Spartoons 7.gif){kind=small}
Supplied by J.D. John Duffy. Thanks John
Well here it is at long last, the final edition of SPARTOONS for this patrol.
Sadly this edition is slightly smaller than the previous edition, but I'm sure you will find it's content is up to the same high standard. As editor I must take this opportunity to thank all the people who handed in dits and cartoons over the last 10 weeks, without you it would not have been possible to produce these last three editions.
This edition features some new SPARTOON characters, as well as all your old favorites. Many thanks to CHOP(S), who not only kept us snowed under in dits, but who also accepted this mild abuse in such a sporting manner. It's a great shame that not all the SPARTOONS targets react in the same way, cheers CHOP(S). But as the great man would say "Not everyone's a coconut, so we'll ditch them out the window."...
On a slightly more personal note, my deepest thank's must go to Scribes for the incredible effort he put into the first two editions. Your help on this edition was sadly missed. Also many thanks to the 'Baby Doc' for nursing me through my recent illness, and to all the 29 WTB minders for the endless stream of hot coffee.
My congratulations go to all who have passed their Part 3's and BSQ's and if you didn't, well maybe next time.
Finally a plea from the heart. As many of you know, I haven't been able to wrangle my way onto the next trip (What do you mean Hooray). So therefore SPARTOONS now needs a new editor, or at least a temporary one, until I return.
Spartan would not be Spartan without SPARTOONS, so please come forward, whoever you are and keep this great tradition going.
So until the return of JD settle back and enjoy.
SPARTOONS RETURN TO THE FALKLANDS. THE FINAL CHAPTER
READ THE INSTRUCTIONS NEXT TIME FLO!!!
JACQUES DUFOND AND THE CRUSTACEAN.
The Crab and the Matelot went to sea, In a Nuclear rust-coloured boat,
They took lots of gear (but sod all beer), Wrapped up in an old oil skin coat.
They wrote lots of words (everyone that they heard), And sent them all back to Mum,
But they never discovered, though they searched every cupboard, Where the skipper had hidden his Rum, his Rum.
Where the skipper had hidden his Rum.
Said the Deeps to the Crab, "You simply are fab, And your beautiful script beats the band,
But what will you do when we have to turn too, At the mouth of the Rio Grande?"
Said the Crab "You daft pillock!" We'' find us a Killick, And teach him the art of the pen.
Then when it gets busy, and the Jimmy's in a tizzy, We'll slide off and lurk in our den, Our den.
We'll slide off and lurk in our den.
So they sailed away for a year and a day, To a place where the Skyhawks all go,
And there in the Bay where the Mirages play, They blew it, all in one go.
It was "Dangerous" here and "Visual" there, What the FOSM would say, no-one knew,
But with the boat twelve foot under, there's no sound of thunder. And the Killick had f**k-all to do
So they drank all their 'Goff' and scoffed lots of 'Duff', Which they ate with a coffee stained spoon,
Then, with a cry of Plymouth for Aye! They sailed by the light of the moon, The moon.
They sailed by the light of the moon.
Act 1 Scene 1
BRUM: "I think the batteries have gone in my headset."
DUNNERS: "I think the batteries have gone in your head."
BRUM: "What."
Act 1 Scene 2
DUNNERS: "Brum what's that new saying, you've started back aft"
BRUM: "What's that?"
DUNNERS: "Yes that's it!!!"
Is it true that we recently received a signal from the Royal Institute of Medical Research requesting MEM Tim Byers not to donate his brain to science..... They seem to feel a Chiropodist would have more use for it!!!!!
Is it true that these are the ten easiest ways to flash up Scrote Eyling.
1.Tell him the rest of the boarding party can complete an assault course, including the high bits.
2.Tell him the rest of the casing party don't have to walk down the centre line, because their scared of falling in.
3.Call him Ginge's Dog.
4. Tell him he's Ginge Geoghegan's portable echo.
5.Call him a Toby Jug.
6. Remind him that Steve O'Donovan is senior Killick.
7. Recommend him for Messman.
8. Tell him he smells worse than Dankoman.
9. Tell him he's got his I.Q. mixed up with his shoe size.
10.Call him a fat, boring, gobby little shit who keeps mixing up his ambitions with his capabilities!!!
MESSAGE TO CHIEF SUMMERS ABOUT HIS FALKLANDS MEDAL
Medal's are like Hemorrhoids....In the end every arsehole gets one!!!!!!!
Act 1 Scene 3
DUNNERS: "Brum are you really deaf, or are you just messing around?"
BRUM: "Five Thirty."
DUNNERS: "What's the unit of electrical power Brum?"
BRUM: "What!"
DUNNERS: "Well done Brum."
SANDYS GOOD FORTUNE (Ode to a Sonar Maintainer)
It's the highlight of the trip they said, just you wait and see,
The Mess dinner's always fun, after 90 days at sea.
They held a draw we each drew lots, to win our dinner mate,
but I was at the back of the queue, and took my pick real late.
Now every competition has its booby prize, and so with our Mess draws,
but trust me to have such good luck, and draw young David Hawes.
So now ear muffs I will require, to plug my ears real tight,
to protect my delicate hearing, from a bombardment of constant shite.
And so now to our mess dinner night, I now await with baited breath,
in the hope that young David, doesn't bore me to fu**in death.
Now just a line to finish off, before retiring to my rack,
I'll bless the day that HMS Sovereign, take the boring bastard back!!!!
In the last edition of SPARTOONS there was a poem submitted about the Wrecker. To put it in a nutshell, he wasn't too happy about it. But I'm sorry to inform you Trevor the man you blamed for this attack upon your good character, was not who it seemed to be. So carry on reading boss and all will be revealed....
THE TRUTH
With you Wrecker I had my bite,
But the man you blamed, just isn't right.
To get back at him, through the Laundry Staff,
Would be sly and sneaky, but good for a laugh.
But I will own up, it's only decent of me,
Now it's extra duties and work I foresee.
But have a heart, it was only in jest,
For as a Boss, you are the best. [creep, creep].
So here it is, what you wanted to know,
The poet Lauriat was your hooky..... FLO
IS IT TRUE: That 2 deck has seen more scrubbers during the last TEN weeks than Union Street has seen in the last TEN years?????
Act 1 Scene 4
DUNNERS: "Brum, the tea's very weak!"
BRUM: "No, it's just that the milk's strong."
DUNNERS: "What milk?"
BRUM: "Oh, did I forget that too."
Act 1 Scene 5
DUNNERS: "How come we never get a decent Brum wet?"
BRUM: "Because I keep forgetting the tea and milk."
DUNNERS: "And water!!!"
BRUM: "What?"
HARRY: "Jacko have you seen Paul Kayes design for a T-Shirt?"
JACKO: "Yeah Harry."
HARRY: "What's it like Jacko?"
JACKO: "It's very good actually."
HARRY: "Is it worth me doing one?"
JACKO: "Yes, you go ahead and do one Harry."
HARRY: "Yeah I think I will, but I'll keep it simple."
JACKO: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE PRIGMORE SONG.. (Sung to the tune of the Monster Mash)
I was working on the casing late one night, when my eyes beheld an awesome sight.
Cos from the hatch there began to rise, A mound of sagging flesh with pig-like eyes.
chorus
It was Prigmore, It was a hell of a sight,
It was Prigmore, It was really full of shite.
It was Prigmore, It fell over the side,
It was Prigmore, and in came the tide.
He slavered his way to where I stood, and slobbered in my ear about the beer being good.
Then he hiccupped twice and dropped his guts, and the Nuclear alert went out over Guzz.
Chorus
He waddled his way to the jetty side, and the boat floated up by half a tide.
Then the dockyard sagged and began to crumble, As this huge hunk of blubber took a tumble.
Chorus
Finally this bulk came to rest, He couldn't get up though he tried his best.
So we tied him to a float and he drifted away, and now people think he's an Island in the bay.
Chorus
The End.
THE CONTINUING SAGA OF DUNSBYS DITS
Two flies were sitting on the Coxswains head and the conversation went a bit like this..
Fly1: I remember when it used to be as dense as hell up here.
Fly2: Christ you must be getting on a bit!!!
Fly1: Yeah, mind you underneath hasn't changed
Fly2: No, still as dense as ever.
Fly1: Yeah, but we couldn't eat without him.
Fly2: Why?
Fly1: It's the circle of life old son, we eat shit and generally annoy everyone. And the Coxswain here annoys everyone and generally gives them the shits.
COXN: Hey you two!!!
Fly 1+2: Yeah what do you want??
COXN: Piss off.
Fly1: Yeah lets go back aft again eh.
Fly2: OK you lead the way.
Fly1: Yeah lets sit on the DMEO's head.
Fly2: Sod off, I ain't that hungry.
Congratulations to Chief Woodstock on being selected for the Devonport Services Rugby Coach.
He will be having his teeth taken out, and 42 seats fitted shortly!!!!!!
NOTE TO THE ENTIRE SHIPS COMPANY
Will someone PLEASE send in any dainty dits/strange stories to the TASO for his nightly sitrep pipes. If he continues in his present mode the Chief Doc expects mass hysteria and/or several suicide attempts!!!
Act 1 Scene 6
GINGE: "You're deaf Brum"
BRUM: "I know, the only person it bugs though is Dunners"
GINGE: "You're right."
BRUM: "What?"
GINGE: "Aaaargh!!!!!"
PLAYMATE DATA-SHEET
NAME: PHILLIP "KEEP THE RED FLAG FLYING HERE" SUMMERS
BIRTHDATE: MAYDAY
BIRTHPLACE: RED SQUARE
HEIGHT: 5' 10"..WAIST 36"...WASTE: NO KEEPS SPARTOONS GOING
AMBITIONS: TO BECOME LABOUR MP FOR HAVANT AND WATERLOOVILLE AND LEADER OF THE NUG (National Union of Gays)
TURN ON'S: BZ BARS...MEDALS
TURN OFF's: MAGGIE THATCHER..HETEROSEXUALS.. NOT GETTING BZ BARS.
FAVOURITE MOVIE: REDS
FAVOURITE PEOPLE: LENIN, FOOT, LIVINGSTONE, BENN, QUENTIN CRISP, TOM ROBINSON AND ANY BASIC HOMOSEXUALS.
SECRET FANTASY: TO BE ABLE TO EAT A MARS BAR IN A TURKISH PRISON WITH ANY OF HIS FAVORITE PEOPLE.
 |
 |
 |
A POEM
I want to write a poem, to a really splendid man.
I won't name him, not just here, so see if you chaps can.
Find out who I'm speaking of, a man of some fame.
At the end of this short ditty, I'll let you know his name.
He is an E.P. Large and round, (Fat as some would say).
And more than once he's been voted "Best dressed of the Day".
For tidiness is not a forte, that this person breeds,
You'll often find his set and hair look like tangled weeds.
Now he's been double-banking, that's an evil ploy,
The chap he's had to share with, is no more than a boy.
And giving up his rack-time, isn't easy on our chap,
For between his bed and back, there rarely is a gap.
Onboard he is a beaver, there's never too much work,
Though he sometimes leaves Manoeuvring with a cry of "WHAT A BURKE..".
He won't suffer fools gladly, no that's not in his roots,
Now he's studied S.G. Chemistry some people call him BOOTS.
I could go on spinning dits about the pizza's that he's ET,
Or the seven Chinese dinners that were stolen from the vet.
He likes his food does our guy, he enjoys his bacon roll,
But in inches around his stomach, this has taken a tragic toll.
And now to his identity, I'll give you a small clue,
If it turns you Topsy-Turvey, will "He's a Greenie" do?
His name it isn't Smeagol, or Sniffing Scouse, or Jim,
If I tell you anymore, you'll know, and go telling him.
So if you've had some hassle from a man with digits, NINE,
And you've got one answer to him right, then you'll know it's just fine.
For our Hero is a cool dude, he's not so very daft,
Cos he's had so long training, back home in CANVEY RAFT.
B.Z....Will Zap you All
Act 1 Scene 7
BRUM: "Dunners why does everyone think I'm a deaf Sod".
DUNNERS: "EH, What?"
BRUM: "You taking the p*ss"
DUNNERS: "Would I take the p*ss?"
BRUM: "What"
DUNNERS: "Sod off Brum."
Act 1 Scene 8
DUNNERS: "There's some really good dits about you, in the dits book Brum"
BRUM: " Starboard both, main to main."
DUNNERS: "Deaf Bastard"
BRUM: "What?"
SPARTOONS MUSIC SCENE
Hi mortals. It's DJ..JD SUPERSTAR here. Bringing you the hottest vibes from the two-deck disco. Many megastars such as Chips have failed to make this final chart although it's believed he's now heavily into Genesis. Well anyway he's been seen asking fire extinguishers in the control room if they like them?
This final chart has many new faces in it trying to make an impression. Is this a New Wave we ask, or are they just Punks? The big band sound is back again in the shape of the 'One O'clock Club', with many late night sessions falling over in the early hours. Geoff Dash continues his long line of single's successes with his remake of an old Suzi Quattro number. A recent announcement from the Cannes Music Studio's indicates that Geoff's new album entitled 'Canned' Rock, will be released shortly.
Many duo's have recently split up and gone their seperate ways. OPS has flown away leaving the other half of this famous singing duo, to form a new band simply called B.T.O. (Badman Turner Overdrive). Fats Pipe has left the Prigmore Blubber Band and has released his first solo single. Which he has been trying to peddle around the Two Deck Disco, and almost anywhere else people have nothing better to do than listen to him!!! Wolfpack Biffo said he'll sleep this one out, so therefore get your headsets on and jive away to the hottest sounds from the..
SPARTOONS TOP TEN
1. CAN THE CAN............................................GEOFF DASH
2. ALL NIGHT LONG......................................THE ONE O'CLOCK CLUB
3. WANNA BE STARTING SOMETHING......THE L/STD
4. FOR THOSE ABOUT TO RACK.................THE CAPTAIN
5. I'M SICK AND TIRED.................................THE WOLFPACK BIFFO BAND
6. BAD SEED....................................................WHACKER
7. MY WHITE BICYCLE..................................FATS PIPE
8. DANCING QUEEN......................................HAZEL
9. I'M IN CHARGE...........................................BADMAN TURNER OVERDRIVE
10.DEATH ON TWO LEGS.............................DILLON BYERS
Act 1 Scene 9
DUNNERS: "Troy is that habit of Brums catching?"
TROY: "Say again"
DUNNERS: "What!"
Act 1 Scene 10
DUNNERS: "Mac is that Brums headset your wearing?"
MAC: "Eh What?"
DUNNERS: "Can we have them back"
Act 1 Scene 11
DUNNERS: "Brum wet the tea"
BRUM: "F**k off!!"
RUDE WORDS
Who said that rude word?
What rude word?
That rude 4 letter word
What rude 4 letter word?
That one, the one beginning with B and ending with K.
Oh you mean BUNK
Ssshh not so loud!!
"I didn't say it" said the Coxswain.
"Nor I" said the CERA
"Not me" said the WEO
"Certainly not me" said the MEO
"Not me" said the Cab Space
Well shut up the lot of you!!!!!
Spartan Super Hero. CRASHMAN.
PER AQUA AD ASTRA
Dedicated to all the GASH 2nd Watch Planesmen
Didn't ever see one so brave, proud and carefree, fearing naught,
He takes the bit between his teeth, hands on joystick, legs athwart.
Too boldly go where you not dare, his faith in God he puts,
Say what you will of reckless man, to try to fly a sub takes guts.
Is it true Dillon Byers has put a drip chit into his D.O. Complaining about the snail that keeps following him around the boat!!