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Supplied by J.D. John Duffy. Thanks John
Welcome to the first edition of SPARTOONS for this Patrol. As a great many of you know, this is also my first SPARTOONS since taking over as Editor from the legendary Graham "The Orange On Leg's" Wrigley. So I hope you enjoy this issue as much as you have enjoyed previous publications and the TASO's sitrep pipes.
Well enough of this rabbiting from me, just sit back and enjoy.
SPARTOONS RETURN TO THE FALKLANDS.
Editor: John Duffy
BACK AFT ALTERNATIVE READING QUIZ
Q. What is the standby
machinery broadcast system.
A. CEA Woodstock
Q. How do you flash up a
braby.
A. Swear at it.
Q. How do you trip a
compressor
A. Stick out your foot.
Q. How do you make up to the
loop
A. Apologise to it.
Q. What's the difference
between a forward E.A. and a back aft E.A.
A. About £2000 per annum.
Q. What drips more than the
Main Access Hatch.
A. Doris Danby.
Q. Which is the odd one out, Rousell,
McAllister, Lowbridge and Green.
A. Green, all the others will not have
to hot bunk, and they all know where the lower level is.
Q. What puts out more shit
than the Macerator.
A. CCMEA
Q. Where is the After Plant
situated.
A. On the high chair in the Manoeuvring Room.
COOL FOR VADS (Poor Man's Johnny Mathis)
aka Able Seaman Vadgamma
Sung to the tune of Cool for Cats
The Coxswains thrown a wobbler cuz there's dirt upon the floor,
He tells the lad's to scrub it, and goes to find some more
They're scrubbing out with Tepol when the Coxswain strikes again
In and out of corners with their buckets and their shame.
It's funny how the Coxswain always sounds the bleedin same,
And meanwhile in the Sound Room there's a couple of likely lads,
Who look like Edna Everidge, and they're very cool for Vads
They're cool for Vads, c-o-o-l for Vads
Spartans sending signals on the way to P.D.,
We say there is an Argie, and he's coming out to sea.
The Jimmy's with the Captain, they're standing by the mast,
They know exactly what to do, they call for For'd staff.
They contact the Sound Room, put sector on the net,
But they don't know what to do, 2nd watch you can bet.
They're cool for Vads, c-o-o-l for Vads.
The life and times of Plank Rogers.
Its been noted recently that various unsavory characters have been making complaints about the laundry and laundry staff.
These hard working gentleman dig out every day to stop you all looking like Kev Danks. However Thommo recently upset Gary T.V. Ripper Marsha- who when moved to tears took up his usual position in front of the mirror.
Coxswain Hodders Only Wish
If two deck was mine,
I would be inclined,
To scrub it, and polish it,
Until it did shine.
We pump Sewage and Slop Drain,
But pumping Jiff is Paddy's game.
Sat in the crapper, with headphones on,
Chopper in hand, he's completely gone.
Six to the bar he beats his meat,
With kecks and nicks around his feet.
Doors fly open....The crew looks on,
Man he's living, although completely gone.
Just at the peak of his vinegar stroke,
he drops his cassette player and the bloody thing broke.
So in future Paddy, keep to your rack,
It's a damn sight easier, when on your back.
MAKIN BACON. Perhaps Scaff can give me an explanation?
A STAR IS BORN
A short extract of a day in the life of a man who starred in such movies as Reach for the Sky and 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.
"10 degrees up, keep 60 feet" The Captain ordered. He eased the stick back and the Submarine started to rise. Up, up, up she went until she reached 120 feet and then nothing, the Submarine just hung there, as if she was suspended on a piece of string. After 5 minutes the Captain cracked.
"What the f**k are you doing Petty Officer Sales?" he said
"I can't help it", he cried, "People keep getting on to me".
At 63 feet Petty Officer Sales says "Full rise on the planes Sir."
The Captain replied "Bit f**king late now, we are there."
A tear rolled down Petty Officer Sales cheek. "You're always getting on at me, I want to go home".
"Ten degrees down" The Captain said. "Keep any depth you like David, awfully sorry."
1st WATCH HEROES
0630: Young meat Vadgamma shone the DC lamp in Blood Reed's eyes and said "Shift your ass, it's time to go on watch. Blood replied "where's my tractor", and went back to sleep.
0710: The Sound Room crew duly mustered at the correct time [well nearly] with Psycho's eyes trying to impersonate Spaghetti Junction. No one could see if Kev Danks had remembered to put somebody else's No 8's on, because of the green haze that surrounded him. There was also that distinct aroma, which confirmed that he hadn't washed for two weeks.
0830: Baby faced Lt Pomfrett piped "1st Watch stand to, returning to periscope depth." The Chief OP's who was on-watch in the Sound Room said to the boys "Break out EBS, we are returning to PD." Psycho who was on searcher said "Sod it, I'm off for a tin." The unemployed Navigator piped in "Sector clear the bow arc's". To which Roy Kamis said, "How do I do that Chief?".
Chief OP's replied "How the f**k should I know you basic homosexual, we never used to do that on SSK's". Meanwhile out in the Control Room, the Coxswain felt a bit ill and decided to go on the planes. After a quick refresher course from MEM Duffy the Coxswain managed the 10 degree up that the Captain had ordered. Spartan returned to periscope depth with no mishaps and the Wireless Room reported the broadcast had been received on the AVS. The Weapons Officer creamed his knicks and said "Goodie it works, it works". The RS replied in his usual respectful voice "Stupid Bastard!!!" Back on the planes the Coxswain's dulcet tones rang out. One shallow, on depth [nearly passed out], 2 sheep, 3 cow's, 4 pigs, Oh dear, I think I need a relief".
The Captain then said "10 degrees down, keep 260 feet, I've had enough of this comedy. I'll try again tomorrow".
Enemy Sighted
SPARTAN TOP TEN SONG'S
1: Message in a bottle................Jeff Dash.
2: Breaking Glass.......................Leading Steward Paddy O'Donnell
3: Super Trouper.......................Chips
4:Men at Work........................ 1st Watch Soundroom crew.
5: Lazy Bones...........................2nd Watch Soundroom crew.
6: What kind of fool am I..........WEM(O) Rogers.
7: Hanging on the Telephone.....Chief Tiff
8: Leave it Alone...................... Scrote Eling
9: My Way................................Coxswain
10: Physical...............................Paul Dyer
SPARTAN TOP TEN MOVIES
1: 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.... Dave Sales
2: Reach for the Sky..........................Dave Sales
3: Jaws..............................................Ian Woodstock.
4: Plague...........................................Coxswain
5: Border Line...................................Pete Esser
6: High Risk......................................WEM(O) Rogers
7: Hanger 18.....................................Thommo
8: The Enforcer..................................1st Lieutenant
9: Pinocchio.......................................Harry Griggs
10: Young Frankenstein.....................WEM(O) Rogers
Our congratulations are in order to FLUB (PO DYER) for kindly bringing it to our and POMEM Hatch's attention, that our glorious Coxswain, who during 6 month's service onboard HMS SPARTAN. Has yet to complete his Basic Submarine Qualification. Does Kev Danks have a rival? Watch This Space.!!!!
Pete Esser Doing Shakes
P.E: "Harry it's time to get up"
Harry: "What time is it?"
P.E: "0630- Well it's really 0635 or maybe a bit later".
THE RETURN OF THE DUNSBY'S DITS
The Chief Doc has assured us that CPO Burgess is recovering after his recent accident. For those of you who have not heard.
CPO Burgess went for a walk last week, and was knocked down by a speedboat
Get well soon Ray..
Dear Marge Proops. Since I have been in the Navy I have been ripped off, seen off, pi**ed off, fed up, fed down, jarred off, jeered at, done, undone, hacked off, shit on and thoroughly written off.
Far be it from me to criticise the mob but these past few years have been a sentence in as much as the fact that everyone hates me including PO's, CPO's, RPO's, MO's, DO's, PTI's, Killicks, Tiffs, Mechs, Mother, Brother, Sister, Vicar, Ship's Cat, Dockyard Cat, Black Cat, White Cat, Tom Cat, and every other miserable cretin that happens to be passing.
Could it be, that I am naturally hard to get on with, or that my S**t stinks??
Yours D.D.
Q: What's the similarity between Ian
Woodstocks mouth and an elephant's arsehole?
A: They both emit s**t in vast quantities.
It has been decided in the Manoeuvring Room, during the next maintenance period, that CPO Woodstock will give the Laundry an overall.
This was overheard on my way to my rack:
OPSO: "Can you wash these 8's pretty damn
quick, as they are the only ones big enough to fit me".
Laundry Staff: "Where did you get them
from, Lt Pickles?"
Has it occurred to anyone that the Coxswain looks very much like Rasputin the Mad Monk, and looking at the new cleaning roster, thinks like him too. Although Rasputin would never call Sunday, day 7, other similarities are:
Like Rasputin the Coxswain has a cross to bear.
Like Rasputin the Coxswain punishes the innocent, to vanquish his own sins.
Like Rasputin the Coxswain blames God for everything.
And hopefully like Rasputin the Coxswain will eventually feel so guilty, that he will go away to a monastery (inboard draft) and mumble quietly to himself "I remember when I was on SOVEREIGN".
Spartan rules of Engagement..."Without Overt Provocation?".
29 BULKHEAD AT SEA
Tony Hickinbottom: "I think Plank Rogers is a sex symbol"
Whacker Payne: "I say, I say, I say why do you say that you goddamn chicken hawk"
Tony Hickinbottom: "Coz he's a prick".
29 BULKHEAD AT HARBOUR STATIONS
29WTB: "Control.....29"
Control: "Control"
29WTB: "29 Bulkhead shut up for Harbour Stations.
SCROTES DITS
Is it true that CHOP's Summers is branch changing to the TS's so that he can be with all the other faggoTS
WHO USES WHAT TO PULL
U.C's...................Use old porno mags
Fwd Stokers........Use up Oily Rags
Lt Rees................Just pulls his piece
Back Afties..........Use Heavy Grease.
TS's.....................Well they just pull each other.
Q: What is the difference between Dave Kelway and a Humped Back Whale?
A: About 2 stone and a beard.
Q: What is the only good thing to come out of the Galley this trip?
A: An empty Slop Bucket.
DURING A RECENT CHLORIDE EXCURSION
Dave Kelway: "That EBS mask looks nice on you Chief"
CHOP(S): "Why thank you, Petty Officer"
Dave Kelway: "Pity, seeing as you don't actually need to be wearing it"!!!!
SPARTAN AT DEVONPORT
It was the day of Divisions and CHOP(S) was on his way home still wearing his best No.1 uniform with medals, BZ and Bar and Red Star (for voting Labour)- but still no Falklands Medal... Sitting facing him on the train to Pompey was a young girl who was staring at him in awe and admiration. CHOP(S) discovered he could keep her spellbound for literally seconds with his hair losing stories of SSK's. The young girl finally woke up and pointing at his medals asked "Where did you get them from?"...."The Navy gave them to me" said the CHOP(S). The girl still totally unimpressed replied. "In the Brownies we have to earn ours."
Q: What does a Super Etendard pilot do, when he runs out of Bomb's?
A: He uses his Extra Set.
