Spartoons 8.gif){kind=small}
Supplied by J.D. John Duffy. Thanks John
THE OUTSIDE SPY
There's a spy in our
department, they call him Tony Best,
And when it's time for scrubbing out, this man is but a pest.
Wherever the lads are turned too, no matter where we go,
In the Scrubber of the Lyser space, you'll always find the SPO.
He spy's upon the
TS's when their scrubbing the Control Room deck,
He likes to make sure, their keeping it up to spec.
He never spy's back-aft thou, because he knows he doesn't fit,
Coz all back-afties will agree, the SPO is full of s**t.
The sailors are
always scrubbin, they put polish upon the deck,
In the hope he'll come a cropper, and break his fu**in' neck.
He sits upon the panel and dreams of M.I.5.,
While down below the lads are scrubbin, we never ever skive.
He even spy's upon
the stewards, that's Andy and Old John,
He then inspects the damage, when the stewards are long gone.
The man has many disguises, he wears Columbo's dirty mac's,
But just for once please Tony, "GET OFF OUR FU**ING
BACKS"
Gibraltar 1983.
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS 1983
As most of you will know, I will not be along for the next trip, a fact which I know will please a few people. Knowing this I have made enquiries amongst the Ships Company to find out what they would like for Christmas. So enabling me to do my Christmas shopping while your all away on patrol. So here below is JD's shopping list for 1983. I hope you get what you want............
The Captain.............. A new mattress
1st Lt.........................Divisions on Christmas Day
Whacker....................B13. So that he can be rated up from a balloon to Zeppelin.
L/Sea Clarke.............A pair of legs
Gary Marsland.........A new dress (pink one please)
PO/STWD................To finish a conversation with someone
Tank Harvey.............10 inches to be put on each leg to stop his 'old man' from trailing in dockyard puddles.
R.S. Cockbill............10 inches cut off each leg so that his 'old man' does trail in dockyard puddles.
Ray Burgess..............A draft chit for MEM Jones.
MEM Jones..............A draft chit for Ray Burgess
General......................For Leading Cook Pipe to be serious for 5 minutes whilst cooking.
Cook Sanderson.......51 packets of Biscuits.
WEM Rogers...........To be taken seriously.
Brum Lowbridge.......A hearing Aid.
CHOP(S)...................For L/Sea Geoghegan to stop putting dits about him in SPARTOONS.
WEO..........................For REA Lazenby to stop wearing slip-on shoes.
REA Lazenby............A tin of shoe polish.
OERA......................The telephone number of a hitman for Dillon Byers.
Coxswain..................The Sovereign to come out of refit.
Blood Reed...............For Massey Ferguson to become Prime Minister.
L/Sea Dash...............To stop looking at the world through two road-maps.
Chips........................To get elocution lessons and to find out if the extinguisher in the Control Room likes Genesis.
Pete Danby...............A drip tray.
SCO.........................A 1/2" A/F spanner to tighten the resilient mounts on his knees.
TASO.......................To make a decent SITREP pipe.
Chief Doc..................To get his Golden Blanket award back.
JR's Mess.................For Buck Taylor to pick his rate up.
Florrie Ford.............. For Geoff Dash to go on draft and stay out of the Plymouth area.
JD.............................Bloody good running shoes, to get away from this lot.
What's this AC/DC beacon then?
Act 1 Scene 12
DUNNERS:
"Brum who invented the steam Engine?"
BRUM: "Pardon"
DUNNERS: "Bloody typical"
Act 1 Scene 13
DUNNERS:
"Brum have you got your contact lens in the wrong way round
again?"
BRUM: "Say again."
DUNNERS: "Tosser"
BRUM: "What's that?"
DUNNERS: "Deaf Tosser"
LOWER LEVEL. Saturday 6th August 1983 at 1600 hrs
A true dit from MEA Tompkins
MEM (BRUM) LOWBRIDGE "What's happening Mac?"
MEM (MAC) MACALLISTER "Wiers distilling forward, transferring 4 to 2, lined up to pump forward bilges.
BRUM: O.K. Mac, see ya.
MAC: What's the time Brum
BRUM: Five past Four
MAC: Oh well just in case you didn't get it the first time. Wiers distilling forward, transferring 4 to 2 and lined up to pump forward bilges.
BRUM: Yeah alright got all that.
MAC: What's the time now Brum?
BRUM: Almost ten past four.
MAC: Fancy a wet Brum? Tea or Coffee?
BRUM: Oh cheers Mac, a cup of coffee please.
Mac returns ten minutes later from the platform with a cup of coffee for Brum down the lower level.
MAC: What's the time now Brum?
MAC: Brum did you hear me I said what time is it?
BRUM: I'm not deaf, I'm not deaf I heard you the first time, its twenty past four.
MAC: Do you want a hand with anything Brum.
BRUM: Kind of you Mac, but no thanks.
MAC: Well are you sure about what's happening, the Wiers is distilling forward, transferring 4 to 2, lined up to pump forward bilges.
BRUM: YES!!! THANK YOU MAC!!!!
M/ROOM: Lowest Level, Manoeuvring... put the Wiers to dump.
BRUM: Weirs to dump, Roger.
MAC: I'll do that for you Brum.
BRUM: Oh cheers Mac
MAC: Manoeuvring, Lower Level, Weirs to dump.
M/ROOM: Roger Weirs
MAC: What's the time now Brum.
BRUM: Four Thirty
MAC: Got the weight then.
BRUM: I said four thirty!
MAC: I said have you got the weight ya deaf bugger!!!!
BRUM: Yeah, Sod off.
Mac then proceeds through the tunnel forward to the gash ejector space.
MAC: How much gash is there left to do Pete?
PETE: We've just finished Mac.
MAC: Oh you haven't have you? Oh damn, Oh blast, bugger, shame. I 've missed compacting the gash again. Oh dear.
PETE: Where've you been Mac?
MAC: Oh I've been busy down the Lower Level.
PETE: Funny your always busy on a Saturday.
MAC: Yeah funny that.
PETE: !!!!!!!
Nice One TONKA, Nice One.
Lowest Level Engine Room
Lowest Level, Manoeuvring. "Vac dragging port, Weirs is alarming, Flash the Braby, Bottle sample port, Extraction Discharge, Man Starboard Feed Station. Control port hot well in hand. Test L.O. cuttings, line up to pump For'd bilges and can I have a tank state when your ready. And don't forget an hours cleaning this watch.
IS IT TRUE
Is it true that the Captains 'Doorbell' is wrongly marked the 'Battery Exhaust Fan'. All answers to Leading Steward John O'Donnell. c/o The Paddy OD FAN club, Wardroom FANtry., H.M.Submarine StartFAN.
BUZZES
There are some nasty buzzes which have reached SPARTOONS news desk. We ask can they be true?
Is it true that Thommo
has spent some money this trip?
Hazel isn't Gay?
The Supply Officer thought about cashing
cheques?
The POSTD held an interesting conversation with
someone?
Pete Esser has a brain?
Kev Danks had a shower?
Tony Best smiled?
The Aussie went a whole day without crashing
into anything?
JD racked out?
CHOP(S) Voted Conservative?
Florrie Ford has a chin?
Plank Rogers went a whole shift without one
f**k-up.
The TASO made a sitrep pipe, which someone
actually listened too?
Dave Sales passed a board?
The Back Afties kept 2 watches in the same week?
Sandy Sanders enjoyed the Senior Rates mess
dinner?
The answer to all the above questions is of course....................NO
It was revealed today upon H.M. Submarine Spartan that second watch have developed a new method of getting First-Watch out of their racks early......They send Dillon Byers to work down the A.M.S.....
Lt Pomphrett aka BZ MAN
FROM ME TO YOU
I have penned odes on a few its said, but here's the last and it's for SPARTOONS ED.
I joined this boat having heard of this rating, said he's a grafter-but I'm still waiting.
For sure he is one weird case, had his hair cut then grew it on his face.
I use the term loosely when I call it a set, for it looked like his eyebrows had come down for a wet
The toll of this trip was too much no doubt, so he spent five days on his back, racked out.
He has one good point I must admit, But for the life of me I can't think of it.
He's into football but not Liverpool, I think it's EVERTON the disillusioned fool.
His part of ship is of course For'd Tech, but he still doesn't realise we have a 3 deck.
Look at the log sheets at the end of the night, and you wont see his name, try as you might.
He likes back-stabbing must be OD's mate, they both hurl shite, at a phenomenal rate.
By now you have guessed who it's turned out to be, It's that sea going rider the scouser JD
Florrie Ford
It was said that I wouldn't print dits about myself but the above poem silences that criticism. But like all good editors I have the right to reply. So see below and see what I have to say about my mate Flo.
ODE TO FLO
The Editor Fights Back.
Now Flo he was on
Sceptre and was trained by a man named Smith,
Which explains why he's as useless, as your average baby tiff.
Now Flo he is a grafter, or so he keeps telling me,
But he hasn't done a full days work, since we put to sea.
He joined us last
time in and came on leaps and bounds,
but like the man he replaced he never does scrubber rounds.
He likes to listen to heavy rock while lying in his bed,
But the music's done it's damage, there's now no brains in his
head.
He thinks he is a
poet and writes many lines of prose,
But we all call him NO CHIN, coz his face end's at his nose.
He also likes to have a drink a few cans every night,
But he never ever buys a round, coz he's to bleedin' tight.
If you hoot with
the owls you have to soar with the eagles a saying familiar to
all,
So how come every morning Flo, your never on the ball.
His part of ship is Foreplanes, I can say without a doubt,
Coz when I looked for him last Friday, that's where I found
him...racked out.
Poor Flo he is
getting very old and for his appearance has the Navy to thank,
But if you took away his set, I'd swear he'd look like a plank.
Operational not Decorational, you will often hear him shout,
But what he really means is, he ain't scrubbing out.
And so to end this
dit to you, In answer to your blasphemen,
Don't take the piss out the Spartoons Ed, because you know I
always get even.
Love JD.
Watcher Clear, Sector Clear, Watcher Clear, Sector Clear.
WHO SAID THAT?
To get out of bunks, who was heard to ask...."Are there any lockers big enough for the Coxswain"
The Jimmy was heard to say "If I hear another word about the fifth watch, I will stay inboard all the next trip."........Fifth Watch, Fifth Watch, Fifth Watch, Fifth Watch, Fifth Watch, Fifth Watch Fifth Watch, Fifth Watch, Fifth Watch, Fifth Watch, Fifth Watch, Fifth Watch.
MEO:
"Why are all those washing machines in my bunkspace?"
DMEO: "There are too many single cabins in
this submarine."
Paddy
O'Donnell and his friend joining up at the Careers
office in Belfast.
Recruiting Chief: "Name?"
Paddy's mate: "Pat Sir"
Chief: "No it's not it's Patrick"
Paddy's mate: "Oh yes sorry Chief"
Chief: "Name?"
Paddy: "Johnrick Sir!!"
Mental Man Edwards was sitting on a bus one day when he noticed a young girl licking a lollipop. He noticed there was a hair on the lollipop and being polite he leaned over and said " Excuse me little girl, do you know you've got a hair on your sweetie?"... "Yes I know", replied the young girl. "Now sod off you bald headed pervert."
Q:
What's small, black, hairy, got green eyes, 12 legs and lurks in
dark corners?
A: Don't know but there are stacks of them in Mental
Man's rack.
Someone calling at Mental
Man's House
Knock, Knock.
Eff off!!!!
SPARTOON AWARD CATEGORY NOMINATIONS FOR 1983
1. The Kawalski Award.........For the crew member who does everything
2. Mr. Spartan He-Man Award
3. Miss Spartan She-Man Award
4. The most unsuccessful Diet
5. Hydrophobic Award (Crab Award).
6. Spartans Best artist award. (Drawing, Piss, Drag)
7. Cadge a fag award.
8. The main access hatch award (For the biggest dripper).
9. The Michael Foot award. (Spartans best dressed Man/Women/TS)