Spartoon's was a magazine that was published on a fortnightly basis to give the crew an opportunity to tell a few dits (story's), and stab their buddy's in the back (very popular section). It also contained a crossword and was illustrated by AB/SM Wrigley.
A few extracts from the original magazines. circa 1981
Q. What's the difference between the chief stoker and a vending machine?
A. You can easily get a drink out of a vending machine.
Q. Why does the POSA enjoy being constipated.
A. Because he hates to part with anything.
AMERICAN OFFICER VISITOR TO HMS SPARTAN. Say Captain, can I take a picture of one of your senior rates at work.
CAPTAIN. Certainly- If you can catch them at it.
WEM Elwers is starting body building courses at 0600 on the 3rd July in the Torpedo Stowage Compartment. He has assured me that if you attend these courses regularly. You too could have a body like his!
CSST REPORT: There is too much smiling and frivolity amongst the ships company. It is to cease immediately, you are not here to enjoy yourselves!
LMEM Porter, wish's to thank all those people who contributed to the wedding present for him and Linda. The total raised was £38, which was enough to buy a glass and chrome coffee table, a wedding card and a 'deepest sympathy' card for his bride-to-be.
The Chief Stoker was reported to have put his hand in his pocket last night and purchased a round of drinks. Coxswain Harrison is appealing for witnesses to the accident.
We wish to thank MEM Pope for supplying us with an excellent crossword in the last edition. We would like to add that if anybody completed the crossword correctly, then you must have bloody well been cheating. Because two squares were not shaded in correctly! Also Scouse Elwers has told me, only one person turned up for his 'Body Building' course, and that was none other than Colin 'I'm big and strong for my age' Elliot. So if you feel fatigued, nip down and see Scouse. You won't feel embarrassed about flexing your muscles, look at Scouse, he doesn't!
Mechanician Lovell pulled out a packet of cigarettes on watch today.. And a picture of Stanley Matthews fell on the floor!
NEWSFLASH: An internal inquiry onboard Spartan has found out what the WEO has for his lunch. About three hours!
Did you know a certain For'd stoker called Rattler, loves the navy so much, he actually came back off leave a day early by mistake, to help out the lads. Well from the rest of the For'd Team you so generously helped..... Cheers Rattler you Dumbs**t!
Chef Sandy Beech's fiancée gazed lovingly at her new engagement ring. 'Oh Sandy, is it a real diamond? She enquired sweetly.
'If it isn't, I've just been done out of two quid', he replied!
Broadcasts of the week
TASO: 20 degrees up, keep 400 feet. Oh shit!
COXSWAIN: Fire control and crubes true close up!
For Sale: 1973 Hillman Hunter GL, 2 carefull owners, including the GOODHEAD brother's. Used mainly between Guzz and Sheffield. Next owner must be small and light. The car is fitted with all mod-cons although the suspension requires considerable repair. The floor under the front seats also needs some work to raise back to its original level. New seat belts would also be required to replace the old Shire horse girth's bought second hand from a local farmer. All in all a tidy car and pleasant to drive.
Bunny Warren says that the reason he licks the PO chef's boots, is because he likes the taste!
Definition of Alec Brannan playing the bagpipes. One bag of wind, attached to another bag of wind!
Taffy had a little lamb..... And his case comes up next week!
Lt Cdr Collins wishes it to be known, that he did not drop off to sleep in the wardroom- he was merely dreaming up more evolutions.
The WEO insists that he is not of a grumpy nature- its just difficult to see the funny side of being a 'greeny.'
The Navigating Officer is never lost, he inadvertently misplaces his position!
It is not true that the Jimmy hasn't a clue about the ships programme. The lower level watchkeepers shake him at least once a week and let him know what's going on!
LIZ'S ANGELS
Once upon a time there were three lower level stokers. They all graduated from different schools around the country. GOODY from Sheffield, CHESH from Peterborough, STONEY from somewhere near Bristol. They were all assigned very hazardous duties.... But I took them away from all that, my name is Elizabeth... Charlie's mum!
Bob Phillips walked up to a friend in a pub with a handful of dog shit and said, "look what I nearly trod in outside"!
14:30 10th July 1981 location- Engine Room. MEM Dave Goodhead on hearing that MEM Stonestreet had managed to get off watch because of a slight graze to his leg. Attempted to do the same, but failed miserably. A certain CSST Fleet Chief was quoted as saying, "Leave the bastard lying there, and give him an Oscar later". You've lost none of your charm Mr. Readshaw!
Poem to the Chief Stoker. The artistic side of being a submariner..... By Anon.
On top of a boiler, all covered in sweat
The Chief Stoker caught me, on my fifth cigarette.
He threatened to troop me, he ranted and raged,
You'd think they were his fags, the way he behaved.
And now Rattler knows it, the Chief Stokers no match,
They found the Chief days later, by the Engine Room hatch.
Some say he had fainted, we knew he was dead,
Cause Rattler had just fitted his spanner, right over his head.
Broadcast of the week
"You hear there Coxswain mumbling. We l ads I ought it was bout time I congatu yo on th standard of cl nliness f th boat. hats all.
The Laundry staff would like to apologise for the delay in dhobying at the beginning of the trip, due to an internal dispute, where one of the team went on strike. We are now pleased to announce that he has returned to work, after we said sorry for saying he had 'big lips'...Sorry Jimmy Offen!
A day in the life of the Captain. ........................Written by the Captain
0730 Wake up. Demand cup of coffee.
0800. Wake up again. Demand removal of cold cup of coffee. Demand new cup of coffee.
0805. Wander into Control Room. Tell TAS Officer that big sonar on front end is not called 'Scanner' in these submarines. Demand more coffee.
0810. Stroll into Sound Room. See tall bald senior rate (who never seems to be onboard in harbour?), and ask him what the Leading Hand has broken during the watch. Moan about absence of towed array.
0815. Breakfast. More coffee
0830 To periscope depth. When passing 80 feet, conduct fascinating conversation with REA on true meaning of existentialism.
0835. At periscope depth in rough weather. Give warm welcome to AMEO3, who is about to be sick.
0900. To wireless office to read broadcast.
0930. Stroll along 2 deck in hope of being invited into Senior Rates mess for a cup of coffee. This never works. Try to conduct serious conversation with Galley Staff. This never works either!
1000. Sit in cabin, demanding more coffee. Deduce from singing in Control Room that Navigator has the watch.
1030. Radar defective, but repaired in silence. Deduce that Oggie Parsons must have gone on draft.
1045. To Wardroom. More coffee. Watch fascinated as Leading Steward waits until all officers are assembled then smartly gets out vacuum cleaner. Leading Steward reminds everybody it is his birthday soon.
1100. Back aft to Manouvering Room. Make like real engineer by drinking tea whilst sitting on Manoeuvring Room step.
1130. Deal with paperwork by re-arranging pile of paper in 'In' tray.
1145. Informed that damage done by Leading Hand in the Sound Room is now repaired.
1230. Retire to Wardroom for lunch. Observe that the WEO has same T-Shirt and pyjama's as last trip!
1300 Lunch
1330 More coffee
1400 At 350 feet. Demand of Officer of Watch why we have no planesman. Told that the PO Steward is on the planes. And will see him if he moves closer to the planesman's seat.
1430. More coffee. Relax in cabin for well earned rest. Wonder why we don't have movies in the Wardroom in the afternoon.
1530. Afternoon kip.
1700. Race to Wardroom for Tea. All the chocolate digestives already eaten by hungry officers.
1701. Return to cabin.
1720. Think about painting 'go-faster' stripes on fin.
1730. More coffee
1740. Return to periscope depth
1820. Go deep. Notice that the Navigating Officer resembles a Panda. His eyes are black, deduce that Forward Staff have put engineer's blue on the periscope eye-pieces again. Need to speak to them, but fear my overalls will end up the same colour as the AMEO's. A subtle hint of pink, due to strawberry food colouring being added during the wash cycle!
1830. Shower
1850. Dinner. Light conversation turns to character assassination. Backstabs fly about like the last reel of 'Zulu'.
1930. Ask TOJO SMITH's permission to look at chart and take satnav fix.
2030. Watch new planesman on planes. Thought's turn to Henley Regatta.
2100. Play cards with First Lieutenant
2130. First Lieutenant wins.
2131. Return to cabin. Adjust First Lieutenant's mark's for tact.
2200. More coffee.
2230. Forage on 2 deck for Barbra Striesand tapes.
0030. Reflect that I enjoy my job.
0100. Rack out, much contented.
The Unmentionables
PIPE FROM CONTROL ROOM. For exercise, for exercise, flooding in the AMS, shut down bulkheads, shut bulkhead doors.
PIPE FROM FOR'D ESCAPE PLATFORM: Permission to test compartment blow.
PIPE FROM CONTROL ROOM: Yes please.
Compartment blow initiated.
From the wardroom come lots of hysterical cry's: "H.P Air burst in the Jimmy's cabin."
What a bunch of woodentops.
PIPE FROM CONTROL RM.: Stop Snorting, stop snorting, emergency GO DEEP.
PIPE FROM MANOEUVRING RM: Battleship, battleshop ship, oh shit! Battleshort switch made.
Don't worry AMEO1 you shall remain nameless.
Noise heard at the bottom of the periscope well.
1ST LT: Forward Staff investigate banging at bottom of well.
WEM DAVIS: Roger Sir. Then proceeds to climb down well.
WEM ELWERS: He means go down to the EMR and check.
WEM DAVIS: I know what he meant, do you think I'm stupid or something?
WEM ELWERS: I do not wish to answer that one.
Well you were Coopers relief!