angle came on, Angel got another playful shove from Dave and plummeted down the periscope well. Dave in his rush to save him, smashed into Scouse Elwers (sheet of paper on legs), who in turn knocked the periscope control to lower. "What are we going to do" screamed Lt Carpenter. The 1st Lt went to take charge, but Dave who had put his hand up to offer a suggestion had accidentally karate chopped him under the chin. Dave decided to grab for the planes. Cess Pool, who was planeing at the time, had already fallen off his 10 cushions. As Dave reached across standing on the Captains foot as he went by, summoning all his strength he started pulling the planes back, ripping the yoke out as he did. "Oh Shite!!", cried Dave, Lt Carpenter promptly said "This isn't like Intrepid", and fainted.

Dave stood back and took stock, elbowing the SCC panel operator in the back of the head. He looked around, half the Control Room were unconscious, the other half mainly TS's were whimpering at their posts. He thought of getting help from the Soundroom but they were all either pi**ed or asleep..... No this was a job for..... CRASHMAN, Music!, Fanfare!, Lights!!! Spinning on his mallet-like steaming boots, he rushed to the ladder annihilating the remaining survivors as he did so. At the top of the ladder he turned remembering his manners and said "Sorry Lads", tripped and fell backwards down the ladder!!

Crashman. "Stop when you see me or else!!!"

Will CRASHMAN survive the fall?
Will the ladder survive CRASHMAN?
Will Ginge Geoghegan get turned in? (A Nuclear first)
Will SPARTAN survive???

Don't miss the next issue

DUNSBY'S DITS

During a recent medical survey carried out onboard HMS SPARTAN. The three Medical Ratings onboard, were asked. If given the chance who onboard would they most like to perform surgery on. Here are the answers each Doc gave to the questionnaire.

Doc.1. I would like to operate on a 'Clanky', when you cut them open they are like a car engine, so its very easy to get spares.

Doc.2. 'Greenies' are the best to operate on, just open them up and take out the defective printed circuit and replace with new, dead easy!

Doc.3. Well for me it's got to be the Chief ERA's, the facts explain themselves. They have only got two moving parts... The arse and the mouth and both are inter-changeable.

A lower level Stoker died and went to heaven. On reaching the Pearly Gates he was met by St Peter. "Well who are you, and what do you want?" asked Peter in a loud voice. "Please Sir" replied the lower level stoker. "I am but a poor lower level Stoker off HMS SPARTAN, and I would like to come in". "Well come in then", said Peter, "For I know all lower level Stokers on SPARTAN have worked long and hard, and they deserve to come here when their scrubbing-out days are over".

So St Peter took the lower level Stoker into his care and gave him a guided tour of heaven, pointing out to the lower level Stoker all of heavens celebrities. Suddenly they were passed by a middle aged balding man with a beard, dressed in overalls and carrying a BR.

"Bloody Hell", exclaimed the lower level Stoker. "It's Chief BURGESS".

"No" replied St Peter firmly. "That's GOD, he just likes to think he's Chief BURGESS".

Ever wonder what happened to Adolf HITLER. Rumour has it, he went bald grew a set and is now the CERA on SPARTAN.

Question: What's the difference between the CHOP(TS) and CHOP(S)

Answer: A war medal.

J.D. (John Duffy) died and went to heaven (where else?)

"But God, I'm only 21(ish), I'm too young to die, I want to go back down to earth" he insisted.

"Well" said God, "If you want to go back down to Earth you will have to perform a miracle"

"Anything, Anything" cried JD.

So God gave him a bucket and said "Empty the Sahara Desert into the Pacific ocean".

"But that's impossible" said JD.

So God said "Well I will give you one more chance, go down and get Big S to do a set of Scrubber reading's"

"F**k it" said JD. "Give us the bucket".

Leading Seaman Brown reckons he overheard the TASO talking to REA Lazenby.

Lazerbeam: "Where was the first Lieutenant before he joined this boat?"

TASO: "Dartmouth"

Lazerbeam: "What was he a Midshipman?"

Windy Gale went to see the Doctor

Windy: "Doc, I have been making love doggy fashion for ages, but it doesn't satisfy me any more"

Doc: "Have you tried conventional positions"

Windy:" I would but Dave Kelways has got bad breath.

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET.

Lt. Whalley

Name Lt. S.Whalley. SUPPLY OFFICER.. Height 5' 8"...Weight 14 Stone...Waist 36"...Date of Birth: Not telling!.. Birthplace: On doorstep of Nat West Bank, High Street Sheffield.

Ambition: To become a bridge Watchkeeper!

Turn on's: Denying people money. People asking for casuals and refusing them!

Turn off's: Cashing cheques. Changing Dollars to Sterling.

Favourite Movies: Fistful of dollars. For a few dollars more. The billion dollar duck

Favourite People: Paul Getty, Rothschild's, Jackie Onassis, Howard Hughes and AB Wrigley.

Secret Fantasy: To be locked in a bank vault with a beautiful shipment of gold bullion.

Pic1:Age 2.My First Piggy Bank!
Pic2: Age6. My very first calculator to count all my money!
Pic3: Age 16. My very first Bastard on!!!!

Hey diddle diddle,

Gary Marsland had a piddle,

Down in the AMS bilge.

Big Smudge laughed to see such fun,

then made J.D. scrub it out afterwards!!!

Steve Lonsdale to Kev Hollis:

S.L. "Hey Doc, Whacker Payne thinks he's a chicken"

K.H. "How long has this been going on?"

S.L. "For about two years"

K.H. "Why didn't you tell me before now?"

S.L. "Bunny Warren needed the eggs"!!!!

Whacker Payne to Chief Doc

W.P. "Doc, I think I'm a chicken"

C.D. "How long have you felt like this?"

W.P. "Ever since I was an egg"!!!!

Leading Cook Pipe entertaining the troops?

Spartoons 3

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