Spartoons 9.gif){kind=small}
Supplied by Steve Watson. Thanks Soapy
Not since last
November have I spoken to you in this capacity. I must say it's
good to be back. Despite what some may say I do go to sea
sometimes and I was delighted to accept the kind offer of a paid
holiday to Lisbon, Gibraltar and who knows where else. When I
heard I was on the guest list on the back aft tea boat I was just
a bit disappointed. (Sometimes I keep watches too, you know), but
on seeing the company I kept there, my disappointment was
overcome. During this trip the staff of SPARTOONS will try to
bring you some culture, the occasional laugh and a total
understanding of what 'creative journalism' is all about. But
without your help in uncovering some of the scandal and
unscrupulous characters onboard we cannot fully succeed.
I am now pleased to say again the immortal, or in this magazines
case, immoral words- Read On!!
On hearing that people were being asked to give lectures on hobbies and pet subjects etc. We came up with this list:
Tropical Fish or No
Tropical
Fish........................................................Leading
Cook 'Steam' Pipe
Life of a Gay in
Britain..........................................................................Sling
it about Wood
How to Bounce on your
Head..............................................................Spacehopper
Eyling
Hair Transplants and their effect on the
mind....................................Super Sam Smee
Crabs, do we need them, the breeding and keeping of
crabs..........George 'Baldy' Edwards
How to be a Gigolo................................................................................Trev
Spokes
The effects of the clap on a
stud..........................................................'Stud
29' Lonsdale
The High Class
Hooker........................................................................'5
Escudos' Fox
The advantages of a big
nose.............................................................NNose
Kennewell
What it's like to be a
Spik.....................................................................NoseyStreet
Kneeling on a prayer mat, facing
East................................................Abdul
Ben Downie
Looking 40 at
17...................................................................................Shakin'
Lt Stevens
My life on
Blob.......................................................................................Bunny
Warren.
THE TS's BEDTIME STORY
Once upon a time there were six little girls who wore boys clothes who lived altogether on a pretty little submarine somewhere in the Atlantic. They were called Slinger, Rosita, Georgina, Nigella, Earine and Davina. One day while carrying out their menial tasks onboard the submarine, Slinger came running into the heads with mascara smudged, false eye-lashes missing and said something that made all the others prick up their ears, or in one case, ear, and listen.
"Someone's been sleeping in my bed", she stuttered. "In your case bitch, it's nothing new" said Earine. "But this time it wasn't Jim Dale, honestly", cried Slinger. "Who was it then slut?" said Davina, who wasn't totally convinced.
"You always were an abusive little sh*t", yelled Slinger getting hysterical. "Whoever made you a TS should have realised you weren't slack like the rest of us". Slinger wailed. "Will you stop getting a Priscilla on", shouted Rosita. "And you can sod off too, you sheep shagger", screamed Slinger, who was now in a high state of hysteria. Just then Georgina stepped forward, smashed Slinger in the teeth and snarled "Stay Cool, Slag". And off he went strumming his guitar and trying to sing.
Earine's brain (yes they did have them, although very small) started to tick. "Why don't we call our Fairy God Mother, she'll help us. We can't keep arguing amongst ourselves, and I for one am getting cheesed off with Slingers Tizzies"......"But how do we get in touch with her?" They all shouted in unison. Just then there was a blinding flash and there in all her finery stood their Fairy Godmother. The Wonder Navi.
To be continued.
For all those that don't know- The reason Bunny Warren always has a 'sad-on', is not the lack of Tampax onboard, just pre-menstrual tension.
AB Kinrade wishes to point out, that his wearing of cammi-knickers, stockings and suspenders is not a fully fledged fetish, he only does it now and again?
On hearing complaints
about the severe menu changes recently. Bunny Warren
was heard to say "If the bloody night Chef would pull his
finger out and supply me with the correct gear, then changes
would not be necessary!"
(Ck Beech we await your reply)
Pete Ruskin... The only bloke known to have paid 3,000 Escudos for a nights kip.
MEM 'Bullet' Davidson under examination from Medical Assistant Hollis for tonsillitis, whilst still worrying about a Lisbon dose. Was told he had white spots on his throat. "Does this mean I've got Thrush?" he enquired.
Did you hear about the baby Tiff who booked an early-morning telephone call. Next morning he woke up late and adrift. On confronting the manager as to why his early morning call had not come through, he was told. "Well Mr. Dunsby it's quite simple really, you don't have a phone in your room."
Well No.1 glad to see nobody in trouble this time, Nice to see.
Graham Wrigley wishes to point out that he is not a jazzer. Just an 'Orange on legs'.
George Edwards wishes to point out that he is not bald. Just a bit thin on top.
Sandy Beech
was heard to say in response to Bunny Warren's
earlier criticism's. "If that turkey was as good at cooking
as he is at dripping. Then perhaps the Chefs onboard would have a
better name".
(Bunny we await your reply.)
We are pleased to
announce that AB(TS) Wood and RO(SM)1
Dale are friends again. Not much is known about their
tiff, but all is well now. They were seen gazing into each others
eyes at tonight's movie (1 April 1982).
P.S. Back row, of course.
When told about the last item. Scrote was moved to tears and said that it made him want to jiff.
LMEM Nigel Kennewell is said to be cheesed off with people laughing and mocking him because of his nose and he is considering a transplant. A suitable donor was found but Nigel said that he couldn't use Bunny Warren's because he didn't know how to remove the ground-in sh*t and boot polish that had built up on it.
Dear Doc,
I am very worried about my physical condition, and I think it's
starting to affect me mentally as well. I am only 17 but
according to some look well over 30. My main problem is enlarged
breasts and swelling gut. Am I really a little girl developing
late or am I pregnant? The reason I ask is because I really enjoy
it, when the boys tap me up. I get this tingling feeling all over
and I really love it. I am also starting to enjoy getting slapped
about for little respect to my seniors. Is this a perversion I
ask myself, am I losing self control?
Please Doc Help me
Love Stevie
Dear Stevie
You are beyond help, I am sorry to say. You are a helpless, self
pitying little sh*t. For which nothing can be done, so stop
wasting my time.
Love Doc.
If you have any problems write to Doc 'Butcher' Brannan. This kind hearted, caring bloke is sure to offer a sympathetic ear and some sound advice.
Steve Pipe in a statement to us yesterday said "I wish the other two sh*ts would shut up, all I want is a quiet life and to look after my fish. Bunny is always dripping and as usual is wrong. If it wasn't for Sandy and myself nothing would get done in this Galley".....Thank you Steve.
He later added "The General is the best Petty Officer Chef, I have ever had the pleasure of working with"....No points for groveling Steve, but a good try. For success Bunny advises "Just get down on your knees".
Jim Slater would also like to make a comment concerning the service from the Galley. He say's it was bad enough when Paddy Finnegan was here, but now Steve Pipe is back, things can only get worse. On the other hand the fact that Bunny Warren is the other Day Chef says it all?
Leading Steward Slater also wishes to announce he is seeking a replacement for Steward Fox. He says "Foxy is the biggest leper onboard and that one of these days he will start to fall apart 'a la Spider'. He is a social degenerate and a disgrace to the branch" added Jim!
Whilst on the SURFACE in the Control Room, Brum Collier was heard to say "Dip and raise Search Periscope".
Spartan's chef's have come up with another first. Turning the food into sh*t before you eat it, thus saving you two jobs in one foul swoop.
Q.
When is a Diesel Room Watchkeeper, not a Diesel Room Watchkeeper?
A. When he is at sea. (He's normally inboard).
Readers Wives Gallery on 29 Bulkhead.....Yes or No
It has come to the attention of many members of the ships company that the main attraction of 29 Bulkhead, other than the highly effeminate WEM 'Gorgeous George' Malone, has been removed. We refer, of course to the Readers Wives Gallery. Maintained at a great expense by the said George and his leader LWEM 'I can't stop combing my hair' Owen. We therefore request that this great part of Spartan's tradition be re-installed at 29 Bulkhead. It is sadly missed and should it return it can only be a boost to morale.
THE TS's BEDTIME STORY. (Continued)
Sitrep..... The story
so far:
The little girls were in uproar over Slinger.
Someone had been in her rack and a great argument had ensued.
They called for their Fairy God Mother, and on cue she had
arrived. Now read on.......
"What's the problem here then?" said the Wonder Navi. "Well it's like this", began Earine. "Come, Come" said the wonder Navi.... "We are, we are" they all cried together. "There is no problem too great or too small" said Wonder Nav.
"Well it's like this" said Slinger, who was now recovering her posture. "Some horrid person, probably one of the UC types has been in my rack".................."What not Jim Dale?" asked Wonder Nav who had heard about Slingers on, off love job with Jim. "No not Jim" said Slinger, "The UC's get a great kick out of sniffing her pillow" said Nigella and Rosita together. "Who in particular?" asked the Wonder Nav... "Well we caught the 'Crabman' there once" said Davine. "How did you know it was Crabman" said Wonder Nav. "Well man!", interrupted Georgina who had re-entered the room. "It was like this, we came to the bunkspace one day and we saw the old sod with Slingers pillow wrapped around his head"..............."Yes but how do you know it was him" said Wonder Nav. "Well cat, the fleshy coloured skull cap gave him away" said Georgina, now idly strumming her guitar.
"Right" said Wonder Nav. "We'll pursue that lead, and see if we can set a trap for him. Rumours around here, always suggested he was a bit of an old pervert." They set about laying a trap for the Crabman. Would he fall into it? Would the case be solved? And if so, what fate awaited the Crabman?
For more insight read on next time in ' The TS Bedtime Story'......To be continued.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF
About a year ago we
started a series called 'A day in the life of' using one of the
more senior members of the Ship's Company. He wrote the piece and
left it up to the crew to identify him.
That was so successful we have decided to resurrect it once
more. Our first subject would not have given an accurate account
of his day, as it might have proved embarrassing for him. So to
save his blushes we will write it for him.
LMA BRANNAN....This is YOUR day.
1215: Get up after at least 10 hours in the rack, unless his bed-mate the Messman needs it. Have a quick dhobi and then straight to the front of the dinner queue.
1220: Hurl's abuse along with everyone else at Bunny Warren for the sh*t he has just served up.
1230: Has done enough for one forenoon, a quick lie down should do the trick. If he can get the Messman out, that is!
1300: Totally refreshed after a twenty minute lie down. (The other 10 minutes were spent throwing a wendy with the Messman). Decides it's time to show his face aft. Arrives at the Laboratory to find the Chief Doc has already done everything. Looks at his watch, the afternoon movie starts in 20 minutes. Best get For'd to reserve a good seat hopefully next to Leading Steward Slater so that they can exchange sea dits. (Sea Dits?)
1345: Movie starts.
1545: Movie ends and he decides to do some real work. So he gets out the uckers board and sets it up. Has trouble getting a game as he is a 'ludo-playing sh*t'.
1730: After several games, he has a sweat-on. Time to have a shower and get a swift 45 minutes in the rack. It's been a hard afternoon and so a nap before scran, is just what the doctor ordered.
1830: He arrives for scran with a 'right-soapy' on. It took him 20 minutes to get his Messman bedmate out of his rack, and 25 minutes is not long enough to ease the tensions of a hard day!!
1845: After a day like that, a good scran is needed. But with Bunny and Billy Pipe in the Galley there would be no chance of that. At this stage he is really wound-up. Could do with a nap before the evening movie. No scrubbing-out for Alec, his part of ship is back aft, so off he goes to his rack yet again.
1945: The boys have "scrubbed out" again and are settling down for the movie. Alec arrives and claims his seat which is occupied by the Messman. But after a 10 minute argument Alec settles down and the movie begins.
2145: The movie is nearly finished, so Alec stands and moves to the back of the mess. This is to avoid helping with the cleaning up after the movie. After all we can't have a Doc with dirty hands can we. Add to that the fact that he's a Senior Leading Hand, it puts it in a nutshell.
2150: He returns for his nightcap and then retires. Thumps the Messman for one last time, and turns in for the night.
Night Night Alec....................
The 1982 SPARTOONS
Awards will be decided over the next couple of weeks. A ballot
box and voting slips will be available on 2 deck soon. Don't
forget to vote, and please only one slip per person.
The categories will be listed, and it will be up to you to vote
for likely winners. Who will receive a certificate of merit and a
can of beer each, for their trouble.
We would also like to announce our sponsorship of the Ships Mess
Games Championship being played at the moment. All winners will
automatically receive another Can of Beer.
The Awards Ceremony will then take place before our arrival back
in Guzz. (Or if you prefer, sometime around the end of
August........Good Buzz!)
A new movie has just been released by SPARTAN Epics Ltd.
'Aloha Bobby and John through the looking glass'
Certificate XXX
Starring LMEM(L) Rae and MEA2 Bennett.
A real eye opener. Bob and John in their most natural poses in front of the mirror. Outstanding make-up by LWEM John Sharpe.
Lt Steele was heard muttering the other day about having a 'grow bag' in his rack instead of a sleeping bag. Scouse Naylor and Cess Pool when hearing this, said it wouldn't be a bad idea for them either.
The Biggest Tits are always in Spartoons
Spartan Gronk
The sex crazy Mech Gorrie suggested we put something stimulating, but subtle in our mag. So here is his favourite pin-up "Titillating Topsy".
The Skipper whilst sitting in Manoeuvring generally boosting morale and spinning a good line in dits (he must have struggled as he was enduring a cup of LMEM Spokes best toxic tea.) suddenly exclaimed "Ye Gods! I have got my socks on inside out.".....................Don't worry sir, it happens to the best of us at times.
On looking in the mirror's in the SR's Heads, various Senior Rates have reported that all they see is an image of MEA Bennett... Apparently he stands in front of the mirror for so long, that he has left a lasting impression.
Today's Useless Fact.
Mr. Whitehead invented the torpedo. He named it after his mother,
Katerine.
That's why our torpedoes are called 'Ma Kate's' (Mark 8's).
A selection of gems courtesy of MEO's Night Orders.
28 Mar 82: One weeks hard work before Devonport 5 April 82, nearly home now.
29 Mar 82: Surface passage to Gibraltar. Whatever the reason, smile. As Mr. M-L says "That's life in a blue suit." Except he's not supposed to be in one for much longer.
31 Mar 82: This buzz about AUTEC, D105, El Salvador, Singapore etc.....................April Fool.
03 Apr 82: Just think, if you weren't here on a Saturday night, you would be squandering your money in the pub, disco or something else like that. Aren't to all lucky, to be saving your money.
04 Apr 82: For the seasonally minded, Spring becomes Autumn tomorrow. Doesn't time fly, keep taking the tablets.
05 Apr 82: Cross the Equator tonight, monitor reversal of all electrical machines as the magnetic field reverses. But note that the magnetic equator does not exactly follow the geographic equator. Mech Gorrie to co-ordinate report.
07 Apr 82: You will have seen the masking tape over gauges and lamps designed to keep flying glass to a minimum. As an additional precaution, spectacle wearers should apply a strip of tape to their lenses. And telephones should be taped to avoid sharp exchanges. Volunteers may be called upon to tape the SG gauge glasses.
09 Apr 82: One thing you can be sure of, we shall be in Devonport by the end of August. We have a pack onboard, urging that detailed planning for Navy Days starts now.
11 Apr 82: In the event of capture by the Argentineans, destruction of AB's, Tins is the responsibility of the RPO and EPO. Each page is to be torn into not less than 32 pieces and then dissolved in a gash bin of 0.25N Sulphuric Acid, MEAOW please provide. Alternative disposal if acid is not available, will be by burning or eating.
14 April 82: MEA Selby and POMEM Gibson are desperately short of music for their dance lessons. Any cassettes to them please, Tango, Samba, Bossa Nova are top priorities. Also French-chalk to make the Tech Office floor slippery. Anyone who does not believe this to be a genuine class, I have it on good authority that MEA Selby won the BBC Come Dancing Amateur Award of 1979. (Ladies section of course).
15 Apr 82:
(They were in French).
Moi, non compredez...Ed.
16 Apr 82: Can anyone lend MEM Brown a needle and thread....he's having trouble keeping Mech Gorrie at arms length. There is no truth in the rumour that we will still be here on my next birthday.
17 Apr 82: Another 'well done' to the fridge repair team. It's not true that they thought of leaving it until all the food went off, so that we could all go home.
18 Apr 82: Second Leave is looking shaky now!
19 Apr 82: Welly of the Week Award to POMEM Gonzo. MEM Brown was going to write night orders, but failed to get beyond the Plant state due to grubby hands.
22 Apr 82: Now that the Watch organisation has been shuffled, I should tell you that MEO has not yet made his award nominations, but I'm looking.
23 Apr 82:
(After being nominated for Jazzer of the year, MEO
has this to say). I shall be checking fingerprints on nomination
slips. And the first home duty list, will be arranged according
to what I find.
The Editor feels he should add: The MEO wore a rather camp
expression as he slid into Manoeuvring for the first, tonight. He
was wearing a tidy little number in Cravat and rather shady
looking tinted sunglasses.
25 Apr 82: A quiet night in the airplane factory.
26 Apr 82: I'm 'all-night-in' and can't think of any good lines. Everything same as usual.
30 Apr 82: I know I've said it before, but things should start to happen tomorrow.
For the Phantom Amenders of
MY Night Orders.
1. Your Biro and style, usually gives you away.
2. According to pay regulations, pay day is the last working day
of the month.
3. MEO is NEVER wrong anyway.
Glad they signed my request form to machine gun survivors!
DREAMING
Frank the POSA
had a dream, upon the planes to sit,
And one day to get on depth, and maybe stay on it.
The TASO's got a brassy-on, he's miserable and
blue,
Stand down men not required Sir?, Bollacks! Watch stand too.
The WEO leaps
up from chair, he's back inside the gym,
Then off he goes with bends and stretches, "I must improve
my trim".
The SCO, all hair and whiskers, sits there
solemn and quiet,
And dreams of being two stone lighter, suggest you start your
diet.
Control Room lights from red
to white, "who the hell's that singing?"
It's stage struck Hughie Porter, Sir. The lights
have set him going.
But Hughie doesn't notice them, by now he's too far gone,
As his jokes routine comes to an end, he starts another song.
By now the pains too much to bare, "Christ! What's
next" the Jimmy shout,
Mouth Organ Sir?, "Not bloody likely, turn those white
lights out".
Rackets George
sits down Warner, guitar in his hand,
And dreams of the day he puts together, 'Hembrough's
Rock and Roll Band'.
He strums his guitar and gives a howl, "Man dig that crazy
beat".
Meanwhile in the Control Room, Slinger crashes
off his seat.
"What the hells the matter, Slinger?". "My
headphones", he replied,
"Heard some kind of weird sound, made me cold inside".
"He's had a fit" the Doctor says,
that's very plain to see,
Whilst down the Warner Shack, Rackets smiles, and breaks the key.
Davey's in
the mood for fighting, his fiancée's 21st he's missed,
I'll kill those bleeding spicks he vows, and clenches up his
fists.
We'll hit them with a few mark 8's and send them to the bottom,
And those left bobbing on the surface, will bloody wish they
wasn't.
Want a dit, well here's the
latest, SPARTAN's leaving here,
We're going home, as of tomorrow, break out the cans of beer.
Just a minute here's the Captain, he doesn't look
so glad,
Cheer up Sir we're going home. Ha, bloody dream on lad!!!!
EDITORIAL
I was glad to see and hear
that most people enjoyed our last effort. Also the response to
our plea for more material has been, to say the least, excellent.
As you will see in this issue.
The voting for the 1982 Spartoons Awards was also a success with
135 people voting. Not bad as the current crew numbers 117?
Details of the awards ceremony will appear in this issue.
On the sports front it is good to see matches in all
championships are being played. And in most of them are at the
semi-final stage. An up to date report will also appear in this
issue.
Finally a new award. The 'Black Jack' award. For the most
important contribution to this magazine. This award goes to Lt
Hudson for his splendid drawings.
THE TS's BEDTIME STORY. (Continued)
SITREP: When we last left our little girls they along with Wonder Navi were in the process of laying a trap for the infamous CRABMAN.
"What are we going to do?" they cried........."More like how are we going to do him." asked Georgina, who had put her guitar away. "Now now, let's sit down and think" said Wonder Navi. Two seconds later Earine jumped up and suggested that they use Slinger as bait, and lay in wait for whoever should come along. "That's no good" said Georgina," That little s*ag has so many men friends onboard, that anyone could come", and they all did. Suddenly from the depths of 2 deck they heard a clicking noise, and it was getting closer. It had just gone 0100 and the Crabman was coming off-watch. And by the sounds of it, bringing all his crabs with him.
Several minutes had
passed and still the noises were getting closer. They all lay
motionless in wait, their hearts beating faster and faster in
fear of the dreaded crabs. And then as if by magic an eerie glow
appeared from round the corner, moving towards them. As it
reached Slingers bunk it stopped, and a sniffing sound could be
heard. All of a sudden the lights went on and what had been an
eerie glow, was now a dazzling apparition. The Crabman was
trapped and he knew it, as they all jumped him, and Slinger
grabbed him by the Scrote. His crabs retreated, and he was alone
to face the Pink Ladies. Would he survive to sniff more pillows?
Read on next time....
After his defeat in
the final of the Uckers Singles Championship. Billy Pipe,
in an in-depth interview. Said he was sorry for his pathetic
display, he said he had a weight on his mind.
One of his famous duffs, no doubt!!
"Never
mind today's useless fact Pigeon Brain
How about today's useless system?"
FROM COAL TO NUCLEAR. (THEY SAID IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN)
It is a little known fact that HMS SPARTAN has a celebrity onboard, a relic of a bygone age when coal ruled supreme in the Royal Navy. Short, squat with a shiny bald head, he was never more happy than when he is covered in head to foot in carbon dust. Stories flow from his gnarled weather beaten lips, of the times and watches he kept feeding the ever hungry boilers. The dust when coaling the giant Dreadnoughts, and the heavy responsibilities of being the Electrical Officer as an EM1, in the forefront of modern technology.
His career has spanned the whole field of naval engineering, POEL, MECH3. Under oil stains which can still be seen beneath his greying beard. Finally he achieved through great endeavor the pinnacle of his career, passing Nuclear Long Course and qualifying as a Reactor Operator. Now in his twilight years, he sits giving his authority and knowledge to young MEM's. On all topics of sex and pornography, whilst polishing his glasses in an oily rag, and leering at Fiesta Readers Wives.
Soon he will be leaving us to go to that great Greenie Retirement Home on shore, FMB Devonport. Where with his comm stick in hand, he will be able to pass his last years to retirement, rebrushing T.G. Exciters and thinking with a smug expression. That he proved one Admiral wrong when he said. "Coal and Steam would never go to sea again, in Submarines."
King Alexi. King of all the Falklands.
News in from 29 Bulkhead.. Is that whilst in Lisbon 'Gorgeous George
Malone' ran into Paddy outside a house
of 'ill-repute' staring at the red light over the door.
"What's the matter Paddy?" Asked George, "Scared
to go in!"
"No" said Paddy, "I'm just waiting for the lights
to change."
Bunny Warren
was delighted to see this sign outside a Chemists.
MINI-TAMPAX for sale.......For a short period only.
Overheard in the
Galley
Billy Pipe: ...."You remind me of the
sea"
Sandy:..........."You mean wild, restless
and romantic."
Billy Pipe........"No, you make me sick.
Foxy's
bird invited him back to her bedroom one night. She took off all
her clothes and stretched out on the bed.
"Now then Foxy, do something dirty", she whispered
He walked slowly towards her, bent over her naked body, picked
his nose and wiped his finger on the pillow.
We have it on good authority, that the wife of a certain Fwd CMEA(L) has ordered the following book for her husbands benefit. The title is:- Sexual Rejuvenation, how to achieve a longer lasting love life. He will be happy to lend it to all 'over 35's' after he has worn himself and the book out. It is rumored that the Chief Ops recommended the book. He said it had worked for him.
SPARTOON AWARDS 1982
With the voting over, and the counting complete. We at Spartoons now know who the winners are. A few surprises are in-store for some, when we announce our award winners on Monday 31st May and make them public to our readers.
To give you a rough idea of who the leading contenders are, lists of 'likely' winners have been posted on 2 deck. So see if you are among them.
SPORTS UPDATE
The Uckers Singles
has been won by AB Jeffrey who beat LCK
Pipe in a very one sided final, congratulations to him.
The Uckers Doubles is turning into a very tight affair with Jim
Dale and his boyfriend Slither, so far
the only finalists. The other place is still to be decided.
Spartoons very own 'Orange On Legs' is still in
there, with his partner Blood Reed as we go to
press.
The Crib Doubles Final as yet to be played, will be between the Ed
and his partner Big Nosed Nigel. Against the Mick
Lazenby, Bomber Bourne partnership. In
the Singles, a rather bemused Lt Morgan is still
wondering who his next opponent will be. He is the last Wardroom
representative left in any competition, and has done well to get
so far when you consider the opposition he has faced.
The domino Singles already has one finalist AB Jeffrey
and he should know soon wether he faces the General
or AB Hembrough.
In the Doms Doubles another For'd/aft battle between Tufty
Nunn and Steve O'Donovan and the
evergreen pair from aft Pete Dismore and Scouse
'leave my fags alone' Naylor.
The winners will all receive the now famous Spartoons Awards
Certificates.
STOP
PRESS!!!!
Is it true Scrote Ealing makes up contacts on
the 185. Just to get BZ's off the 1st Lt.
EDITORIAL
Due to the shortage of ink in the Xerox machine we cannot unfortunately bring you individual copies this time. But so you don't miss out on anything it has been decided to use 2 deck as our new magazine. Not much has happened since our last issue, so we have very little to report. Black Jack of the month goes to Taff Rossiter for 'Dreaming'. Spartoons very own awards have been postponed until we start out for home. But you shouldn't have too long to wait, until you find out who are the lucky ones.
THE TS's BEDTIME STORY. (Continued)
Sitrep:- The Crabman has been captured by the infamous Pink Ladies who are trying to get to the bottom (they usually do!), of who had been sleeping in Slingers Rack. He had been deserted by his crack commando Crabs and things looked pretty grim.
"Well, well, look what we have got here", said the Wonder Navi..."What were you doing with the slut's pillow?" enquired Georgina..."Just sniffing" whimpered the Crabman, who was by now just a little bit worried about his predicament. "Sniffing for what?" yelled Earine, who was now getting excited at the prospect of dealing once and for all with their dreaded adversary. "Well it's like this", said Crabman. "A long time ago when I had a good head of hair, and was young and full of bounce. I used to know a girl who wore Estee Lauder too. Slinger's pillow reminded me of her, all green, fat and smelling of that scent."....."Don't give us that crap, cat" yelled Georgina. "But it's true." Replied the Crabman more nervous by the minute.
Meanwhile his Crabs were trying to muster up some courage, and launch a full scale assault on the Pink Ladies and rescue their leader. For this purpose they enlisted the help of Shakin' Stevens and his small but heavy Crabs, and the Leper and his colony of Crabs. The latter being feared more than most, for their famous assault tactic of hurling bit's of their bodies at their unsuspecting foes.
Will the assault
group succeed in freeing the Crabman, only time will tell.
So read on next time in the next enthralling installment of the
TS Bedtime Story.
Eds Note:
On hearing from the Navigator, that he wished to know the identity of our so far anonymous subscriber. I asked him if he wished to be known. His reply was a definite No, for two reasons.
1. He has built up a considerable following over the last two months and couldn't stand being mobbed by awe-struck admirers on 2 deck.
2. He would hate to see the effect on his admirers, following the expected reprisal from the Navigator on his fans. He could not be held responsible for their actions in putting down this possible uprising.
INTERNATIONAL
UCKERS TOURNAMENT
Great Britain Versus Argentina.
MEO's NIGHT
ORDERS
Update on the situation Aft.
There have been suggestion within the department that a state of over-familiarity exists. The following procedures will therefore be evaluated.
1. All Junior Rates will address their Senior Rates by title. i.e. Petty Officer or Chief.
2. All Petty Officers will address Chief Petty Officers as 'Chief' except that 'Chief of the Watch' will be addressed as 'Sir' when the 'Engineering Officer of the Watch' is out of the Manoeuvring Room. Since at these times they will be acting as 'EOOW'.
3. EOOW will be addressed as 'Sir' with a respectful touch of the forelock (or removal of cap if headgear is worn.)
4.Reactor Panel Operators will call the Manoeuvring Room to attention when the 'MEO' enters. And all will stand at the cry of 'MEO in Manoeuvring', with similar courtesy being shown on leaving.
5. Similar courtesy will be shown to the Captain as in 'The Final Countdown'
6. Throttle Control Panel Operator's will accompany the EOOW on his rounds, carrying a torch and bosuns call. (Mech Gorrie to instruct those that cannot pipe correctly).
MEA Selby has complained that he cannot read my night orders very quickly, so tonight I am writing them very slowly.
MEA Zimmerman (Von Tripps) is threatening to hiccup all the way back to the UK. Apart from the inconvenience to colleagues, if he stands in the wrong place he represents a 'noise-short'. A severe shock is the best cure and departmental members should attempt 'suitable' treatment.
To all who thought they were going on draft about now. Remember you're still 'dipping in' by claiming separation pay whilst still out here.
A quiet night to reflect on what our wives are spending our pay-rises on. Except that is for the 'Batchelor Barons' who are dreaming of BMW's, video's, etc.