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Supplied by J.D. John Duffy. Thanks John
Hello again folks. Well here we go with the second SPARTOONS for this patrol.
This is the first time since the last Falklands patrol that we have been able to publish more than one edition of your favourite magazine. This is due to the support I have had from all the Ships Company. It's the first time I've ever known, since joining the boat, the whole Ships Company joining together to produce your magazine.
If the dits keep coming in hopefully we will be able to publish at least another two editions before the end of the patrol.
That's providing there's still enough people onboard who are still willing to talk to me after this edition. But I'll let you decide that as you settle back and enjoy.
SPARTOONS.. RETURN TO THE FALKLANDS PART II
Editor: John Duffy
LET IT BE KNOWN
According to the 1981 census there are 50 million people in the UK. of which 20 million are married or at the age of consent. The average period of menstruation is 3 days per month which puts 2 million women out of commission on any one night. Careful research has shown that an equal number say "Don't feel like it". But they are equally balanced out by the number of unmarried women having a bit on the side which is approximately 13,467,482. It has also been established that the average erection, despite considerable exaggeration, is 5 inches.
Detailed research indicates that the average length of each stroke is 4 inches and the average needed is 75. Therefore 300 inches are slipped in and out of 13,467,482 women each night. In other words the nightly ration is 4,952,867,543 inches or 29,682 miles and 896 yards. And that is one hell of a lot of RICHARD!!!!!!
THE QUESTION IS-ARE YOU GETTING YOUR SHARE?
N.B. This survey does not account for any homosexuality, but if any one is interested the CHOP(S) (Sonar) has the full details.
Rickover's Roustabouts bring to you- THE RPO's
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| T.T. | IAN | SCAFF |
Picture 1: T.T. Manner: Surly, abrupt, cynic. Politics: Rubber Gloves, Royalist. Hobbies: Brass Rubbing and Book Binding. Likes: Gonzo and Bakewell Tart. Dislikes: All other RPO's and TAVE. In conclusion: What can be said that hasn't already been covered in the biography of Attila the Hun.
Picture 2: IAN. Manner: Pleasing, Affable (bit of a crawler really). Politics: Ken Livingstones Bag Man. Hobbies: Qualifying. Likes: Making D.G. 'hot bunk'. Dislikes: T.T. In conclusion: Still new at the game. Yet to acquire the wonder lust of his elder partner.
Picture 3: SCAFF. Manner: Rabbits, expert in passing the buck. Politics: Rupert Bear, Evangelist. Hobbies: Wimping. Likes: Being noticed, (that's a laugh). Dislikes: T.T. and small duff's. In conclusion: Easily recognisable- Extra large Caucasian, wilts under pressure.
NICE ONE SCAFF
DMEO: "Where do you come from Chief Tiff?"
C.TIFF: "Wiltshire Sir."
SCAFF: "I always knew you were a Pork Pie."
A SUBMARINER, A PONGO AND A CRABFAT
A Submariner, Pongo and a Crabfat were parachuted into the wild interior of a jungle as a test of their endurance. Their CO gave them 3 orders:
1: Don't touch the local women, they all have a dose and there is no known cure.
2: Don't drink the local booze, its too strong and will kill you.
3: Beware of the yellow and black striped snake who's bite is lethal and the only cure is to squeeze the snakes insides out and eat them.
Two days later the CO received word that the three were all in hospital. When questioning the men as to what had happened the following was discovered.
1: The Crabfat could not take the booze.
2: The Pongo caught a dose.
3: The Submariner who was completely covered in bandages said "The booze and the women were no problem. But I did get bitten by the yellow and black snake. So I caught hold of the snake and started to squeeze the insides out.... and came to the biggest pair of Tigers bo**acks I have ever seen."
Can it be true: John O'Donnell (Alias the JR's Victuals Thief) actually went down the Lower Level to find the Diesel.
AB/SM Danks take note-The Diesel- One not Two!
BASHER BATES: "Ginge why don't you get a transplant?"
GINGE COBB: [Instant Flash up] "I can't bloody afford it".
Pregnant Pause
BASHER BATES: "Yeah, anyway you'd look bloody silly with a kidney on your head."
JD ANSWERING PART III QUESTIONS FROM HARRY
HARRY: "What's that tank at the after end of the Auxiliary Machinery Space?"
JD: "Precipitator Drain Tank"
HARRY: "No not that one, the big white one on the Starboard side."
JD: "Oh you mean the Spent MEA tank."
HARRY: "No, I know where that is."
JD: "Which one do you mean then?"
HARRY: "The big white one with the fan belts!"
Cry heard from Dave Sales shortly after surfacing. "On depth 26 feet."
DURING THE MIDDLE WATCH MOVIE
Steve O'Donovan: "Out of the mess Dankoman."
Dankoman: "Why?"
Steve O'Donovan: "Because you're not qualified yet."
Dankoman: "Oh Yeah, rank has its privilege."
Steve O'Donovan: "What do you mean?"
Dankoman: "Coxswains watching one next door."
Coxswain its 1035 Zulu
You see Coxswain there is somebody onboard who will give you the time of day.
I like Stokers so much, that I work them into the ground. I give them lot's of TIME OFF (To scrub-out). I have the happiest bunch around. So my MOTTO is "A happy Stoker is a SCRUBBING Stoker"
ENGLISH NAMET
Q: What word would be used in every sentence to describe the following?
1: A sewerman.
2: TASO's Piping.
3: Galley workers.
4: Scrote Eylings belly.
5: Kev Danks.
6: Coxswains ideas
7: AB/SM Steve O'Donovan.
The answer is of course SHIT(S)
1: Sewermen work in shit.
2: TASO's piping is generally shit.
3: Galley workers serve shit.
4: Scrote Eylings belly is full of shit.
5: Kevin Danks smells of shit.
6: Coxswains idea's, means he's shit on someone.
7: AB/SM Steve O'Donovan, well he just gives everyone the shits.
Pete Esser was recently heard to ask: "Why does the CHOP(S) keep coming up to the Sound Room when 2nd watch are closed up? Is it for training purposes or to see how it's done professionally!".............Nice one Pete.
OVERHEARD IN THE JUNIOR RATES MESS
Ord. Seaman GRIGGS: "What was that last pipe?"
Able Seaman THOMAS: "Oh, the Captain will be doing his walk round on Wednesday morning."
Ord. Seaman GRIGGS: "I didn't know he was BSQ!!"
OVERHEARD AT SHIP CONTROL
J/R ANONYMOUS: "I see the Coxswains trying to get on the Canteen Staff."
S/R ANONYMOUS: "Yeah, and on being Senior Rates Mess President."
S/Lt PICKLES: " I don't know about your Mess President, I think he's got designs on the Wardroom."
PLAYMATE DATA-SHEET
NAME: N.D.V.ROBERTSON
BIRTHDATE: 17th JULY 1962 [Plug from Editor]
BIRTHPLACE: SLEEPY HOLLOW
HEIGHT: 6 FEET..............WEIGHT 13 STONES.........WAIST 32"-34"
AMBITIONS: TO MAKE THE CHIEF DOC's RACK TIME LOOK LIKE 40 WINKS COMPARED TO HIS.
TURN ON'S: MAXIMUM RACK TIME
TURN OFF's: RACK REJECTION
FAVOURITE MOVIES: HOW SLEEP THE BRAVE, SLEEPER, SLEEPING BEAUTY
FAVOURITE PEOPLE: ORINOKO, RIP VAN WINKLE.
SECRET FANTASY: TO DRAFT CHIP'S TO SIBERIA.
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'JIMMY' BEWARE
Lt T: "Stop raising Search Periscope."
Ops Officer (Vivian): "You don't say stop, you say well."
Lt T: "Roger Team Leader, Sorry I mean Watch Leader."
[1 hour later] Lt T: "6 degrees down, keep 190 feet, well engine.
SPARTAN'S MUSIC SCENE
Hi pop pickers, its DJ...JD here with the latest and hottest pick of the pops. Since our last top ten chart, which was highly successful, it seems everybody onboard wants to make records. SPARTOONS hottest property appears to be Lt Pomfrett. (The wardrooms answer to Cliff Richard) who's latest release has crashed straight in at number 1.
But he's under tremendous pressure from the Coxswain, who has had two chart hits. And from OPS and Tina Turner who just make this weeks chart with a remake of a Deep Purple classic. Tim 'Dillon' Byers nearly made the No.1 spot, but he hasn't woken up to the fact, that in the music business, you need more promotion and a manager who will back you up.
The WEO incidentally, has released a single on the AVS record label, but it has yet to make the airwaves. Coupled with the fact that he makes so few public appearances in the Control Room it's quite understandable why this record has yet to make the charts. So then Pop Pickers, here are this weeks SPARTOONS best selling Top Twenty.
TOP TWENTY
1: Word's don't come easy.....................Lt Pomfrett.
2: Life On Mars.....................................MEO
3: Rock Bottom.....................................Sid Coxswain and the Morale Builders.
4: If I ruled the World............................Coxswain
5: Don't stand so close to me..................PO(TS)
6: Bright Eyes........................................Tim 'Dillon' Byers
7: Can Can............................................Jeff Dash
8: Lets all chant.....................................The One O'clock Club
9: Lets all chant (revisited).....................The Wardroom Ladies Choir
10: Pub with no Beer.............................Junior Rates Mess
11: I'll find my way home.......................The Redundant Navi Band
12: Funky Chicken................................Whacker
13: Proud to be Gay.............................CHOP(S)
14: If I can't have you............................T.H.Bum and the Shiners
15: I don't want no holiday in the sun.....Wrecker
16: Push Bike Song...............................Fats Pipe and the Prigmore blubber band.
17: Pretty Vacant..................................Pete Esser
18: Birdy Song.....................................Whacker
19: Baggy Trousers..............................SCO
20: Smoke on the water........................OPS and Tina Turner.
BUBBLING UNDER:
Wired for Sound...............................Paddy O'Donnell
Paint it Black.....................................Scratchers Party
Reasons to be cheerful, Part III..........Pete Esser
Q: What's the difference between Paddy O'Donnell and a cross-country run.
A: One's a pant in the country.
QUIZZES
First there was the Jimmy's Essential Reading Quiz. Then came the Back Afties Alternative Quiz. Now here comes the:
SONAR SEA STATE QUIZ
1: What frequency does 2018 transmit on?
2: Where are the transducers for 2035?
3: Who are:
a: The Basic Homosexual
b: The General Service Homosexual.
c: The Desert Head
4: How much is Kev Danks laundry bill?
5: How much does TASO know about Sonar?
Clue: The answers to 4 and 5 are the same.
6: What is the loudest noise heard in the Sound Room?
Clue: Leading Steward Paddy O'Donnell drops them.
7: Who flits "quietly" in and out of the Senior Rates bunk space 20 times a watch and is a noise short?
8:What is the correct name for 2007 display when switched to towed array?
a. Searcher
b: Hunter Wideband
c: T.A.B.
d: Any other?
9: Where is the hull gland for battle?
10: Who keeps taking the maintainers tools?
Answers 9 and 10 to the maintainers, coz they don't know.
The last SSK the CHOP(S) served on was called AENEIS.
Is this the reason why he is such an arsehole. (Think about it)
Overheard in the Galley: Biffo the Messman asking why it took so long to become a CHOP(S) when he has learnt it all in two years.
Q: What's the difference between an extended patrol and going straight home?
A: 3 Lanes of Decca and another set of Captains Rounds.
Q: What's the similarity between a sewer worker and Steve O'Donovan?
A: Neither mind sniffing s**t.
THE MAGIC ROUNDABOUT
Brian was on the magic roundabout... going round and round slowly.... as he preferred and was obviously enjoying himself. Dougal was working the controls. "I'm pi**ed off" he muttered angrily. " Sat here for 12 hours a day in pitch darkness making that bloody roundabout go up and down for a bunch of MICKY DUCKS".
"What's that" said Brian. "Nothing" replied Dougal bitterly, as he reflected upon the changes in the garden since Mr. W.W. was taken out one dark night by Crashman. "Where's my relief anyway? Dillon is supposed to be working this thing now". "What's that" said Brian. "Nothing" said Dougal. "Hello" said Florence. "Oh Christ, I hope she isn't in a good mood" muttered Dougal, as he thought of all the new places Dillon might have fallen asleep on watch. "Seems like an empty house standing still" sang Florence tunelessly. "Oh God she is in a good mood" said Dougal. "Hello everyone, its very dark tonight, whose in the garden?"
Boooooiiiinnnnggg "I'm on Ship Control" said Zebadee. "10 deep" said the POSTWD. "What" said the SPO "Pump Brine". Boooiinngg "Face your front" Zebadee told him. "Why are we 10 deep Ship Control?" bitched Florence. Booiinngg "Coming back from 20 deep ma'am" said Zebadee. "Is that Wing Commander Sales (The Submariners Douglas Barder with tin arms) on the planes?" said Florence. "No it's me" dripped the POSTWD, putting even more dive on the planes. "Get on depth" shrieked Florence.
Dougal ignored this as it was normal goings on in the garden and mused upon his relief, who was also normally late, if not far from normal. "It's not as if I wanted to stand down anyway" mumbled Dougal. "It's such fun up here in the dark... can't understand what that stupid snail see's on the roundabout". Florence was in a tantrum "Get someone decent on the planes" she cried. Just then the RS's ego walked into the garden to save the day. "One deep" said the ego as the Submarine plummeted through 90 feet. Squeezing into the little room that was left came Dillon. "Am I late?" he said as he wiped the sleep from his eyes. "Late!! The bloody programmes nearly over" dripped Dougal. "10 minutes" said the Toucan. "See it is now" muttered Dougal as he stumbled out of the garden.
Booiinnngg.... "Time to scrub out"
My name is Russ "The Dink" Walters,
And on this my course never alters.
To shit on the lads,
Especially on Vad's.
And to blow the crap out of Salta's
GIBRALTAR: When asked about the Wreckers decision to go straight home the CHOP(S) was heard to say "He's nothing but a Basic Homosexual". We await your answer Wrecker.
He's old and bald,
and not too bright,
The super planesman, who's full of shite.
He sits on watch, and drips and moans,
When his relief's adrift, this old man groans.
Who is it then, who can it be?
Its simple folks its LAZENBY.
I don't think you are boring, Borings not the word,
If you think your watch is a drag, Your just a boring TU*D.
You clear the cobwebs from our ears, of dits we have known for years,
And as your drone begins to pierce, I simply cannot find the words.
Just stick to soup and serving scran, don't interrupt our dit's,
Coz when all the food has all been served, you just get on our TITS.
Your appearance is so boring, it just sends us insane,
The fact you spin such boring dits, you're just an effing pain.
My mind is now a total blank, there's nothing in the frame,
In fact I find you such a bore, I cannot place your name.
You ask me why I wrote this ode, the answers plain and simple,
As I sit here and twist my thumbs, I can't play with my WINKLE.
Coxswain: "I've just seen the Chief Tiff having yet another shower."
J.D.: "He's entitled to, he's a Watchkeeper".
Coxswain: "Bollack's, all he does is sit on his arse in Manoeuvring, and cause nause".
Navigator: "But that's all you do forward Coxswain!!".
A PLEA ON BEHALF OF THE TASO
Would somebody be kind enough to give the TASO a telephone number for the Samaritans, so he doesn't have to keep using the Main Broadcast.
Is it true the only reason the Coxswain wants to go to Gibraltar is to visit the 'Hole In The Wall', and he's hoping that Charles is in the other side of it.
WHITE RAT aka Steve O'Donovan
A certain member of this elite crew,
Is deft at dits, be they false or true.
To give you an idea on who is "White Rat",
Here's a clue or two, on this back stabbing pratt.
He lives in a world of fantasy and dreams,
To be in the Foreign Legion, he sits and creams.
A passing fad like all the rest,
And in black rubber he likes to be dressed.
His biggest pain is scrubbing out,
But that's next to Gollum, without a doubt.
He is always on the listen, for a good dit,
To embarrass someone with his sardonic wit.
His place of work, the Sound Room of course,
Where the Chief Ops sits, his main dit source.
His name I will keep, tight like a pod,
But his initials spell out, surprisingly SOD.
THE CASING OFFICER
I am a young sailor
called Chips,
And I go on some really nice trips.
I can get what I wangle,
If my tongue doesn't tangle.
But I don't get as much rack time as Skips.
PLAYMATE DATA-SHEET
NAME: SPLINTERDICK. IAN
BIRTHDATE: SOMETIME IN 1926
BIRTHPLACE: LOUDMOUTH, DEVON
HEIGHT: 6 FEET..............WEIGHT 200 LBS.........WAIST 42-56-42
AMBITIONS: TO COMMENTATE AT THE NEXT BRITISH GRAND PRIX, WITHOUT A TANNOY SYSTEM
TURN ON'S: SCREAMING, SHOUTING, HEATED DISCUSSIONS
TURN OFF's: WHISPERING
FAVOURITE MOVIE: SHOUT AT THE DEVIL
FAVOURITE PEOPLE: RAYMOND, DMEO, TCPO's, LOWER LEVEL, DG LMEM, MEAOW, ULMEA, EPO's, AND ANYONE WHO CAN HEAR HIM.
SECRET FANTASY: TO SHOUT OVER LONG DISTANCES i.e. EARTH TO MOON.
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